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Printed from https://writing.com/main/profile/reviews/turps
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9 Public Reviews Given
70 Total Reviews Given
Public Reviews
1
1
Review by turps Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (3.0)
Hi KN,
i see you just joined WDC. I hope it brings enjoyment.
Some thoughts on your poem.
Your metaphor is not the petal, but the rose (symbol of love) and the thorns (symbol of impediment to that love).
Use that as your theme for the entire piece.
Rework the poem as a free-verse, and let your emotions flow into the words. That way you can forget about line-length, rhyme, verses - in fact any form of structure: your poem will become a stream of consciousness which explores the turmoil and grief of loss.
Avoid too many distracting images like cliffs, etc., which detract from/take you from, your central metaphor.
Finally, treat what you write as a "work in progress" - feel free to edit/re-work/revise.
Keep at it! The fulfilment it brings as you refine your craft will be immense.
All the best.
Turps.
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Review by turps Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Hi Cinder,
I've just read your very personal response to your friend's cancer. Very touching.
Let me briefly share my own experience with you...
My 32 year old son (father of my two granddaughters) was diagnosed with lymphoma earlier this year: out of nowhere,; striking a fit non-smoking, clean-living young man. It was a huge shock. He began chemo on Good Friday. It was an aggressive and advanced cancer (liver, pancreas, kidneys and lung) but this was a "good" thing, so the doctors said, as that sort responds well to treatment. Sixteen weeks later, chemo finished and then 20 doses of radiation began on the small lung spot remaining.
The year, in retrospect, seems like a hideous, blurred dream. But he's come through it well and looks and feels graet.
Personally, I felt unable to comprehend or cope. So I read Lance Armstrong's autobiography and talked to recovered sufferers and made my thoughts go positive. I also wrote: a few of my responses are in my portfolio, if you'd like to read them. (Those entitled "Cancer" were written about a mate up at the golf club - he's still with us! The sonnet on skin cancer is about me. "Lymphoma" is about Justin.) Perhaps "The Kookaburra" is most pertinent: I have a faith in spiritual existance and my Dad (gone 20 years) is around still in the birds. The events of this poem are true. And they helped reinforce my hope and will. Be open to the faith and strength that surround you and your friend. You will both prevail.
Yours faithfully,
Turps
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Review by turps Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (5.0)
hi again emily,
i went back to your portfolio and noticed you've only just joined this writers' club! (Only joined myself in july).
this one is genuinely brilliant. i write a lot myself and teach senior english in australia (presume you're on the other side of the world).
you take the reader through a journey of uncertainty and reflection. i especially love the interjection (hey there beautiful). a new year wish! does anyone know what's going on? and the fireworks in your heart is an image to blow our comfortable acceptance of life and the passing years out of the water. they don't know what we must leave behind.
you are a wonderful writer! please keep adding to your portfolio. i will check each day.
regards from the gold coast,
turps
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