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This is my blog. I just went through a divorce; it was the worst thing that has yet to happen to me. This is me dealing with it and life. It's my blog; I write about what I want. I hope you enjoy. ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** The above was me about three years ago. It is the most up to date digital photo I have.
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| Leadership has been on my mind lately. I have been looking for it everywhere. It is lacking in most areas of life. It amazes me how many people are sheep. I am pretty sure that I could find five or six people here at work that I could lead directly into on coming traffic without anyone complaining. All it would take would be to start a discussion of whether we should get out of traffic. Because so few people are willing to put their juevos on the line and MAKE A DAMN DECISION. I don't know about you, but I would rather have someone make a decision...right or wrong, than to leave me hanging in the purgatory of indecision. But here is the real kicker, it isn't indecision. It is the lack of intestinal fortitude to take a bleeping risk and...make a choice. Black or white? Right or Left? Up or down? Should I leave my head up my ass or remove it? Well, that last one is the only decision that is made around here. People choose not to remove it. I love the people I work with. Don't get me wrong, but I am getting to the point where me as the grunt worker is about ready to make all the executive decisions. I am so frustrated, and I have no outlet other than this blog at the moment. At some point, you have to look at things and say to do this, presents this risk. To do that involves this other risk. Then, you put your grab your nads, hold on for dear life and hope that if the action is wrong, they only cut a leg off. Hiding behind committees and investigations and studies only pisses your subordinates off. Leaders need to do exactly that...lead. Set a course, point us down the path towards enlightenment or devolution. I do not have the experience in the work we are doing to lead a team...YET! However, I almost feel that I have to step up and do it. First decision, pull head out of sphincter and breath some fresh air. Now, doesn't that smell better? Oh look, the view is nicer out here, too. Hey, you over there, I can see you trying to go back in. Don't!!!! Now, that ordeal is through. Let's all take a deep breath and make a decision. Let's start small. Where do we want to go for lunch? Grifter P.S. AAAAAARRRRRRRGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!! |
| I love learning about philosophy. I absolutely love it. What other subject is so totally devoid of reality (besides politics)? Even science fiction and fantasy stories have to be believable. The characters have to act in real ways, but in philosophy, you take one aspect of life or human beings, then strip away everything and go. Philosophy is just so fun, but it is all theory at best. Socialism is still a very popular philosophy because it is a great theory. It would be great if we could all live in harmony and support each other. Wouldn't this world be a better place without money? But socialism forgets one dark aspect of humanity...greed. When one person takes more than they deserve, socialism is done. Then you get people who are upset because they work just as hard as Joe, but Joe has more stuff. Socialism is good in theory, but it just doesn't pan out in reality. Capitalism is a great philosophy, too. However, it also does not deal with the whole of reality. It is great to believe that greed and the need to better themselves drive all humans. However, this is harsh and cold. Pure capitalism would deny things like charity and welfare. Sure, you could argue that giving to charity provides one with a sense of self worth, and that is the return capitalists would get from donating. But really, that is stretching it a bit too far. I don't buy that. How would pure capitalism deal with the millions of uninsured Americans? It would leave them without medical insurance and without treatment. So, these are two examples of philosophies that people try to apply to our world. There are still socialists, and America is built upon capitalism. However, these two opposing philosophies work great together. Capitalism marches our society forward because it is the inventor and businessman's best interest to get the new product into the market. It provides for his/her family and society. Socialism (I cringe using this word.) maintains a little bit of heart in capitalism. I do not believe in the redistribution of wealth, but I know social programs like welfare and social security can be effective if applied correctly. America is a country that is constantly tries to find a balance between these two philosophies. The men and women who shaped this country push it towards one end (Reagan's capitalism) or the other (FDR's socialism...I mean, New Deal). Isn't that amazing? Americans purposely shift their society along the philosophical scales in the simple pursuit of making their lives better. I find this uplifting because we all are trying to do our best for this country. I admit that I am ignorant of most other countries political process, and I should read more on them. I am glad to see Mr. Sarkozy winning in France to balance past political figures. It is a wonderful sight to see everyday people choose who will represent them to the world. Grifter |
