This is an interesting story with a lot of potential, and a lot more that can be written. This is an introduction, where we get to know of the existence of magic, and their many subcategories. Though the properties of these mentioned categories are slightly exposed through their respective titles, the finer lines that separates them are yet to be included in the text.
We know that there is a country, and that the capital is named Seyrune. Our main protagonist is new, male and from an island up north, a bit of a country boy that suddenly have to waltz into a world of games, possibly both physical, mental and verbal. A letter in the beginning gives us names, and general traits, though I, being bad with names, probably would have to read a few more chapters before these names settled on the individual beings.
There is also a council, a magical one, and there might be more of those, though they are not mentioned as far as I can tell.
Well. I am not one to be awfully mean and meticulous regarding grammar, but I will point out this, I think you have a slight issue with your tenses. While a switch between tenses is far from illegal, your switches tend to occur irregularly and sometimes in the same sentence. Your grammar is excellent, of course, but the lapses in the placement of present and past tenses makes a bit of a problem. You might have intended some of those lapses to happen, I do not know the content of your mind and would never assume to know any such thing, but I will attempt to point some of them out none the less.
This is the first sentence in your third paragraph:
Original: This letter needed to be finished; it is too important to wait.
Edited: This letter needed to be finished; it WAS too important to wait.
And another one:
Original: This meant they must be on final approach to the capital city of Sayrune.
Edited: This meant they HAD TO be on THE final approach to the capital city of Sayrune.
Edited2: This meant they HAD STARTED on THE final approach to the capital city of Sayrune.
Okay, that one was a bit iffy, but you get the idea, right?
The next one was a bit questionable as well, I was not certain whether you intended to write it in past or present tense, but I'll assume that it is past tense like the majority of your writings in this tale.
Original:The streets of the capital city are quite amazing, the seamless stone running through each street spoke of the city's power and wealth. These seamless and unnaturally perfect roads also whisper a different story, but only to those who truly listen, it tells you that this city is ripe with magic.
Edited: The streets of the capital city WERE quite amazing, AND the seamless stone running through each street spoke of the city's power and wealth. These seamless and unnaturally perfect roads also whisperED a different story, but only to those who truly listenED, it TOLD you that this city WAS ripe with magic.
Original: "Don't just sit there, gawking like simpleton you are a master now pull yourself together" he said to himself.
Edited: "Don't just sit there, gawking like simpleton. You are a master now. Pull yourself together" he said to himself.
Original: Kenton looked down at his wrist and consulted a shiny golden device comprised of smaller and smaller rings each with symbols and numbers on them.
Edited: Kenton looked down at his wrist and consulted a shiny golden device comprised of smaller and smaller rings, each with symbols and numbers on them.
Original: His clothes felt soaked in sweat, and they smelt like it too.
Edited: His clothes felt soaked in sweat, and they SMELLED like it too.
Original: The movements, helped to free up his tight muscles.
Edited: The movements helped to free up his tight muscles.
Original: He placed the bottle on the floor of the carriage, he then traced his arms through the air gracefully, and as he did, they gained a blue glow that stood out in contrast with his nut-colored skin.
Edited: He placed the bottle on the floor of the carriage. He then traced his arms through the air gracefully, and as he did, they gained a blue glow that stood out in contrast with his nut-colored skin.
Edited2: He placed the bottle on the floor of the carriage and traced his arms through the air gracefully. And as he did, they gained a blue glow that stood in contrast with his nut-colored skin.
Original: This is his art, Kinetomancy, the conversion of kinetic motion into magical energy.
Edited: This WAS his art, Kinetomancy, the conversion of kinetic motion into magical energy.
Original: He returned the bottle of sullied water to his trunk then dressed.
Edited: He returned the bottle of sullied water to his trunk, AND then GOT dressed.
Original: The clothing he brought were in the Laraelian style, natural colors and patterns made of thin breezy fabric.
Edited: The clothing he brought WAS in the Laraelian style, natural colors and patterns made of thin breezy fabric.
The next one is admittedly a bit difficult, as the "must have" is a term it is hard to set in past tense.
Original: They must have entered the upper quarters of the city.
Edited: They had clearly entered the upper quarters of the city.
Original: "Are you Master Kenton Gladstone?" asked the boy huffing a little.
Edited: "Are you Master Kenton Gladstone?" asked the boy, huffing a little.
Okay, I will assume the next one to be a mere mistake, and something you would have easily detected on your own, but I point it out none the less since I spotted it.
Original: "In the marketplace mostly, but us runner boys use it to," said the boy.
