Hey, life? Are you kidding me?

You Think I'm Scared?! You Betcha!

Yesterday was my 7th wedding anniversary married to my wonderful husband, Bruce...which also means I have lived in the country now for 7 years. I will preface this ...I AM NOT THE OUTDOORSY, ANNIE OAKLEY TYPE! But, being a good sport and devoted to this union, I have done more than I ever thought I could. I have checked my husband's back for ticks (It is not just a country song, ya'll), a horse made me fly like SuperGirl - but land like a ton of bricks, I've missed appointments because a tree blocked the only road available - you know country stuff. But, the snakes have left me alone ....until now!

My neighbors have seen a bazillion, Bruce has seen a couple, and my son has come across a few - but not me! I figured God just knew it wasn't something I could deal with, and I was okay with having this weakness. Let's be honest, I welcomed it. But now, the good times are over.

The first was a few days ago. I was out checking on my flowers (see, I am making the effort to go outside...a little) and Bruce's dog wouldn't stop barking, but she does love to bark. When I went in, I told B to make his dog hush. He went outside and quickly came back in.... to get a gun. It was a mother bleepin' rattlesnake about 2 feet from where I had been. It was a 9 button which I am not entirely sure what that means and I'm fine with that - I do know it has to do with the rattle. This beast was about 4 feet long. I told my flowers that I was sorry, but it looked like they weren't getting watered anymore. I do get joy from them; however, I have also enjoyed not having heart failure.

Well, you know how stupid we humans are. We forget the fear and justify going ahead and doing what we want. I did figure since I had gone 7 years without an asp encounter, I was good for at least this season. I crack myself up in a disgusted sort of way.

See, I've been trying to get healthier. I've been walking up and down this 'hill' dirt road/drive we share with the neighbor. I've worked up to about 5 miles a day up and down, up and down, etc. Not like I'm trying to be Bruce Jenner ... wait - he's not even trying to be Bruce Jenner anymore. Bad analogy. Anyway, I've been consistent and adding a little at a time. Tonight, as I 'm walking up the hill jamming to my Spotify, I am one step from the cattle guard when this shiny lime green serpent slithers up to taunt me. Keep in mind, if I don't eventually step over this cattle guard, I have to literally live on the dirt road because my home is on the other side of it. The dirt road does not have working plumbing. As of today, my house does.

I call Bruce (my husband, not Jenner) to shoot the mf and tell it to leave me alone. His damn dogs walk with me, and they didn't even bark this time. How does a ditsy blonde with bad hearing and worse eyesight notice it before farm dogs?! So, I walked away from the cattleguard - well, I 'm still trying to get my steps in - even though I'm sure my heartbeat had made it to an extremely high rate. And to be honest, I also wanted far away from the apparently potentially poisonous cattle guard.

Bruce comes down on his gator and sees nothing. He does offer me a ride home, but all the sudden that felt like giving in to the green nemesis. It was as if Eve (ya know, from the Bible) was talking to me. "Don't do it, Audra. Giving in to the serpent does not end well." You would think that would motivate me which it eventually did, but first it pissed me the hell off. Because of that first sly snake encounter women have to deal with having periods and childbirth; plus, men look at us like we have lost our minds at certain times of the month and all I can think of to say is "Is you ate the damn fruit too. Putting up with women is your punishment".

So Bruce drives home with the dogs, and I pretending to be Annie Oakley, Laura Ingalls, Wonder Woman, and Speed Racer all in one, face off with the cattle guard and the hill the snake must have escaped on. If you are thinking that I should carry a gun, well, I tore my ACL on a dryer sheet so the risks definitely are too great with this one. Plus, it's a hill....with rocks...red ant hills.....and obviously a snake!

I prayed. I may have put a curse on the snake - who can say for sure - I was delirious with fear, exercise, and adrenaline.

Obviously, I made it ... which seems anticlimactic, but it makes me happy. I got a mosquito bite if that makes it more interesting.

Surviving the Outdoors Once More,

Branson