Complex Numbers

Acceptable

Another one from "JAFBG"  [XGC]...

Tell us something about yourself that you've had to learn to accept as just part of who you are.

At this point? Pretty much everything.

Laziness, lack of ambition, a biphasic sleep cycle, refusing to live with dogs, bachelorhood, an alcohol-positive lifestyle, generic apathy, collector tendencies, less-than-perfect health -- and, above all, the conscious decision not to change any of these attributes or many others.

Accepting these things about myself was liberating. No more New Years Resolutions to fail. No more disappointment when yet another attempt at self-improvement makes me frustrated, resentful, or depressed. No wasted energy trying to pretend to be something I'm not.

Yes, that was the easy part, accepting myself for who I am. It's a lot easier than working to change something, and like I said, I'm lazy. Unfortunately, other people tend to have issues with some or all of these qualities, so another thing I've had to accept is that many people will never show me the same level of acceptance. The telltale is they'll start a sentence with things like "Maybe you should..." or "Have you thought about..." or "I really wish you'd..."

But even that has a positive side: fewer social obligations gives me more time to sleep and play video games. Contentment begins when you can safely tell other people to fuck right off.

Sure, there are still a few things I'd like to improve, but I don't give any of them a lot of energy. Sometimes, though, the pain of being a certain way outweighs the pain of potential change, and something will shift. Fortunately, that happens less and less the older I get.

It's like... I don't really want to change, and I don't really want to want to change, nor do I want to want to want to change, but occasionally I'll get a passing thought that maybe I should want to want to want to want to change, but that's as far as it goes.

I'm not saying I like who I am, mind you. Just that I'd like the process of change even less.