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This is my blog. I just went through a divorce; it was the worst thing that has yet to happen to me. This is me dealing with it and life. It's my blog; I write about what I want. I hope you enjoy. ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** The above was me about three years ago. It is the most up to date digital photo I have.
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| By the age of 28, I had accomplished all of my dreams but one. I possessed a graduate degree in engineering; I was working my dream job on my favorite aircraft; and I was married to a beautiful intelligent woman. All that was left was fatherhood, but I was married, so that would come, right? I had no other dreams. I had goals and ambitions, but they were in support of my wife's dreams. I had nothing to be passionate about but her. I love my job, but it isn't my passion. I had nothing left to work for. I wanted to be a manager because that meant more money, which meant more opportunities for my wife and I. But I wasn't happy. I didn't have anything that was for me. I was essentially dead. I just didn't know it. Thankfully, my wife walking out on me was the shot that killed me. God, Yahweh, Allah, Buddha and George W. Bush decided that we were better of divorced. (Just kidding about W. As a christian, he believed we should seek counseling from our local priest.) I wish there was a less painful and much less expensive way to be taught this lesson, but essentially, I was dead at age 29. I was a corpse walking through the motions of life. I pulled back from all of my relationships, and I went to work simply because I couldn't think of anything better to do. (And I had those pesky bills to pay.) I had nothing to spice up my life. I had nothing to strive for. I had no reason to wish for anything better. Notice, I say had. Because I, now, have a dream. I want to be a published author of fiction. It is hard for me to admit that out load. My inner critic reminds me that it is a long shot to get published. For the first time in my life, I don't care. If I give everything that I have in pursuit of this goal and fail, then at least I did not fail myself. I wrote in my first entry that the journey is what is important. In trying to get published, I have a goal. I can set milestones and waypoints on the path to get published. In the end, an agent or publisher will decide if I am worthy or not to get into print. But I will have taken the journey. I will have attempted something that is important to me. I am not accustomed to that...to declare what is important to me. The pursuit of dreams causes a person to become more than he/she already is. This dream is already changing me in small ways. I am not accustomed to saying this is something that I want for me beyond the basic necessities of health, food and shelter. Maybe it is time that I start speaking up more. Maybe it is time to realize that what I want matters, too. I have a dream, again. I have something to strive for, to learn for and to sweat for. I have a big ambitious goal, and I have a new life to work on that dream. I have a new chance to be me. I am Grifter, and I am a writer. For the first time, I am proud of that. Grifter |
| Last night, I had the opportunity to try out some of the suggestions from my post on creative writing. I read on Chuck Palahniuk's, author of Fight Club, website that an author should set a timer for an hour and write the whole time. Unfortunately, mowing the lawn and dishes took more time that I planned. So, I set the timer for a half hour. I started writing, and when the timer dinged what seemed like seconds later, I kept writing. I ended up putting in 45 minutes of writing. I have decided to change things up also. Usually, I work on the computer because I can type faster than I can write. I have been using a notebook and pen lately. I think it is helping because I am slowing down. I am thinking about what I am saying. Plus, I am now writing at the kitchen table instead of my office, and as strange as it sounds, the change of scenery helps. I imagine that it is mental more than real that helps. I, also, don't click over to my favorite websites at the kitchen table. Well, I sat down to write with a purpose. Usually, I have no purpose in writing other than describing what I see in my head, which is 95% of the time fictional imaginative stuff. "Invalid Item"  is a good example of how I usually write. Thinking about the soldiers this weekend, I started thinking about seeing a vet at a grave of his buddy. So, I just wrote the scene as it popped into my head. This is how I write my poetry. The images are the point, I guess.On rare occasions, I write more like "Invalid Item" . This, I sat down and wrote in one sitting. I have changed it a little from the first writing. I am still editing and revising (with comments) at the moment because that is what a writer is supposed to do. Usually, I don't revise these pieces because I love them the way they are. However, I want to try something new with this story.Since moving to the kitchen table, I have started yet another way of writing. I am in the process of writing a long synopsis of a story that is kicking around in my mind. I am essentially summarizing the story before I begin writing!!! It