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 |  probably stuff i think is funny. or aggravating. or both. |
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| i am empty inside, i tell myself. but really, i am ashamed. i lie in bed, feel the expanse of my soft belly, and i hate myself. i eat alone, because i don't have to think about what the other person sees, as i chew. when i'm with P, i try to cover myself, because i'm afraid i'll see in his eyes the same sentiment i feel when i look at myself. i am weak. selfish. childish. the only time i don't feel the weight of this shame is when i sleep. but then i wake up. i always wake up. i dislike taking showers, because i have to look at myself. when i leave the house, knowing i have to face the world, i try to tell myself i'm not hideous. i'm not that big. but inside, i'm hoping no one will notice me that day. seems silly, and overwrought, i know. and when i'm having a confident day, it seems silly to me, too. many people on this planet have harder lives, suffer greater pain and loneliness. i am lucky in so many ways. but i feel as if i have no control over myself. and that's frightening. the more i dwell on the weight, the more determined i feel to change, the worse i treat myself. the larger i become. do i hate myself? can i hate myself without knowing it? why would i punish myself for being fat by making myself fatter? i can't say i'm unaware of what i'm doing. i watch myself do it, make the decisions which keep me on this path. but i'm not stopping. i feel so much better, physically and about myself, when i eat healthy food, when i exercise. i feel sexy. but here i am. i can't think i'm lazy. at least, that can't be the entire story. why do i stop myself from being happy? |
| well, this has never happened before. i've got freakin' 45 emails waiting for responses. i don't know how many emails you guys get, but i'm not accustomed to this sort of social activity. i don't know if i can sustain the necessary wit & charm to...aw, who am i kidding? we all know my dog answers me emails for me. c'mere, daisygirl. there ya go. ahhh...time for a refreshing beverage. it's tax day, but that's not very exciting. kurt vonnegut died earlier this week, but i didn't know him or his writing very well. my friends tell me he was one of their favorites, so there's another set of books waiting for me. ooh, i'm getting a free massage today! now, before you say anything. i did not find this person in a newspaper ad, or with a 900 #. their name wasn't whispered to me in a back alley, and there's no illicit drug use involved. but, i do need to get going pretty soon....free massage & all.  looking forward to getting the kinks out! god, but i'm getting old. |
| i have to tell you, i came home from work all ass-kicked, had to rub aspercreme on a few choice body parts...man, i was whooped. and i open my wdc email, thinking i'll take a quick peep unto my peeps....and look what i found!!!!
I've been selected as a WDC Rising Star!! this is me right now:  this is what they said: "I hope this will come as exciting news ! Twice each month we at "Celebrate W. Com's Rising Stars" Project select talented emerging writers to showcase and reward. This project was founded out of a belief that there is exceptional untapped talent like you in the world of black suitcases. We're so pleased to share that you've been chosen as one of W.Com's mosttalented RisingStars. You were selected by the author listed below who will serve as your sponsor. Here's what you can expect 1) For a period of 2 weeks, your sponsor will advertise your portfolio by posting a link to it next to his/her "Who's Online" listing to help increase exposure for your portfolio. (Click on "Who's Online" on the banner at the top of your W.Com page). 2) You will also receive an awardicon (a red ribbon) to be placed on a piece of writing in your portfolio. Your sponsor selected this piece with our support. Celebrate With Your Sponsor! 3) We're happy to include one more small gift of 2,000 gift points. Please use a portion of this gift toward the purchase of a C-Note to thank your sponsor for making all of this possible. (C-notes are available by clicking on the C-note listing on the W.Com banner at the top of this page). I've visited your portfolio and thoroughly enjoyed reading your writing ! It's a great pleasure to be able to share this modest award with you. I hope you enjoy it, and it gives you a wonderful boost. If you have questions, don't hesitate to get in touch. I'll get back to you quickly. Congratulations and warmest best to you. Gabriella " i hadn't heard of this group before, but how special, that they contribute their time to getting recognition for other authors, and to rewarding them, as well.  i'm floating, i tell ya. i'm still bushwhacked, but now i'll have giddy dreams. whee!! g'nite, y'all. |
