I truly appreciate your writing this incredible piece. Thank you so much for sharing from your personal experience. I agree that introspection of this magnitude is a life-changing event. There is a time when, in order to live, we must face the shadowside of ourselves; we must face all of who we are, the good with the bad. We must decide what is of such importance to choose life.
Ideas (take 'em or leave 'em )
You'll want to read back through this after a few days and smooth it out. It is very powerful!
Eyes over 40 years of age are begging for more room between paragraphs. Indenting and leaving a space is even better.
Typos and Grammatical Challenges I know, something for everyone!
or chemotherapy. but I was left Comma instead of period.
However, and any cancer patient can tell you
My Favorite Part
In spite of all those experiences, I survived. During my last visit to my primary care doctor, he said that he expected me to live a normal lifespan because I simply refused to die.
Write on! Thanks for sharing!
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This is a really good idea! Now we just need to figure out how to get people to post here! You have done a good job of putting together both the campfire and this forum. Keep up the good work.
Maybe you should send a note out to the campfire members and let them know this exists.
My Favorite Part
And no--no one can come back to life! Thanks! Have fun!
This sentence about sums it up. Some of us have not had as much fun since the characters that sparked our imagination and even our love and caring are now dead in the series! Real life is that no one can come back to life. A lot of JKR fans wish they could!
Write on! Thanks for sharing!
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This is the most amazing story. I reviewed it a while back and gave it a high but not perfect rating. I am not sure what flaws I might have found, for none of them were important enough to keep this story from my heart. I think of it and you often, Holland. I hope things are well with you and I pray your life is filled with joy.
My Favorite Part
Loving children bring sadness, heart-rending emotion and unspeakable joy to us.
Write on! Thanks for sharing!
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Oh, I like this! It is so peaceful and interesting. Your writing is very disciplined and straightforward.
In order to involve the reader quickly, put a little more into active exchange. You can put his thoughts into italics, for instance, and take off the shoes, observing the thoughts that made it lack spontaneity. The speaker told us the spontaneity wasn't there, but we didn't see it not be there. I hope this makes sense. Let me know when you have worked on it or are ready to and I'll be glad to work along with you.
Ideas (take 'em or leave 'em )
I hate to say this, but in the second sentence, you are going to lose a lot of American readers. We need a little more description with the words Madhavi chichi. Perhaps add the rank with the individual. I suspect, with the setting of the table a little later, that Madhavi chichi is a servant. If I am wrong, giggle at me and fill me in. Also, a little more description of the mother when she enters the scene would help us link to her quickly.
Next Section (Same Chapter) Rather than writing anything, I usually just do 3 to 5 *s right at the margin to show there is a momentary break.
She couldn’t do it but she knew that it had been longer than usual. This is a bit awkward, try tightening it up. Perhaps 'Who knew?' or 'It had been too long, that she knew.'
Typos and Grammatical Challenges I know, something for everyone!
(He still had to work out how Pizza fitted into this). This is a cute statement. Play with it. Perhaps no parentheses: 'He smiled to himself. He still did not know how pizza fitted into this theory.'
My Favorite Part
I love the way the mother is worrying about pleasing the son and the son is fascinated that she knows what he likes. This is so true to the way we really are.
I'm off to read more!
Write on! Thanks for sharing!
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Invalid Item This item number is not valid. #1111615 by Not Available.
My name is Denise and I am the Other judge— the one that doesn't sleep in a coffin. Oops. Gallows humor.
My Favorite Part
The phoenix hatching was so neat!
Cadence, description and imagery
This is a good story. The plot keeps the reader wondering what will happen next. It gets bogged down sometimes, but can be adjusted by carefully reviewing the whole story for places where improvement can occur. Reading over the descriptions and conversations can help make them more clear.
Grammatical and spelling challenges to be met:
There are lots of incomplete sentences, which should be corrected in order to allow information to flow easily to the reader.
As he was leading the laden donkey away, the harpy screeched through the open window.Note: I never really did understand what harpy we were talking about.
but the rain continued andsells sales were slow.
