Complex Numbers

Bizspeak

After a visit to the dentist, I'm on a course of antibiotics for a week because of a tooth thing. This means no drinking. 8 hours in. Send help.

Funny thing is, I go a week without drinking, no problem, quite often. It's only when they say I can't that my oppositional defiant disorder kicks in. Kind of like how I've never particularly enjoyed grapefruit, but as soon as I started taking a medication that forbids grapefruit, I started craving it. It's not even like I "can't" drink; it's just that alcohol negates the action of antibiotics, rendering them less effective (the precise opposite of what grapefruit does for statins).

Today's article has nothing to do with that, except that the subject matter is enough to make me want to drink more.

     Let’s not circle back on that: These 10 corporate buzzwords are the most hated in America  

“I’m just circling back to discuss how culture has changed within this new normal we’re in, hoping we can move the needle on this and think outside of the box.”

If I were playing the bizspeak drinking game, I'd already be passed out after that sentence.

But unlike talking about how it’s abnormally chilly out, no one really likes chatting in overused corporate phrases.

Apparently, many do. Mostly middle-management, I'd wager. It's been a long time since I was in an office setting, and even then it was a small office, and I still got subjected to the pin-putting and circling and such.

More than one in five workers dislikes corporate buzzwords...

See? The majority doesn't dislike buzzwords.

Below are the top 10 annoying phrases most hated among your coworkers:

You're damn right I have things to say about these.

1. New normal

This is probably a pandemic-related thing. Shit changes all the time, but the situation in early 2020 was more of a discontinuity than the usual gradual change.

2. Culture (e.g., “company culture”)

I'm not sure this is so bad as long as it's not overused [Narrator: it's overused].

3. Circle back

Pretty sure I remember hearing this one, and it annoyed me. The phrase that accompanied it was often "put it on the backburner," which annoyed me even more, especially when it referred to something I was working on.

4. Boots on the ground

There is no excuse for this unless you're literally fighting a war. And by "literally," I mean "literally."

5. Give 110%

I blame sports for this bullshit. The worst bizspeak, in my view, comes from sports. Even if this were physically possible, which it is not, are you going to pay me 10% more if I do this? No? Then I'm not going to do this.

6. Low-hanging fruit

As metaphors go, this one's not so terrible—unless it's overused [Narrator: ...sigh].

7. Win-win

Seriously, stop. Though it is nice to occasionally hear evidence that it's not a zero-sum game.

8. Move the needle

...once it's already jammed into your eye

9. Growth hacking

Okay, that's a new one for me, and it's legitimately enraging.

10. Think outside the box

The problem with the idea of thinking outside the box is that most people can't even think inside the box, which is a necessary first step. This is also known as "thinking." For example, say that your problem is you want to save money. The "thinking" solution is to find where you're spending too much money, and cut back. The corporate "thinking outside the box" solution might be to cut 1/3 of your workforce and make the other 2/3 do all their work without giving them raises. If you were really "thinking outside the box," though, you'd stop paying everyone and fuck off to Fiji.

Despite disliking buzzwords, three-fourths of respondents said that using these phrases can make someone sound more professional.

It certainly makes them sound more corporate.

But not all buzzwords are annoying. Preply respondents favored terms like “at the end of the day,” “debrief,” and even “sweep the floor.”

No, no, and no. Also no: "It is what it is." Make it all stop.

One in five respondents considered jargon in a job description to be a warning sign, with most noting that the language factored in their decision to apply or not.

You want to know what the biggest red flag is in a job description? I'll tell you. And it's not necessarily jargon. Here it is: "We consider ourselves family." If you see those words, or anything like them, in a job description, run. Run hard, run fast, and don't stop running until you hit an ocean. Then start swimming. Seriously. Every company that tells you they're "like family" is going to be just as dysfunctional as an actual family; or, perhaps, be an actual family that works well together—in which case you're going to be the Outsider and never quite fit in.

The main offenders for candidates were overly optimistic words that suggested an undercurrent of a more tense work environment, such as “rockstar,” “wear many hats,” and “thick skin.”

If you want me to be a rockstar, you'd better have the caterers ready to provide me with specialty cheeses and an olive bar. It's right there in my contract; didn't you read it?

This reminds me of the secret code of real estate listings, like "cozy" meaning "cramped," "private" meaning "in the middle of nowhere," or "vintage" meaning "draftier than a beer bar."

About the only positive thing I can say about these kinds of buzzwords is that they do make fine fodder for writing, especially writing antagonists. So it can be beneficial to learn them. Just remember, if you use them unironically, that means you're the bad guy.