is strange because I have never been able to write from an outline. I, also, get stuck in the middle of the stories that I write with no way to continue. Last night, I wrote the middle to end of my story. I think I have four or six pages of synopsis that I need to go back and flesh out. I am excited about doing this because I have been writing different scenes at different times. I wrote the opening scene after I wrote "Chapter Two." Now, the key to finishing this story will be discipline. I like evie's idea of writing at the same time everyday. I am going to have to give that a shot. I now have a skeleton of a story. It is time to flesh it out. I don't know how long it will be. I would love for it to be novel length, but I would have to add more to the story than is there now. That is what I have learned of writing so far. It isn't much, but I am still learning every day. Everything that I read on here and in life contributes to my education. Now, I am going to try the discipline method of write...write...write. Grifter |
| It is raining outside today, and I slept in accidentally. Ooops. I have to work overtime today so I will be getting home late. Thankfully, they are paying overtime at this job. When I worked for one of the Big Three up in Michigan, I wasn't getting paid overtime. A salaried worker doesn't have the right to overtime. Here, they are paying. Money is tight right now, so I am pinching all those pennies. Thank you to all for your writing advice. I don't know what to write today. My wife was nice to me yesterday, which is harder for me than when she is yelling. I can deal with the yelling. When she is nice, it reminds me of the person she could be. Unfortunately, she isn't that person to me anymore. My cats have decided that a 4:00 am cuddle fest will make this week wonderful for them. Unfortunately, it makes Dad late for work. It is raining outside, which I love. One of my favorite memories is dancing in the rain with an ex-girlfriend of mine. Nothing exciting on today's blog. Maybe tomorrow. |
| I need to learn more about the writing process. When I was at college, I took literature courses rather than creative writing courses. So, I am quite ignorant on how to create stories. Most of the ability to write that I possess comes from reading tons of books. I took two composition courses in college years ago, and I wasn't the best student in those classes. I am reading books about the writing process, and most of them point towards the process of revision. This is a huge weakness of mine. I am a perfectionist, and I fall in love with my work. I try hard to want to revise and revisit, but I usually write and am done. I am working on it, and I am trying to improve in this area. I have received feedback on a lot of my work here at writing.com. I appreciate and enjoy all the feedback that I have gotten. Part of learning how to revise is also learning how to let myself write crap. I write a lot of crap, but I have a hard time with my internal editor to actually let it sit on the page. I work on all the exercises that some of the books say about the internal editor. But I get so bogged down in editing that I never finish the piece. So, I am writing pure junk right now. I am just writing. I have a goal of some much writing per day (not including blogging), and I just write. I try to minimize as much as possible my editorial process. After I get a story put together, then I can go back and revise. I don't really have anything to say in Today's blog, so I thought I would write about my writing issues. Once I get my divorce finalized, and my life straightened out, I am going to sign up for creative writing courses. I am ready to get serious about writing. So, to anyone who has any advice, please, please, send it to me. Advice about any aspect of creative writing from revising to plotting to how washing the dishes inspires creativity. I will practice Bruce Lee's philosophy, take it what is useful and make it my own. Thanks in advance for all the gems that are sure to come my way. Grifter |
| Despair is a warm blanket that I wrap myself in. It is comfortable and safe. It protects me from having to make an effort at life. It makes it easier to give up and not try to be happy. I pull it tight around my life so that I don't have to face adversity. When I make a joke that no one laughs at it, I just pull the comforter a little tighter. I get a bad review or bad grade and pull the blanket tighter. When I miss my opportunity to be nice to someone, the blanket wraps tighter. All the hurt and pain of the world bounce off the blanket. No one can see what I really am. They can just see whatever design that I make that blanket. I find solace and comfort in despair because nothing ever lets me down. I know that I am a failure before I start. So, when I fail, I am not disappointed. I won't find another woman to share my life with, so why smile at the girl looking for the ripest cantaloup? I will never make manager in my office because I am not outgoing. So, why worry about career development? These poisons are so subtle that I don't realize they course through my veins. Despair's bite is so sweet that I feel it as a tender caress by a comfortable blanket. It is a monster that wraps around me to squeeze the life out of me. It pumps my veins full of