Monkey Business

Presidential Monkey

         He looked dapper as he stood at the podium in his slate grey Italian suit and lilac colored silk tie and matching pocket square. I had finally talked him out of wearing the newsboy cap earlier that day, and I was thankful that he had finally listened. He looked foolish in the thing. It was going to be enough of a gamble to keep him from going off-script or getting drunk before the speech. The media would definitely find something wrong with Andre or his speech and let the rest of the world know their opinions. Because that's what the media had come to, everyone writing their opinions and calling it real news. When I was a kid, there were columns in the newspapers for it and whole magazines devoted to it, like the National Enquirer. Now here we are, forty years later and there is no "real news" anymore. A monkey running for president was news though. It was big news. Being early in the primaries, Andre had yet to decide who his running mate would be, but he had a few in mind.
         As he stood up there grinning and waving, I waited backstage with fingers crossed. "Please don't mess this up Andre. Just read the speech we wrote," I thought.
         And he opened his mouth. All the crowd heard was chattering monkey noises. Someone had forgotten to turn on the translator app.
"Reekekkekk ahahah... and as your president I promise I will do everything in my power to make sure the children of this great nation are encouraged to read with my Bananas for Books program. I intend that all American youth will be able to compete with the rest of the world stage on an academic level. Another issue I am passionate about is..." Andre is still talking as the microphone malfunctions and the tech crew works to get it fixed. "...And finally, I will ensure the peoples of this great nation come together. The time for division is over, it is now time for us to unify as one and heal this country and her people! Thank you. Good night!" Andre steps back from the microphone and begins talking to me from the stage unaware that the microphone is still on. "Let's get out of here and get to the Banana Bar! I've got some vodka with my name on it!"

The headline of the major media outlets read, "Surge in Vodka Sales Following Presidential Candidate Speech"

Now, who's ready for a banana martini?