P21The Curious Life of a Preacher's Wife

Character: Protagonist Interview

Jay: "Azul, please tell me, and my audience, how is life new and wonderful, since becoming a single senior without Fuerza, your husband of many years?"

Azul: "Jay, losing Fuerza has been one of the most difficult periods of my life, and I'm still not over it. I'm not sure I will ever be without my grief. I loved Fuerza so much and I still do. You don't love someone that much in life, and then 'get over it' in a few short years. That would be like saying, 'I don't love him any more,' and I can never do that. Grief is the experience of feeling love in the absence of the loved one. It's sort of like an actor's trope, 'Do you ever stop feeling butterflies in your tummy when you're on stage?' 'No. I'm always nervous. I've just trained the butterflies to fly in formation.'

"If I'm asked do I cope with the grief two years after the fact, then I respond, 'I'm able to do more. No longer do I spend every day on my face in the living room, curled up into a fetal position. Now, it's maybe every other day or every third day, but I still grieve because I still love Fuerza, and I always will. I've learned to put my pain 'on the back burner' when I'm ministering to someone else, which is as it should be. I'm a wounded healer. I help others in their pain because I am in touch with my own pain."

Jay: "Do you still feel a purpose in life in the singleness of widowhood?"

Azul: "It's okay. Let's add the unspoken part, too. Do I feel like I'm worth something to the world as an old woman?"

Jay: "I didn't mean it that way."

Azul: "I didn't say that you did, young sir. It's something I ask myself every day. What purpose do I have on Earth, right now, without Fuerza? Do I matter anything to anybody other than just sitting in a rocking chair on my front porch, staring into space, whiling away the last breaths of my life?

"Don't feel bad about wondering these things. I have learned that as Timothy's mother and grandmother in Paul's first letter to the young preacher, and according to Paul's admonition to older women my job on Earth is topass along my experiences of life and any wisdomI've learned to help younger men and women to become strong Christians, taking over the days of ministry after I've passed on. I'm really enjoying the ministry I've already started, and I'm looking forward to starting more before I pullmy feet onto the bed for the last time."

Jay: "Azul, how did the events of these past few years change you? Can you give hope to anyone, who may be walking through similar events right now?"

Azul: "I don't like being alone. That's a given. I miss Fuerza terribly. However, my desire to be with people has driven me to find people to be with. As a result, I've helped a young lady to leave prostitution and to start her own business. I helped another widow to put down the sleeping pills, becoming my partner in ministry to the shut-ins and the single mothers of our home town. You can find me at church pretty much every day of the week sweeping, vacuuming, cleaning bathrooms, tending to the gardens, and playing with children when their mothers come to the pastor for counseling sessions.

"When I'm not at church I walk through department stores with my eyes open, looking for people to help. People usually let me help them.

"When it's time to go home after dark, I play worship music, and make scarves and baby blankets as present for new parents and people I meet around town. I've got a stack in the backseat of my car, right now. Want to see them?"

Jay: "Sure. That would be great. we're about to finish our interview, anyway. Do you have any words to close our session? What would you say to someone, who is considering trusting God, and continuing to really live?"

Azul: "Never try to hide your grief. If you've loved someone dearly, and they've died, then grieve dearly because they mattered and they still do. However, don't let grief kill you before it's your time to go. Keep right on being creative. Keep right on helping others to live, and you will keep right on living. If you're still alive, then God has a purpose for your life. Keep living. Keep serving the Lord. Keep loving Him as your everlasting Husband, if you are a Christian, and consider trusting Him for the first time,if you're not. Every day you can do something that will outlive you. Do that. I heard many years ago a quote, that I believe wholeheartedly. 'If I knew that today was my last day on Earth, I'd plant a tree.' As a Christian, I would add one more thing. If I knew that today was my last day on Earth, I'd plant that tree, and I would tell one more person about Jesus. (John 6:37,44)"

Jay: "Thank you, Azul. It has been my great honor to interview you. May the Lord give you many more days to be a blessing to our world."

Azul: "The same to you, Jay."

by Jay O’Toole
on October 28th, 2021