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This is my blog. I just went through a divorce; it was the worst thing that has yet to happen to me. This is me dealing with it and life. It's my blog; I write about what I want. I hope you enjoy. ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** The above was me about three years ago. It is the most up to date digital photo I have.
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| Again, I don’t have much to say today, so I will list my favorite pick up lines that have failed spectacularly…or so I have heard: Is it hot in here, or is it just you? Let’s play Star Trek, baby; take off your clothes, and I will go where no man has gone before. Can I borrow a quarter? I have to call and tell Mom I met the woman of my dreams. If beauty were a tree, you would be a forest. Wanna go halves on a bastard? Nice shoes, wanna make out? If I told you that you had a great body, would you hold it against me? Is it cold outside, or are you smuggling tic tacs? Let’s do some Math: Subtract our clothes, add a bed, divide your legs and multiply. Should I call you for breakfast tomorrow, or nudge you? And last but not least: I often confuse the meanings of conversation and sex. So, you wanna go back to my place and talk? I have never used any of these lines on a stranger. They work well on girls that I have been dating for a while because it makes them laugh. Of course, they are disgusted, too, but humor is more important than self esteem. I have more, but they are fit for public eyes. Have a great day. Grifter Courage doesn't roar. It's that quiet voice at the end of the day that whispers, "I will begin again, tomorrow." |
I cannot think of anything to say, today. I am at work, working hard. I cannot think of anything worth writing. I had a White Castle slider today for breakfast. One of the guys leaving the group brought them in for us. It was yummy! Nothing like a grease soaked bun in the morning to start the day off right. I will have to walk a half hour extra tonight to make up for it.  Grifter |
| Well, lately, I have been posting negatively. I try not to be a negative person because life is too hard to focus only on the bad. However, not much is going right at the moment; so rather than write about my life now, I would like to tell a story. It is a good memory that I love. It is the best kiss that I have ever had. I went to a school that was mostly engineers. It was an engineering school primarily. The mechanical engineering student population was larger than the entire liberal arts student population. So, it was a male dominated population. During my undergraduate life, four guys for every gal was the ratio of the sexes. So, dating was tough. It was a competition (wink, bugzy is baaaccck!!   ). Some gals left town on the weekends to visit their boyfriends. The other gals had boyfriends on campus, and the single ones had eight to ten guys attempting to woo them with alcohol, dinner and homework help.At the beginning of my senior year, I had just come out of a bad five year on – off relationship. This gal tried to trap me into a co-dependent marriage that would have driven me to the madhouse by now. She broke up with me because of a girl in one of my classes, and for some reason, I decided this was the last time we would break up. We were done. I knew the chances of finding a new gal at school were slim, so I set out to live as a single boy in a nerd’s world. The woman that caused the break up was one of, if not the, most beautiful women on campus. Most of the men I knew agreed on this fact. She was constantly being hit on, and if she was unscrupulous, she would never have to buy another beer. She had the body of a model, and her smile caused many a neck to experience whiplash from double takes. In other words, she was way out of my league. We had class with a mutual friend. That class was analysis of vibrations, known to students as vibrations. Those with dirty minds, I will pause so you can snicker. Believe me, we did. If there had been a laboratory portion of the class, I would have been kicked out of the university. The three of us made a date to be study partners. At the first session, the mutual friend had to take his gal to the emergency room, so it was just us. We hit it off. She was funny, intelligent, self deprecating and just an all around good person. I knew without a doubt that before she graduated at the end of the semester, we would be dating. So, I relaxed and was just my goofy, old self. Why did I have to win her over if I knew we would be dating? We had a weekly study meeting that caused the end of a relationship. After a month of classes, the study session moved to twice weekly, once a week at her place, once per week at the co-op I lived in. Then, we started hanging out socially. One night, she was up playing foosball with me at the co-op. As we were walking out, she made a comment. Now, for a smart ass like me, this statement was equivalent of a hung curveball in front of Babe Ruth. My comeback was a rocket out of the park. When she said it, I mentally started drooling. I knew this was a homerun. She said, “My bed is going to be so cold when I get there. I wish there was a way to warm it