Toe in the Water

Confrontation and All That

Confrontation and All That

Years ago (in my thirties) I had very good friends in a couple who shared many of my interests. We spent many happy hours talking of everything under the sun and getting to know each other.

And then, one day, the lady of the couple and I ran into a subject on which we both held strong but opposite opinions. I had become accustomed to pretty robust argument in my late school and college days and I piled into this one in my usual fashion. Basically, I destroyed her arguments and revealed her thinking to be seriously flawed.

And that, as far as I was concerned, was that. It was an abstract concept that required seriously logical thought to unravel and I saw the incident as doing the lady a favour. I had spoken up for the truth and she could now share in the glory of it.

Oh, arrogant little twerp that I was. About a week later I heard, through another friend, that the lady was quite cut up about the whole thing. It turned out that she had taken it as a personal attack on herself, whereas to me, it was merely a bit of mental sparring to achieve a mutually satisfactory resolution. I had been trained to separate my beliefs and opinions from the person I was, to see that we are not what we think but how we behave.

Suddenly I understood how my devastating attack on this single belief of hers was perceived as a personal affront, seemingly ridiculing her rather than the abstract idea we were talking about. I went round to the couple’s house immediately and apologised for my boorish behaviour, promising that I would never again attack someone else’s beliefs in so vicious a manner.

And as far as I can remember, I have stuck to that promise with everyone I come into contact with. You can try as hard as you like to get me to talk about my political and/or religious beliefs and I will avoid confrontation. No matter how strongly I feel that I am right about something, I do not have the right to judge someone who believes otherwise. We can talk about things, yes, but the moment it starts getting heated, I will back off. It’s really not worth the aggravation.

Years later, a very good friend of mine summed up the matter in a statement that amuses me still. When confronted by mounting dissension and argument, he would defuse it by saying this: “Very well, you go your way. And I’ll go God’s.”


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