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My journal about my conversion to Judaism. |
| I started writing my conversion story in June 2023, even though it started before then. It will not be in chronological order as I remember things from the past that brought me to this point in my life. My decision to convert was not an easy one. I grew up Pentecostal. I watched my grandma speak in tongues. My aunt played keyboard in the church band. I used to attend church (a member of a Baptist church for many years) 3 to 4 times a week. I did not start my journey of healing after my divorce and expect to end up here. However, my desire and work to grow closer to G-d has left me no doubt or question about where I am now. I have no hesitation in my conversion to Judaism. This is my story of leaving Christianity and becoming a part of a people that I will be able to, one day, proudly say that I am also. A Jew. |
| I stayed up until 1 am cleaning and preparing my house for Pesach (Passover). I washed all clothes that were dirty or could have possibly had crumbs on them, covered my stove, my kitchen counters, taped closed my cabinets, and wrapped my table and side table in plastic wrapping. Wrapping a table in plastic wrap at 11:30 at night does not look pretty. There is a tradition to hide 10 pieces of chametz around the house, and then go around with a lit candle, a wooden spoon, and a feather to find them. It wasn't until Midnight that I felt that I was done preparing the house and went in search of the chametz. Multiple places that I hid the chametz left me needing to clean something more. It was after 1 before I was done. I did not find a feather, so I wore a fuzzy, feather-like scrunchie on my wrist, I waved the wooden spoon that I had just bought hours before, and I burnt my fingers multiple times on the wax from tilting the candle (in a container). I felt silly. I wondered if it was part of the purpose. If getting rid of chametz is part of getting rid of your ego, there is no way to have an inflated ego while you're walking around in the dark with a candle while waving a wooden spoon and a feather (or fuzzy feather-like scrunchie) and looking for 10 pieces of chametz that you hid yourself! I was very tired when I finished, but my bedtime prayer was back to feeling like it did when I first read the words. My mind was empty of all the overthinking and all the lessons and the what I need to do's. I felt connected to G-d. I still got up at 5am and went to work. Poor kids. Coming home and getting ready for Shabbat was actually quite easy, because I had done most of the preparing late at night and in the middle of the night. I had laundry to fold, which only took minutes, I took out the garbage one last time, changed my towels, and I was done. I have a few minutes before Shabbat begins and the holiday of Pesach follows right after. One year ago, I attended my very first Seder. I had car trouble and other issues, and then the road was on fire. It was a day that I will never forget. I made it down here to the community by a miracle. I'm looking forward to doing the Seder again this year, because it won't be new. I will be able to understand some of it from last time and get new and deeper meaning out of it this time. This year, instead of both Seders spent at one place, I am attending two Seders with two different families. I researched Eliyahu to be able to present something at the second Seder. I just printed my notes because I was way too busy to write anything formally. I did, however learn a few things and had a good conversation with my Prayer tutor about the Seder and Eliyahu. He told me a good story that I wrote down also. It's going to be difficult not to write for days. I like taking notes on what I learn and experience so I can go back and relive those moments and want to remember everything I learned. They are all too good to forget. It is now time for me to go to Shabbat dinner with my wonderful friends. I hope you have a wonderful and meaningful Shabbat and Pesach. |
| Passover is a few days away. I am attempting to do as much as I can for Passover this year. I have an electric burner that has never been used, so I will be able to use that as my Pesach stove. I have a new pot that hasn't been used, so I will have a pot also. What I'm going to cook in them, I have no idea. I have taken my couch apart and thoroughly cleaned it, around it, and under it. My dining room is very clean also. I still need to tape the plastic cover to the top of the table. That will be done tomorrow. Some of my cupboards are done, but only some of them are taped. I will finish taping them tonight. It's amazing where crumbs go when you're not looking. I swear that I have never eaten next to internet router, but there was a crumb on the floor right next to it. Weird. I understand why people spend weeks cleaning. It seems that the more I clean, the more I find that needs cleaned. Whoever the Rabbi was that said cleaning should take 4 hours, was living in a different universe. There is no way that 4 hours is enough time. I have three ovens, let alone a refrigerator, dining room, counters, etc. Maybe 4 hours to clean out the fridge (well, my fridge) is enough time, but not for the entire house, including laundry. Then there is replacing toothpaste and toothbrush and searching pockets from coats and jackets that were used all year (or in one day in this state). It's a lot even when I'm not going overboard like some people do. I'm cleaning under the bookshelf (which does need it  ), or peeling all of my vegetables - just in case, or using no process food at all even if it certified kosher for Passover by the orthodox union. There's a lot that others do that I'm not doing. It's late. I have a bit more cleaning to do before going to bed. Then, I need to go shopping for food for the next week.  If I don't get a chance to write before Pesach begins, have a wonderful Passover (or Easter if you're one of those people). |
