Short Stories and poems

Bad Timing!

A Group of Robbers Finds it’s a Bad Time to Rob a Bank

“Taking a Bath!” was the sign posted on the door of the Sheriff’s Office/Jail of Smooth Gulp. Most townsfolk knew what it meant, as did most criminals – or at least those living nearby that were also smart. Only a fool dared to disturb the Sheriff’s bathing, especially since it was also his day off. He only got one day off a week, and given what had happened the day prior, when he rescued over a dozen children from the school that had been burned down by some fool, even the most troublesome of the locals wasn’t going to bother his rest and relaxation.

Ned and his three fellow gang members weren’t local. The catman looked at the sign. “He’s going to be surprised to be caught with his pants down,” he said.

“Mind if I go take a looksee?” a dogman asked.

“You got a thing for male wolves?” Ned asked. “Thought that you’d prefer a female at any rate.”

“Well, I ain’t hearing any sounds of him splashing water in there,” the dogman said. “I just want to make sure.”

“Alright, Pat,” said Ned. “Go check.”

The dogman got off his horse, walked up to the door of the Office, and looked through a window slot. In one of the few cells the place had, there was a human laying on a cot. “Hey! You in there!”

The human awoke with a groan, the sort one got from drinking too much. They looked towards the door. “What doya want?”

“Looking for the Sheriff,” said Pat. “Is he in?”

“What’s today?” the human asked.

“Saturday,” said Pat.

The human chuckled, and then groaned. “He’s at the brothel, taking a bath, with Rosa. I hope you don’t need him too badly.”

Pat chuckled. “Not really. Just wanted to know if he was in. Thanks.”

“No problem.” The human collapsed back into the cot. Snoring came from him.

Pat stepped away from the door, walked back to the gang, and got back on his horse.

“What did you find out?” Ned asked.

Pat grinned. “Sheriff is visiting a whore.”

Ned chuckled, as did the others. “Bad timing for him, and perfect for us. Let’s make this quick, and quiet. Don’t want the sheriff to not enjoy his quality time.”

“We might even have some extra time, given that he’ll be stuck with the whore for a while,” said Pat.

“You ought to know,” said Ned. “Dogs and wolves ain’t too different where sex is concerned.”

“I hope she’s worth the trouble that’s about to happen,” said Pat.

The group trotted to the bank, got off their horses, pulled up their masks, pulled out their guns, and rushed the door of the bank.

“Down on the ground, and don’t move!” Ned yelled, as the gang came through. “This is a robbery! Do as we say, and no one gets hurt!”



Back at the Jail, the shouts awoke the drunk in the cell, again, thanks to the window the cell had. He walked over to the window, and looked through it. He could see that there was a commotion going on at the bank.

“Don’t those fools know to be quiet on Saturdays?” he muttered, still nursing his headache. He walked over to the cot, lifted the corner, and pulled out a set of keys. “At least the Sheriff is nice enough to give me this, just in case he didn’t come in today.” He walked over to the cell door, and unlocked it. He stepped out of the cell, set the keys on the desk, walked to the door, blinked at the sunlight, and then stumbled out.

He stumbled into the brothel.

“Saloon’s the other way,” the big bull standing by the door said.

The human groaned. “As much as I want to drink, I think the bank’s being robbed.”

The bull looked out the door, towards the bank. “On a Saturday? Must not be from around here.” The bull looked at the drunk, and pointed at a cushioned chair. “Take a nap over there, Bob. I’ll get the sheriff.”

“Thanks, Hank,” the human said, as he stumbled his way into the chair.

The bull walked over to a door, which had the sounds of splashing coming from behind it and knocked.

“What is it?” a female voice asked.

“Hate to disturb you, but it seems that the bank is being robbed,” said Hank.

There was a loud sigh. “We were just about to get started too! Give us a moment.”



Back at the bank, Ned picked up a well-dressed worker. “You look like the Manager,” he said. “Open the safe.”

“I can’t do that,” the worker said.

“Don’t know the combination?” Ned asked.

“Um, that’s not the issue,” the worker said. “The safe has one of those new time lock mechanisms – even if you know the combination, you got to wait until the right time for the safe to open.”

“When is that?” Pat asked, as the dogman came up.

“Fifty minutes,” the worker said. “Now, since you probably don’t want to hang around that long, come back Monday, say 6:50PM?”

“Now, why would we want to wait until then?” Ned asked.

“Today is the sheriff’s Bath Day,” the worker said. “You’d have to be a fool of some sort to do a crime on his Bath Day.”

“Why is that?” Pat asked.

“Because he gets extra angry when he can’t enjoy his bath time with Rosa,” the worker said. “Last fool that tried shooting the place up on a Saturday still has scars.”

“Oh, really?” Ned asked.

The door burst open, causing Ned to spin around, using the worker as a shield.

To the shock of the bank robbers, there stood the wolf sheriff, dripping wet. Around his neck was a collar, which had the sheriff’s badge pinned to it. Most importantly though, was the gun belt around his hips. It was hiding nothing, especially the revolver in the holster.

“Let’s make this simple,” the sheriff growled out. “Walk away now, and you won’t get hurt.”

“And if we don’t?” Ned asked.

“In addition to being charged with bank robbery, you’ll be punished for interrupting my bath,” the sheriff said. He stepped away from the door. “Last chance to walk away.”

“Nice try,” Pat said, as he aimed his revolver.

The sheriff dashed forward, grabbed the dogman, and threw him, through a glass window.