venom to hide itself. It is hard work to realize that the warm thing that makes me happy is killing me slowly. It is taking the small joys out of my life and turning them into chores. It is taking small setbacks and turning them into obstacles the size of the Great Wall. To free myself from the serpent that I thought was a blanket, I have make an effort to do the small things. I run because someone once told me that I couldn't make the loop around my neighborhood. When I finish that run, I tell myself that I am the only person that limits me. I work more than eight hours because I am good at my job. I chat with a co-worker because talking to people is the only way to get to know them. These things are small but necessary steps to pull the snake off. The love of my family and the help of a therapist keep me strong. Occasionally, it gets the upper hand. Most days I peel it off me just a little bit more. I look at my life a new. Instead of seeing my failures, I remember my accomplishments. The problems that my little, engineer's mind continually tries to fix are easier to let go when they cannot be fixed. Then I write. I write what scares me. I write my political views even though some may think bad of me. I write of my despair even though I have never spoken about it to anyone. I write because it gives me distance to see the monster. I am a character in my life, and every character has their flaws. When I write, I don't have to be perfect. I can be a flawed person who makes mistakes, and I can be a hero who rises from his failures to create successes. I can write or pull the blanket around me. Both cannot be done at the same time. I choose to write. |
| The meat market was full today. The number to get served was running thirty people behind those actually getting their orders filled. Memorial Day weekend is here. All kinds of sales are happening this weekend. I get an extra day off this weekend. Why? This country was born in the blood of soldiers. Men who were fighting for a better life for them and their family. As history has progressed, men and women have join the Armed Forces to keep this dream of a nation alive. From the famous wars to the lesser known ones, brave men and women have given their lives in honor of that dream. I can never truly thank or repay a soldier for the job he/she does. I can only give them appreciation, honor and respect. I will be saying a prayer for those who have served and are still serving. Their sacrifice allows me and my fellow Americans to grill out today, tomorow and Monday. I will remember the fallen who never made it back from battle, and I will say a prayer for them. I am lucky to have the freedoms that I do. I am lucky to be able to come on this website and rant and complain. Veterans and soldiers are responsible for those freedoms. Thank you to all who have served, you made the country a better place. Thank you to all who are still serving, you are appreciated, and we pray for your safety. Thank you to all the families of soldiers, your sacrifice is noble and heroic. |
The original post was replaced the with following rant. I am evil. I found this out last night while watching some television show. I believe that conflict is good for the evolution and growth of mankind. I am not necessarily talking about war and fighting either. But according to the show that I watched last night, conflict is inherently evil. Since most of America seem to get their morals from the boob tube, I must be evil because I believe in conflict. I have been talking with a hippie friend of mine a lot lately, which resulted in yesterday's global warming rant. Yesterday, he told me he was a Pacifist. I told him he was a coward. (Amazingly, the friendship survived.) He told me Gandhi was a pacifist, and I told him he was a liar. Gandhi was non-violent, yes. Non-violent does not mean pacifist, though. To pacify is to placate through any means necessary. Chamberlain was a pacifist, and did Pacifism stop World War II? Today's political philosophy of give the enemy what they want is pacifism. Gandhi was not a pacifist; he was a non-violent revolutionary. He used non-violent means to enact change. He did not give in to his political enemies. He fought for independence in a non-violent manner. That is conflict! How can it be anything else? So, in today's society, I am evil because I believe in conflict and the struggle. I believe in strong national defense and standing up for what is right and wrong. Those who believe as I do are looked down upon as low brow or testosterone junkies. We are not considered members of the educated elite. We are not cultured like those in Europe. Europe is descended from the Greeks and the Romans. Most European elites wish to get back to the High Ideals of the classical world. The classical world was one in which slaves were fed to lions. Wars happened every summer to increase a city-state's lands. The Greeks and the Romans gave us High Culture, plays, philosophy and science. This High Culture only came about through the wealth of these nations. The wealth came about through military might, and the Romans had to force culture on the barbarians that roamed most of Europe. Now, I am not advocating we go to war or create a new manifest destiny. Reason can solve a lot of problems, but reasoning is just one form of conflict. Conflict is essential, though, for progress. Conflict requires imagination to present solution to problems. Ideally, all conflict could be solved by reason. Realistically, humans can be violent, ugly creatures that can only be dealt with through force. It is sad and shameful that we are that way, but we cannot stick our heads in the sand. We cannot ignore that some people only understand the use of force. We are busy ignoring Darfur, and the atrocities that are going on there. We are ignoring Iran's chants of death to America because politically we are becoming pacifists. We are forgetting the lessons that Neville Chamberlain taught the world. Placation is only a delaying device. Conflict is inevitable. To any and all veterans, thank you for your service. Grifter |