| There are times that I sit in synagogue or I read something on Shabbat and wish I could write right then! But there is no writing on Shabbat. I was listening during Torah reading only partially because I got caught up in the writing at the bottom of the page. This week's parshah as on the offerings that were brought to the temple. Obviously we don't bring sacrifices to the temple for sin offerings (when you break a negative commandment) or peace offerings (when you don't do a positive commandment) anymore, because the temple was destroyed. Though I have heard this section of Leviticus many times before, I was struck by something and immediately thanked Hashem for being so loving, forgiving, and amazing. It was what I read about the meal offering that had me awe-struck. When a poor person brings a meal offering, it is the size of his palm closed with only the middle three fingers (not thumb or pinky finger). With the size of my hands, I wonder if that is even the size of a kazayis (approx. the size of an olive). This meal offering (even with my tiny hands) is considered more worthy than a offering of a sheep or animal. What I read said that it is, "considered as if the person offered their entire soul" with just that size of an offering. I have always heard that G-d looks at the heart and knows a person's thoughts and intentions. He knows what no one else does about a person. He knows who we are inside. It made me look at offerings in a completely different way. It is not what was offered that was the significant factor. We did the offerings not because G-d needed them, he already own everything. After all, he created everything. He had us do the offerings because it was a way for us to see our own sin and how it affected the world and not just ourselves. We would then be able to work on ourselves to not sin again or to follow his commandments. Then G-d, in his kindness, would forgive us like it never even happened. What gets me the most out of all of this is that this is done, not for Hashem's benefit, but for our benefit. All of the rules (pages and pages worth) are so that we will see our own error, turn back to Hashem, ask for forgiveness, and get close with him again. So when someone who has little to nothing brings three fingers full of flour for a meal offering, G-d sees that he will give all that he has to be close with him again, and wants to be close with him again. When Hashem orchestrates such an elaborate thing (even though I'm only just reading about it) to get me to come back to our relationship and be close with him, how could saying a few prayers a day, or keeping kosher, or keeping Shabbat, or cleaning for Pesach be an inconvenience. In the symphony of this world, anything that Hashem requires of me seems so little in comparison to his great love for me. Hashem is amazing. |
| Pesach is only a week away. I have been taking things into my classroom and letting the kids choose what they want. It has made getting rid of chametz easier, but not easy at the same time. I can't believe how much I live on this stuff. What am I going to do with all my hummus? I can't eat it on Pesach, or have it on Pesach, but there is so much of it! I'll figure it out, I'm sure. I know that I should be feeling overwhelmed, but I'm not. Work has been good this week, and I found out that I was chosen to work summer school. That gives me the extra income needed to sustain myself here another year and start saving again. I learned a lot in classes this week about rules for keeping food warm on Shabbat, and the reasons we say some of the prayers, and prayer's timing. GZ had his classes this week, and I attended quite a few of them to learn Hebrew vocabulary, grammar, and conversation. He also had is biblical classes that I attended. It really has been a good week of learning. Still, the more I learn, the more I want to learn and the more I want this. I'm coming into Shabbat with one of the happiest moods and one of the best weeks since I've been here. |
| I wanted to try a small piece of my challah today. I ate half a loaf. It has never been so fluffy and pull apart delicious! Too bad I can't take a loaf to dinner tonight, because even though it is kosher, it is not kosher enough to share with a Jew yet. This waiting sucks. Not being able to give freshly baked challah to my friends sucks. I love my new oven. I love my first challah bread that I made here. It is delicious and so much better than store bought! I called a non-Jewish friend to come pick up a loaf or two. I'm hoping he shows up and takes one. It is going to be Shabbat in a couple of hours. After Shabbat ends, so will my spring break. I've enjoyed my learning this week and feel that I will be ready for next week even if (or more likely when) chaos occurs. Have a great Shabbat. |
| It was nice to have class after a week and a half. I was able to ask questions and get answers to things that I am dealing with immediately, not conceptionally or could possibly, one day, hypothetically have to think about. Because of spring break, I have attended other classes and been able to listen to my Ark Online also. I have even had time to almost read an entire book that I borrowed last Shabbat! After having my kitchen set up and using it for a few weeks, I feel confident in keeping everything kosher. Even after my daughter was here, I was able to keep things organized and understand what possible mistakes could happen and what to have to do to fix them. I was still able to keep dishes separated even though I had dairy dishes, meat dishes, and parve dishes all dirty. When she left, I was able to wash all of them, keep them separated, and keep them kosher (as kosher as they can be right now). If happiness was a smell, it would be fresh challah. With a clean kitchen, and hearing all of the classes about getting rid of chametz, I decided that today was the time to make challah. I followed the rules of how to keep the challah kosher. I used only my parve dishes. I used covering for the counter when I rolled out the dough. I cooked it in my parve oven. It came out perfect.      |