up.” This was my pitch; I knew this was headed out of the stadium. She was not flirting; she was just talking out loud. So, I replied, “Give me ten minutes, and I will get it warm for you. Half a second to get naked, 9 minutes 59 and half seconds to roll around and warm it up before you jump in with me.” It’s going, going, gone! The crowd goes wild. She gave me a rueful smile and replied, “There is no way, you are going to be in my bed.” Oh no, back to back pitching mistake? Yes, yes! “Not yet, anyways,” I said. Crack! The ball is headed into orbit. I knew there was no way she would hang another curveball, so I hugged her goodbye. Then, a couple weeks later, I was at her apartment hanging with her lesbian roommate, when the unthinkable happened. She strolled in with Adonis. This guy was so hot, I checked out his ass. They were on their way to dinner. Poor Grifter was heartbroken. You could hear the chorus of women going, “AAAAhhhhhhhh.” It was all for naught. All my flirting and funny comments wasted on a gal that prefers brawn to brain. So, I slipped back into friend mode and flirted as I do with all my femme friends. I hit on other gals at parties, and I had a great time. We kept our study dates, and we slowed down hanging out. It was great getting to know her, but I couldn’t shake the feeling that she and I would be dating before the end of the semester. Well, we were studying late before mid-terms, and she wanted to get food. We went for Mexican. While waiting for our food, we played the hand slap game. I was happy and oblivious to what was going on. We flirted and talked about the movie American Beauty. We both loved it. As we finished dinner, we headed to her car. When we got there, she looked at me. She had this confused look on her beautiful face. “Are you ever going to kiss me?” So, I kissed her. I couldn’t believe it. That question was the best thing of that semester. We spent a passionate week together that we parlayed into a month and a half long semi – passionate relationship. I learned from her that I could fall in love fast. I did love her, but it would never have been the love that could lead to marriage or any of that. So, we split when she graduated, but I will always remember her. It was one hell of a wild, passionate time. I haven’t seen her in 6 or 7 years. But her beauty will never leave my mind or heart. Grifter Courage doesn't roar. It's that quiet voice at the end of the day that whispers, "I will begin again, tomorrow." |
| Before I begin, thanks for all the uplifting words. They meant a lot. Sometimes, a person makes a mistake so big that it affects how they perceive themselves and the world. It is a mistake that may seem small or even meaningless to other people, but the affect it has on the person is profound. This weekend, I made a mistake like that. No, I didn't do anything illegal, immoral or harmful to anyone else. Nothing that would seem too bad to anyone, but it was a mistake. And, no, I won't go into detail. The mistake was that I spent a lot of money this weekend. Way, way more than I should have because of three pretty, smiling faces. Nothing happened with any of them, but the amount of money that I spent this weekend on those smiles makes me feel as if I am going through divorce again. Saturday night was a great night until I started checking receipts on Sunday morning. I went so far overboard that my bank called to see if I actually spent that money or if someone robbed me. I know it doesn't seem like much, but I have been saving up for a skillet with a lid. That is right, I have been saving for a skillet with a lid because between my divorce and trying to keep up with the house, money has been tighter and thinner than Paris Hilton's bathing suit. So, I went out, had too much to drink, spent more money than I can justify and woke up alone. Well, at least that last one ended the right way. Why does this matter? Because I just exploded from all the crap that last week through on me, I had fun. I had way, way too much fun. Now, I have no skillet, I can't afford gas for work tomorrow without the Credit Card and I have no one to blame!!!! I did it to myself; I said F it! Let's live it up. Let's do something so stupid. So, I had a ton of fun, and all I lost was money. I can make more money right? Of course, I can. However, I have a problem, like most Americans, with credit cards. I put money on there, and then I put more money on there. I lose track of the amount that I put on Credit Cards. I am very, very bad about that. I don't even take cards with me when I go out. (Saturday night, I took out my debit card, which was a huge mistake.) Now, I have put myself in a position where I may have to use the cards again. This is so disappointing. My wife and I had huge fights over credit cards, and while we are waiting for the divorce to finalize, she has been using cards while I haven't. It has been great because I have shown that she was wrong. I can control my spending. I didn't this weekend, and I just let myself down. It happened, and I have made peace with it (even though I am disappointed). But it led to another, much more depressing realization. I was much more financially free when I was in college. Now, I make five to six