| i love friday the 13ths--so much expectation in the air. what is it....? the tongue-in-cheek aspect to it all. that's what i love. it's a bit like halloween. just not as much. i just got a terribly cute ecard from spun2sugar, celebrating today! i love it! thank you, sugar--you made my day. i've got plans after work today, so i may not make it back tonight. if i don't, here's to a day of luck (may yours be good). |
my sweet lord. hurry up and unpack, pencilsoverpens  !anyhoo, how's everyone? good, good. glad to hear it. hey, guess what? john cleese came in my store today!!!! yes!! THAT john cleese!! i spent a lot of the time keeping the employees from peeping at him & following him around the store, but a few slipped through. he seemed friendly, and understanding about it. nice man. verrry tall. lessee, what else? oh, this was funny. i was moaning & pissing to ramona about how i can't write stories, how tortured i am, how difficult writing is, blah blah blah... and she says, 'i have a solution!' i'm all excited, 'let's hear it!' she says, 'write a story! that'll fix everything.' yep. that about sums it up. so here i am, off to work on one of my stories. (gotta go to the grocer first, but right after that, i'm on it. i'm serious. i am!) have a great evening, everyone. |
| i don't know what reminded me of this--probably dragonfly~guess who's back? 's blog today about embarrassing incidents--but i have this memory of something from my childhood. it was afternoon, and i'd just finished watching 'ultraman' (http://imdb.com/title/tt0068145/). best show EVER. i was probably about 4 or so. i'd been settled in front of the tv for awhile, and decided, 'it's a lovely afternoon. i should like to go for a stroll.' (because i talked like that, as a child.) i put on my shoes, and took off around the neighborhood. i was feeling good, feeling confident. so confident, in fact, that i actually waved at the older, popular girl who lived in the same subdivision. she waved back, but kind of frowned at me. but i didn't let that bother me. i was having a great day. i kept along, swinging my arms, humming a little tune, when all of a sudden, my older brother runs up behind me and demands, 'what the heck are you doing??!!' i quickly took inventory. i wasn't playing in the ditch, putting rocks in my mouth, or offering to wash the neighbors' cars. none of the forbidden activities to which i was prone. what was the problem? 'what?' i asked my brother. he pointed. i wasn't wearing any pants. yep. shirt: check. shoes: check. pants....whoops. |
| what genre doesn't come naturally to you, writing-wise? what about poetry? i took some creative writing classes back in school, dabbled in poetry, spent most of my time in one genre or another. style-wise, i think i do best with a blend. life is a blend of comedy, drama, horror, mystery...i suppose that's why using the same elements in writing makes the most sense to me. i'd like to try a western. that could be fun. i think i'm good at injecting comedy into most situations, but i try to keep the overlying tension going. that's my goal, anyway. but what about you? what are your strengths, do you think? and your weaker aspects? maybe i'll try this as a poll, but in the meantime, i'm curious about you guys. |
| liberal. conservative. progressive. traditional. democrat. republican. i remember someone telling me (probably my dad) that young people are generally liberal, and become conservative as they age. progressive is about risk. taking chances. idealism. makes sense. when you're young, you're ready to take on the world. all piss & vinegar. things can be changed for the better. conservative is about preserving the status quo. tradition. rules. there's value in both sides, both sets of values. and just like spiritual belief, these perspectives, by themselves, have no specific morality attached. the people doing the believing make the beliefs tangible. put them to action. i've never been comfortable with labels. with compartmentalizing people by what makes others uncomfortable, by what others can observe. i'm sure we all have friends and family (maybe ourselves) who have been hurt by this kind of social segregation. jews, christians, atheists, latinos, blacks, asians, gays, lesbians, virgins, old folks, teenagers, romance novel enthusiasts...the list goes on. and some of the people who by rights should be the most inclusive, and slowest to judge (you would think, due to their own history