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for entry "Nuance" Open in new Window.
Review by Sumojo Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with disABILITY WRITERS GROUP  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hi, I enjoyed reading your poem very much. Good use of the prompted words.
I really like the line The last time for a first sweet kiss. There is nothing as beautiful and perfect as the first kiss and it’s true a first kiss can never be repeated.
The line The nuanceof body language needs a space between nuance and of.
Thank you for sharing this sweet poem.
Sue


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Review of The Painting  Open in new Window.
Review by Sumojo Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: ASR | (3.5)
Hello, let me be one of the first to welcome you to WdC. I hope you enjoy your time here and receive lots of reviews of your stories and poems.
Reviewing is one way we can help each other to improve our writing skills with positive and helpful critiques

I enjoyed reading your story ‘The painting’, although future it would better to space out your work so it’s easier to read and perhaps use a larger font for those whose eyesight isn’t what it used to be.

The words flowed well and you had some great descriptions there. You described the painting very well, I could almost see the old man’s face and steely gaze.

One thing I noticed was the lack of contractions in your speech. Writing as people really speak and using I’m, didn’t, can’t, etc instead of the more formal, I am, did not, can not, tends to make the narrative more natural and believable.

You have a great imagination and a way with words. Enjoy WdC and keep on writing.
Sue.


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Review by Sumojo Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: E | (5.0)
Hi, Jeff, that certainly is a great opening line for a book. The novel could be titled: A Portal to Other Worlds.

When the boy flung open the door, he didn’t find his ordinary street but a swirling portal of stars and planets. He steps through, entering a magical universe.

Where it goes from here takes a little more imagination than I sadly possess. Inventing and building new worlds takes a special interest in fantasy, a genre I’ve never attempted. However I look forward to reading Jeff’s latest fantasy novel.
Sue


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Review of Don't Bother Me  Open in new Window.
Review by Sumojo Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with disABILITY WRITERS GROUP  Open in new Window.
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
Hi, Eric, I’m still smiling ten minutes after I read this story. I have a hatred of flies. In Australia there are often a plague of the things once the weather begins to warm up after the Winter. On really hot days it’s a fight to get into house. There’ll be hundreds on the screen door just waiting to come inside to the air conditioning. There are many tactics we use in attempting to gain access without bring in a hundred or so of these intruders attached to one’s clothing or hat!

So having explained my dislike of flies, I must applaud your character’s many attempts to win the battle, although setting the house and himself on fire did seem a little extreme.

I can imagine the poor man’s ire when discovering the fly had not only accompanied him to hospital, it had realised his opponent was at a certain disadvantage. Having no free arms to at the least shoo it away, or even better, flatten it for eternity, the patient had to suffer the indignity of having the fly settle on his nose!
No wonder he lost all will to live.
Great story. Thanks for sharing.
Sue


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Review of Edge of Space  Open in new Window.
Review by Sumojo Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with disABILITY WRITERS GROUP  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hello, I’m returning the favour and visiting your portfolio today.

I wondered about the machine you mentioned in your piece and was transported back to July 1969. Was this the Neil Armstrong experience?

Although the moon is within a relatively easy grasp these days, back then the first man on the moon must have had thoughts similar to your little story. Did he feel as if he could well be God there? After all he was there first.

Future space exploration will perhaps find planets such as our Earth. If by some miracle there were living creatures who call that place home, your last line would no doubt be his answer to the question, ‘where have you come from?’
A beautifully written piece of thoughtful prose. Thank you for sharing.
Sue


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Review of Talking the Talk  Open in new Window.
Review by Sumojo Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with disABILITY WRITERS GROUP  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hi, Jacky, this story came up on Read and Review and it made me smile.
The reason I smiled was probably because there was a little of myself in the protagonist. I don’t think I’ve gone down hill so far as to apologise to a sponge but I’ve certainly been known to swear at inanimate objects.

Rattling around alone in a big house can certainly send one a little round the bend. Human beings are social animals and need others to interact with. Perhaps he/she should get another dog. I have great conversations with our dog and she appears to agree with everything I say.

Though, not fond of the amount of work, I’ve read, to get a house ready to sell. But the biggest issue is the talking. I found these two sentences a little clunky. Neither sentence seems to be a complete sentence. Perhaps you could find a way of combining the two? Suggestion: I’ve read it takes work to sell a house, which I’m not fond of, but it’s talking to people, that’s the issue.

Thanks for sharing this slice of life.
Sue


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for entry "Energy Usage" Open in new Window.
Review by Sumojo Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
I’m reviewing this eight liner as part of I Write in 24.
The prompt is as usual very cryptic. It could have meant so many things. You chose to go down the energy from the humble battery.

