Louisiana Jim

It was a beautiful morning around Yosemite Park. The animals were out and prancing through the forest. Birds were singing in their trees. Clouds danced up high in the sky. And Louisiana Jim saw it all through the skylight of the Yosemite Mall.

In search for a new and better sound system for his den, he had scoured the state only to find the best sales here. "Well," he sighed. "I might as well get this over with." The first step was always the hardest for adventures like he was going to start, but they had to be taken.

For this adventure, everything started with a map. The search for the directory was on. For most malls he visited, the directory was usually not far from a large body of water. Find the water, and you will find the directory.

"Hi." Louisiana looked up from the directory and into the eyes of a young beauty. "Are you a tour guide for the park?"

The woman was shorter than him and a strawberry blond. She would have been pretty if she wasn’t looking at him so strangely. She must have been staring at his hat, vest, and leather boots. Some women just didn’t have any fashion sense. "I’m Jim. Louisiana Jim."

"What? Do you mean like that Indiana J—"

"No! I’m Louisiana Jim. I’m the original explore of strange and unique lands."

The young woman blinked at him, then raised a hand to rub her temple. "Riiiiight. Okay, would you like some help looking around? I work at the Chile’s on the Eastern end of the mall, so I know my way through the mall."

"Are you the bartender or the lounge singer? No, don’t answer that. Why don’t you come with me. I could use a cute dame like you on my crusade."

"Dame? My name isn’t Dame, it’s Olivia. And you—"

Hearing a rustling behind him, Jim tucked Olivia behind him as men and women in tattered clothes appeared form behind the fountain. The strange thing about them was that every article of clothing they wore still had its price tag on.

"Don’t be afraid. I know these people. They’re called the mallborigines. They live in malls across the country. I even hear that there are two tribes fighting each; other at the Mall of America. I’ve spent years learning their language. Let’s see if I can communicate with them."

One of the men wearing a wreath of debit and credit cards stepped forward. "Best Buy Kohls Sears Robinsons May?"

Louisiana Jim cleared his throat to address the mallborigines. "Mervin’s Best Buy JC Penny Baskins Robins Gander Mountain."

The entire group of mallborigines took a step back. "Gander Mountain!" Huddling into a small group, thy moved together to murmur amongst themselves.

Olivia moved closer to Jim. "What was that about?"

"I don’t know. He asked me form where I came from. I told him that I came through Gander Mountain."

"You mean that outdoors shop at the far end of the mall?"

"Yeah, but I don’t know how that would upset them."

Olivia shrugged and the mallborigines turned back to them.

"Walden Starbucks Old Navy Discover Card Super Target."

Jim jumped, nearly bumping into Olivia . "What? What did he say?"

"They’ve named me Big Jim of the Mountain."

"What?"

"Blomingdales Suncoast Sam Goodies Bath and Body Works the Gap Toys R US Office Max Sears "

Olivia shifted her gaze from the mallborigines to Jim. "What did he say?" She sounded more annoyed than before.

Jim ignored her. "TJ Max Roinsons May?"

"Clairs Mervin’s Hot Topic. Barnes and Noble JC Penny Master card Waldens. Bath and Body Works 70% off. Blue light special Marshal Fields Victoria’s Secret."

"Treasure!"

"What?!"

Louisiana Jim wrapped his arm around Olivia ’s waist. "There’s a treasure in Yosemite National Mall."

"You mean National park."

"No, National mall. They said it’s called the Chia Pet™ of Doom."

"You’re not serious?"

"I never joke about the archeological find of the century." Addressing the mallborigines, he bid them a quick good bye then dashed off with Olivia in tow.

The Yosemite National mall was larger than most would expect. Three floors with fifty different stories. The layout was like a maze, but Jim knew where he was going.

Or so he thought.

Two right turns, an escalator, and three food courts later, Olivia tugged on his vest. "Do you even know where you’re going?"

Jim stopped. Looking around, he noticed there was something strange about where he was. Lace and lingerie were laying about everywhere. There was a dash too much pink everywhere he looked, and there wasn’t a man in sight. "Where are we? The land of the Amazons?"

As he asked, a female, monotone voice came over the loud speaker. "Now hear this, now hear this. There is a sale on all negligees. 80% off. Get them while they’re hot!"

Nothing seemed to happen as Jim looked around the lingerie store. Then slowly, he noticed he hangers on one of the racks. Olivia stared at him strangely, but she couldn’t see past the fabulously cut lingerie nightgown to see that the hangers were trembling. Soon, even cosmetic items on shelves started shaking and falling. "What is this," Olivia nearly screamed. "Is it an earthquake?"

"No, worse. Stampede!"

Louisiana Jim leapt into one of the circular racks, pulling Olivia in after him. Before she could protest, the entire store was full of tremors and young women grabbing, screeching, and clucking over the great deals they were finding.

Jim peeked out from behind a wall of G-strings, searching for a way out before any of those beasts found him and ripped him to shreds. Finally, there was an escape rout. Taking hold of Olivia’s hand, he made a mad dash for the exit.

Escaping the savage scene, he collapsed into a mess on the ground. Taking off his Hat, he started fanning himself. Olivia was huffing as well, but still had enough breath to yell at him. "You nearly got us both killed!"