“You’re going to pay!” the dogman shouted, as he stood up. “What th-”

That was the moment a cracking was heard, along with a yelp of pain, as the dogman was dragged from the window. There was more cracking and yelps heard.

The sheriff chuckled. “Looks like Rosa’s starting her fun,” he said, as he looked at Ned. “She knows how to use that whip real good. Surrender now and I can get her to stop.”

Ned snarled. “Mark, Sam – go stop that whore!”

“Ooh, you ought not to have said that,” the sheriff said, as a hawk and a rabbit ran out the door.

More screams, and cries of pain, plus cracking, were heard.

Ned pointed his gun at the bank worker’s head. “Tell her to stop, or I’ll blow this one’s brains out!”

The wolf sighed. “Rosa! Put that whip away! He has a hostage!”

The cracking stopped, but there was still the sound of whimpering from Ned’s gang members.

“We’re going to wait until that safe can be open,” said Ned. “After that, I want the money.”

“Are you sure that you want to wait that long?” the sheriff asked. “Could just walk away, collect your friends, and ride on out of here.”

“Can’t do that,” said Ned.

“Too bad.”

There was the sound of a window breaking.

Ned turned and fired. “What the?”

There was another sound, as the end of a bullwhip wrapped itself around Ned’s neck. The catman tried to remove it, only to then be pulled out a third window.

The sheriff scoffed. “Show off.” He walked up to the worker, who was checking their ears. “You alright?”

“I am now,” the worker said.

“Good,” the sheriff said. “Now, to go check on Rosa.”

The wolf stepped outside, and saw two naked lizard ladies finish tying up the hawk and rabbit, who were both gagged with red balls, not to mention, stripped naked. “The first one?”

“Taken care of,” a third naked lizard lady said, bringing the bound, gagged, and stripped naked, dogman over.

“Good,” the sheriff said. “Now to make sure that Rosa doesn’t choke the leader to death. Mind taking care of those three for me?”

“No problem,” the one said, with a grin that was clearly not a pleasant one for those she was staring at. “We enjoy Deep Throating troublemakers.”

The wolf sheriff started walking away.

The dogman’s eyes bulged as the lizard lady opened her mouth wide, and fairly quickly, started swallowing him head first. The rabbit and hawk were likewise in similar situations, as the two lizard ladies holding them also started to swallow them.

The sheriff walked around the corner, to see yet another naked lizard lady finish tying, gagging and stripping, a now naked Ned. The catman wasn’t happy. That was when the lizard lady started swallowing him feet first, moving fairly swiftly. Ned tried to struggle, but the restraints were too strong.

The wolf chuckled. “I told you that you were going to pay for interrupting my bath. Rosa loves a good wiggler, so do squirm for her.”

Ned let out a muffle protest.

The sheriff grinned, showing his teeth. “It will only be until you are digested. Guess I’ll see the aftermath. Rosa, finish it.”

Ned let out a final muffled scream as the lizard lady’s jaws closed over his head, after which was a final swallow.

Rosa licked her lips. “William, I do enjoy catmen.”

“Good,” said the wolf. He then lowered his voice. “Make sure that you and the other three ladies bring them back up at the jail, after they pass out of course.”

Rosa grinned, and nodded. “Sure thing.” She looked at her belly, which was squirming more than a bit. “I love it when they put up a fight.”



A while later, Ned awoke with a pounding headache, not to mention a sore throat, laying on a wooden floor. He looked and saw Pat, who was in a similar state, as well as Mark and Sam, who were on the other side of a set of bars. “What happed?”

“Looks like Rosa and her lizard ladies brought you in,” said a voice that was vaguely familiar.

Pat looked. “Boss, that’s the drunk from this morning.”

Ned looked over, and saw a human drinking a cup of coffee. “You’re telling me that some whore brought me in?”

Bob looked at the catman. “Rosa the Whip a whore? You’re a special kind of dumb. She’s a Bounty Hunter – likes using a whip to tickle the backsides of criminals. On the plus side, here’s your clothes.” The drunk got up, grabbed the clothing, and passed them to the jailed outlaws. “On the minus side, the Circuit Judge won’t be in this month, same with the Federal Marshal. Something about an election going on.”

“So, how come me and the boys aren’t stewing away in those lizards’ guts?” Ned asked.

“Because while you might have been dumb enough to try to rob the bank on a Saturday, when Rosa and her partners are in town, and having one kind of fun or another, especially Rosa’s and William’s fun, you weren’t dumb enough to kill someone,” said Bob. “That would have landed you a permanent stay in that case.”

“So, these lizard ladies come to town every Saturday?” Pat asked.

“Yep,” said Bob.

“And this Rosa helps the sheriff take a bath?” Pat asked.

Bob grinned. “He likes his Bath Time.”



“It’s Bath Time!”

Rosa and her lizard ladies picked up the struggling, and highly restrained, William. In addition to being tied up, the wolf was also gagged and blindfolded. The four of them carried him over to a tub that was filled with large pieces of chopped vegetables and chunks of stew meat, and carefully set him into the warm gravy-broth. Still struggling, there was plenty of splashing caused by William, who was soon buried in the stew, only his head remaining clear of the stuff. Of course, Rosa soon remedied that with a ladle.

“You look delicious,” the lizard lady said into his ears, as the other three started to swallow the large pieces and chunks of meat and vegetables. “I can’t wait to have you all to myself – once we empty the tub of course.”

She too started to swallow the meat and vegetables, as she and the three other bounty hunters toyed with the tied up sheriff. Despite the gag, and the restraints, a hearty chuckle escaped from the wolf’s throat.

It was always a bad time to mess with his Bath Time.