| Life sucks sometimes. I'm glad that I have people that keep me focused on my goals regardless of the madness and chaos that is going on around me. Sometimes it amazes me how our lives affect others and are affected by others. Last week was parent teacher conferences. This week is spring break. The best part of the week last week was the conferences with the parents and the kids being antsy and crazy just before spring break. Those are things that normally drive a teacher to drink half of spring break (so I've heard). My whole reason for moving to this area is for conversion, however, I chose the school I currently teach at for a reason. I know that these students have a rough life outside of school. I try to give at least one hour a day that they have a safe place to be. This is very difficult when it feels like the rest of the school is fighting against this concept. I will be heading back to work on Monday with no boss and less support than what little support I already had. Students will be going back and hearing rumors about why multiple people are gone, including people they looked up to and depended on for emotional support. What am I able to tell these students who so often are abandoned by people that they care about and lean on for guidance? That the world isn't fair. That our decisions (especially immoral ones) have consequences that not only affect our lives, but also the lives of everyone around us? That we just need to learn to not make the same mistakes? That even when the world around us is erupted into chaos, and when we no longer to see those that we consider our mentors, that we must go on, persevere, and work that much harder to live our lives better? That you must find your purpose and use that as your reason to keep going on difficult days like these? How can I ask these things of these students, when part of me doesn't want to be there knowing I won't have any support the next time a kid has a meltdown or wants to fight, or cares more about texting and starting drama than listening. Also, to ask 10th and 11th graders to think of their purpose for living, seems unfair. They should be focused on homework, and video games, where they want to go to college or what job they want to do when they grow up, and how they can get the boy or girl they like to like them. Life is just unfair. With the world seemingly falling into nothing but chaos, I have been cherishing the small wonderful things around me. People can be kind and say kind things, even when they are hurting. I got my VIP card from the kosher grocery store yesterday. I spent three days with my daughter, A1, cooking her big dinners, teaching her to make latkes, buying shoes (favorite thing to do when I feel down), and made funny faces. I enjoyed my time with her so much. It was enough to remind me that even when the world is hurting, there is always something beautiful to celebrate. That is why even after tragic news and events, Jews still dance and sing. There is always something to celebrate and a time to celebrate. There is a time to cry, to be angry, and to fight. However, there is a time to just be, a time to sing, a time to dance, and a time to have hope and faith that everything happens for a reason and will be good in the end. So after days of wresting with how I am going to face work with my coworkers struggling with how to deal with the moral crisis happening around them, and how I'm going to deal with less support than ever, and how I'm going to deal with the students reactions to the change and rumors, I have gotten it together. I won't have the right thing to say to the kids. I know that. However, I will be there. I will be there and love them the same that I always have. I will do my best to show them that regardless of the things that go wrong in our lives and in our jobs, we keep going. I will leave the mess of finding a proper replacement up to those in charge, and trust Hashem to guide them. I will also trust that if Hashem thinks I would be better someplace else, that would arrange that. Otherwise, I am going to do the best I am where I am at, because until G-d says differently, that is where I am still needed. I have class tonight after a week and a half. I'm excited for it. I still don't know what is going on with my conversion at this point, but I have class today. I'm going to learn something. |
| Purim is a holiday where just existing is celebrated. The ability to still be a Jew and a Jewish nation regardless of where you live in the world and overcoming evil to continue the right to exist is the entire celebration of the holiday. If Jews had died in the time of Esther, I know I wouldn't exist (even though I'm not technically a Jew). On Purim, children are dressed up and their main thought is showing off their costume and getting candy gifts. It's cute to see. The teenage girls (and 20s it seemed) were dressed up and their main thought is friends. Some adults dressed up and some adults didn't. Thier main thoughts were making sure they fulfilled every mitzvah that was required: hearing the Magillah read day and night, giving Matanot LaEvyonim (money to the poor) and giving Mishloach Manot (food gifts to friends). Handing out Mishloach Manot was weird. I went around the neighborhood knocking on people's doors and either sitting a bag on their doorstep next to other bags, or handing them the bag and driving away. It was weird. A friend was kind enough to go around with me, which I am thankful for, but it was still weird. Does it ever get not weird? My favorite part of Purim was the fact that everyone was happy and laughing. There has been so much sadness and suffering that it was such a blessing to see everyone smile, laugh, and enjoy friends. There was a comedian for the entertainment this year. Though he had a few recycled jokes, he was much better than the magician last year that obviously didn't know his audience. Just hearing everyone laugh made my day. I love that one of the main focuses for this holiday is listening to the book of Esther read to you. I love anything that has to do with the Tanach. I guess my favorite thing about this holiday, though, is that it can't be done alone. Seeing other people happy makes me happy. That is the best thing about this holiday. Today was Shabbat. I went downstairs for kiddush. There was a young (7 maybe?) boy that I had a conversation with. I asked him what he dressed up as for Purim. He wanted me to guess. He gave me a hint that it was the name of a car and started with the letter P. I couldn't think of any car that started with the letter P. He then said the second letter of the word is L. What car begins with PL? Police! With all of my children grown, I am definitely out of the loop on little kid spelling! Have a great week! |