| I know I said see you Monday, but some of the drivel in my mind can't wait for the end of the weekend. I was enjoying another fine export from the lovely U.K. (United Kingdom, not University of Kentucky for all you below the Mason - Dixon). Doctor Who is back on Sci Fi tonight, and I found a little time to enjoy it. This show lead directly to me figuring out why my marriage failed. She didn't have an accent! I mean, even the grannies on Doctor Who were getting my blood pumping. Hell, give me a couple bottles of wine and two Vicoden, the Doctor himself might have to fend me off. Okay, well, maybe the lure of the accent isn't that strong. Give me a woman with an accent...British, French or Southern Texas, and I will give her the best half hour of her life...after a very disappointing two minutes.  Seriously, though, I don't know what it is about women with an accent, but those dulcet tones resonate in my heart and...ahem, elsewhere; they draw me in. Rose from the first two seasons of Doctor Who on Sci Fi channel has a standing proposal from me.I think it is the way that British women shout made up words like Oi! that really get me going. Then you have Salma Hayek with the Latino accent that turns any word into an erotic adventure. If you don't believe me, look at the box office receipts for the movie Desperado. With her and Antonio Banderas, a terribly plotted action craptacular draws in lots of Americans. My bet would be a lot of single Americans. And I don't really care where the accent is from either. That voodoo woman from the last Pirates film, she could talk me out of a car any day. Her Carribbean Queen accent had me planning trips to Jamaica. The German gal that came over as a Foreign exchange student in High School had my already dirty mind working in overdrive. I used to freeze my sweatband before gym class so I wouldn't pass out from overclocking my pubescent mind. I love American women, so, please, don't take that the wrong way, but I have tried dating American women. Nothing has worked out so far. Isn't what this time is about? Trying new things? Maybe I should date a bisexual English chick with a literature degree. Or how about a middle eastern gal with an affinity for stamp collecting? What about the French belly dancer who cooks Thai? An asian woman with a gambling problem? Or a kind New Yorker? No, let's face it, women like that would kill this midwestern Catholic. I would be like a dog who finally caught up to the car...I wouldn't know what in the hell to do with it. But a Catholic can dream; can't he? Before going to confession, a Catholic...can dream. This rambling, nonsensical, semi-sexist blog entry brought to you by: Grifter |
| I am currently reading Rudy Guiliani's book Leadership. It discusses how to lead an organization using his time as mayor of New York. It is like any other book on management and leadership that I have read. He talks about motivating employees, surrounding yourself with the right people and prepare for every decision thoroughly. However, his stories and the writing are great. They are easy to read, and I find myself pulled along by his story. The best writing is the opening chapter on 9/11. He talks about 9/11 in the first chapter, but he lets it go for the book for a while. I thought this was great. It was tough enough reading one chapter on 9/11. It was emotional and devastating, still. But he shows that his time as mayor was about much more than his 9/11 response. It is an inspiring book that has brought out some feelings that I have had for a long, long time. I like to think of myself as a leader; I don't know if others agree with me or not. But I try to live up to the leadership attributes that my organization puts out there. This divorce has put quite a big speed bump in my life, and I got off course with the leadership pursuit. I questioned whether to go for my M.B.A. or not because I lost perspective on who I am or was. I have also used this time to question myself and what I want. I have looked into other possibilities for my life than an attempt at a leadership position, but after reading this book and researching other career paths, I am going to have to look for a position managing and leading teams. As I grow older, I am learning that is next to impossible to accomplish anything on your own. My work group is a team; lawyers have teams to practice law; successful real estate investors build networks of individuals to accomplish their goals. How those teams are directed and steered towards their joint goals can make or break a business venture. This is nothing new for a lot of people, but it is new for me. (I suffer from a thickness of the skull and the arrogance of youth.) I feel deep inside me that I can lead a group of people towards success. Unfortunately, I do not have the experience to be a successful leader, yet! I do have the drive, though. So, to pursue this goal, I have to gain experience. If only I had enough patience! Thank goodness for the examples of other leaders, like Rudy, that I can read about and learn from. I still don't know what field of life (Law, Real Estate or Engineering) that I will focus on. Hell, I might even open my own business someday. For now, I will learn from my elders and my betters, and I will master the basics of my current profession. Of course, I will blog and blog in an online attempt to figure out what the hell I want to do with my life. One of the principles that Rudy talks about in his book is surrounding yourself with the right people. I am slowly doing that the list of blogs to the left. They all inspire me and give me support. (I recommend that everyone stop by their blogs.) So, see I can apply the lessons that I have learned. Let's see if I can do the same offline. Grifter |
