My Personal Goals

Disappointed With Myself

Do you ever feel like there is that one area in your life you just can't seem to get under control? For me, that area seems to be my weight. I accept responsibility for not eating a healthy diet. For the record, it isn't for lack of asking for help though. I admit I have a problem here. I just have a hard time getting into the right mindset and emotionally, I want to eat my emotions. I want to eat certain foods because it feels good at the moment. I want to eat them because I don't want to have to put forth the effort to cook. When I do cook, I tend to want to eat it all at once instead of dividing it into portions. Food tends to taste better fresh most of the time. Just saying.

I have been seeing a nutritionist for the last few months and I have gained weight, not lost it. I am seeing a counselor and a psychiatrist for PTSD and depression and anxiety. I wish someone could get into my head and rescue me from myself sometimes. It is so frustrating.

I am trying to get into the mindset that I should eat for God's glory and for sustainability. I don't think we shouldn't enjoy eating, but I need to find a happy balance. I love food rather I should or not. I think sometimes food can cause a type of intoxication. How do you cope with that? Why can I not get this part of me under control? grr! I am frustrated with myself.

I may literally start having to ask myself, "Is this food worth dying for?" If I don't get my diet under control, it will literally kill me. I have diabetes. I have metabolic syndrome. I have Hashimoto's. I have PCOS. I have high cholesterol and high blood pressure. All of these things put me at a very high risk for heart attack and stroke. I need to take this very seriously.

I went to see an Endocrinologist yesterday. He said having Diabetes is equivalent to having coronary artery disease. I guess it was a bit of a wakeup call for me the way he explained his concern for my overall health and the high risk I am at. I am heading down a path I don't want to go. I can't undo all the damage, but maybe I can live a little longer and a little better quality if I get my head out of my Hiney and get serious about my diet and exercise. Yes, in some ways, I am nicely chewing my own butt out. Sometimes, self-love takes getting firm with yourself. I am certainly not getting younger, and my body is starting to ware down. I cannot take care of anyone else if I don't take care of myself. It's time I do a diet reset. I will do so on April 4th. This will be the first Monday in April. This gives me time to plan it out and plan ahead and prepare myself mentally and emotionally.

Having said all that, I think some of my issue is my own feelings of insecurity. I worry about things I should not worry about. I am putting more value in good food than I should. There are so many excuses. I am failing to trust in God in this area. Ouch! I desperately need to change my relationship with food. God should be my comfort and not food. I don't want food and my stomach to be my God. I want God to be my God. I am not sure how to change all of this. I can count calories and go on diets. I can make healthier choices, but until I deal with these issues inside my heart, I will fail every time. There is a root to these behaviors. One of the big roots is fear. I need to face myself and figure out everything I am afraid of here. There are fears on both sides of this rather I diet to lose weight or not.

I am sharing this because I know others struggle with this too. By admitting weaknesses, we can pray for one another, encourage one another, and validate one another. I am going to fight this thing within myself. And just maybe, I can help and encourage others who are struggling with it too.

One big thing I know is an issue for me and it may or may not seem a bit ridiculous. It is kind of silly I guess. But I have this fear that I will miss out. I am afraid I will go on a diet and deprive myself of all the good tasting foods and lose a bunch of weight and then the food prices will go up so high, we will all have problems buying food and then I will miss out on what I could have had. The world feels so out of control right now. How do I handle anxiety without stuffing food in my face?

Okay, there I admitted my fears. I didn't want to because they seem so ridiculous and non-Christian. However, that's what I struggle with. Turning to food was a learned behavior. I am typing this as I am shoving chips in my mouth right now. I know God is bigger than my weaknesses. I plan to write more as I continue this journey.