Edited: "In the marketplace mostly, but us runner boys use it toO," said the boy.
Original: It seemed like an alarm of some kind that would alert someone when the wax seal is broken.
Edited: It seemed like an alarm of some kind that would alert someone when the wax seal WAS broken.
Original: You may think you know the people you are about to meet with, but I bet you have no idea of what they are truly like.
Edited: You may think you know the people you are about to meet UP with, but I bet you have no idea of what they are truly like.
Edited2: You may think you know the people you are about to meet, but I bet you have no idea of what they are truly like.
Original: I would watch my step around him if I was you because he is not quite the man you use to know.
Edited: I would watch my step around him if I WERE you, because he is not quite the man you USED to know.
Original: She believes in logical answers, and if you approach her using logic, you will find your words get through much easier.
Edited: She believes in logical answers, and if you approach her using logic, you will find THAT your words WILL get through much easier.
I will admit that the former correction is a tad... Well, it might not be necessary at all. And the next one, another "must have". I find something vaguely wrong-sounding tense-wise with it, but I might very well be mistaken.
Original: The letter must have come from someone either on the magi council or someone well connected in Sayrune.
Original: He tried to tuck these feelings away; he is here and that was something.
Edited: He tried to tuck these feelings away; he WAS here and that was something.
Original: His master did not devote his life to getting Kentmancy recognize for Kinton to piss all over it because he was scared of failure.
Edited: His master did not devote his life to getting Kentmancy RECONGIZED for Kinton to piss all over it because he was scared of failure.
Original: He tucked the letter safely away in his trunk and then double checked all his belongings to make sure they are in order and safely secured.
Edited: He tucked the letter safely away in his trunk and then double checked all his belongings to make sure they WERE in order and safely secured.
Original: Standing at the top of the stairs was a man with black skin; it was not tan or merely dark; it was pitch black.
Edited: Standing at the top of the stairs was a man with black skin; it was not tanned, or merely dark; it was pitch black.
Original: "I only just arrived in the city, I had planned to arrive yesterday, but the weather chose to disagree with us."
Edited: "I only just arrived in the city. I had planned to arrive yesterday, but the weather chose to disagree with us."
The next one I am a bit unsure of, but I added it none the less.
Original: "That would be most welcome," replied Kenton.
Edited: "That would be most appreciated," replied Kenton.
Original: They took another turn and headed down a long spiral staircase, at the bottom was a large set of doors.
Edited: They took another turn and headed down a long spiral staircase. At the bottom was a large set of doors.
Original: "Go ahead and enter; the door has been made to know you already, so you don't need to worry about the wards," said Blythe with a smile almost reading Kenton's mind.
Edited: "Go ahead and enter; the door has been made to know you already, so you don't need to worry about the wards," said Blythe with a smile, almost reading Kenton's mind.
Original: Kenton reached for the door; he could feel the door, reach out, and recognize him before swinging open.
Edited: Kenton reached for the door; he could feel the door reach out and recognizing him before swinging open.
Original: "We call it, the same thing up north; it is also a measure of someone's power," replied Kenton with a bit of a worried look.
Edited: "We call it the same thing up north; it is also a measure of someone's power," replied Kenton with a bit of a worried look.
Original: "So it is, but you would not be a master if we doubted your skill, " he replied with a smile.
Edited: "So it is, but you would not be a master if we doubted your skill, " Blythe replied with a smile.
Original: He could see multiple clean burning lamps, lighting the room, but he could not smell even the faintest scent of oil.
Edited: He could see multiple clean burning lamps lighting the room, but he could not smell even the faintest scent of oil.
There was another "must have" in that paragraph, but I am slowly starting to doubt whether or not that in fact is a tense-related error or not.
Original: The woman looked to be in her fifties; she had light brown short hair and her eyes are a bright auburn.
Edited: The woman looked to be in her fifties; she had light brown short hair, and her eyes WERE a bright auburn.
Original: Both the woman, and Halbert noticed Kenton at the same time, and their conversation was abandoned.
Edited: Both the woman and Halbert noticed Kenton at the same time, and their conversation was abandoned.
(loved the saying with the abandoned conversation, by the way)
Original: "Bad weather delayed us by a day, and I arrived here just as Blyth was."
Edited: "Bad weather delayed us by a day, and I arrived here just as Blyth did."
Original: "The pleasure is all mine lady Atterton," replied Kenton as he took her hand.
Edited: "The pleasure is all mine, lady Atterton," replied Kenton as he took her hand.
Original: "I understand, the life of a master, is not an easy one as I am sure to learn first hand."
