This is a good story and very well written. I have no improvements to suggest, other than you should keep writing and publish an anthology. This is one of the few stories where all the main characters get what they deserve, and it's the 'deserve' portion that makes the story unusual. Good work.
If you took some instruction on English grammar, you'd do better. Unless you're trying to create some sort of avant-garde story or possibly using your short story to illustrate some obscure style, your story needs extensive editing. Fix the glaring grammatical errors before you show it to everyone else.
Okay, I'm envious. It takes a lot to make me envious these days. I don't read children's literature very often; what I do read I'm disappointed in - modern writers have very little of the good old imagination that created The Wizard of Oz, Peter Pan and the like. You obviously have more than your share of that good old stuff, and now you're getting around to using it. See if you can find an illustrator that's as talented as you are and publish your works. The kids will thank you for it.
This is quite a nice story. The style is unique, which is refreshing. I'd like to see a few other short stories along the same lines.
The point about being ignored or taken for granted is well placed, and the only thing I might change was the explanation in the final few lines. If the reader hasn't concluded these points, why spell it out?
This is an excellent story. It's nicely written and edited well enough for publication. I particularly liked the pacing here. The story moves right along at a fairly even pace which I find refreshing. I also enjoyed the situation in the beginning with the troll and the sack. I was expecting Will to cut a slit in the bag and escape, and I was pleased when he didn't.
Not bad. You're using the wrong word here, "he ended up loosing it"; should be 'losing it'.
Tell the story in the present tense instead of the past, and lose the passive voice. Also, most hunting takes place in the fall when the weather is cold and there's snow on the ground. Certainly that's when deer hunting takes place - unless the man is poaching.
I like the ending a lot, but the hunter faces no moral challenge before his failure. If he had some moral violation (poaching maybe?) the story would hold together a lot better.
This is a good story. You've got the beginning nailed down just right. The section dealing with life in the cube, the obnoxious co-worker (team lead, maybe?) and the arrogant boss is good, but not quite as good as the beginning. The weak spot is the elevator. The lights out and distorted voice have been done to death. Give it something new. Maybe the voice speaks in a normal tone as the elevator takes Bill up, and stops just when the door opens. Maybe the door is a little late opening so the voice can finish a sentence.
Our protagonist has an innate sense of rhythm, which is very hard to explain to most people. It comes under the heading of being able to hear something others can't - how is it you can't hear the beat? How can you NOT hear it? The man might be a composer with an unfinished symphony that he now is able to finish.
I really like the story and I hope you'll rework the elevator scene, but the story is good as it stands.
This is a good beginning, but it needs some editing for grammatical errors and for clarity. The protagonist has a portentous dream sequence, which is clear. When the protagonist wakes up she overhears an argument among the elders; the argument isn't all that clear. I'd expand the elder's dialog to about twice or three times the current size. You can tell your audience a lot about the world situation by having the elders discuss it with relation to history.
My willing suspension of disbelief snapped in the first two sentences. Sheriff Sonny Brown is supposed to be in charge, yet does not speak like a leader, particularly like a military leader. Our police in the US are highly militarized, particularly SWAT teams which I suppose this is. Unless this is an incompetent SWAT team, they will do things in an organized, military fashion. Now, if the team is incompetent, make sure the reader knows that and knows why.
Between the ear plugs and the ringing in your ears, hearing much of anything after shooting isn't possible, particularly the cocking of a hammer. I'd let this mistake pass if not for the ending. The deputy freezes when he should be moving, and unless there's a hugely good reason he's frozen in place his very first action is to bring the muzzle of his shotgun around and empty the magazine into the enemy. When the smoke clears, whoever is standing, wins.
You have the skill set to write. Write about things you know something about, or if you must write about gun fights go and play some paintball for a few weeks, then interview a few LEOs. Then write about it.
I suppose the success of this poem depends on what you're trying to achieve. Taking the poem as a whole, I assume that you're trying to convey some very intense emotions to the reader, and the poem really doesn't succeed at that. While I wouldn't call it completely vapid, it lacks life. I suggest you change a few words around to add some fire to your work.
The thoughts here are good, and I hope you'll keep working on it.
The phrase, 'born to go postal' comes to mind. I wouldn't call this religious suppression; it's more like abuse of authority. The protagonist is a born victim, for whatever reason. The part of the story that needs some clarification is the ending. Does he in fact go postal? Who does he manage to take out? These things matter.
The story needs polishing, but it's otherwise good.
It's a good story and it shows a lot of promise. Here are a few suggestions:
Fix the roach comment. It's stilted. "...looked at him like a cockroach crawling up the wall." might work. Something like that, with common English usage.
Develop the story more. The detective sees an article in the newspaper and decides to investigate doesn't cut it. His work load is already high, he doesn't need more work; he needs less.
Your villain is a real black widow. Give her a string of bad luck; father dead, mother dead, husband dead and now an infant child dead. All insured, of course. This person wouldn't open a boutique, but she might open a high dollar restaurant. Something like that. She might have to sue the insurance company to get a full payout on a brand new policy. That might attract the detective's attention.
You're a good writer, but I get the feeling that this is a longer story than you intended to write. It feels like a novel to me that got compressed into a short story. You think?
Fix the first line: resonds
You have some great lines here. Lines 3 and 4 are excellent - succinct, although you might eliminate 'so'.
Line 6 is a cliche. Find something else.
Lines 7, 8, 9 and 10 are excellent.
In the second stanza, get something else for God, Satan, etc. It's been done to death. Leave the evangelical predator, which is really good.
The last three lines make for an excellent ending.