What a great feeling it is to have new batteries in anything. It gives one a secure feeling. It seems as if you are referencing a gaming device in the poem. Even those headphones you’re using needs batteries or at least several hours to recharge, and I can sense the frustration you might feel when the batteries run out in the middle of a game.
These days though it seems everything is reliant on batteries, even our cars but especially our phones and devices.
In the second stanza, the line: Until it needs charged I think the last word need to be, charging.
At home in the kitchen we have, or should I say he has, a drawer especially for batteries. That’s not to say they’re all viable, but one never knows “there may be some life left in them.”
Thanks for your poem, you certainly Expressed it in Eight.


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Review of The Passenger  Open in new Window.
Review by Sumojo Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
. . . Jeremy Author Icon Hi Amy, this is the perfect horror story. The characters are clearly painted, each distinct from the other.
There is a foreshadowing of something unsettling to come as John hesitates to get on the night train.
My heart sank when the lights went out and wondered what terrible fate was in store for John, and then, when the lights came back on, a scene of nightmares was laid out before the reader.
It then became obvious John was on the last train, the train to either heaven, hell, or perhaps to another life, condemned to catching this train night after night for eternity.
I love writing horror stories and I wished I’d written this!
Sue


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Review by Sumojo Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: E | (4.5)
Hi, I found this story on Read and Review. The first paragraph caught my eye. A good start because it made me want to keep reading.

It’s a story of sliding doors in as much as one tiny thing can change the trajectory of your life in an instant. I’m sure we all consider what might have been if we’d taken a different path. We might not have even met that person with whom we end up living with for the rest of our life.

Life is so unpredictable that planning seems almost a waste of time. Is it fate? Who knows? No one.

You told the series of events of that fateful day very clearly and precisely. What could anyone have done differently to change the ending and which parts of the event? Maybe if you hadn’t stopped to pick up the dry cleaning or if it hadn’t begun to snow, the day would have unfolded differently. If you hadn’t screamed a warning, Bob may have been killed. If the driver had been delayed in his journey by just a few seconds he might not have hit that patch of ice and continued on his way oblivious of what could have been. Then none of you would have ever known what almost happened. Then of course this story would never have been written.

Thank you for reminding me of the fragility and the mystery of all our lives. Great story.

Sue.


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Review by Sumojo Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: E | (4.5)
Hi, I’m reviewing your poem as next in line at I Write.
I love reading about new to me poem forms. You made a great job of following the guidelines of the Aes Freslighe poetry form.
The syllable count was the trickiest part of the challenge, I thought, and you managed it perfectly.
I hope you and your family weren’t in the path of the Hurricane and you are all safe.
The second stanza was my favourite:
Without power electric
Light from candles casts shadows
Raindrops make sounds harmonic
Do what darkness will allow.
I noticed you didn’t use punctuation, and that is your choice in poetry, but I always find punctuation is useful and makes the reading of the poem easier.
I loved the poem. Thank you for sharing.
Sue


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Review of A conversation  Open in new Window.
Review by Sumojo Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with disABILITY WRITERS GROUP  Open in new Window.
Rated: ASR | (5.0)
Hi, Lizzie, as a fellow entrant In last months Dialogue 500, I must applaud you on your excellent dialogue. The prompt was as usual quite inventive and I loved your take on it.
This paragraph alone was worth the first prize. You ask too many questions? You are just overwhelmed and in awe of my majestic presence. Anyway where were we? Oh yes, the demons in your garden. You will capture a demon per gnome and transfer that gnome to the doorstep of the FBI so that they can call the one you know as Will Smith to send him back to the dark lord using a ray gun specifically designed for this purpose. When all the demons are caught, and delivered, you will proclaim your birthright to the head of the FBI as the true messiah of the free world and demand that you are placed in a castle that reaches the sky so that you can rule over heaven and earth with me at your side.’ A writer needs a good imagination and you have one in spades. I loved the gnomes standing guard and capturing demons.

I don’t know what sort of medication would cause the poor guy to have such delusional thoughts but that was some fantasy ride.
I hope you keep writing gems like this.
Sue


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Review of The House of Dunn  Open in new Window.
Review by Sumojo Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
Hello, I read your story because you’d entered it in the Horror Writing Contest and I love both reading and writing horror stories.

I didn’t know for sure if the first paragraph was about a real event and real people, but I suspect it was. In that case you did a good job writing a story using a factual story and expanding it into a fictional one.