of suffering persecution) are ones who set arbitrary rules by which they and those like them should live. so they believe. an example. a friend of mine, a bisexual woman, was often insulted by lesbians when she went to her favorite gay club because she looked 'too feminine'. she wore the trappings of a straight woman, and these particular lesbians took offense. this may be an isolated occurrence, i don't know. my sister lives a long ways away, in a different city, so she probably has a different experience. but then, my sister also appears to fit more closely the 'accepted' image of the modern lesbian. which i can understand. she gains a huge support network, by 'belonging'. my sister has many qualities. she's witty, warm-hearted, forgiving, beautiful, philosophical, loves animals, brave, and capable. and many other things, as well. she's gay, too. but i probably wouldn't mention this right off the bat, when introducing her to a new acquaintance. it's kind of personal, yo. but like the rest of us, who cultivate a particular image to present to the world (mine happens to be: 'nondescript'), we send messages about who we are by how we look and act. i'm sure at least some of these are intentional. so, to get back to the whole liberal/conservative thing. we make assumptions all the time about people around us. some we know, some we just see on the street. age, color, gender, clothes, hair, stance, eye contact. and when we talk to someone, we can just as easily make assumptions about their beliefs based on certain cues we've learned to associate with a mindset. when you hear the descriptor, 'illegal alien', you could make a judgement about that person's opinion based on inflection, alone. you may or may not be correct. what we've got to learn to do again is to actually communicate with each other. we need to listen, to ask questions, to try to understand others' points of view without assigning our own prejudices. this instant and convenient labelling thing we've got going on, this isn't helping. it's easier, sure. our brains like that sort of shortcut. but we've gotta start making an effort to understand our neighbors, ourselves, if we're going to have any hope of overcoming bullshit like racism (and the other -isms, as well), political spin, radical extremists (on both ends of the spectrum), and those who do not like buffy. surely, everyone loves buffy. deep down inside. i'm positive that must be a misunderstanding of gargantuan proportion. so sue me, i'm an idealist. |
| "Blog about your life, your dreams, your ambitions, your weaknesses and document your most creative thoughts. Plant the kind of seeds that nuture your writing life." i got this from
well, here it is. blogging could actually help me be a better writer? (notice i said "better", not "bitter".) hm. hell, i'll give that a shot. i haven't forgotten about my friend profiles. i realize they may not be so exciting for people who don't know my friends out here in the 'real' world, but describing my friends without embellishment (or plain making stuff up) is an exercise in doing something different for me. and i've also decided i need to become more relaxed. more relaxed, and less fearful. i'm scared of so much, i don't even try new things anymore. that's no fun. no more! from now on, you'll hear my Cape of Adventure' flapping in the brisk wind! i might even leave the house. Happy Egg Day, y'all!! may you gorge on chocolate, and dangle easter basket grass from your hair. and if you're of the christian bent, have a most spiritually uplifting day. love and peace. |
| eet ees early, and i have but a few minutes to scratch something down before work. (remember when we used to actually 'scratch things down'? heh.) must steel my spine against those bafflingly surly customers...why, whenever there's a national holiday, people need to go shopping & act like buttholes? i's be happy, if i could take a day off & browse my favorite stores...these people act like we shoved their chocolate bunnies up their bums or something. here's hoping i meet some friendly people, today. (fingers crossed.) random thoughts: *i wonder if we'll look back on this first decade of the 21st century in 30 years or so & marvel at how naive, how fresh we were. much like we look back on the '70s, now. i mean, just look at the hair. the hair alone, man. *i love pistachio nuts. *i wonder if a baby harp seal's getting clubbed/spiked to death right now, somewhere. yeah, probably. *why do those little chinese rice crackers all look so different, but taste so much like each other? i gotta say, it's a bit of a disappointment. every time i open the bag, i'm hoping it'll be a taste explosion, but no. no. they sure are pretty, tho. well, you're probably sitting there with an eyebrow quirked, asking, 'is that it? get that woman some coffee! pronto!' have a good day, y'all--if i don't see you before tomorrow, and you observe these things, have a bunnyful easter!! eat some ears for me. |
