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My journal about my conversion to Judaism. |
| Sometimes, I have no idea how things work out the way that they do, but G-d definitely has a hand in everything. When I started coming to this community (that I now live in), I had no idea how I was going to be able to afford the gas to come every week. I just knew that I had to. Something would happen the few times that I didn't think I would be able to come because of money, and I was able to. When I knew I had to move here, I didn't know I was going to be able to afford the move or how I could afford to be able to pay rent and to eat. I won't lie. Moving here was expensive, but let me tell you something that hit me in the middle of praying in the synagogue this morning. Right before the reading of the Torah, (page 223 in my Siddur) the prayer starts with a blessing. In this prayer, it says, "It is You Who feeds all and sustains all." Last week we had a huge storm that took out the power. I was without power for three days. I threw away a large amount of food. Kosher food is not cheap. I didn't worry too much because I had plenty of mac & cheese and pancake mix in the cupboard. Eating on that was no big deal for a couple of weeks, because I could eat a salad and cholent at shul on Shabbat after davening. That line brought me to tears (which I held back because I didn't want to look like a blubbering idiot or have to explain why I was crying), because I had worried about not having my basic needs met when I was moving here. I have lived in my new apartment for six weeks (have had my keys for over seven). I have paid three months rent on two different apartments (over $8000), have covered every expense: books for studying for conversion, new classroom supplies, gas to go back and forth between apartments and cities, moving expenses (including renting a van and carpet cleaning), regular bills, and food. I have paid all my bills, and I have not gone hungry once (except when I was too busy and forgot to eat - my fault, not G-d's). I have already replaced food in my fridge. Not all of it, but most of it. I was told that if G-d wanted me to convert, he would help me move. I, of course believed that to be true. There is a difference, however, between knowing something to be true and watching it happen before you eyes. I have worked on my trust (Bitachon) and faith emunah) for over a year and let every coincidental event that helped me get here to this community be my fuel to keep going. There is nothing "coincidental" about having to pay over $8000 for rent in addition to extra expenses. There is nothing "coincidental" about losing power and throwing away hundreds of dollars of food and being able to replace it. There is nothing "coincidental" about seeing every need that I have be filled, paying every bill, never going hungry (again, except when I forget to eat), and still not being penniless. This line hit me with me new meaning today, "It is You Who feeds all and sustains all." It has never been so clear that G-d is taking care of me than it has been these past 7 weeks. I have stressed and had conversations with G-d and with friends for months about how I needed to move here and how I had no idea how I could afford it as a poor single parent living on a teacher's salary. Every penny that I have had in my bank account has been from working. I earned it. Every penny that I have spent has been from my own bank account. There is no "coincidence" that anyone can claim occurred. How then did I have the money to do all of this? I have worked extra hard and extra long, and left the rest up to G-d. I could see today how he has kept me fed. When I worked so long that I wasn't sure what I was going to eat because I was too tired to cook (not because I didn't have food), someone invited me to dinner (every time, no lie). When I wasn't sure how I was going to afford next week's bills, my check included pay that I thought wasn't going to be paid for another month. He has fed me. He has sustained me. There have been times in this conversion process that have been overwhelming. There have been times that I have been in awe and wonder. There are many times that I was in this city and asked G-d, "Are you sure you really want me here?" and then there are times that I just trusted him. I have never seen G-d work on such a massive scale as he has over the past three months. He has turned my prayer from, "If this is what you want for my life, I am trusting you" to, "It is You Who feeds all and sustains all." Once again, G-d, your love have moved me to tears. Thank you for all you have done for me, all that you are doing for me, and all that you will do for me. Your kindness is truly overwhelming. |
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