I liked how you started the story with the crow shrieking, a forewarning of dark things to come. I enjoyed the juxtaposition of the comedic paragraphs, when Frank is startled by the crow, and the horror aspect of the story.

While Frank was running the cables from the X-cam to the monitor, he heard the Ovulus chime out "Fàilte". What did that mean? It certainly wasn't English. This paragraph needs a little more clarity for the reader. What is an Ovulus? Also the meaning of the word “Failte”.

The story is a mixture of genres. Humour, starting with the banter between Frank and Carl, and mystery from the unsolved fates of all the Dunn family, and abject horror when the guys are pecked to death by the crows. It ends with macabre humour at the end with Dunn’s final remarks.

After pausing the recording went through the crumbling stone and wrought iron gate A comma is needed after pausing

Thank you for sharing this story of horror. I hope you do well in the contest although Steven is a hard judge.




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for entry "Quest" Open in new Window.
Review by Sumojo Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with disABILITY WRITERS GROUP  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hi, Carly, it’s always a pleasure to review your stories.
I liked this eight line poem which attempts to explain the meaning of the word Quest.
You’re right, Quest is a simple word but the meaning can be a request or a challenge to attempt something difficult or even life changing.

As children we were all excited to see a hero in a fairy story attempt to complete a quest. Often the quest usually involved danger. It might have been to find a way to save the love of his life, or to fight a mighty dragon. Quests these days don’t ask you to do those things but they are often more personal. Now one can go on a quest to be famous, or travel, or simply a quest for better health.
Whatever your quest might be, Carly, I hope you succeed and complete it.
Sue


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Review of Unicorns and Luck  Open in new Window.
Review by Sumojo Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with disABILITY WRITERS GROUP  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hello again, I am reviewing this story as next in line at I Write in 24.
Thank you for sharing this delightful children’s story, which was written for the writing.com birthday celebrations. I found it easy to read and quite whimsical.

There were a few grammatical errors, mostly commas which made me stumble a little.
the trees around him moved clearing a path.comma needed after moved.

Similar to rabbits, us unicorns can adjust our appearance to blend in? We unicorns sounds better.

Troy smiled. "For Unicorns creating Rainbows is one of our specialties." He stomped his hoof and a rainbow trail appeared. The two of them followed it eventually coming to what looked like a jug full of gold. At first it looked like the gold was unguarded but as Skip reached for one of gold coins. He felt a pain in his paw and a miniature man dressed in green appeared in front of him holding a wooden stick

You have written ‘looked like’ twice in this paragraph, perhaps substitute another phrase for one of them.

We don't want your gold Leprechaun!" Troy told him. comma need after gold.

Sometimes you have used a capital L for leprechaun and others lower case. I believe it should be lower case.
Once again the pair were faced with the harsh winds as they approached the burrow but this time as Troy galloped towards it, the coin skip was holding began to glow. The two felt a warm aura around them and Troy was able to gallop across the burrow. Everywhere he stepped winter seemed to end around him and the warmth began to spread restoring magic across the forest.

In this paragraph, the coin skip was holding… capitalise Skip. Comma after stepped.and spread.

Thanks again for sharing this sweet story of Skip’s adventure.
Sue


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for entry "Past to Present" Open in new Window.
Review by Sumojo Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Hello, Elizabeth, I’ve not read anything of yours for what seems ages. Perhaps it’s just I’ve managed to miss your entries or comments. Hope you’re well.

It seems to me after I read this reflective piece you’re feeling a little bereft now the girls have both left. I used to enjoy reading your blog when they were both at home.
What you’re feeling is very normal. I certainly looked back at the crazy family years once the children all left, and suddenly there we were back where we started, just the two of us.
I’m sure your daughters miss you too and wouldn’t have chosen to have their childhood any differently to what it was.
Why do I wallow in the past. Because I want to make things right Oh my! That thought of “I should have done better!” I think it’s a mother’s mantra. That same thought went around in my head too. We did the best we could at the time, Elizabeth, there’s no going back and by hankering after what’s gone we can’t enjoy what’s to come.
How fortunate are we to be able to write down what’s bothering us, in the way you have done. It clarifies, make sense of the same revolving thoughts.
I loved the honesty in the poem and also the resolve to get on with yours and your husbands’ lives.
Thank you for sharing this personal piece.
Sue


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Review by Sumojo Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: E | (4.5)
Hi, Glenny, I loved this story of a lifelong friendship. I understand your feelings of loss even though it was expected. As we grow old in years in our minds we’re still that six year old making friends with someone who is to be a person who is going on the same journey throughout the years allotted to us. So of course the death of that person is going to be a reminder of our own mortality.
When you mentioned Guy Fawkes Day I thought of England. I lived in the UK for the first 28 years of my life. Guy Fawkes night also holds great memories for me.