| you know those days. the ones after having gotten not a lick of sleep? i don't know how many sleep licks i need, but i can tell you, i need at least a few. i've been alternating between loopy and pissy all day. even more than usual! the loopy times are pretty fun, i have to admit. but now, my eyeballs are beginning to throb. may not be able to hang in very long tonight. first, i must eat a burrito. then, i shall return. priorities, people. hope you're having a day more loopy than pissy! |
| i'm taking a wee break from friend profiles tonight. oh, don't worry. i do have more friends. and they're not even imaginary. there may be restraining orders involved, but my friends, they are real. oh, yes. anyhoo, my brain's all tapped out for now. i could use a massage. a brain massage. oooh, that'd be weird. i came across a website, www.stopthesealhunt.org, which is trying to get more people involved in halting the brutal and unnecessary practice of clubbing baby seals. sorry to say, sanctioned--nay, promoted--by the canadian government. people, i thought we covered this already. back in the 70s!!! wtf?? please, take a moment, won't you? check it out. the latest 'harvest' just started, and they're already an estimated 11,000 pups into it. it's one thing to not feel especially motivated to contribute yer hard-earned dough to a politician's campaign. this is something else, altogether. baby seals, people!!! they don't want your money. they need you to stand up and say something with yer spending dollar. i don't have the funds to boat to the ice floes and defend seal pups with tooth and fang, but i can do this. please, take a moment to sign the petition. read the literature. think about boycotting seafood from canada. cause this is just crazy. |
| (here, let me take an aspirin. i'll be back in about ten minutes. unless my brain squeezes out my ears. then, it might be twenty. ah. much bettah. soup is good food. so, where were we? oh, yeah. my friends.) tonight, i'd like to tell you about michael. michael is, and i mean this in the best possible way, enigmatic. he is literally brilliant, has decades of verry interesting life experience to which he can refer, has a freaking hilarious sense of humor, and is master of the sympathetic listen. he will hear you, your frustration or anguish, and find a way to tell you exactly what you need to hear. you may not even realize you needed to hear that, and he'll tell it to you, anyway. he's that good. as a result, he tends to attract...disciples. best way i can put it. he's private, never really allowing others to share what friends usually share. but i never doubt he's my friend. that he cares, that he understands. and that he's damned entertaining to talk to. he's gotten me through some truly upsetting moments. he's a performer. his empathic skills include choosing a public persona most likely to suit the current situation. he has years of experience in the theatah. and writing screenplays & stage plays. and he also does impressions. his christopher walken kicks ass. he's creative, idealistic, and a fun dance partner. he also gets pissed off and throws stuff around, which only makes me feel better. at least he's human, you see. i can only hope to one day have a smidge of his artistic skill, although i know for sure my christopher walken will never match his. |
| i'm a wdc toddler!! today marks my first anniversary here. what is that, the paper anniversary? appropriate and ironic, both. me likey. i'm glad i found this place, and have remained excited & involved (as i ever get). if anything, i'm slowly getting more entrenched. i've recently joined a campfire (so recently, my turn hasn't come around yet). i'm stepping up the blogging. while i haven't actually sat down to edit/complete my existing stories, i've been thinking about them constantly. with me, that's akin to labor pains quickening to a few minutes apart. eventually, the pressure will have me shooting my spawn across the room. figuratively speaking, of course. and i have a solid handful of cyber friends i've made here, who i visit regularly, and may even know a bit about. there's dragonfly~guess who's back? , writer/mother/ass-kicker extraordinaire. with her bugs&botany degree, and her flair for the sadistic (in her writing, people. geez.), she never fails to impress me with her accomplishments. there's just so darn many of them.pencilsoverpens , who's just the sweetest, brightest, cutest (she hates when i say that) young woman. wicked sense of humor, too. she's beginning a new adventure, and i envy her & feel her homesickness, both.Z.