Complex Numbers

Everyone Calls Me Mushroom Because I'm Such A Fun Guy

Want another reason not to go outside?

7 Poisonous Mushrooms and What Happens if You Eat Them  
If you forage for mushrooms, these are some you’ll want to leave in the woods

("But Waltz, if you hate the outdoors so much, why are you linking to Field & Stream?")

("Shut up.")

There is a commonsense rule about wild mushrooms that all outdoorsmen should heed: Avoid them.

As much as I despise the entire idea of common sense (more on that is coming at a later date), I have to admit that in this case it's right. Not just for outdoorsmen, either. Indoorsmen like me. Outdoorswomen. Outdoorsnonbinaries. Whatever.

There are about 10,000 species of fungi out there, of which only a small number will kill you.

Unless, presumably, you're in Australia, where everything is trying to kill you.

As an aside, I've known several people who just plain won't eat mushrooms. Can't stand the taste, the texture, or both. Which is not to say that they couldn't be poisoned by something else. Me, I get my shrooms at the grocery store like God and nature intended.

Often, as in the case of the aptly named death cap (Amanita phalloides), they look like a hundred other mushrooms, some of which are delicious.

Which is aptly named? The common name, or the scientific binomial, which obviously comes from the root "phallus?" ("Both.") Lots of mushrooms are dick-shaped (for various species of dick). That's kind of their brand.

Got a friend who “knows” mushrooms? Great! Just remember that you’re trusting this person with your life and that experts get poisoned, too.

As far as I'm concerned, there are people knowledgeable about fungi. Some of them even moreso than me. But when it comes to putting something in my mouth, well, no one's an expert.

Here are some mushrooms you definitely want to avoid.

Any that don't come from a well-regulated grocery store or pizza place. Farmer's markets don't count. Vegan pop-ups definitely don't count. Your meth supplier does, though, because she's got a vested interest in keeping you alive so you can buy more meth.

Seriously, though, the article includes helpful pictures, and I'm only going to hit the highlights here.

1. Death Cap, Amanita phalloides

It's right there in the name, people.

Famous people who may have died from eating death caps include the Roman emperor Claudis (54 A.D.) and Holy Roman Emperor Charles VI in 1740.

The morel of this story is: don't be roamin'.

Ah, the rare double pun. Pretty proud of that one.

You know, it just occurred to me that this article could double as a guide to How To Kill Someone and Get Away With It.

2. Fly Agaric, Amanita muscaria

This is the one you see in fairytale books with a bright red cap and white spots.

I don't think this one should necessarily be included in the list. While it's not the kind that you'd get from your meth dealer, it has, historically, been used for... you know. Trips. Still, deaths have been associated with it, usually due to overdose, accidental or otherwise. Then again, deaths have been associated with water, too.

Still not picking any up off the forest floor.

3. False Morel, Gyromitra esculenta

This mushroom looks like the human brain, not a morel.

So you're saying it's a... morel hazard?

Look, this one is so ugly (you'd have to look at the article to get the full effect) that I don't know why anyone's trying to eat it in the first place.

4. Autumn Skullcap, Galerina marginata

With a name like that, I'm picturing the cartoon skull you see hovering over characters that have just died.

As a rule of thumb, avoid anything with “skullcap” in the name.

Good advice there. If only it would self-label with its name, like in a video game.

5. Alcohol Inky, Coprinus atramentarius

They’re fine by themselves and absolute living hell if you have booze with them.

Well, I'd be boned.

6. Deadly Webcap, Cortinarius rubellus

If you’re a fan of kidney or liver failure, this is the way to go.

I promise you, there are far more fun ways to experience kidney and/or liver failure than venturing into the not-so-great outdoors and picking shrooms.

7. Ergot, or Spurred Rye, Claviceps purpurea

In a 1976 article in Science Magazine, author, LR Caporael theorized that an outbreak of ergotism caused by Claviceps purpurea may have been the cause of the strange behavior that led to the execution of 20 men and women in the 1692 Salem witch trials.

I'd heard this. It may even be true. The fact remains, though, that "strange behavior" is no reason, on its own, to execute a person. Either way, this isn't one that someone would likely eat on purpose, or mistake for a different but edible fungus.

The really interesting thing about ergot is that, as bad as it is, it's formed the basis for pharmaceuticals.

In general, however, the advice given at the beginning of the article holds true: if you're tempted to pick up and eat a wild mushroom... don't. Makes me wonder how they figured out that some mushrooms were edible in the first place.