times my college salary, and I have spent my way into debtsville. A new car, three new houses, a wife, a divorce and credit card debt have put me into an untenable situation. And really, what do I have to show for it? A nice house, two nice rentals that I am losing, a nice car that I love and no savings! It is my fault, so please don't send sympathies or anything. I made my bed, and now, that I don't like lying in it, I cannot change it. I was making changes. I had a savings, and I had really put the brakes on my out of control spending. (Books are still my weakness, though.) Then, in one night, I blow all of my work. Sure, it wasn't a huge amount in the first place, but I worked my ass off to get it. Then, I throw it all away, when I could have had just as good a time on a third of that amount. It scares me that I spend money like this. So, over the next month, I am taking some measures to ensure that I avoid spending like that, again. First, my forays into St. Louis social scene will be held to birthdays, weddings and funerals until I have enough savings built up to pay my final lawyer's bill, which hopefully will come at the end of the month. (Freedom is so close.) Second, I will work even more overtime to make up for the amount that I wasted. At least, I don't have to get a second job, I can work OT here. I am very disappointed in myself because I took away four months of positive self improvement. So, I will start over and remember this lesson, so that I don't make the same mistake, next time. The world outside is kicking me enough right now, I don't need to help. Grifter |
| Last week was torture; between being sick, visiting my lawyer and work, I was sure that I had fallen into Hades. Then on Friday, a ray of hope shown through that I would be out of hell, today. Instead, it was just another trick to give me hope so that it could be crushed. Hell week continues and I can think of nothing to blog about that won't sound whiny, selfish and negative. So, I choose not to blog. Read something happy; don't worry about me, I will find my way through Inferno back to Purgatorio before I know it. Grifter |
| In middle and high school, I played basketball and baseball. During the summers, I played in sports leagues; in college, I trained in sports martial arts (submission wrestling, MMA, etc.). I belonged to an intramural sports team that won more than lost. I have benefited beyond belief from my competitive times. It has given me increased confidence, and the social benefits are immeasurable. Winning brought about a feeling of euphoria; losing brought about a compulsion to improve. Everything that I am and have today is because of my competitive spirit. However, my time in sports did not teach me the benefits of competition until my sophomore year of high school. I began coaching younger kids in the grade school intramural basketball league. I started off coaching fourth or fifth graders. The first thing I noticed was that all kids participated. The talented ones who could make shots in the ten foot hoops and the ones who could only dribble with drool running out of their mouths all tried out. We put the kids through training camps, and privately, the high school coaches marked the kids as talented and not so talented. We then made teams, putting together the talented and not so talented. The rules were that everyone got equal play time. If after a win, anyone caught bragging or making fun of another team would sit out the next game. (We were a small town, so the few incidents of bragging did get back to us.) My team lost more than they won, and the kids learned that losing makes you feel sad. However, as my team practiced and improved, they began winning more games. I had two stars that I rarely put in the game at the same time. These kids were dribbling with their weak hand already. That was a big thing for the kids. During the first few games, the stars, who knew they were better than the rest of the team, would do all the shooting and dribbling. It was about halfway through the second game that one of the stars noticed the team did better when they both sat the bench. This was impressive because these two kids had parents that instilled a sense of superiority in the boys that my constant nagging about teamwork could not penetrate. However, the one boy (let’s call him Jack) noticed that the team scored a lot more when he and the other good player were out of the game. He asked me why. He noticed but he couldn’t see the reason. Teamwork I told him. One person cannot do all the dribbling and all the shooting. It took two more games for the constant harping about passing the ball for it to work. These two ‘stars’ learned something that I am proud of to this day. They thought that an assist is better than a score. They were passing the ball to kids who at the beginning of the season sat on the offensive side of the court; then, these so called talented kids were yelling at the so-called not so talented kids to shoot the ball. The kids started having more fun, and the games became more enjoyable. However, we didn’t win all that much. We had a win or two before heading into the final game of the league. We were playing an undefeated team with the school’s star