Dissociated Thoughts

Tears

2/12/22

My husband and I were supposed to spend the day together today. He didn't wake me this morning and I woke on my own right as he was getting ready to go to the park. He said he thought I needed the sleep and the cold spell that settled in overnight would make it difficult for me to be outdoors for very long. So, he walked out the door. I didn't know he was going to come in, or I would have held back the flood that was pressing outward from behind my eyes. He saw the tears and became upset and didn't listen when I told him to go have fun. After all, his reasons for not waking me or waiting for me to get ready so I could go to the park too were valid ones. I just want him to know that these tears aren't just because I didn't get to go with him. What he did was just the catalyst, not the cause of the dam being broken open.

They've been building up for a while - a very long while. You see, the downward spiral continues. I can tell the depression is trying to take over again, has been for a while. But this time, I am lucky. God has blessed me with tears so there might be release. For me, tears are a commodity. Not crying is not a show of strength for me. I don't cry because I can't. Sjogren's Syndrome usually keeps my eyes lacking moisture. Most times, when I need to cry, I can't. So today when I say God has blessed me with tears, I mean it. The tide of salty release continues, even as I write this entry. There is no stopping it until my heart is emptied of their melancholy heaviness.

The chill seeps through the window and into my joints, making them hurt more than usual. I look outside, through the blur of tears in my eyes and I see the trees bowing in the heavy winds and I thank my husband for being so mindful to know that the conditions outside weren't good for me. If only he could know these tears weren't the tears of someone who isn't getting their way - they're the tears of someone who desperately needs release. I suppose it is good he went without me and didn't choose to stay in too. My tears have always been a personal thing, even after knowing each other for 22 years, I still find it difficult to cry in front of him - even now, when the tears come rarely. Perhaps, when the tears finally run dry again, things will get closer to normal. Perhaps I will cry until I don't need to cry for a while. Let the tears roll freely. They wash clean my soul and lighten my heart. Once they stop, there will be peace to be found for a time.

Thank you, Lord, for the ability to cry.