| Good morning, and happy 4th of July to everybody. Today, I want to talk about something that annoys me to death. Politics in America (I am ignorant of street politics anywhere else in the world.) has become ridiculous. I mean more than just the politicians. People interacting with one another in a political discussion is ridiculous anymore. I was talking to a nice lady last night out at the bookstore. She brought up the Iraq war, which is a land mine in and of itself. When my opinion differed with hers, she labeled me a wacko, right wing, evangelical racist. She got that opinion of me because I disagreed with her on the Iraq war. I just rolled my eyes and walked away. How can anyone have a rational discussion and exchange of ideas with someone like that? I know I can't because that isn't the first time it has happened to me. The last time it happened because I voted for gay marriage. I was immediately labeled a left, tree hugging, baby-killing heathen who was probably on welfare. Why is there such hatred between the two political parties now? On the fringes of the parties, there has always been wackos and haters. Now, it is right smack in the middle of the parties. To me, it started with two presidents (only because I have such a small lifetime.) W and Clinton have pushed the middles of each party more towards the fringes of each respective party than anyone in my lifetime. (For full disclosure, I hated Clinton during his presidency because I believe a president should have his mind elsewhere besides his pants. Keep your affairs as night time things, run the country first.) I know people who still claim Bush stole the election regardless of the independent recounts that the New York Times and Washington Post conducted. One well known right wing talk show host, not Limbaugh, still blames everything on Clinton. How ridiculous is that? They are both just men trying to do what they thought was best for the country. Whether you think Bush has ties to corporate America and the Saudis, or Clinton was in bed with the Chinese, just realize that they are men. They are capable of every error and bad judgement that anyone else can commit. Sure they have advisers and handlers, but ultimately, they make their decisions for themselves. But I digress. Whether you hate Bush or not (as a lot of people seem to), hear someone out before labeling them. If you think Clinton really did nothing in office, at least, give your neighbor a chance before you consign them to the liberal, lefty, pinko-commie wasteland. This nation was built by people with diverging ideas working together, not throwing labels and invectives at each other. It would be great if our politicians could get back to that ideal; although, realistically, it will never happen. However, we, the everyday citizens of this country, should give each other a chance to hear each other out. That way, we can have more presidents like Reagan, who won the votes of many democrats. If not, then we will be stuck in the wastelands that Jimmy Carter and Bush's second term have given us. So, make sure that gun toting, fiscal conservative is a bigot before throwing that label out there. Because he may also agree with gay marriage and the right to union representation. The tree hugger across from you might also believe in limited government and freedom of religion. Politicians like us to fall neatly into the two categories, Republican and Democrat. Few of us really fall squarely along party lines. But more and more, we are molding ourselves to fit those categories. Well, that is my experience of society. Hopefully, yours is different. * * * To my international friends, do you experience political division as savagely as America has in the past few years? (Obviously, do not count people like Hitler or Mussolini. The famous political savages are known to even us ignorant Americans.) Thanks. Grifter |
| Tomorrow, most of America will try to blow up a small piece of our country with fireworks. It has always struck me as appropriate that fireworks are used to celebrate our nation's birth. People enjoy the pretty colors and the loud noises, but fireworks remind me that our nation was born amid gunfire. Those who created our country heard loud noises and saw horrifying colors in pursuit of a dream. What would the founding fathers (and mothers) think of our government today? Ignore the fact that they could not come to grips with computers, TV's and the internet. What would they think of the men, women and policies of our government today? I find it fascinating because I bet they would be horrified. Special interest groups run our congress, our judicial system legislates from the bench now and our president lets us down. (Honesty in opinion: yes, I voted for W twice. I was happy with his first term, and disappointed is too mild to describe my feelings for the second.) And none of those listed above knows what it means to have to go work every morning to feed their families. I think this nation would be served by having all politicians do an internship on a farm. On a farm, you work hard. You learn to take care of your equipment; you learn how to care for the ground and animals that provide for you. You also learn about life and death. It would be perfect for the environmentalists. They could learn to care for the earth they say they love. All these people who care about the working man would learn what it means to be a working man. I believe that a lot of our government's priorities are way off because the ruling elite in this country is so out of touch with main street America. But I will celebrate the birth of our nation tomorrow and return to work on Thursday. Another independence day gone by wondering, what would those revolutionaries think of their country today? Grifter |
