Okay, there's a few problems here. One, that isn't Snape. Snape is a lot of things, but he isn't the sort to express any tenderness to anyone. No way, no how. Two, I remember a Tom Riddle, not an Alexis. The association to Tom is not good for obvious reasons.
This is a good scene, but the characters are wrong. Substitute someone else for Snape and change the name from Riddle to someone else. She's very likely meeting a graduate student, an older boy who's at Hogwarts for some unknown reason.
"Only it is that I love this feeling." Fix this sentence. Otherwise, this is really good stuff. Clearly the man is not mentally ill, is the sense of being schizophrenic or paranoid, nor does he suffer delusions. That's what makes this a particularly good paragraph.
I like the way a competitor occurs to him, although I think you might eliminate the "Yeah, right." as we've already got a good handle on that.
This is full of errors, both in grammar and punctuation. For example, the terms 'granddaughter' and 'lad' are mutually exclusive due to gender. Another instance is ending a sentence with a comma, when every sentence should end with a period.
There is no such thing as an 'elder character home'. I have no idea what you're trying to say here, but that phrase is nonsense.
You'll probably have some success in learning the English language if you read good literature. Try a few classics, such as Twain or Stevenson.
The ideas here are solid. The beginning paragraph is very good, but there's no real follow up to it. Too bad, to. I suggest you run a spelling and grammar check on your work prior to posting it. In this case, there are several common errors that could be fixed very easily, and that a grammar checker would catch. After that, smooth out the action a little and be selective about the explanations you choose to write. Some events do not need any explanation at all, while others require one to three concise paragraphs.
You can begin by correcting the spelling and grammar. After that, tell the committee your story of personal salvation. Just from reading what you have here, I don't know if you're a Christian or not - I suspect you are, but I don't know. Say something about your doctrinal beliefs, your choice in music, your preferred version of the Bible and, perhaps most importantly, just how and when you were called to serve the Lord.
This is poorly written, and if you actually are being called to serve the Lord you should, in my opinion, rewrite it completely. While you're rewriting, take a hard look at your own pride and how you as a Christian should be responding to criticism.
I'm familiar with domestic violence and with ongoing abuse. It's obvious that you have a lot of emotion wrapped up in these few paragraphs, which I presume describes a personal experience. I'd encourage you to polish this up a little, then put it aside for a few weeks and come back to it. Take a more objective look at your work and rewrite it for clarity, taking care not to lose the emotions. This is good writing, and you should continue.
This is a good story. I particularly like the concise style you have; omitting details that detract from the action is something that few people are able to do. I suggest that you polish it a little, breaking it into paragraphs, that sort of thing. Otherwise it's quite good.
It's too gushy and namby-pamby. This sounds like it was written by a barely pubescent girl who is full of herself and reads too much Rod McKuen, and who damn sure has never in her life been more than 50 yards away from a flush toilet.
Grow a pair. Go date a stripper for six months and take her to your junior prom. Buy a motorcycle and take it up over 100 in the middle of the night.
The good news is that you are able to write. Most people can't. The bad news is that you're wasting your time writing drivel when you could be writing something real.
Get rid of the word 'grotty'. It's modern slang and it detracts from the rest of the prose.
Run a spell checker and fix the typos before you post your work for review.
The style is consistent throughout, which is really, really refreshing. The action is clear and the setting is described vividly enough to make me get up and wash my hands.
My only criticism is this: Our protagonist needs the help and cooperation of the gardener, a thoroughly detestable man. He's bribed the gardener, promising payment later on. Okay, the gardener isn't too bright - or is he? He's familiar with the word 'coup', which is surprising to our hero. That means that the gardener bears watching by me, the reader, in the future. The gardener may well be up to no good. Then Our Hero screws up. He threatens the gardener with execution if he's successful. Our Hero is smarter than that.
This is great stuff and a real pleasure to read. It's easily publishable.
I don't believe the character Manin. His dedication to teaching and his attention to all his students strains my willing suspension past the breaking point. The other characters need to be fleshed out a little and have different motivations. Kelly is good, but she does too much talking and participates too much if she's normally quiet, which she would be. Moreover, if Kelly is well above average she probably has stumbled across the technique of hiding in the middle of the herd. Since failing gets her unwanted attention, Kelly should succeed just enough to finish in the middle of the pack.
The ideas in the story are solid. The piece needs a little polishing and the action should be clearer, unless this scene has been repeated earlier in the work.
This is a good short, but it needs polishing. Get rid of the typos and clarify the action at the end a little better.
Peter is a real grandstanding sort, the kind that wants to be the center of attention. He's able to sort his feelings out and label them, which is no surprise. Stacy has trouble dealing with her feelings which is an odd problem for a woman to have. She is also impulsive, which is typical. Some explanation is needed as to just why she'd get married to a one man circus and then, without a series of fights or discussions, file for divorce right out of the blue. In reality, this would indicate that there's another man involved. In fiction, who knows? But there must be a two or three line reason.
Dramatize the ending a little better and cut the paper to one line. The image is very effective, but when you devote multiple lines to something like this you detract.
Why doesn't she know? This is never resolved - so, either resolve it somehow or get rid of it. Given the length of the story, we don't need to know why she's in a forest so much as we need resolution as to why she doesn't know.
"Maybe in a forest? There's lots of trees which makes the sunlight seem invisible."
What do you mean, maybe? Unless she's somewhere else, like a botanical garden maybe, the forest is obvious. Don't state the obvious.
You've got a few very nice points here. The two girls have something to talk about and each comes to a resolution. The ending is excellent. Clean the story up and publish.
"I was a girl of thirteen..." should read "I am a girl of thirteen...". It's all in the tense.
This is well written. The event with the paper seems real. My only other thought is that the thought process is too mature for a 13 year old. Most teens can't put labels on their emotions.
This is good stuff. The only line I'd change is here:
I printed some pages to show Adam and Anna who knew what.
Change it for clarity, as I don't know what's going on. You might also consider changing names for Adam or Anna as they both begin with the letter 'A' - unless that's by design.
The actions and situation seem realistic to me. The protagonist is intelligent, it's likely the detractors are not.
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