| This week is Purim. Purim comes from the book of Ester. I had my very first Purim last year in the community. I had stayed with a friend and was able to enjoy the full Purim experience (even receiving Purim gifts). This year, living in the community, is a bit different. I, again, will be getting the full Purim experience but with new joy. I have been able to hear all kinds of conversations building up to Purim, and even got to pick out costumes (instead of last minute) with a friend. I get to make my own gifts for friends and deliver them this year. My first time, ever. On Purim, you give money to the poor and at least two gifts of food to friends. Because this is my first Purim, I wanted to be able to give to a few friends (because I have them here to give to), so I got the things for the gift bags (I can't give home baked things yet). I didn't know how much it would cost (because this is my first time making the bags) but we are supposed to give more to charity than to friends, so I waited until I bought the things for friends so I could give more to charity than that amount. I love being here in the community. It is amazing to be with such wonderful people. It just makes me wonder all the more what it is like to be in Israel. I heard that everyone there is like this small community here. Some day. |
| I was asked how my Shabbat went. I replied that it was a normal Shabbat. It is so good to have a normal when it comes to Shabbat. I feel extra blessed this week. Thank you Hashem for everything. I love you. |
| A celebration in the making: I bought a car! It is currently getting cleaned and getting it's oil changed, but I should have it in my possession in a couple of days. The great thing about this is that it was in my budget. I do not have a car payment. I do not have a loan at all! I can get it legal and start driving it right after I get it! Thank you Hashem for being so good to me. |
| Finally! It took two days, but I finally got my cabinet put together, my parve oven set up, and my new pots and pans put in the cabinet. I chose one with a metal top so it could be easily koshered. I am looking forward to baking challah this week! I have everything (hopefully) that I need to make parve food on a regular basis. I am so happy. I now get to try new recipes and make the ones that I already know (and keep them parve)! Since I have been in my new apartment, I have done nothing but work and study. There have been very few moments that I have been able to spend doing things that I love doing, or creating things that I love to create. I need to set aside time to just be me. I need to spend some time writing, crocheting, and dancing around my kitchen again, so I feel like myself. I absolutely love all of the learning that I am doing, but I have stressed myself out. For the past seven months, outside of work, studying is all that I am doing. I ate a bowl of cereal for dinner the other day. It reminded me of my place up north, away from the community, when I would often eat a bowl of cereal for Shabbat dinner, and go to bed soon after. I admit that Shabbat is so much better here in the community, but that bowl of cereal made me realize all of the things I used to enjoy that I haven't made time for since I've been here. Now that I have my kitchen set up (Finally!!!), I can get back to doing some other things that I love. I miss crocheting, and I miss writing. Outside of this blog, I haven't written much in the past year. Today is the first of Adar. The month when joy increases. If I think about what brings me joy the most, writing is definitely on the top of the list. Okay, I got a bit sidetracked with chatting with my children and now it is the second of Adar. I am still looking for a new vehicle. My van is going through a bottle of power steering fluid a day. However, it is Adar. That means that I will find a car that will last me a while and it will be a great deal. Right? I hit 1000 days on duolingo Friday before Shabbat! I go back and practice Spanish when I am frustrated with Hebrew, but for over the past year, most of the year was strictly Hebrew. It felt good to hit that milestone. 1000 days on duolingo, a wonderful Shabbat, and my kitchen finally set up made it a wonderful weekend. Hoping that it is a good week. I will post pics of my challah when make it. |
| I have been extremely overwhelmed with life. At one point this week, I have wondered if there is even any hope for humanity. I'm sure that heaven was crying too. I forced myself to keep going and went to work. I'm so glad I did. As I stood in the hallways discouraged by my students' lack of caring, the world's lack of morals, and the weight of the rest of life bearing down on me, I said, "G-d, I need you today," like I often do. And I heard the words that I often hear and read, "The way to battle evil is with love." I saw my students again as just kids who want to be loved, and remembered that I am part of humanity. If there is too much hate and evil in the world, then my job is to bring more love and hope. Sometimes it is hard, especially when life is overwhelming. The overwhelming parts of my life at this moment: 1. I'm sure this won't come as a shock at this point, but I am in desperate need of a new car. I've put a lot of miles on the car driving back and forth before moving to the community in which I now live. 2. I have been working on making sure I have a functioning kosher kitchen. Though it is kosher, I needed extra separate space for parve foods, since I eat parve as often as I eat dairy. I'll be putting together the rest of my kitchen this weekend (or Monday at the latest, depending on how long lesson planning takes me). 3. Although GZ has been working with me a lot, I feel stuck in my Hebrew. Like I'm not progressing. However, I know that I have always felt that, and that I am reading now more fluently and with a greater vocabulary than this time last year. I'm still not even close to where I want to be though. My Rabbi laughed at me because of the way I pronounced my "ח". I have been afraid of speaking Hebrew in front of the Rabbis because I sound so awful. This only confirmed my fears. I sound awful. 4. Work. Because its work. 5. All the people everywhere. There are so many people and cars here that I don't want to go anywhere. I don't have a special place to go and be alone, because there is no way to be alone in the city. People are kind here. Even strangers are kind, and this helps, but there are so many of them! 6. Lack of time to write. I haven't written much because I just haven't had the time. I wish I had more time to write. 