Sandy Supposes....

Cereal Killers

         Perhaps this pandemic and the ensuing months-long lockdown of retailers has messed with me. Yesterday, I discovered that a new brand of cereal perches upon grocers' shelves hoping to entice curious buyers. Were the product promoters of a certain manufacturer asleep at the concept meeting? Who decided that a cereal tasting like chocolate Kisses would be a winner?

         Does this fulfill a fantasy foiled by mothers? No, as I've repeated countless times, you may not eat candy for breakfast. Did someone dump a package of Kisses into a bowl, smother them with a layer of milk, and declare this a delicious idea?

          Hey, how can I replicate this? Can this experience be somewhat legitimate? If it's slurped via a spoon and not unwrapped from a coloured tinfoil cocoon, it becomes something else. After all, this is a cereal that tastes like chocolate not actual candy. It's a breakfast food. There's a difference.

         I suppose these are the same geniuses who did not like their marshmallows roasted on a stick over a blazing campfire, but created in rainbow hues and mixed in with their cereal instead. How delectable, not. Stale, chewy bits do not enhance the first meal of the day. Again, this is a have-your-cereal-and-candy-too mindset. Cereal is a treat only palatable with extra sugar?

         Another strange marketing ploy is doughnuts as cereal. Are doughnuts swimming in a bowlful of milk considered tasty? Soggy mini doughnuts? I like mine as the finger food they were created to be and enjoying one once in a while for breakfast will not hurt me. Chasing my doughnut(s) 'round a bowl with a dripping spoon...no thanks.

         I hope the chemical giant that developed the formula to duplicate the flavour of chocolate made his / her fortune. Even Cheerios adopted this trend. General Mills must be set upon dominating the cereal market with their varied versions of the little oat 'o.' What flavour don't they have? Honey nut, frosted, whole grain, banana, and more.

         As I've mentioned, I'm new-product naive.Imagine my surprise when a lone, wee, plain Cheerio fell from a box and it resembled a heart. At first, I considered this to be an anomaly. I'm no stranger to the iconic shape of this cereal that my eldest insisted upon calling "ro-ros." Perhaps, somehow, the machine stamping out zillions of tiny circles suffered a glitch. Was this a one-off?

         I shook more oat hearts into my grandgiggle's bowl before I thought to cast my uncomprehending eyes upon the box. Ah, heart-wise Cheerios. A cereal with a message? Inconceivable! A breakfast food advocating healthy choices? Campaigning with a familiar brand?

         While it's debatable as to Cheerios' heart-healthy self-aggrandizing promise, this may well encourage people to consider their hearts. Make heart-affirming options in your diet and your exercise. Remember your heart. Heart strong, heart wise.

         Despite this not being subtle, this message resonates. It nags without the whining voice. It implies the eater of this cereal is important. It bolsters a feeling of self-love.

         If cereals exist for those with a sweet-tooth and the health-conscious, why can't there be a cereal to alter bad habits? What about a cereal that aims to discourage smoking?

         It's obvious that gruesome depictions of cancer-ravaged individuals splayed across cigarette packages do not disturb smokers in the least. They are not appalled or worried by images of blackened lungs either. Bold lettering decrying horrific effects do not seem to attract their hooded, smoke-clouded eyes. All printed warnings are ignored. These repeated cautions do not cause smokers to stop and consider the consequences of their habit. Are they impervious?

         What could this anti-smoking cereal look like? Should it resemble curled cigarette stubs? Should it be white with a red tip to depict a glowing 'smoke?' Or should each cereal bit represent a full ready-to-light ciggy? Perhaps a few bits could be shaped like portable lighters? Maybe throw in a handful of ashtrays? Would it be possible to make the milk change to an ash colour when it dampens the cereal? Surely a smoke flavour exists? There are nicotine-flavoured gums, right? Could this flavour increase in intensity near the bottom of the box? Would it be possible that this extra infusion numbs the smokers tongue nullifying the smoking experience? Am I indulging in wishful thinking? Most smokers probably do not have
working taste buds.

         The cereal box would be created to seem like a cigarette box, bright blue or red. Of course, it would fold like a cigarette package, too. To open the interior and access the cereal, a tinfoil liner would need to be pierced, torn, whatever. Some smokers tuck their lighters into the box ready to be used. With this particular cereal the eater would be encouraged to tuck their favourite spoon inside. Oh, this box must be small enough to fit into a pocket, or wedge up along a vehicle sun visor, as well.

         Nagging and threats do not dissuade smokers. I think this galvanizes their incredible stubborn streaks. Would a soggy cigarette butt cereal do the trick?