This one should be rewritten and published.
The idea is okay, the execution - not so much. The first difficulty is that although you might know how you want the story to go, you aren't sure how to get it there. Your plot doesn't survive, so to speak. The second difficulty is that men don't think the way your man does. Your man is thinking like a girl, noticing eyes, cloudy expressions, etc. Fix these and you might have a winner.
Well, at least you're prolific. I think you might want to rewrite this for consistency and brevity. My impression is that you're having trouble expressing yourself clearly, part of which is due to your use of a style that you may not be all that familiar or comfortable with.
This isn't too bad for a love poem; most tend to drip syrup all over the table. I'd encourage you to keep writing.
This is an excellent story. The pacing and plot are solid, and the characters are well drawn. I hope you submit this one for publication.
About halfway through I was expecting this to turn into a horror story of some kind. I expect you still could do so if the demand were there - what's in the coffin, anyway?
This is very good stuff. I particularly like the timing of the story. Far too many writers are impatient to get to the point, and so rush things along when they shouldn't. This story develops very nicely on its own.
I suppose if I had to suggest an improvement, it would be the next to the last sentence. You have "He didn't even have time to scream as the blackened appendage...", which I might change to "He didn't even have time to scream when the blackened appendage..." - the 'as' changes to a 'when'. It seems like it might read a little better.
Your story is an enjoyable read and certainly worthy of publication.
Unrequited love is a bore. It's been done to death by everyone who has discovered the secret to writing in iambic pentameter. All that said, your effort is better than most.
I'd suggest a rewrite, getting rid of the cliches and rewriting a few lines. "I can’t contain myself I really want to scream," is not the best line here; obviously you can contain yourself, otherwise you'd be screaming. Also, this line is one of the very worst cliches since Edward Bulwer-Lytton wrote about the dark and stormy night. You can do a lot better than that.
This is pretty well written. There are three problems that I see happening. One, you're rushing the story and you definitely should not do that. I already know who Xavier is; I don't need hints or early tattle tale signs of strangeness and neither does E. She's smart, she'll figure things out later on. Two, do you have any idea how much a private jet costs of operate, let alone own? Anyone whose family owns a private plane, let alone a jet, is not going to be working at anything even close to a clerk in a bookstore. The two things are mutually exclusive. Ditch the jet or put Xavier in a very high end antique store as a buyer - something along that line.
Three, your protagonist says she and her single mom are broke all the time, yet she has her own car, which means insurance, gas, repairs, etc. If she's broke, make her broke. Let her ride a bicycle or maybe a Vespa scooter.
Your protagonist is well defined, but she's telling Xavier too much about her feelings. She'll act on her feelings, blurt things out that she regrets, but I don't see her as the type to start hitting Xavier with all this love business even if she means it.
The descriptions match pretty well. There's some confusion near the end of the brawl, as Jack doesn't describe anything but Silom does. There isn't much question about what is going on. The action is described accurately and I was able to follow it easily.
The problem is not in the description. The problem I have is with the action itself. My willing suspension of disbelief stopped with Silom's point of view. If Silom is good enough to fight and defeat eight of anything, he's got to be on a level with Conan the Barbarian (Robert Howard). He isn't. He doesn't even consider himself a particularly great fighter. Making the enemy weaker (a bunch of farm boys) doesn't serve to make him stronger. Either craft him as a hero or rewrite the fight for more realism. Case in point, chain mail does a great job against edged weapons. It's also fiendishly expensive, and any government that can equip farm boys with chain mail is going to starve to death because there won't be money for anything else. Another thing is that the farm boys are impressed into service; not pressed. Grapes get pressed, not boys.
This isn't bad writing; it's a bad plot. Fix the plot and you'll have something worth selling.
I suggest you study the soliloquy from Hamlet, "To be or not to be", then try a rewrite. The theme of the darkness inside has been done to death (pun intended) but that shouldn't slow you down as you're beginning to handle it pretty well. Try discovering the source of the darkness, and make it clearer that sleep brings only a temporary surcease.
Excellent! I was prepared for the kids to find a unicorn, and I still found the story a good read. This is a great example of short fiction, and you should publish. If you can produce one story of this genre, length and quality every day for a year, you'll have a bestseller in the form of children's bedtime stories.
Very nicely done. I have often suggested that people turn to the Lord when they have no where else to go, and I expect that many people have started a brand new life as a result of turning to the Lord for help.
The only thing I would add to this is that your missive is written for the adult believer, but it could easily be modified to appeal to everyone. That's something you might consider for the future.
The first two lines remind me of an early Big Rude Jake (the sun comes up like stink off a dumpster, etc.). Being coiled on the horizon puts me in mind of a real scorcher during summer, with triple digit temperatures an hour after sunup. The third line doesn't fit as well as it might, as the sun does not represent death. The fourth line is good.
This is a very rare poem in that it's high quality and very readable. Congratulations on a good job.
All Writing.Com images are copyrighted and may not be copied / modified in any way. All other brand names & trademarks are owned by their respective companies.
Generated in 0.08 seconds at 9:14pm on Nov 15, 2024 via server WEBX1.
View Portfolio
Visit Notebook
Send Gift Points
Awards
Badges
Send Email
Community Newsfeed
General Discussion
Sponsored Items
Book of Trinkets
Static Items
Books
Groups
Interactive Stories
Audio
Campfire Creatives
Community Notes
Crossword Puzzles
Documents
Folders
Images
In & Outs
Madlibs
Photo Albums
Polls
Product Reviews
Quizzes
Survey Forms
Web Pages
Word Searches