7. My children. Even though they are adults, they are still my children, and worry for them and trying to take care of them be there for them doesn't ever end. 8. Israel and Gaza. Evil not only seems to be out in the open, but it is celebrated by many in the world. That's scary, heartbreaking, and leaves me wondering if there is any hope. With all this happening at once, and more not shared, I have been overwhelmed. What do I do when I am this overwhelmed? I write. I haven't had much time for that and will be making an effort to do more of it. I bought a book called "Write Your Way Home: The Jewish Guide to Therapeutic Writing" by Yocheved Rottenberg, CJF with "Inspiration by" Chaya Hinda Allen. I'm excited to read it and try the writing exercises. I will be making another place on this site for those entries. It's not like I don't have things going well. I have plants that are growing in my new apartment. This is the first time I have ever been able to keep plants alive and I love it! I have amazing friends here. As much as I'm struggling with my job, I still love what I do. My classes with my Rabbi have been going well. I have learned things that I can apply right away. I love studying. We have done so many different things: Shulchan Aruch, the book The Shabbos Kitchen, and before and after blessings for eating. I look forward to my classes at shul more than anything else during the week (at least right now). My typical learning schedule: Sunday - Shabbos class (or whatever he feels like sometimes with the Rabbi who laughs), Intro to Talmud (JLI class with the Rabbi who glows), Conversational Hebrew (with GZ), Easy Hebrew Method (with GZ), Psalms (with GZ) Monday - nothing unless there is a women's event or a rescheduled class or a one-on-one class with GZ Tuesday - Conversational Hebrew (with GZ). Easy Hebrew Method (with GZ), Easy Hebrew Reading (with GZ) Wednesday - Shabbos class (with the Rabbi who laughs) Thursday - Conversational Hebrew (with GZ), Easy Hebrew Method (with GZ), either Isaiah (with GZ) or Talmud (with the Rabbi who glows) There were two incidents this week that gave me strength to keep going: 1. My neighbor shoveled the sidewalk and salted it. She wouldn't let me help her, but let me talk to her while she was doing it. She is a wonderful person who always brings in people packages and sets it in front of their door. She checks on the elderly people of the building. She is a good person, and every time I talk to her, she brings light to my life. 2. After a few hard days and a snow storm, a bird stood outside my patio door. Then it went to the tree next to patio and sang. I have been visited by birds every time that I am stressed, anxious, or discouraged. I see it as G-d telling me that he knows my needs and will take care of me. If he can take care of bird during a snow storm and feed it immediately after, he can certainly take care of me. |
| It is amazing how much I need to say when I finally get the chance to sit down and write. I feel like all I do is work and study, and I still don't have enough time to do either as much as I want or need. It's funny how that works. I am healthy again and attending shul, classes and community events. Even at community events, there is always something that I learn. There are still times when I feel out of place and overwhelmed. I feel like I have lived outside of my comfort zone for the past two years. However, I have noticed my comfort zone expanding. I feel comfortable being at multiple people's houses. I feel comfortable helping with Shabbat dinner (instead of like I will defile the food with my goy hands). Most of the time, I am not treated any different than any other guest or friend. Honestly, I still hate the city. I hate the traffic and all the cars. I hate that it takes 20-25 minutes to drive 8 miles, and for some reason, I still have to watch for deer! But tonight, I looked out my patio door and watched the snow fall and felt complete peace. There was only one car on the road and it was going country slow. The city sounds were dampened by the blanket of white fluff, the lights were dimmed by the twirls of snowflakes, and for a small moment, it felt like I had always been here. My kitchen is almost how I want it to be able to run smoothly and kosher with no sacrifice to my love of baking and trying new recipes. Now that I am almost functional, I am understanding how mistakes can happen so easily. My Rabbis have been amazing, and are so helpful. I learn so much with every class. The Rabbi who laughs has been teaching me how to keep a kosher kitchen and the proper blessings to say before and after eating. I've been finding out bruchahs and other things that I have been doing wrong and what I should be doing instead. I am very hard on myself. I know that. I'm learning to give myself more grace though. One example, I learned that I was saying the wrong bruchah on nuts. Instead of beating myself up mentally, I made myself a note, came home, and said the proper bruchah on nuts so that I would remember. I always tell my students that making mistakes is what helps us learn, and when we know better, then we do better. So instead of being hard on myself for my mistakes, now that I know what I am supposed to do, I will practice until it becomes second nature. I have so much more to say, but it is late. I will just thank G-d now for all the good news I have received this week tell him that I love him. Have a wonderful night everyone. |
| I didn't break Shabbat today. I have been sick for a few days and didn't go to shul. Not going to shul was bad enough for breaking Shabbat for me. I hate that I have to do something on purpose to break Shabbat. I can't wait for that to end. I prayed at home and said Tehillim for the soldiers and remaining hostages, as well as for GZ's dad who is sick in the hospital. My kitchen is starting to come together. I know at this point I don't have to buy things, but I like to cook. I want to "practice" knowing that when this practice is over, I will be able to do it right. So, I bought another stand and another convection oven for parve foods. I turned down going to someone's house for Shabbat dinner, because I didn't want to get them sick. I had chicken shawarma in the freezer and decided to cook that along with some cucumber salad and orzo salad. I realized that I have no parve pots or pans to cook a parve dish. I cooked the orzo in a meat pan so it could be eaten with