Toe in the Water

Revolution!

Revolution!

I have the cat figured out.

After years of study and reflection, I have worked out the devilish feline scheme to control us and dominate the world. It’s all a hoax.

Everyone knows that attempting to provide a cat with the correct food at all times is a fool’s game. Something devoured yesterday is treated with total disdain for the following week, as though we were trying to poison the creature. The moment we decide that we have found the acceptable brand, the cat chooses to eat only what it was refusing before. We say that the cat’s very choosy, excusing it because it’s so soft and furry and has such big eyes and meows so plaintively to get its own way. Maybe switching things up a bit more, presenting it with something different every time will work.

Forget it. This is an animal that eats mice, whole, from the head right down to the tail. It swallows everything, the fur, the skin, the bones the teeth, the claws, the entrails, the lot. And doesn’t blink an eye. I know, I’ve seen it done. And yet we think it will genuinely be disgusted by some expensive cat treat because it might be a little crusty having been rejected for an hour or two. Not a chance.

The cat is playing with us. It is overfed and can go for long periods without even thinking about food. The game is to have us running about, ever the servants, presenting it with ever more tasty and tempting delicacies. Don’t be fooled. It’s a cat playing a cat’s game.

The only answer is to choose a brand and flavour that has been accepted at least once before and give it to the cat. Give it nothing else until it has licked the dish clean. It’ll happen, I assure you. Steel yourself against the pleading looks, the pathetic cries, the begging whenever you enter the kitchen. This is a war of wills that you have to win. Be strong.

Of course, now you are going to accuse me of being a cruel, heartless beast who should never have been granted the honour of cat ownership in the first place. But I didn’t say this was my strategy, did I? It was merely a cry from my servitude, a desperate plea to others to save themselves. Just because I am completely unable to treat our cat, Pookie, in this manner, this is no reason why the evil scheme should not be exposed for all to see and understand.

Save yourselves while you still can!


Word count: 429