First thank you to BeautyFromAshes   for the merit badge. I appreciate it and the lovely comments.* * * As part of my divorce, I have been trying to see the positive side of life. Well, now that I will be single again, I can enjoy one of life's greatest treasures...the first kiss. The first kiss is an exciting experience. It is even worth all the crap that leads up to it and the crap that follows. I love the walk back to my date's front door. With each step my stomach twists just a little more. When we get to her front door, I love the awkward conversation that follows because it is meaningless. It is just to delay the kiss a little longer. At some point during, "I had a good time tonight," I like to look into her eyes because that is when women develop telepathy. They send me the thought, "Well, kiss me, already, ya big dope" or "Oh my God, keep those lips away from me." I think that with whatever phrase they send into my brain, they couch it in a command for my palms to start sweating. Luckily, I figured a way to defeat this by brushing my palms on my jeans if I feel touching is appropriate. I guess it is finally up to me whether I lean in for the kiss or not, and it is at this moment that my energy level skyrockets. My organs seem to be making a break for freedom. My skin gets all tingly and goosebumpy. My stomach starts to roll like an old engine having trouble turning over. My bladder usually gets jealous of the attention that I am giving the girl and picks that moment to say hi. But I put all of that aside when I get up enough chutzpah to kiss her. Time at that moment slows with each inch I advance towards the waiting mouth. It is almost as if the moment that I actually get there, time will stop. When I get about a quarter of the way there, I look at the woman. Hopefully, she is not pulling back with a look of horror on her face. If she is, then I immediately look for the hand searching for my cheek. If she isn't leaning back, then usually she has closed her eyes and is leaning in towards me. Once, one gal was just standing there laughing at me. That was a real ego booster! Then, right before the moment of truth, the best part comes. There is so much potental in that fraction of a second before our lips meet. Will she have hard, thin lips, or will they be full, soft pillows? Did she eat onions at dinner? Did I eat onions? Whoops, I did. Did I chew any gum on the car ride over? Finally, the moment of truth has arrived. It comes so slowly and then departs so fast. Afterwards, I always get a second free from the rest of the world. Everything leading up to and away from that moment, disappear. I get to bask in the radiant glow of the fact that someone doesn't find me hideous. What night. Thankfully, I only get a first kiss like once every five years or so. Anymore would probably kill me. But now, I get to try for them again. Well, I better start stocking up on gum now. Grifter |
| I went home from work yesterday trying to answer the question Who am I? ten times. It has baffled me to the point of needing a break. Well, I went by the corner meat market. They have great meat at very cheap prices. They blow away the chain grocery stores when it comes to steaks, pork chops and chicken breasts. So, I picked up a filet mignon steak. It is the size of a 16 oz. cottage cheese lid for $5; you can't beat that price. I got home and fired up the propane grill to preheat. The cats were chasing each other every where around the house. I pulled out a mix of spices that go great on steaks. It is a blend of garlic, salt and cracked black pepper. The steaks get covered liberally on both sides, and to make sure, I rub the spices into each face that will sit on my grill. I head to the back door dodging the cat race currently in its tenth lap around the family room. (Nellie was falling behind until she bit onto Saleen's tail.) I opened the grill to a fire ontop of one of the grease shields. I turned down the heat and scraped and cleaned the grill off. Some of last weeks hamburger fat was still on the grill. The smell of hamburger was in the air. I put the steak on the grill, and it sizzled. This is important. For meat like a steak, the areas where the cutting blade touches must be cooked at a high temperature. This ensures a healthy eating experience. The inner part of the steak where the blade never touches is safe. As I am grilling, I love to sit outside and watch the world around me. Only, it was sprinkling yesterday. It wasn't raining enough to get soaked, but it was enough to keep everybody but me indoors. I was out there because I love the rain. I love to grill, and I love the rain. The rain isn't a nuisance for me; it is an embrace of a cold lover. She trickles her fingers over my face and down neck. She likes my hair messy, and she always gives me goosebumps. It was a sensual treat being outdoors. The rain sizzled on the hot grill; the cold rain lit up my touch receptors, and the steak was giving off its come hither smell. The rain clouds were so black that they almost seemed purple. It was a strange moment of perfection that was fleeting. I had to get that steak off the grill before it became medium well done. That would just be a travesty. As I cut into the steak, the juices flowed over the steak fries that I had been cooking inside the house. The steak was warm with a gradual color change from grey outside to a warm pink center. It was wonderful. I am a damn good cook, and yes, I am tooting my own horn. While I was eating, the rain stayed on my mind. I have a fantasy of making love to a woman in the rain on a balcony over looking the lights of beautiful Paris. (Strangely specific) The thought of Paris at night screams romance to me. I am a romantic at heart. I find nothing more enjoyable than planning a romantic evening for a woman. Once, I bought half a dozen roses and hid them in various places that we just happened to find on our date. We didn't make it halfway through the date before we found the last rose. Her roommate hid that rose for me on her pillow. It hit me this morning why I was having trouble answering the question of who I am. I am everything above. I am more than just a breakdown of one word or phrase. Now, I can go back and pick words out of what I wrote above to follow through with the exercise. I guess I am just a long-winded thinker. I am not someone who can break me into a word or a phrase, and that makes me happy. I know that I am a writer because why use one word when I can drone on and on with beautiful words like sensual and sizzle. I am still sticking with not talking about the causes of my divorce because I do that enough with friends and family. This blog is an escape from examining what went wrong. However, I do regret that I stopped being the romantic that I am. I let that slip away because I was worried about money. When I was a broke college guy, I was romantic. So, I know that romance doesn't need money; I just forgot that. That is one of the regrets that I have, and it is a lesson that I can never forget again. Without romance, how am I ever to stand on balcony over looking Paris in the rain with another person? Grifter |