meat. However, I was very sick yesterday. I had not drank anything when my friend A brought me my medicine that she picked up from the pharmacy for me. All I was trying to do was get ready for Shabbat, and nothing was going right. Thank you A for coming over and making me drink water and praying with me when I prayed for a friend. Your love and care helped me be prepared for Shabbat on time and in the right frame of mind. I have been studying blessings before and after eating. There are different blessings for food made with grains, with food made from certain food in Israel, for fruit, for vegetables, for other foods. I make sure what I eat is kosher and that I say the right blessing for it, but on Shabbat, I eat challah (bread). I only say the blessing for bread, then the Grace After Meals (Birkat Hamazon or Bentching). Eating bread is special and covers everything else that you eat. Whenever I am in my kitchen, I look at food and think about what blessing I say for that item and why. This Shabbat I didn't do that though, all I could think about was a soldier that I encountered a few weeks ago. It is not a new thing for Israeli citizens to be in the neighborhood where I live and visit the synagogue that I attend. I have met a few. However, there are a couple that have stood out from the rest. There was a young soldier that spoke at the synagogue. What moved me about him was not what he said, but what he did beforehand. We have what is called Kiddush after Shabbat services. It is a meal that is proceeded by a prayer over wine (or grape juice) and a blessing on bread. At my synagogue, there isn't always unsliced bread to pray over. Most people pray on sliced bread or on a piece of cake instead. This young soldier walked around from table to table asking for challah (bread) rolls until he had two of them. He then found a shaker of salt, spilled it on the table (very near me), said the blessing, and ate a piece. He did all of it without saying a word because he had already washed. He then sat down to eat. I have prayed extra on my own since then. All I can think is there are people like him that I am praying for, that need prayed for. For weeks I couldn't figure out why that one incident stuck with me, but a quick glance at my fridge makes clear to me what that simple act of dedication to his faith that young soldier did for me. My friend who died last year left a dark hole in my world. Why the praying over challah rolls made me see light in the world again, I don't know, but it did. It might have been the multiple people who gave up their challah rolls so he could say his blessing in addition to his desire to fulfill the observance in the proper fashion. Regardless, I saw good in the world again. There have been a few hostages released. There was one hostage that fasted on Tisha B'Av and prayed daily. I can't imagine being held hostage and fighting my captors to be able to practice my religion. That is what one girl did. She fasted, she prayed, and she refused to eat non-kosher meat. She is proof that evil has no chance to kill good. In this crazy, scary, and messed up world, there is still good. I am so blessed to see so much good in the people around me. So this next week, when I am feeling better, I will continue setting up my kitchen to function the way I want my kosher kitchen to function. I won't care that I may need to replace some or all of the things I purchased to make it function this way, because in the end, I already see the worth. |
| I absolutely love my new Tehillim book. There is a thrill of the smell of a new book, and when it has a beautiful cover and perfect typesetting, it makes it even better! The nikkud in the Hebrew side of the book is so easy to read that I am able to get through a chapter much faster. I have been reading just the first chapter at work during my lunch and will continue doing it until I have it memorized in Hebrew. My Hebrew classes were cancelled tonight so I attended Talmud at the shul. It has been a long time since I have attended a Talmud class, and every other class that I have attended has been online. It was a really good class on how women were the heroes during the time of slavery in Egypt. It was such a different experience hearing it in person compared to listening to online. For one, I wasn't distracted by dishes, work, or my phone. I was also able to hear people commenting on his lesson and hear the questions. It was really good. I think I finally figured out how to cook parve food in my kitchen. I did have to buy a few small appliances and am still working on getting everything I need to make it run smoothly. I know some things I should wait to buy until after my conversion, but I need to cook and to make my kitchen work while keeping it kosher. Some things, I guess I just don't have a choice. I don't have everything I need yet, and I found my new issue is with knives. I need to be mindful when I use a knife to cut something, and I need to make sure I have enough knives to keep them separated. I don't have it yet to my satisfaction. This morning the roads were terrible, and the weather was bad. The traffic was extra heave, I was late to work, and everyoen seemed grumpy. Driving to work always makes me miss the country. But tomorrow night Shabbat begins. One more day of telling kids to take their headphones off, and to take their earbuds out, and to be respectful of their classmates, and then... then there is peace, and rest, and prayer, and more prayer, and a little bit of food, and great people. When the city wears on me and when I'm asked if I like it here, I just think about shul and my community and Shabbat. I don't want to be anywhere else. This is my home. This is my community. No, I don't want to be anywhere else. |