| Environmentalism is the new religion of our times. I am not a believer, though. I agree that we need to take care of the environment, but I do not believe the shoddy science behind global warming. This may make me a heathen in the eyes of a lot of people. I am okay with that. Here is how to convince me that global warming is a serious threat. Leadership is the act of directing something...an idea, an organization or one's self. Leadership is best portrayed as a military commander leading his troops into battle. For global warming, those who are pushing this new religion do not act like leaders. Al Gore spends more on electricity for his home in a month than most people do all year. How is that reducing our dependents on fossil fuels? How many Hollywood stars drive their Prius's everywhere? If Robert Kennedy, Jr. believed in the renewable resources mantra, why would he stop a wind farm from going up near his family's home? If a person cannot practice what they preach, why should I listen? No one seems to be able to explain that to me. Instead, the proponents of global warming have to attack me personally when I debate them. This is politics, though, right? Everyone knows that in politics you attack the person not the arguement. Well, what has that gotten us so far? Nothing. America needs to return to a time when you can have a difference of opinion with a person and not hate them. Now, if I am a Republican, I am supposed to hate all Democrats. If I am a Democrat, I am supposed to hate Bush unconditionally. Why? Those are just labels that separate us and keep us from getting to a solution. If Gore and his acolytes really believe that global warming is killing us, than they need to make changes in their personal lives. Buying carbon offsets is not making changes, either. Carbon offsets just allow the rich to buy their way out of feeling guilty for not living up to their own words. The carbon dioxide that Gore's home uses today goes into the atmosphere today. The offset will not take affect for years. This says to me that he does not really believe a problem exists. If he cannot reduce his consumption of fossil fuels, why should I reduce mine? A person's actions speak louder than words, and if people were worried about global warming, it would affect their lives more than just telling others to reduce consumption. I love to debate the environmental faithful because it is amazing how many hypocrites fill that crowd. The people that I have come across in my adventures believe the bad science behind global warming. The models that predict disaster are inherently flawed because nature is such a complex system. However, people buy into the shoddy science. A favorite question to ask a global warming proponent is, "Do you drive above the speed limit?" The answer in my experience has always been yes. The speed limit was created to curb fuel consumption, so since the person believes that we should consume less, shoudn't every cool-aid drinking member of the movement drive the speed limit? Yes!!!!! Air conditioners, also, consume a great amount of fuel; yet, how many enviro - friendly people drive with the A/C on in their car? I do not know whether or not in twenty years the environment will be warmer or cooler (like these same scientists predicted in the seventies). I do not claim to understand the complex workings of mother nature. I have an open mind to learning new things and new points of view. But if you want me to take you seriously, live your words. If you want me to take up arms with you in the fight for the health of our planet, do more than just talk. Do more than just yell at Bush or the Auto industry. Because if you cannot bother to change your own habits, why should I change mine? |
