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 |    A nothing from nowhere cast his words to a world wide wind, hindered by periphery. |
| Ever feel helpless because you are just one person? Every day you hear about the atrocities around the world. You can pick out a sad story from the headlines any time you turn on the news, reach for a newspaper, or listen to the accounts of the lives about you. It's unfortunate that we feel we cannot unify ourselves to combat the elements that sadden us, weaken our hearts daily. But I'm reminded, as I was today, there is hope. I just have to trust in the Lord/God, in myself, to do the right things to bring about change. We could also just spread the love and infect others with the joy that could encourage change in our lives and to the surrounding world until all the walls that surround us can tumble down. Its like the little ant, that little locomotive, the one spark that could ignite a fire. Just as we could inflict pain with one little word, we could do so much good with one act/word that is good. Yes, I'm fresh from this Sunday's sermon. I have my pastor and my son to thank for some encouraging words that resonate in my mind as I type this message. In fact, I was jotting down my thoughts on the church bulletin when I was struck with another epiphany to bring it all home. The message today was about one little word and how it could have so much meaning and impact -- when words tempt tongues and teaching ourselves to spread love and not hate. And I was reminded how much time I dwell on the negative, the things I cannot change while ignoring the most precious assets in my life...my children. As my son and I walked up the aisle to take communion holding hands, he gave me a tug to pull my ear down to his level. He had wanted to walk up with his mother who opted to carry his sister and a fight could have broken out, but I had reached back and tenderly took his hand to show him I needed him by my side. The loving act inspired him to say, "Dad, do you think after church we could spend some time together? Just you and me?" How could I deny this request, even though I had planned to write. (I'm writing this now while he is in Sunday school so I do not interfere with our time together when he returns home) Thoughts were taking shape in my mind about Alex growing up and needing me. Would we still be close and share time together, have a bond so strong that it would do both our hearts good. I thought about the path so many other parents take with their teens, getting disconnected and never being able to properly communicate or respect one another enough to know each others needs, the common understanding of what each face and how they are really in this life together. When we had returned to our pews, I reached for my bulletin to write down this precious moment to recount in my blog here. I didn't want to lose its profoundness. I started by jotting 'could it be as simple as the precious gift of our time, giving them not only our eyes and ears but our hearts?' After I began to scribble down what Alex had told me, it was time to turn to our hymnals and the profundity struck again like a tidal wave...Hymn number 454: "Open My Eyes, That I May See". It was all there, discovering the words as we sang about the eyes, ears, and mind, and ultimately, the heart. Three simple verses resonated in my soul. I realized then God had a suggestion for me, telling me I was on the right path to understanding. The sermon about spreading those words of love, about sharing this kindness with my children, seeds of love to plant and watch grow, to carry on the message of His love. It's so obvious, and we all know right from wrong. But don't we need an eye-opener like this from time to time? Don't we need to feel that special connection to God to let us know he is listening? Timing is everything. It is key to helping us take a moment of epiphany and make it life changing. I have been tuning out my family to focus on this writing that just would not bear fruit for me. But with my children, I have true inspiration. The love I share with them will grow and return to me. I just have to be patient and give it a little time. I wrestle with not being a more productive writer with the limitations of my vision, mental and physical health, my shortcomings as a human who finds it difficult to interface with this alien internet society. I wanted more from myself, to feel fulfillment from something that would not give back. I looked for rewards, feedback, any message that would say 'yes, this is your calling. You've finally found what you've been looking for.' But I have nothing to reap from what I have sown. It seems a lifetime since I started writing again and found myself here. I lost my way. There has been so much ignorance to this renewed fire to write that I cannot see where it should be taking me. I need to take a step back and focus on family, on sharing my love with others, on taking care of this fragile psyche so I can be healthy enough to write again...when the time is right. I have to take these little words and invest them in a loving strategy. I need to plant these seeds where they will grow and ignore infertile soils and seek greater pasture. I'm running out of metaphors!  Guess that's my cue to end it here for now. I really should end it here...take some time and really consider hard the choices I've been presented with today. If I never come back to write, I should still be happy. I have love...God and family. That's all I need to insure happiness. No more of the 'what if', doubting, trolling this empty internet wasteland to sate my need for some arrival. It's not here (at this website for writers). It may never be. It's just a virtual reality. I've got something real. ~ Brian Open my eyes, that I may see Glimpses of truth Thou hast for me; Place in my hands the wonderful key That shall unclasp and set me free. Refrain 1: Silently now I wait for Thee, Ready my God, Thy will to see, Open my eyes, illumine me, Spirit divine! Open my ears, that I may hear Voices of truth Thou sendest clear; And while the wave notes fall on my ear, Everything false will disappear. Refrain 2: Silently now I wait for Thee, Ready my God, Thy will to see, Open my ears, illumine me, Spirit divine! Open my mouth, and let me bear, Gladly the warm truth everywhere; Open my heart and let me prepare Love with Thy children thus to share. Refrain 3: Silently now I wait for Thee, Ready my God, Thy will to see, Open my heart, illumine me, Spirit divine! |
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