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 |  This is my blog & my hope, writing daily will help me see my progress and log supporters. |
| Today, Nada returned to work after having the past week off. I've enjoyed having her around because there was no alarm going off at 6.30 am and we now have the house the way we want it. Although, I must admit to some relief that she has gone back to work. I felt sorry for her this morning as she rode out the gates and into the pouring rain. Before she left, I asked if she wanted to wait until the rain eased. She looked at me with bewilderment before putting on her raincoat and helmet. Having endured monsoonal wet seasons her whole life, riding a motorbike in the rain is normal for her. I considered going back to bed after Nada left, but keeping our body clocks in sync is important...and besides, writing during a thunderstorm inspires me. It's the little things that make all the difference when it comes to being in a relationship. Nada is the sweetest girl you can imagine, although she does have some bad habits I am trying to change. She tends to leave lights on and doors open when the aircon is running. It seems to take her forever to get ready to go out...but overall, she's a keeper. I know I have my own bad habits, but the difference is Nada is too sweet to mention them to me. An example of her innocence is that Nada (according to her...and I believe her) has never masturbated. I'm not sure if that's a common thing here in Thailand, but I've never come across it. It may have something to do with living in the West and our exposure to pornography and the so-called, sexual revolution. In the past, I would have tried to corrupt someone as innocent as Nada. Drugs like meth cause sexual deviance and create a fear not to feel so alone. I'm ashamed to say that in every relationship I had when I was using, I brought drugs into the mix (for my own twisted pleasure and driven by addiction). And in every case, I ended up creating a monster that I couldn't control...a monster, that was the toxicity within the relationship...a monster that I eventually had to destroy (by ending the relationship). Nada grew up on a rice farm (her father still owns land used for rice production) and their small house didn't have many bedrooms. Privacy wasn't available when six kids were running around the place, and I suppose I never thought about a situation where self-pleasure was never even considered. She is aware that people masturbate. I told her about my own experiences and that I consider it to be normal. She calls it, "Helping one's self", and for the first time I can remember, I feel no desire to corrupt my partner...at least, not the way I used to. Oh, I'm still a toned-down pervert, and it is indeed true that a leopard never changes its spots, but the degree of deviance has changed to a more 'normal' level of lovemaking between consenting adults. I will always push the boundaries, but I've told Nada that unless she likes what we are doing, it ends there, and we then make our way to the next roadblock of what is acceptable behaviour in the bedroom. The only family member I am in contact with is my older sister. Rifts between my other siblings run too deep to repair. She and I email each other regularly, and a while ago, I mentioned (without thinking) that I have been nominated for a Quill Award for this blog. She had no idea I had a blog, and asked for a link so she could read what all the fuss was about. It was then that I realised how important anonymity is when writing with as much honesty as I do. I'm not ashamed of my past, but then, I don't want to compromise...and being able to say what I need to say, to people I will likely never meet is far more important than bragging rights to family members. |
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