Edited: "I understand, the life of a master is not an easy one, as I am sure to learn first hand."
If the next sentence in fact was intended to be the thoughts of our dear Kenton, the present tense might very well be on purpose, but if not, past tense should be implemented.
Original: This woman is either a very nice and extremely inappropriate welcome gift, or she is Lady Mandassa Lisadar.
Edited: This woman was either a very nice and extremely inappropriate welcome gift, or she was Lady Mandassa Lisadar.
Original: The most worrying part is Kenton could not feel even a hint of Clout from the man. All the masters had it, but this man is either no mage at all or something else entirely.
Edited: The most worrying part WAS THAT Kenton could not feel even a hint of Clout from the man. All the masters had it, but this man WAS either no mage at all or something else entirely.
Original: "Master Tarsis if you are finished, we would like to begin," said Blythe.
Edited: "Master Tarsis, if you are finished, we would like to begin," said Blythe.
"By all means Blythe," he said with a tone that showed a hint of respect.
Okay. I am not sure whether Torin was showing Blythe a hint of respect, or if he meant not to. If he was, the sentence was correct.
Original: "This meeting will be short and sweet; the first order of business is that we must officially induct Master Gladstone as the first Kinetomancy Master, " said Blythe, and at these words, Torin stood and clapped wildly then sat back down.
Edited: "This meeting will be short and sweet; the first order of business is that we must officially induct Master Gladstone as the first Kinetomancy Master, " said Blythe, and at these words Torin stood and clapped wildly, then sat back down.
Original: "Then let us vote." As he said this, all hands, but Torin's and Kenton's, went up.
Edited: "Then let us vote." as he said this, all hands but Torin's and Kenton's went up.
Edited2: "Then let us vote." As he said this all hands, but Torin's and Kenton's, went up.
Original: "Kid you do know that you can vote now, right?" said Torin.
Edited: "Kid, you do know that you can vote now, right?" said Torin.
Original: "Well, it looks like it's Four against two the motion passes, please record this in the official records," Blythe said with a smile.
Edited: "Well, it looks like it's Four against two. The motion passes, please record this in the official records," Blythe said with a smile.
Original: "In a way you are, Torin has no students, and he does very little compared to the other masters, so when a job comes up that is tedious, it tends to be assigned to him," he replied with a smirk.
Edited: "In a way you are. Torin has no students, and he does very little compared to the other masters, so when a job comes up that is tedious, it tends to be assigned to him," he replied with a smirk.
Original: "Well, don't listen to these people when they tell you how bad I am because I assure you that I am a whole lot worse, " he said with that devilish smile of his, then he walked out.
Edited: "Well, don't listen to these people when they tell you how bad I am, because I assure you that I am a whole lot worse, " he said with that devilish smile of his. Then he walked out.
You also have an impressive amount of ";" in your text, though I, not being very well versed in the finer ways of its usage, have refrained from commenting on any of them.
Okay. I know that my profile said that grammar was not something I was overly thorough with when reviewing the work of pretty much anyone, yet here we are, a good deal of correcting behind us. I will point out that these corrections are voluntary, and that all of them might not be in need of any corrections at all. I will also admit that my coverage might not be sufficient. There might be mistakes that I have overlooked, or there might be sentences that I have chosen to leave be since they are in need of some basic makeover.
As mentioned your grammar is good, American English if I am not mistaken. I usually tend to stay on the British English side of things, but I am aware of the allowance of "z"s in a lot of words that would have pretty little red lines under them in the British auto correct program.
I also did, if I am not mistaken, say something about reviewing on the general flow of a piece. Hm. Your flow is good, after reading through it a few times I did find myself caught in between the words, and I could briefly get mental images of my surroundings. Your tale has a distinct epic fantasy tale vibe over it, making it similar to the genre used in "Lord of the Rings" and "The Wheel of Time" series. I am sure that I, if I read on, would gain much more knowledge regarding the many terms for styles and people and magics that were just thrown around in this initial chapter.
Your grammar is good, and albeit some minor issues with your tenses, and at times your sentence structure, you are well on your way to become a more than just decent author. This review became awfully long, and I do apologise for that, so I will try to wrap things up now.
You are awesome, and do not allow anyone to tell you otherwise. Mistakes are not things that are made to lower your worth, but rather things to tell you that you can rise even higher than you already are. I wish you luck with your future doings, and hope that you do not give up writing on this, the small seed of what might become a great and magnificent fantasy tale.
And for the record, I will say that I suspect the King High Bastard himself to have written the letter introducing the Masters to our dear protagonist Kenton.
Best regards, Stormfoedt. |
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