My Reflections

Random thoughts (7/21)

I am feeling kind of fickle tonight. One reason is I feel overwhelmed right now. I have so much I need to do and don’t feel like I have the time or energy. I have been trying to figure out some solutions today. I have a couple of things in mind to try to make it better. I want/need to write. Writing is therapeutic for me. It helps me put and keep things in perspective. I am fighting anxiety and depression right now. This does not help the physical issues I am having and the mental /emotional issues are not helping the physical ones. 🤪 I feel extremely exhausted, physically and mentally.

I am supposed to write a fake news story for the rising star assignment. I should be able to do it with ease. However, I am overthinking it right now. I thought I would do it on the Rapture. I mean it would be interesting to experience such an event. I am thinking that would make quite a story. On the other hand, I am not sure what I myself think about it. If things are like they were in the days of Noah, only 8 people got on the boat. Will there really be that many people raptured?

I could also write it from a perspective of if it happened now. What would it be like if the rapture happened today? How many of us would be ready? Maybe I can write the pretend news story based on current times and events. What would it be like after the Rapture? I almost feel like I would need a sequel document to go with it. There are so many variable opinions of the Rapture and when and if it will occur. This would be like a scriptural and reference resource to the fake news story. Either way, the news story is fake.

I want to write with purpose and passion. I want even my fiction to mean something. I want to touch the souls of others with my writing.

I guess if I want to go Biblical, I could pick a story that already happened and create a fictional news story about that too. Hmmm! Maybe I will eventually still write something about the rapture too. Thanks for listening. I needed to think this through. I am still not fully decided but this helped.

I am thinking of trying to rearrange my normal schedule a bit, and reorganize my food supply and the way I have been doing my shopping. I have got to start eating healthier rather I want to or not. I seriously think I may have a food addiction and need to get counseling for that.

I also think I may need more counseling in letting some things go in my past. I keep having dreams about some things that make me feel there are some unresolved issues and I don't know how to process them right now. The dreams are disturbing with reoccurring themes.

If I wrote a book on my life up to this point, I don't want to just focus on all the craziness. I know it may help others to know they are not alone, but it is hard to bare all your deep dark secrets. Sometimes we have to make ourselves vulnerable. Other times, it is a choice. If nothing else I could write a book/journal about it here and see where it goes from there. I don't want to whine about all the bad things that have happened to me. Would it help others to know how I have coped, to know my mistakes and bad decisions, and to know how I believe God was with me all along? Maybe.

I may try to be good and have cleaned up my act quite a bit, but I am no saint. I am definitely a sinner saved by grace. I have been the hypocrite, the rebel, the foolish, the whore, etc... I have been angry at God and told him so. I have been molested, beaten, abused, near death, and suicidal. I got drunk and high and was promiscuous. I still struggle in the flesh.

Maybe it would be therapeutic for me to write about my life. (the good, the bad, and the ugly) On the other hand, it is risky. It is risky to say what I have just said. People fail all the time. We fail ourselves and we fail others. We don't always mean to, but we don't always do what we should do. We hurt others, especially those closest to us.

I guess I am feeling a bit cynical too. Tomorrow is already looking like a very busy day. I guess I had better wind down and go to bed. These are just some random thoughts going through my head.