Letter to my mother

December 28, 2008

Dear Mom

I have never been able to open up to you because I have never wanted to hurt you.  I could see the pain in your eyes that dad caused so many times.  I do not remember you getting hit by dad, but I do remember the tears from dad’s words.  I remember dad leaving the house with a gun in his hand and you holding his leg to stop him from leaving.

Mom I know that we have caused you a lot of pain, and that my wanting money so much really breaks your heart.  One of the reasons that I moved as far as I have is so that the world would be better for you.  I don’t know how to make things better for either of us, but I tried.

Mom, if anything I could wish for is that for once in your life that you would be happy.  I want you to know if I journey from this world, I could not have had a better mother than you.

I am sorry for any tears that I have caused you, and sorry for venting my leaving thoughts on you sometimes.  I know that it hurts you to think that I don’t want to live, and I am sorry.  I have no business to put this stuff on your shoulders with all the stuff that has been shoveled on you in your life time.

I have inherited depression, and the effects of the world has made it worst sometimes. I am still the little that lived at home, and I am still looking for who I am.

If I go away, I want you to know that I am sorry for being so distant.  Please know that I love you.

I love you forever.

Ida