| I am an utter failure. As a convert, I am permitted to keep 99.9% of Shabbat, so I do something small like putting on Chapstick or lotion, or helping someone by turning off their stove. Small things that don't make me feel like I'm completely desecrating Shabbat. I have not broken Shabbat more than these small ways since I have moved to the community, until this Shabbat. There was a small snow storm on Friday. I had to drive very slow to get home safely, so I only had a few minutes before my friend made it there to pick me up. I was having dinner at the Rabbi's. The Rebbetzin offered for me spend the night so I wouldn't have to walk to shul in the harsh weather in the morning. I packed a bag, just in case the weather got worse or the snow didn't stop during the time I was at dinner. My friend arrived to pick me up and give me a ride since she was invited also. We joked about how she knew I wouldn't be ready even though she was late picking me up. I received a text message from my ex-boyfriend. I sent a snarky reply (not a proud moment), turned off my phone, grabbed my bag, and headed out the door. I have never been to a dinner at the Rabbi's with so few people. Nor have I been to a dinner there where I knew everyone. I was so thirsty at the end of the fast that everything I drank was the best ever. I was nervous that I would have stomach issues eating someone else's food at the end of the fast, but it was only a short fast. I had no issues. My friend, on the other had, did. It could have been too low of blood sugar, or something else, but she scared me. She said that she was fine, but I wanted to make sure. The snow hadn't stopped and was still coming down at the end of the dinner. Instead of staying, I got back into the car with my friend and let her drive me home. I cleaned off my vehicle and followed her home to make sure she got home safely. I sat there until she went inside. I drove slowly back home thinking about how many times I had broken Shabbat, but knowing that I would do it over again if given the choice. Then I walked inside. There was a smell that was really bad. It had not been there when I had left for dinner. I no idea where it was coming from. I had a bag of garbage that I hadn't had time to take out before Shabbat started, but it didn't seem to be coming from that bag, or so I thought. I figured that I could find it after Shabbat, and that it would be fine. I was wrong. The next day, I got up, got ready, and went to shul wearing the dress that my friend wanted me to wear. I prayed and watched for her to come around the time she normally arrived. When she walked in the door, I felt a huge wave of relief. The Rebbetzin was a little late, which had me wondering if she had gotten sick after we left, but she walked in smiling like normal, and my anxiety quickly vanished. I had kiddush at another friend's house. My friend who had been sick at the dinner the night before was there. She drove next me after the meal as I walked home. She was doing fine, and it made me feel a little guilty about breaking Shabbat so much the night before, but at the same time, I knew I would do it again. Then I felt guilty about that. I got home wanting to say my Tehillim and take a nap. However, I walked in the door, and the smell was overwhelming. I had purchased a small bottle of milk over the holiday break that I intended to use to make the Oreo truffles (made on Monday instead) for my students. It had gone bad in the fridge (unopened) before I had the chance to make them. I didn't want to open it because I knew it would smell bad. I put the unopened, sealed bottle of milk in the garbage. I Somehow, it had ruptured in the bad and spoiled milk was spilling all over the kitchen floor and under the meat cabinet. I wanted so bad to wait the few hours until Shabbat was over to clean it up, but the smell was too much. I took the garbage out to the dumpster with milk dripping the entire way. I grabbed a washcloth, wet it, wrung it out and cringed. I broke Shabbat again. I tried to clean up the stinky, spoiled milk covering my kitchen floor and all the drips out the door without breaking Shabbat again, but it was too much milk. I got the mop and mopped up the rest. I wanted so bad to put a wax melt in my warmer, but I resisted. However, at that point I had broken Shabbat so many times, would doing one more thing really matter that much? I said my Tehillim and took a very short nap. I woke up just as Shabbat ended. I cried doing Havdalah. Did I fail this past Shabbat, yes. From the moment I sent the snarky comment until the moment I put out the flame of the Havdala candle, I failed multiple times. As someone who does not live in failure, I spent some time crying on G-d's shoulder, sent a text apologizing to my ex who accepted the apology, gave charity, and bought prayer books for holidays Selichot, Yom Kippur, and Rosh Hashanah so I can study them before the holidays arrive again. Tonight I will have some chocolate and a good sleep. Tomorrow, I will study, and I already know that next Shabbat will be better. I have no doubts that the king of the universe created me and has called me to do this. Therefore, I cannot and will not stay a failure. Shavua Tov. |
| Man this is hard sometimes. I still love you G-d and I trust you. |
| I was in class the other day with the Rabbi who laughs. He has said repeatedly that he thinks that I am crazy for wanting to convert. He was talking about a Jewish comedian, Modi. He had a skit on converting to Judaism. I've heard of the comedian and seen a few of his skits on YouTube. Today, a few days later, it comes up on my YouTube suggested videos. It was very funny, but also very true. When he talked about converting to different religions and then going to a Rabbi and saying you want to convert, I said the punchline before he did. "No you don't." It is true that they try to talk you out of it. It is true that I get discouraged at times. But then I look at my Siddur, or pray a Tehillim, or say my morning blessings, say a brucha without thinking about it, or just spend even a small moment talking with Hashem, and then I get over my discouragement and turn back to praise. Here is the link so you can laugh like I did. https://youtu.be/4GlgHlcFLF4?si=9gPBA2mZMhR1Ydo- I don't know that I will ever fully understand why I pre-rip toilet paper for Shabbat. It doesn't matter how much it is explained to me. However, I do it during my Hebrew lessons because it is a reminder that every little thing and every big thing I do is for the same purpose, to serve Hashem. How do I spend my person time outside of work and classes? I look at stoves with double ovens and try to think about how I can get out of buying a new stove and still have an oven that is parve. I haven't figured it out. Because my oven is dairy, I haven't baked challah since I've been at my new apartment. I can't bake it in a dairy oven and serve it with meat. However do I need two ovens? I've looked at countertop ovens, but the small one I have for meat (since I eat very little of it) still takes up so much space in my kitchen. I don't want another countertop oven. If it wasn't for chicken nuggets, I could almost be a vegetarian. Almost. It is a lot of money to get a stove with a double oven. I haven't figured out another way to be able bake challah though, and I miss baking challah. Did I enter this journey ever thinking that buying a new stove so I can make my kitchen keep with up my level of observance would be an issue. Never, ever crossed my mind. I know that I can just keep buying challah here and the oven wouldn't be an issue, but I love baking. I really love it. I need a parve oven. It's late already and I need to work tomorrow. I will tackle this problem again tomorrow. Have a great night. And thank you everyone who lit candles this past Shabbat. It was an extra happy Shabbat thanks to you. |