at that grade level. My team passed and worked together. The undefeated team only saw the start dribble and shoot. The coach never took him out either. We won that game by four points, which for that level was a landslide. The school’s star, actually, broke down and cried. It was the first time he had lost anything, and he couldn’t handle it. Some on my team started to make fun of him, but a quick reminder of what losing felt like from me, stopped them. My team told him good game, and that he did really well. He didn’t care, but I was proud of my team. It was teamwork that beat the undefeated team, and they learned so much. The ‘stars’ of my team were talking with people that they ignored at the beginning of the season. They were awed that even though they were both very talented, they couldn’t win by themselves. The less talented were awed that the ‘stars’ were telling them to shoot the ball by the end of the season. The kids learned that losing wasn’t all that bad because we experienced it a lot. I found one good thing about the game to say to each kid after a loss. My kids were sad at losing, but they got over it quickly, like before they left the gym. They learned that whether you could dribble with your left hand or not doesn’t mean you can win all alone. The talented learned that helping those with less ability than they improved everyone. Shy kids talked; loudmouths listened. It was a great experience that I participated in three years of my high school, and the lessons were learned each time. Teamwork was better than winning because, well, they were kids. After a loss, the team clown would make a fart noise and, low and behold, the team was laughing again. Grifter Courage doesn't roar. It's that quiet voice at the end of the day that whispers, "I will begin again, tomorrow." |
Wow, this has stirred more comments than any other thing I have done. I am putting the finishing polishes on my rebuttal right now, so tonight or early tomorrow the post will be up. Work, my health and my divorce have decided to shred me the past two days, so I have put off my obligation to the blogverse by not writing my article on time. I have no excuses, so I apologize. And I gave blood this morning, so I am still a little woozy. I don't remember there being Pink Elephants in the office, but hey, diversity rocks!!!!  See you tomorrow (or later tonight). Grifter Courage doesn't roar. It's that quiet voice at the end of the day that whispers, "I will begin again, tomorrow." |
| Blogging has been a great experience for me. I have met a lot of individuals that I might not normally come across in my life because, well I am very shy. I have met Texans, Vegans and comedians. The blogs that I read daily are always interesting and informative. They show people living, which expands my Midwestern brain. I am amazed at how reading other people's blogs sparks ideas of creativity in the idea center. It is as if Bloggville here cleaned out the cobwebs in my cranium. In the past I have wrote pieces, usually comedy, based on snippets of others blogs. (See "Invalid Entry"  about my rules based on entries saying something about rules from Nada , David McClain & bugzy is baaaccck!! ) Mostly, I read something and reality falls into what if mode? What if I could get my cat into the Senate? And how could I not with the great slogan that sweett created for my darling Nelly.Then, at other times, I write about serious crap that falls out of my ears on the keyboard somehow. I wrote that I enjoy a good debate, and bugzy is baaaccck!! piqued that interest with a small comment about non-competitiveness. I asked her to write about her views regarding competition and how the lack thereof is better than having it present. I have to say that upon throwing down my glove in challenge, she quickly picked up that glove and bitch-slapped me with it. My jaw is still hurting from that oh-so-sweet intellectual jab. "Invalid Entry" is a great read because it states through real life examples, not abstractions, how her philosophy improves the lives of kids. Well, she has given me an opening statement to the debate that is impressive and well thought out.So, now, I actually have to get off my lazy ass and put something together that is worthy of a reply. This is not it. Tomorrow I intend to quit my job and devote myself full-time to thwarting bugzy is baaaccck!! 's evil plans to control our world through..."Love and peace." Yeck, I think threw up a little just typing those words. In all honesty, though, she has wrote a wonderful entry that is worth reading, whether or not you agree with her philosophy. I asked her to write it because no one has ever articulated the non-competitive theory of life beyond the phrase, "Losing makes me sad." I suggest hoping over and taking a peep at her blog because she articulated it in a wonderful fashion that we have come to expect out of her. And, yes, I am stalling for time.Grifter Courage doesn't roar. It's that quiet voice at the end of the day that whispers, "I will begin again, tomorrow." |