| I am still here. I don't really have much to say today. I saw my counselor yesterday for the weekly talk. We discussed careers and passions. I am interested in almost everything under the sun or any other sun. She recommended a book about careers. What Color is Your Parachute? It suggests a few exercises. One is to write Who Am I? at the top of ten pages. Then write one word or phrase to answer that question on each page. Then go back and expand upon that word or phrase. I am not looking to change jobs; I am looking to focus my area of interest for outside of work activities. Real estate investing, law school and/or writing are three big areas that are interesting me right now. All of them take a lot of time. Writing is more flexible than the other two, and I know that I will be able to fit writing in with the other areas. The problem is that I cannot answer that question ten times. So far, I have one answer. Who am I? A man. So, I am in one of those moods where I am really, really, really contemplative. I am thinking so hard about who I am now and who I was before I lost myself. It is causing everything else in life to be put on hold. Plus, I have been dealing with a lot of the problems that caused the split. In my first entry, I promised that I wouldn't bad mouth her or bring up old issues. I am going to stick to that because I feel that is best. Well, that is all for the mad ramblings of my mind. I am confused, frustrated and broke heading into the weekend here in the Lou. Thankfully, I have to work tomorrow, so there will be no time to ponder who I am and who I want to be. Instead, I will be wondering what the hell I am doing in the office on a Saturday. Grifter |
| I am stuck in hell. My life cannot go forward or backward until this divorce is done, but it just drags on and on. I cannot sell my house; I cannot move to an area that is better for single people. I cannot go out on a date. Our settlement might be changing...again. This divorce is the best thing for both of us. We are going two different directions with our lives, and I think we will both be much better without each other. But the divorce just remains in neutral. It is close to being finalized, but that last step seems too big to take. I enjoy investing in real estate, and until our divorce is finalized, I can't make plans to get back to investing. I have to sit and worry about my credit score and finances. I am wasting money by paying my attorney when things should be over by now. It is hard to want to go on because I have to start over again. I don't love her the way that I should, and she doesn't love me at all. But it still is very hard to part. We don't really care for each other, but our relationship was comfortable and convenient for so long. We both deserve better, but I am just afraid of starting over. I have very low self-esteem right now in all areas of my life, and the fact of starting over just seems too big. There are areas of my life that I want to straighten out. (That is why I started this blog.) I have made the decision that dating has to wait. Some of my friends are pushing me to get back out there. Why? Right now, everything in my life is up in the air, and adding someone to that mess would be a tragedy for both of us. I won't lie; it would be great to have someone. I hate sleeping alone, and I would love to have someone to come home to, again. But that would just exacerbate all the issues that I am dealing with right now. I have worked so hard at trying to do the right things to get through this divorce with my sanity. I am avoiding drinking, I am staying away from rebound relationships, and I am trying to deal with my wife in a friendly, adult manner. But it is so damn hard. Doing the right thing is more difficult than anything. I work hard at maintaining a positive attitude, and I am about ready to explode! Thank God in heaven for this blog. It has been a huge vent for my wildly erratic mind, and it has led me to meet some new, interesting and inspiring people. I don't read as many blogs as I should, but I get around to the regulars quite often. Who knew putting my mental diarhea on the internet would be so stress relieving? Making any large changes or any steps right now would just be masturbation. I am making all the small changes that the experts recommend. I have rearranged my living space. I am exercising and getting out in nature. I have bought myself something special that is just for me. I am writing in my journal. I have written emotional letters that never got sent, and that all seems to be masturbation, too. Does it help? It must because I can't seem to stop doing any of it. I know things aren't bad for me when compared to the troubles and travails of the world around me. But this is my life, and it is so damn frustrating. I am spinning my wheels on the road of life. I haven't crashed and burned yet, but that financial settlement looks like it wants to play chicken with my future. Hopefully, it blinks first. Grifter |
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