The polio epidemic was a terrifying time. There was no cure and so many children died or suffered from the illness for their lifetime.
Your friend was a very brave and strong person, determined to live her life fully.

I loved the quote from Tolkien. I hear myself bemoaning the times in which we live, but from this day on I’ll do my very best to fill each day with purpose .
Thanks for sharing this personal story.
Sue


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Review by Sumojo Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with I Write  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hi, I’m reviewing this poem as next in line at I Write in 24.

This activity is one of my favourites. Express it Eight, it sounds easy to do, and sometimes it come easily, other times it can be a struggle to express what needs to be said in such a constrained and restricted way.

Adamant. An interesting prompt. One which you successfully achieved.
The gif is a perfect addition. The character appears to be on a mission and nothing will get in his way.
There are people in this world who stick to their guns and nothing will persuade them to either change their minds or even see another way or someone else’s point of view. They are right, they are sure, they are ADAMANT.
The second stanza is something I ought to have on my fridge to remind me not to give up. Whether it’s a plan to get fit, lose weight, or finish that story I began to write last year!

Retreat is not an option.
Wrong or right
My path is set...
And I'll keep going till the end.

Thank you for sharing this inspiring poem.
Sue


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Review of Joyful Butterfly  Open in new Window.
Review by Sumojo Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with disABILITY WRITERS GROUP  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hi, Jo, as promised I paid a visit to your portfolio and found to my delight your beautiful poetry. I read each one in awe of your talent. You selected each word perfectly. I enjoyed all of the poems equally. However this one painted such a beautiful picture in my mind I needed to send you my thoughts.

The first couple of stanzas portrayed concern and worry. I wondered why the angler was feeling so down about not catching a rainbow trout for his supper. (After all they are slippery creatures.)

It is as if the poem then takes a different, lighter feeling once through the overhanging branches and the writer sees the beauty in a day previously so filled with concern and worry.

A cloud of yellow butterflies, children playing, the sounds of laughter and joy. Suddenly the day is transformed , worry about the upcoming surgery dissipates and all is well.

Jo, thank you so much for starting my day on such a joyful note.
Sue


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Review by Sumojo Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with I Write  Open in new Window.
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
Well, Jeff, that was the best laugh I’ve ever had here at WdC. In fact I don’t think I’ve read anything before which raised more than a wry smile.

I actually was ignorant of many of the references, not being a fan of the superhero genre. And do you know what? It didn’t matter!
The videos were great and enhanced the story, made it even more enjoyable, and very cleverly done I might add.

There were so many clever, amusing lines it would be difficult to choose any particular scene. I loved the taxi driver’s casual, accepting attitude though, some very funny lines there.

The one line which actually made me laugh out loud was the one when the taxi driver asks incredulously why Black Beauty was on the naughty list and he answers ominously HE KNOWS WHAT HE DID.

This is a very cleverly presented item and one I didn’t expect to enjoy or even like but you proved me wrong. I don’t know if there was a prize on offer for the entry but it deserves the number one spot.

Thank you so much for sharing an unusual and entertaining story.
Sue


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Review by Sumojo Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
Hi, Ruwth, I honestly loved reading this birthday blog entry. I’m jealous of all the dogs you’ve had and continue to share with your family.
Isn’t amazing how different dogs are? Not only in breed and appearances but in their personality and temperament. You can have several dogs who look exactly alike but are totally different in the way they see life. Of course training has much to do with it and the way they are treated. All the dogs in my life have been inside dogs. I can’t say I enjoy seeing a dog on a chain or being outside all the time. But working dogs are different I suppose.
I used to be frightened of dogs when I was a child. That was back in the day when dogs were allowed to roam the streets. I would make long detours to avoid passing a strange dog.
I know you have quite a few German Shepherds in your family. I’ve never really got to know one and have always been a little hesitant to approach one. I suppose it’s because I was bitten by one when I was delivering something to a house one day. It seemed very friendly when I approached but jumped up me when I was leaving and bit me on my back.
I do love most breeds though and I agree with you about Airedales, they are charming. Our children have a variety of dogs too. One has Labradoodles, they are lovely, friendly and a bit goofy. Our son haa a Blue Heeler, an Australian breed. They are too energetic and nip your heels as if he’s rounding up a mob of sheep.
Our dog is a Weinmarana. 12 years old and a sweetheart.
So thanks again for telling us about the dogs in your family, it was a treat.


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Review by Sumojo Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Hi, Beholden Author Icon I was just skimming through the Newsletters and came across the Editors Pick in which your story was included.

