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~A Column of Light~

It was a miracle and it happened during a very emotionally painful time during my last marriage.

Something I have learned over the years, strong emotional responses to current day situations often mean there is a painful, unresolved issue needing to be healed.

I can't remember exactly when I first learned this but I do clearly recall one time this fact impacted my life.

Actually, it was not a single incident that triggered my pain. I have been married more than once. I sought marriage counseling with two different husbands. In both of these relationships, my spouse was not honest when we met with the counselor.

As we would meet to discuss the problems in our relationship, I would try very hard to be honest about my own role in our difficulties but my honesty was not met in kind. In fact, the men I was married to sometimes outright lied to the person trying to help us.

I found this very trying. It stirred up painful emotions and upset me a lot.

One of these relationships ended before I gained insight or perspective about what was happening for me. In the midst of the turmoil during the other relationship, I realized my strong emotional response to the lies was touching on a buried hurt but I did not know what was buried. I sought God.

I remember lying on my face before God and telling Him, "God, I am having such a strong reaction to this, I know there must be something in me that needs healed. Please help me to see what it is."

As I laid there on my living room floor with my eyes closed, I was taken back in time. I remembered a time when my mother got very angry with me and yelled at me, "I HATE YOU! I HATE YOU! I HATE YOU!"

She then stormed off leaving me sitting on the steps in front of our house in tears.

My mother had gone to the Skillmans house. She was visiting Flossie and the Skillman girls walked down to our house and found me crying.

"Why are you crying?"

"My mother hates me."

"Your mom doesn't hate you."

"Yes she does. She told me so."

The girls left but soon returned with my mother in tow.

"I never said I hated you." she claimed.

"Yes you did"

"No I didn't. I said I hate it when you act like that."

She was lying. That wasn't what she said. She was lying because she didn't want to look bad in front of the neighbor girls.

My memory ended there but I could see the similarity between this memory and my husband's lies. Both my mother and my husband lied to cover up their bad behavior.

I got up from my time in prayer expecting that to be the end of it but it wasn't. The insight did not bring healing and my husband's lies still triggered a large amount of emotional pain.

That pain brought me to my knees again—actually, prostate on the floor again crying out to God for emotional healing of this pain.

I again relived the day my mother yelled at me, "I hate you! I hate you! I hate you!". I relived the whole thing again but this time, when my mother denied her actions and what she said, in my mind's eye, I yelled at her, "You are lying!"

I then got up from my prayer feeling a bit shaken but believing this experience would yield a healing for me.

I was wrong. The next day, I found myself once again lying on my living room floor in tears. Once again, I cried out to God. Once again I relived the day she told me she hated me. Once again, she lied.

This time the story had a different ending. When she lied, in my mind's eye, my twelve year old self abruptly PUNCHED HER IN THE FACE!!!
Punch! Punch! Punch!

Well, to say I was shaken does not begin to describe my feelings that day. Punching my mother in the face while I was in prayer. Oh, my!!!

Well, that was shocking but did it bring the healing I sought? No.

The next day, I was on the floor seeking God again. Begging for healing of this memory.

Again, I relived the whole experience. But this time, when my mother lied, my twelve year old self said, "You are lying. You are lying to cover up what you did wrong." In my mind's eye, I said this quietly but firmly.

As I finished the statement, it was as if the clouds in the sky opened and a beam of sunlight shined down on me. As I sat in that column of light, it was as if God spoke to me and said, "I know."

"I know she is lying. I know what really happened. I know."

Healing happened for me that day. The next time my husband lied in a therapy session, instead of having an emotional reaction, I sat back on the loveseat and placed myself in that column of light. God knew and that made all the difference.

~ ~ ~ JESUS is LORD! ~ ~ ~

Written for "I Write: Enter the Second Decade" 
Word Count: 863 Words