˚rz , one of the first people i met here, and one of the most supportive (when he's around) and brilliantly witty writers i've come across. i wish he'd come around more often, and leave those little humor pellets i like so much.iconoclast37, my serious friend. she has so much heart, is so intelligent & articulate. she's had some rough times, but she's a fighter--she keeps bouncing back, and with flair. plus, she has that fabulous house in florida. *sigh* of course, there's LilPaul  . another sweet guy, with a mouth like a latrine. he says the things i wish i could, and he says them with that kicky british twang.twinkledee ♥'s you !! she's charm and wit, and a great writer, as well. her spider encounter had me laughing out loud and pointing at the monitor, and i almost never do that. fabulous!i come across new, likeable people often here at wdc, but these guys...they're my core. i met them early on, and i've imprinted on them like a baby duck out for my first walk. i read their blogs, i delight in their adventures and triumphs, and sympathize with them when they're low. i feel privileged to be allowed into their stories, fiction and non-fiction, both. so many truly good writers, here. i'm lucky to have found this place! another good thing about today: jim butcher's new book comes out!!!!!!!!!! *pant...pant* i've already begun slathering my hands with lotion, so i can grip the book properly. none of that slipping-out-of-my-grasp malarkey, i tell you what. only a precious few hours, my love, and you will be mine. miiiine. *wheeze* nothing shall keep us apaaart!!!!! |
| let me tell you a bit about my good friend, ramona. she's blond, in her 30s, has travelled all around the world, and has grown up surrounded by articulate, educated, free-thinking intellectuals. she herself is incredibly intelligent, but what strikes me most about ramona, and one of the reasons i so prize her friendship, is her spirituality. you might laugh when i say this, but while i understand her beliefs incorporate elements from hinduism, buddhism, the tao...i'm not sure how she defines herself, philosophically speaking. but this woman can blow my mind. we talk all the time about the nature of the universe, of identity, of self (or lack thereof), of reality. i'm in over my head much of the time, but she's explored ideas and states of being i have only inklings of. i respect her tremendously. except, she doesn't like buffy. i...i...i can't fathom. but, we're friends. you take the good with the bad. you know. ramona, too, along with her winning smile, her non-judgemental soul, also has two lovely boys. avery, who's 15, and abraham, who's 7 (i think?). both boys are bright, funny, gorgeous. they'll grow up to be interesting people, i'm sure. she's raising them on her own, which is another reason i have such respect for her. on a bookseller's salary. another reason. she lost her love seven years ago, in a car accident; he was also abey's dad. and she picked up the pieces, moved on, and raised her boys alone. she's since found love again, and retained her space, her privacy, when many of us would be tempted to cling to a sense of security, even if only an illusory one. she's brave, in so many ways. truly unique. funny, and sweet. and beautiful, inside and out. i'm proud to call her my friend. this, of course, isn't everything there is to know about ramonie. but i'll stick with the dignified stuff. for now. |
| so, april 1st, everybody. i ain't be no prankin' today. just got home from our quarterly store meeting, and lookit that, i won a service award! that's so nice. i feel all warm & fuzzly...a bit embarrassed, too. but gratifyin, yes, that my bosses feel i do a good job. they said many nice things (which are kind of a blur), and i wouldn't even have been nominated if my direct supervisor hadn't thrown my name in the pot. so, lots of people think i'm doing a fine job. hm. so why do i feel all funky? i can't even break it down, how i feel. but i'm definitely ambivalent. not ungrateful, no sirree. but....hm. i dunno. so, another topic. i've never been good at practical jokes...they're either really stupid, or don't come off well, or are just vicious. hard to strike that clever yet harmless balance. some ideas: *pretend yer going in for a hug, but at the last second punch em in the face. or throw up on them. or both. *look for a little toddler, just learned to walk, and tie his tiny shoelaces together. *the classic: pooing in your kitty's litter box, to freak out yer husband/wife/kids/kitty. "Moooooom!!! Something's wrong with Bonkers!" see? this is why i don't pull stuff like this. it never ends well. but hey, i got a service award! (maybe, tho....i didn't actually get it.  ) |