"I hope you picked out something nice. I wouldn’t want all that trouble to go to waste."

Olivia turned a fierce red. As she chewed him out, Jim surveyed the mall. Passing over the wild frenzying women in the boutique, he set his eyes in search of his prize.

There was a book store, a pet store, a coffee shop.....

As he glanced over the Sears entry way, he saw it. In the center of the decorative fountain, just above the highest spray of water, was the Chia Pet™ of Doom. Jim tugged on Olivia’s shirt, for which he received a short, "What do you want?" Only when he pointed in the direction of the Sears store did she fall silent.

Carefully, Louisiana Jim made his way to the fountain. He knew it would be a treacherous climb to reach the top. It was hard enough climbing up something as wet and slimy as the fountain was, but he also had to worry about booby traps. He was sure the mallborigines would have retrieved the Chia Pet™ of Doom if there weren’t any. That why they had called on him to do it.

Finding a hand hold on the second to last water bowl, he pulled himself up until he was eye level with his treasure. The Chia Pet was beautiful. In the shape of a cute little lion, it was sitting on its haunches as it lifted its head in a proud roar. Its tail was wrapped tightly around its back legs with only the furry tassel lifting off the ground. Jim licked his lips, readying to take his prize. "Jim!" Olivia called from down below, "Watch out for the koi!"

Puzzled, Jim took a moment to look down. There, below his feet, was the base pool for the fountain. And in the pool were the biggest koi anyone could ever imagine. They swam around and around in a circle, imitating sharks stalking their prey. Every now and then, one would look up at him with hunger in its eyes.

Jim gulped, then returned to his work.

Slowly, ever so slowly, he started to lift the Chia Pet off its pedestal. When it was fully removed and in his grasp, Jim let loose a breath he didn’t know he had been holding. Gathering his thoughts, he began to make his decent back down the fountain.

"Jim, look out!"

Louisiana Jim made a quick glance at Olivia, then looked down. One by one, the water bowls that he had used to climb to the top were falling off and into the koi infested waters. If he wasn’t careful, the next place for him would be knee deep in murky water with evil demon koi fish biting off his ankles.

As the water bowl he had been standing on gave way, Jim clung desperately to the top pedestal. Through his struggle for dear life, he didn’t notice the Chia Pet™ of Doom was being splashed with water. Slowly, the seeds in the lion’s mane started to sprout. What normally took days for the average Chia Pet™ to grow, this Chia Pet™ grew in a matter of seconds. In minuets, at about the time there were only a few more water bowls left to hold on to, the Chia Pet™ of Doom had woven itself into a very long, very sturdy rope.

With the rope came Jim’s greatest idea. Using the lion’s end, he swung his rope into the air with his free hand. Letting it fly, he watched it as it latched onto one of the ceiling’s support beams much like a grappling hook or a whip would. Just as the rest of the fountain was about to fall into the watery depths of the deadly koi pool, Jim swung away. From its mane, the Chia Pet continued to grow. The rope grew longer and longer. Jim almost swung from one end of the mall to the other.

Seeing the mall fountain and map directory where his adventure started, he let go of the rope, dropping down to land right next to the directory. The same spot where he had first met Olivia.

Remembering Olivia, he looked up to the third floor of the mall, where he had swung down from. The Chia Pet™ of Doom was still hanging on to the support beam. In one hard yank, Jim was able to pull the Chia Pet down, along with pulling off the rope.

"Blue light special Sam Goodies Bath and Body. Suncoast the Gap batteries not included Toys R US. Master Card Sears Office Max."

Jim turned around to meet the tribe of mallborigines. The same tribe who had told him about the Chia Pet™ of Doom in the first place. "Wow. There must be a major glitch in the system, because this is some mega deja vu."

"Jiiiiim!"

Olivia came running from around the corner with a bag in one hand. When she came up to him Jim moved to kiss her, but she placed her hand out to block him. "Oh no you don’t. Look, I’ve already got a boyfriend, but I think it’s sweet that you want me to be your female love interest for the day. So I got you this while you were doing your Tarzan impression."

From her bag, Olivia pulled out what looked to be a Barbie doll dressed up in a bunny rabbit suit. "Here ya go. It’s playmate Barbie." Just then, she noticed him holding the Chia Pet™ of Doom. "So what are you going to do with that doom thing?"

"Doom thing? Oh, you mean this. Well the leaders of the mallborigines just told me I got it all wrong. It isn’t the Chia Pet™ of Doom. It’s the Chia Pet™ of the Loom. That’s why it made that long rope."

Olivia raised one eyebrow. "Okay. Right. Well then, it’s been swell, but it’s almost time for my shift at Chile’s. Stop in anytime."

With a wave and a hand shake, she walked away from him. Before she turned down into another section of the mall, she blew him a kiss good bye. Then she was gone from his life forever.

Jim didn’t seem to mind. Adventuring would always be his one true love. So he handed the Chia Pet™ of the Loom over to the mallborigines. They would know how to take good care of it, and only use its powers for good.

And that is the tale of the great adventurer, Louisiana Jim. With a tip of his hat, he jumped onto his horse and started off into the sunset, never to be seen again.

"Mommy, why doesn’t that guy put a quarter in the pony?"

"Don’t bother the nice man, dear."