Sandy Supposes....

Calm?

PROMPT May 10th

Think back to a time when you felt completely calm. What made you feel that way?

         There are a multitude of times when I felt the polar opposite of calm. Internally, I screamed and wailed. I struggled to focus. I swallowed the claustrophobic specter of my fear and helplessness. My mind raced with one scary scenario after another. For better or worse, I know what it feels like to have my heartrate accelerate within a second and my heart fling itself against my chest. I forced myself to breathe. I concentrated on the present, the tangible, and grasped it tightly.

         Over the years, my offspring have subjected me to one stress test after another. My son especially has survived more than his share of accidents. Bike accidents, car crashes, sporting mishaps, a dog mauling, a cat attack, flying falls from furniture, workplace incidents, and an afternoon trapped in an army tank form a scarred tapestry of our experiences. Not once did I ever feel calm. Not once could I afford to panic.

         Have I ever felt completely calm? Have I not always felt tension, friction and unrest? Sure, there's the calm before the storm, but it's a brief waiting period, a respite. My guard is on high alert. It does not know relaxation. What's that expression? I wait for the other shoe to drop.

         To outward appearances, I may seem calm. I'm not pacing. I'm not ranting and raving. I choose not to throw objects, lash out, or kick. I refrain from confrontation. I suppose I am in control. Well, in control of my reactions. Much of life is beyond my control.

         I'm wracking my brain. Since I embarked upon the pot-holed path of motherhood I've been on standby, alert and ready for whatever should happen. Calm? Cool? Collected?

         I am at my calmest when I am absorbed with reading a book. Time ceases to exist. Human concerns such as thirst and hunger become irrelevant. Background noise becomes muted. My location doesn't matter. I shall always be grateful that respiration is a natural reflex. Never do I command my eyes to blink. When I read I am immersed in the storyline.

         No one need ever command me to calm down. If someone wishes me to calm down they need only to hand me a book.