| i've had this glimmer of a story idea bouncing around in my head for a few days. i won't go into specifics, because it may not actually be anything, but it hasn't gone away, yet. so that's a good sign. i've been musing a bit, trying to pin down why i have trouble finishing my stories. heh. that's an understatement. i don't have 'trouble'. i don't think i've finished one. i've narrowed it down to a metaphor. i don't know which one, but i can tell this needs an explanation heavy with symbolism and portent. i am just that important to myself. no frivolous comparisons, here. but this 'stuck' thing, it's |
| god, i feel like i was just here! damned 'update yer blog' notices. i'm enough of a slacker as it is, yo. don't need reminders! so, what to say. hm. okay, first word that jumps into my brain.....wait. first noun that jumps into my brain.....jello. can't blog about jello. you know what i really don't like about jello, though? that film that one side gets, just tough enough you've got to punch through with a fork to get to the jiggly part. if i wanted to skin my food, i'd be eating food with skin. blecch. what else....? another noun. hey, P, gimme a noun. signpost? really? allllright. every time i see a signpost, i imagine me (or someone else) whacking their head on it as they pass. another of those 'alternate reality' things (see earlier blog post; search: 'meatpaste'.) how many different things do we really think about, day to day? me, i tend toward zombies, food, itchy feet, binding waistlines, smoochies, our tendency as a species to classify everything in 'us vs them' terms, more food, and how i could work the phrase 'social construct' into a conversation. even if i used it incorrectly, people'd just nod their heads and look thoughtful. nobody wants everyone else to know how ignorant they really are. at least, i don't. i'm in big trouble with this blog, aren't i? |
| "The basic tool for the manipulation of reality is the manipulation of words. If you can control the meaning of words, you can control the people who must use the words." Philip K. Dick, How To Build A Universe That Doesn't Fall Apart Two Days Later (1978) i absolutely love this quote. i like philip k dick a lot, too. but, man. this is the sort of thing your brain can just chew on for hours... reminds me of lenny bruce, in a way. his obsession with words. specifically, ethnic slurs. the power of these words, he said, was in the intent behind them. that if we consciously chose to redesign the intent, the power to hurt others would evaporate. they'd just be letters strung together. i'm not sure i agree, but it's a nice idea. i think words are a bit like houses. they can be haunted by their histories, by their ghosts. the whole is more than the sum of the letters. but i like the idea that our intentions can help alter the world. there's that idea of magic, again. fairy tales. but then i wonder, what if the fairy tale is real? or could be, if enough people accepted it? kids are always wishing for a world of stardust and mythical creatures....i guess i haven't really grown up yet. thank god for that. |
| i don't have anything, really, you know, going on right now. i wish i could say i'm super busy with work, or some exciting new project in my free time....but really, i'm a big lump. i've been so still lately, my brain's starting to slow down, too. fighting inertia is tough. well, there is one thing. nothing i'm doing, per se, but something on my mind. it's petty. small-minded. embarrassing to admit. but here it is. i'm a wdc loser. i've been here almost a YEAR (*gasp*), and i've still got such low numbers, community recognition-wise. sigh. i haven't gotten as involved as i'd intended, either in the community or in my own portfolio. all these ideas, and no....oomph. no duke nukem. don't get me wrong. while i long for popularity and ego-stroking, i don't honestly deserve it. lumps tend to float along, and that's pretty much what i've been doing. and that's not horrible. i'm not hurting anyone....i'm just mediocre. man, i hate that word. it's my shame. i drag it behind me like a dense, unsightly dingleberry. desperately hoping no one will notice, but understanding the only reason nobody says anything about it is pity. they all know, and am embarrassed for me. oh, what's worse??? having the dingleberry, or ignoring it? |
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