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 |  Zee Journal! |
| Biggest Loser contest has started at work. Tomorrow is the first weigh in of the contest. It goes on for another 2 and a half months. I'm working my ass off to get my weight down. Which is beginning to concern me. I don't feel like I'm doing this whole weight thing for myself. To be honest I feel like I'm doing it out of spite. Like I'm feeding an evil little seed with water every single time I go to the gym, or keep my meal size down to dietary terms. In the past two years I can honestly say a rift has grown in my mind and heart when it comes to women. With their passing my heart has been ripped to shreds nearly every three months. I've made some bad choices when it comes to the people I've shared my heart with, and I know this. Although I've always seen something I guess they themselves don't even see, or maybe I make up. Regardless, it's caused a crack to form. I never really thought it would happen either. A wall that was erected over my heart that kept that little center of trust protected. A wall so thick that for so many years, no matter how many people might have battered it, proudly it held strong and clean. Yet, now it feels like its crumbling under the constant onslaught of the outside world. The strongest of the outside's siege weapons has been my relationship with females. This sounds horribly self-involved, but I don't have a hard time attracting women. Given a good five minutes I tend to normally fall into a girls sphere of friendship. Yet, from that point I rarely make much headway. Most will find me there and say to themselves, and on occasion me, "I wish I could find someone like you" or "You would make a great husband." Some have gone so far as being romantic with me. But then it just fades away. They get what they want and then they are gone. Actually, I would be lucky if they were just gone. Instead, they stay around and continue to take what they need. Every girl that knows me, knows that I care for them. I will eventually tell them, or those that are romantically involved know what that means to me. I have never been romantic with someone I don't care for. Stupid me. And I'm growing angry. I'm not sure why they are so content on taking what they need and ignoring me. I'm not the best looking guy, to which a lot is given. Ugh...roommate attack. Talk to you later... //Continuation// Roommate came in to try and get the answer for my grumpiness today. How are you to tell a person that they are one of the reasons because you want to be with them, but they want to have nothing more than friendship and the most physical of romantic relationships with you? A girl that will tell me one minute that she is going to end up marrying me, only for the next to be going on about the abs on some guy she is seeing online? A girl who will ask for me to just lie with her one night, and then ignore me the whole next evening because she is talking to 20 guys online? A girl who I've grown so attached to and enjoy spending so much time with, yet who seems to keep me around as one might keep around an automobile. Using it when the need arises but generally keeping it hid away in the garage? Am I so shameful that I cannot even be given the chance to be something more? It eats at me. Causing the wall to crumble at a faster rate. The wall around my trusting heart. A darkness creeps in, slowly corrupting the purity of what lay inside. Where once I wanted only to show love I now wish to show anger, jealousy, and disgust. I want to become that person that can throw them to the side like I often feel they do to me. I want to see their eyes light up with affection when they look at me, only to notice me paying attention to someone else. I desire to see their hopes, their feelings, whither away like a flower under this desert sun. Sometimes I want to cry. To ask why they do it, even though they know the toll upon me. Maybe they think it's a cover. A nice guy visage the wolf wears. It's possible they think I merely do it so I can get what I want and leave. That I'm just the average guy and should be treated as such. What happens when the desire to give in to darkness becomes a welcoming idea? Why in this world so obvious not to change should one spend their entire life swimming upstream? Why finish last when you can cut your way to first? |
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