Meth: a Ticking Timebomb Gone Viral

Increments

Yesterday marked three weeks since I used meth, but it feels more like four or five. In the last week, I have had cravings. These pangs of want pass quickly, especially if I keep myself occupied. If I have to go from one day at a time to one hour at a time, in the hope that I won't relapse, I will. To relapse now, at such an early stage, would be a crushing defeat for me.

I'm living my life in increments. Each week broken down into days, and the days into hours as addiction begins to bite down on my resolve. I know what's coming...excuses, so I can justify going back to familiar grounds. One bad day and a chance meeting with someone who would love to bring me down to where they exist...in the gutter.

I wish I could say in all honesty that I will prevail. That I WILL say, "NO!" But, I've been down this road too many times before to feel or act overconfident...or even just confident. The reason for the three-month plan was to give me a goal longer than one day, but smaller than forever. Which is something my mind recoils at the mere thought of, even though I know in my heart it is the best thing for me in my life.

I do three weight sessions a week, and at the start of each week, I increase the weights by a kilo or two depending on what particular exercise I am performing...slight increments that will build strength and boost confidence...all will be for nothing if I give in to temptation and use again. Common sense says I would be crazy to even contemplate going down that road again, but impulse is one of the hardest things to overcome when my adrenalin kicks in and thoughts of using this drug enter my mind.

I need to avoid triggers, but even this is nearly impossible. Like today, when realised it has been three months since I last took a break from being a full-time caregiver. During the pandemic, I went eighteen months without a single day to myself, which beat me down to a point I don't even want to think about. And then, when I finally did take a break, I used every single day for fourteen days straight...only sleeping a couple of nights in between.

This was why I wanted to go to Thailand...no connections to buy drugs (I am not foolish enough to try to buy drugs in a foreign country, especially there). But, I got scammed by the travel agent and didn't just lose my money, but any desire to travel OS. So instead, I went to the Gold Coast, where I drowned my sorrows with meth. And now that I need to take a break again, it has become a trigger because my addicted brain associates taking a holiday with using.

I'm not down yet (maybe just a little today), and I still feel good about this decision to stop. But, I am becoming concerned that I will fail again, and even this concern could become the trigger for me to throw in the towel and accept that I am never going to be free.