I haven’t read many stories of yours except of course for the eight line poems which I check out most evenings.

The scene was set beautifully, I could almost feel the humidity and the weirdness of the forest.
You convinced me of a carnivore prowling outside the tent intent on feeding on the poor soul quivering inside. The tension was palpable.

At last I could release the breath I hardly knew I was holding when you revealed the ‘monster’ was in fact a harmless puppy dog.

Thank you taking me on a very short journey from fear to laughter.

Cheers Sue


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Review by Sumojo Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
Hi, Mike, I’m reviewing this article/travelogue as next in line at I Write in 24.
Oh, my, it is such an interesting read. I loved hearing about the historical
events and your own personal experiences.
I can’t even begin to imagine the cold night spent at a castle in Luxembourg. How the people who lived in them permanently ever survived is something I often wonder about when watching historical films.

You must have great memories of your time in the military especially the year of your wedding in Germany. Your honeymoon sounds delightful and sitting on the rear seat of the coach although uncomfortable is something that stays with you and is probably the thing which you speak about most when reminiscing. I’ve always thought the times when plans go awry are which give us the strongest memories and not the posh hotels or long lazy beach holidays.

I loved reading about the 1920 Olympic history. The missing flag really intrigued me. One of our Olympic swimming champions, Dawn Fraser got removed from the Olympic village having removed the flag as a joke.
It’s amazing Harry got away with it for so long, and to be thanked for returning it all those years later is mind boggling.

You have had an interesting journey through life and I thank you for sharing some of them with us.


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Review of Fire  Open in new Window.
Review by Sumojo Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with disABILITY WRITERS GROUP  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Hi, I came across this story as I was reading the other entries for the contest. I enjoyed the read very much. It certainly meets the criteria for a story of horror.
The fascination with fire steadily grows as the character grows in age.
With trial and error he learns all there is to learn about fire’s requirements and the way it behaves in certain situations. It was as if they grew together, child and fire, learning about the needs of each other, until at last they were in sync and could play together and include others in their sick game.

My trance was only broken when I felt the flame hit my fingertips. no need for was.
You used the word was almost thirty times in the story. Perhaps read through and try to omit a few.

This is an excellent entry for this contest and I wish you all the best.
Sue.


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Review by Sumojo Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: E | (4.0)
This is a wonderfully creative and humorous story set in a prehistoric era with a modern twist.
Since the story is set in prehistoric times, it might help to describe the environment briefly in the beginning. Such as “At the dawn of time, when mammoths roamed and saber-toothed cats prowled, an enterprising caveman, known as Swarthy Zob, lived at the far end of the cave village.”

The story has a delightful sense of humour, especially with the anachronisms and Zob’s misunderstanding of words.

The moment leading up to Zob presenting the cloak could be drawn out slightly to increase suspense. Maybe describe Zob’s nervous thoughts or the intimidating presence of Neb and the clubsmen.
Example: “Zob's heart pounded in his chest as he watched the procession approach…

The conclusion is strong, but you could emphasise the lasting impact of Zob's creation on future generations or draw a parallel to modern-day fashion trends.
Example: “And so, from that day forward, the finest courts in history would be adorned with the humble weasel, rebranded as the majestic sable and ermine—proof that with a little spin, even the simplest of things could become extraordinary.”

Ensure that Zuk is consistently referred to as "Not-tall Zuk" or "Zuk" throughout the story to avoid confusion.

Check for typos and repetition.
These tweaks could enhance the flow, deepen character engagement, and make the humour even more pronounced while maintaining the charm of your story.
Thank you for sharing.


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Review of Wonderful World  Open in new Window.
Review by Sumojo Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
Hello, I’m reviewing your story as next in line at I Write in 24.

First of all thank you for a lovely glimpse of what it’s like having a teenage daughter in the family and you nailed it. Good job.

I loved the geeky little boy although I could imagine him becoming quite annoying, especially to an older sister.

I think you could make the scene in the car more believable by having Janet sit in the front seat. There’s no way her dad would have persuaded her to sit next to her pesky brother.

I felt so sorry for the dad, he’d recently lost his wife and was trying his best to make the kids happy again. And then to blow up dinner. He must have felt like giving up. He ought to have given Janet the job of cooking dinner, at sixteen it’s something she should be capable of. Maybe the shared task of cleaning up the mess of the kitchen accident brought the family closer and brought some humour into the vacation.

I do believe the magnificence of the Aurora Borealis would have even impressed our bored teenager. It’s something I’d love to witness myself one day.

Thank you for a charming story.
Sue.


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