| I have been learning about leadership for a while now. Thank Mr. Guiliani and his book for that. His book was about leading from the front, hiring the right people and making decisions. The place that I work for has a philosophy of leading at all levels. This is irritating for people like me who are underneath all those layers. I am a pay grade one. Who am I going to lead? The biggest decision that I have to make is salad or hamburger for lunch. Do I use Times New Roman for this e-mail or Courier? However, yesterday, I learned an important lesson about leadership. Work is frustrating because it seems we are going nowhere. Morale is low because it seems as if we are changing direction every couple of weeks. However, a colleague of mine was really stressed. She is a grade one, also. This is her first job out of college. She said that she felt like quitting, yesterday. She has a deadline that is coming up on Tuesday, and she won't be able to meet it. It isn't her fault. It takes a week to analyze a part, and she just got new loads Friday. So, she is understably stressing. Also, in her opinion, she has to earn respect. We work with a lot of older, male engineers. She is a young gal, attractive both physically and personality-wise. So, she doesn't believe that the older engineers take her seriously because she is a young girl. They don't. I don't know if it is because she is a woman or not, but they don't really respect me either. It seems that you have to work there for about 5 years before you earn respect. We work with people who have been doing their jobs for 15 - 20 years, and we have 1.5 - 2 years experience. It is going to take time to earn their respect. However, she believes that she isn't earning their respect for whatever reason. She was really down. However, I just said the truth. I told her that she is earning respect. She does damn good work, and she created a spreadsheet that is hard to learn but would save everyone a lot of time. It got bashed left and right, but it is was easier than having to do it by hand. The group that I work with does not provide feedback. Well, they do not provide positive feedback. So, my few words made her feel a little better. Hopefully, she won't quit because that would be a huge loss to the company. But the lesson was that no matter where you are on pile...top or underneath it all, telling someone that they do a good job is important. Granted, it may not mean as much as if the CEO told her that she was performing well, but it is a nice thing to do. Why is this such a big revelation? I have no idea. Being nice to people is something that I strive for, but at work, I guess I get so wrapped up in my own projects and pressures that I forget to tell people good work. I, like a lot of new employees, expect positive feedback and the "good work" pat on the back to come from up above. Maybe it should come from wherever. Maybe that is the way to be a leader, by letting people know that they are appreciated. Grifter Courage doesn't roar. It's that quiet voice at the end of the day that whispers, "I will begin again, tomorrow." |
| Yesterday, could only have been worse if strangers randomly kicked me in the pants throughout the day. I had the day off to visit my lawyer to get near an end to this divorce. Well, on the way to the lawyer's office, I found out a friend of the family died. I had plans with my wife to go to dinner and a movie Friday night to show no hard feelings. So, I called to reschedule our plans. Well, we started talking about the lawyer and got into a huge fight because I won't sign away my rights to one of our properties until she signs her rights away to another one. So, now, I talk to the lawyer, and he is drawing up a settlement because my wife and I agreed on the terms of the settlement. So, I could be divorced by the end of August! Yay! After calling my wife again to tell her that the settlement is moving as fast as possible so she can get her properties, she gets mad. She wants me to sign the quit claim deed now because she thinks that I told her I would. I said I would sign it if and only if we had a legally binding agreement that she cannot come after my property. So, now she is saying that she may reject this agreement and start negotiating a new one that would benefit her more. I told her that if she rejects this agreement that I will not be able to trust her in any future agreements so I will reject any offer out of hand and take my chances in court. So, my whole afternoon was frustrated because my freedom might be snatched away from me. The only thing that got me through that afternoon was looking forward to going to the bar and flirting with hot, red-headed bartender. I was going to meet a friend for work at about 8 o'clock. So, I went to the bar. Red wasn't there. She must have been warned that I was coming because she wasn't there. My friend stood me up, too. So, I grabbed a cafe mocha from the local coffee shop and went home to pack for the funeral. Then my friend calls me at 11 wondering why I am not at the bar! Hmmm, you're three hours late and mad at me! WTF? So, yesterday sucked. Thank God, I am back at work and can focus on beam bending and shear flow as opposed to anything that has to do with my life. Grifter Courage doesn't roar. It's that quiet voice at the end of the day that whispers, "I will begin again, tomorrow." |
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