| I enjoyed learning the laws of Chanukah this year. Not only with a friend studying the Shulchan Aruch, but also in the book that L got me last year. My friend and I will be starting studying the rules of Pesach. I'm not sure how much I can actually do. I will have a lot of questions for my Rabbi. Chanukah is over, but the messages of Chanukah are still displayed in my email, all over my Facebook page, and in my WhatsApp groups. I really enjoyed Chanukah. It was a very meaningful holiday. Fun, yes, but also full of love, light, and hope. I ended Chanukah studying Hallel with L and Hebrew with GZ. I sure hope it is always like this. Today I went to a class on the Parshah of the week. This week's Parsha is Vayigash. It is the part of the Bible where Joseph reveals himself to his brothers. His father Jacob comes to Egypt and the Jews prosper in Egypt. We didn't get through very much of the parshah, but the message was so good. I was able to hear two different messages on the parshah. One message was just on the meeting between Joseph and his brothers when he revealed himself to them. The second message was on the same theme that I have been hearing all week, on being broken and learning how to grow from being broken and use that brokenness to connect to Hashem. When I first starting studying with Chabad, I was amazed how in depth they went with the Bible. It wasn't surface level, which was all I was used to getting. It wasn't some off topic message that some pastor made up and tied it to a verse taken out of place. It is soul kindling study of the word of G-d. I feel so blessed every time I get to participate in any class and learn. It is a privilege to learn at this level. Every time I hear a story or lesson, it fills part of my soul that was empty. I am so thankful to Hashem for giving me this time of my life. I've been working on my kitchen a lot with keeping it kosher. I absolutely mess up and then study what I would do if I mess up like that after my kitchen is koshered. I'm thankful to have friends to talk me through it and know that I can ask the Rabbi when the time comes to help. There were things that I found I need to work on. It's amazing how many sets of kitchen gadgets are needed to keep the kitchen kosher. I never thought I would ever need more than one cheese grater, but that is not the case. I use it a lot for vegetables (making latkes). I need it to be parve for vegetables, but it is dairy when used for cheese (who doesn't like freshly grated cheese?). That means I need 2, one parve cheese grater and one dairy cheese grater. I now own two. Another thing I have needed to expand on is my kitchen hand towels. To keep from mixing meat and dairy, different towels are needed. They are easy enough to wash, but I found that this takes practice and a lot of thought. I have been doing things and realized that I didn't change towels for meat and had to grab a new towel, or vise versa. Since I usually only eat meat on the weekends (except this week with all my leftovers from Shabbat since my guests didn't show), it is easy to keep dairy towels out during the week and put a new towel out for the weekend. It hasn't been easy with eating leftovers. The latkes I made were considered meat because I warmed them up in the meat oven (a separate little air fryer pizza oven that I bought specifically for meat), but I don't eat meat the rest of the day. That meant that I needed meat towels for the morning (when I made the latkes with scrambled eggs and spinach), and dairy towels for the evening. It's not really a difficult thing, but it takes thought and planning. I'm going to be heading back to work soon, and I am so thankful that I had this rest. I really needed this time to focus on studying Torah, Hebrew, and spend my time connecting with The Creator. Thank you Hashem for this time. Over the past week, even through disappointments and heartbreak, I was able to rest and gain the strength needed to face the world outside of my apartment again. I know some of you have asked how the move went and how I am doing now in a new city. I still hate the city. There are too many cars and the sheer amount of people is still overwhelming. However, I can get to work, to the grocery store, to the pharmacy, to shul, and to friends houses without GPS. I hate driving even there aren't cars on the road, so all the cars and the people do little for helping with that issue. I've done okay financially. I do get paid more here, so that helps. I have paid my rent and bills every month and still have not gone hungry. That was my hope when I moved here, and I have been able to achieve that. I have made more friends since I have been. Work is okay, stressful but it okay and pays the bills. I like that I make a difference, even if it is a small one. I like my apartment a lot. I love the closet space and the sheer size of my bedroom. I got a second (okay third) bookcase and assembled it over the holiday. I now am excited to get a few more books. I have wonderful neighbors. The lady who lives upstairs is from Poland. She is the sweetest person I have ever met and so good to everyone in the building. I am doing well here. My Jewish followers, please join me this Shabbat in lighting candles. I know not all of you are observant (your words, not mine), but the world could use your light this Shabbat. I could use your light this Shabbat. I hope you all have a wonderful weekend and a wonderful Shabbat. |
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