Wonderland 2021

D. Advice from a Caterpillar - #1 "The Mushroom"

1. "The Mushroom"

Magic Mushroom

A giant portabella mushroom straight off the BBQ grill sits on my plate at the cookout. It’s Bob’s nod to me, being a vegan and all. I don’t want to eat a burger.

But Bob gave me a warning. “Beware of this ‘shroom. Eat right and you’ll see double. Eat left and you’ll see nothing.”

What in the bejesus did that mean? Seriously.

“Bob, you nut. What are you talking about? Did you harvest this from the funny farm or something? Where’d you get this mushroom?”

He just smiled. That devilish little smile of his, like the Chesire Cat.

“Just take a few bites and see. See if I’m right. I dare you. That’s what you get for not eating the burgers I cook.” Bob flipped a burger with a wicked grin on his face. It oozed blood when he pressed the spatula. Then he flipped another. I had to turn away from his taunting.

Mary called me over, “Come here, Julie. Sit by me.” She was at the picnic table with John and Mercy.

“You aren’t eating one of Bob’s Burgers? His world-famous Burgers?”

I sat where Mary indicated. Put down my plate with the portabella, corn, and beans.

“No, Bob fixed me a vegan plate. I think it gave his ego a slap, but he probably did it to be polite.”

“Doesn’t look like something I’d like.” John said as he munched on his burger and potato salad.

I smiled. “They are really tasty. Portabellas taste great when grilled.” I started my meal with a small bite from the left side of the mushroom circle.

“Really Julie. You’re just skin and bones. You’re wasting away. You need some protein.”

I could hear Mercy’s voice. But where was she? My eyes saw fog, nothing else. In a few moments, all was clear.

“What? Protein?”

Mary put her hand on my head. “Are you alright? You spaced out for a moment. Need some water?”

“No, just somewhere else.” I took a bite from the right side of the mushroom.

Chew, chew, then everything was doubled. I couldn’t put my fork into the beans. There were two of everything, everyone; like I had too much wine. I dropped my fork. When I looked over at Bob, he smirked.

“Told you so. Beware of that ‘shroom!” he bellowed. Then let out a giant laugh.

A song came to mind, the one by Jefferson Airplane, “Go Ask Alice”. ‘One pill makes you larger And one pill makes you small And the ones that mother gives you, don't do anything at all.’ But with this mushroom one bite made me blind, one bite made me see double.
Then there was this line, ‘When the men on the chessboard get up and tell you where to go, and you’ve just had some kind of mushroom and your mind is moving low, go ask Alice. I think she’ll know.’

I’ve definitely had some kind of mushroom. I need to ask Alice. Where is she?

“Where’s Alice? Is she here?” No more bites for me. I’ve lost my appetite.

“Alice? Alice who? There’s no Alice here.”

I started singing the song.
https://genius.com/Jefferson-airplane-white-rabbit-lyrics

My friends looked at each other, Mercy grabbed her cell. Bob put down the spatula, turned off the grill, walked over to us.

“What’s the problem?”

“I think she’s off her head. We’re calling the squad. What’d you put on that mushroom, Bob?”

“Oh Mary, nothing but my special sauce, to liven it up.”

“Did it have peanuts in it?” Mary asked.

“Sure. It’s my special Thai sauce. Peanuts and a little something more to liven up the party. Why?”

“She’s allergic to peanuts, you jerk.”


I woke up in the ER. A nurse named Alice checked on me.

“Are you feeling better?”

“What happened?”

“You had an allergic reaction. Anaphylaxis. What are you allergic to?”

“Peanuts. And people named Bob. But if you're Alice, am I in Wonderland?”

W/C 662


Queen Norma Jean