| Thick, shaggy hair sits on my head. If it gets too long, it poofs out like a dandelion that has gone to seed. It isn't blonde like a dandelion; it is more a murky brown. When it is really long, the back of my hair starts to curl naturally. Because of this, I have always kept my hair cut short, and if I didn't get it cut, I would miss out on one of the small pleasures that I secretly enjoy. I love to get my hair cut. I sit in the chair wrapped in the protective bib, and a lady runs her hands through my hair. She trims and clips, and the good ones rub my head enough that I feel as if I am getting a scalp massage. I sit in the chair feeling my head get lighter as each tuft of hair falls to the floor. The stylist and I occasionally make small talk, but I prefer to be silent and exult in my personal piece of heaven. Audio Book Review Christopher Moore's You Suck is a great book. I listened to it on audiobook at work, and it was fantastic as an audio book. The narrator was simply amazing when she came to voicing the characters. The book is a sequel to his earlier work Bloodsucking Fiends. In this book, the main character wakes up to find his girlfriend made him a vampire. But the book is actually a love story between the two vampires. The characters are what make this book great. It is a comedy by any definition of the word. Frozen turkey bowling and a blue skinned hooker make appearances. So, comedy is definitely in store. What makes this book amazing is the character of Abby Normal. She is the human servant of the vampire Flood and his girlfriend Jody, who sired him. Abby is a teenage goth chick, and Moore writes her as the best character in the book. Abby stuck out to me in the Audio Book because the narrator did such a great job with the voice that matched Mr. Moore's writing. Her goth musings were broken up occasionally by typical teenage girl fancies. It was so funny. So, if you are in need of a laugh, I suggest that you pick up You Suck. It was a vampire love story that was quite touching with main characters that are evil undead blood suckers. The comedy in the writing stands out, and in either format, I don't think you will be disappointed. Grifter |
| The first step in learning is admitting I don't know something. When it comes to something that I know nothing about, say speaking French, it is easy to admit that. I do not know a lick of French. But when it comes to structural engineering, that is different. I do not like to admit that there are holes in my knowledge, but let me tell you, there are. I have a Master's degree in Aerospace engineering with a concentration in structures. When I came to work here, I got a lesson in ego crushing. It turns out that all my extensive education really did was teach me the language and show my employer that I can learn. Every day, I am reminded by my superiors and experienced peers that I have so much to learn. It is mentally draining, and at different times, it is emotionally hard when you go months without positive reinforcement that you are doing a decent job. But at least the pay and benefits are nice. The best benefit that I receive is that my company will pay for me to take any class that has college credit associated with it. I don't have to pay a dime if I keep it under the federally taxable limit. I have used this twice already. I have a certificate in Project Management that will go to waste. Last semester, I took a class in war and leadership in ancient greece and rome. It was fascinating, but lacking in the education on leadership in my opinion. So, I am going to take classes this fall. I was going to start my M.B.A., but I don't know that I am ready to commit to a three year program that takes up most of my time during the week. There is a fiction writing class that is three hours a night on Monday from 6:45 to 9:45. Since I have to wake up at 5:00 to get to work, this doesn't seem good to me. I love my sleep. I saw a course in journalism. It is an introduction to reporting and interviewing. It is a class based on writing, and I thought this would help my blog. I love writing this blog, but I tend to be long winded. Journalism is the art of as much information in as small a place as possible. So, it could help. Plus, I can work on my interviewing skills to liven up the blog when I get boring. I am also thinking of taking a class on learning French. I have always wanted to speak a foreign language, and French is one of the easiest to learn. I will travel to France someday to bask in the artwork at the Louvre and to visit the World War I and II memorials. So, learning French should help. I do believe that I am prepared for my trip to England. I have been speaking American English all my life, and the Brits should be able to understand me! ;) There is so much knowledge in the world that I get overwhelmed into what I can actually learn. I have little patience, so I want to know everything now. And with my broad interests, I have so much I want to learn. So, I have narrowed down four areas of my life that I want to improve through an upgrade to my education. They are career, writing, fitness and culture. The M.B.A. would help with my career, and the journalism would cover my writing. The yoga class that I plan to sign up for will help my fitness, and the French will step me towards culture. It is also important to recognize the lessons that life gives me everyday. The feel of the earth in my hands is happiness. The purring of my cat is relaxing, and the rewards of a job well done is in doing it. My grandmother told me that I should always strive to learn one thing per day. She told me when you stop learning, you might as well be dead. * * * Woo-hoo!!! I just got an e-mail from my wife. She is not going to take the cats away from me. She told me that I could keep them. I am so happy. These two little, purring heartbeats have become my children, and they have helped me get through this rough time in my life. I really hope that she follows through on this statement. I am so happy right now. I am so happy. Grifter |
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