Hali never share shared a special bond with the child,
amber eyes that glinted withmishieve mischief.
effortlessly carrying Kalie as if she was no lighter than a feather.Perhaps 'as if she were as light as a feather.'
"This world is magically magical and wondrous, but you need open eyes to see everything."
The sorceress that had bought brought Kalie to Arie and Hali.
"I've bought brought the girl, Qui'ara"
Thus Kalie's existance existence continued in isolation
was truely truly happy.
a word he spoke, cause there was no relfection reflection of love
crown aloft, held his cold voice carried
*****
Between 500 and 5,000 words? Yes
Never won an award before - not yet.
Vampire present? Yes
Good luck in the contest!
You drew me in! This is an excellent poem. I think it would be really cool to put at least a reference to the poet, Dylan Thomas, who wrote the lines this one refers to so exquisitely. From the tiniest beast to the largest, there is something within that does not accept death, even though blinded by pain or sorrow. We struggle.
I like the way you wrote this, in a rhythm and flow that seemed unharnessed to me. I did not feel lost in this poem, I was with the speaker, yet separate from the threat of Death.
Well done and necessary for us to state when we are in the position of facing death, whether it is our own or of another.
My Favorite Part
With all my strength I still fight
Against the rapid falling night.
Write on! Thanks for sharing!
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Partner (13+) A boy allows a dragon to be a tattoo on his back. #1094671 by Kotaro
Author : Kotaro
Reviewer : SilverValkyre loves YOU!
Short Story
Plot and Setting: Set in Japan, this is the story of a boy's inheritance from his ancestors.
This is really an interesting story. It feels very magical and very oriental. I really like the description of your dragon. You are very good at taking your reader effortlessly from one scene to the next!
Additional Comments: SUGGESTIONS, IDEAS...
I only feel the need to ask for more. I'll be getting deeper into your port really soon!
Spelling, punctuation and grammar challenges:No typos and nothing else of note!
NOTE: The typos I found, I replaced corrected in red text. The punctuation and grammar challenges I found, I replaced with green text. All other comments, questions, thoughts and/or plot challenges, I listed in blue.
It's all about feeling! This is really a fun poem, especially in the summertime. It's hard to remember the dance of the snowflakes in this heat, but the beauty of it is what you brought out. I like it!
Just one typo: And slowly disapears disappears,
My Favorite Part
Together with thousands, alone by itself,
Write on! Thanks for sharing!
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You are really creative. This was written a couple of years ago. I bet you could add some things to it now. It's really pretty neat how things are much clearer when you write them and leave them for awhile.
There are a lot of things to like about this story. You have a good plot and a good idea of what your characters and setting are like, so now it's time to go for it and develop your skills further! If you'd like some help with sorting it out, let me know, I'd be happy to help you get to the next level with it. Sometimes it seems like such a big deal, but with someone helping, it works out just fine! I'd be glad to help you get your writing better, because you do have a good imagination!
My Favorite Part
My favorite part is all the hope in this girl! She decided what she could do and did it!
Write on! Thanks for sharing!
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It's all about touching heart to heart!
You are incredibly good at that! Thanks so much for the beautiful phrases and the words that awaken my muse. ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
About the question of poetic prose, I think the only think that would make this more poetic is to put it in poetic format. It is already very much one heart reaching out to another and that is what poetry is all about to me.
My Favorite Part
To the flowers of your sons, add the giggles of your grandchildren.
Invalid Item This item number is not valid. #1106012 by Not Available.
After the first chapter, I had to see what you did. This partial second chapter is cool, you are still rolling. Keep it up and let me know when you are ready for me to re.review it!
Your characters are realistic and enjoyable. Your style is rough, but you can develop those skills with the help of reviewing and taking advantage of some of the excellent resources of this site!
Write on! Thanks for sharing!
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Invalid Item This item number is not valid. #1106012 by Not Available.
Hey! I like the way you write. You sucked me right into the story, which is a very nice thing. Your characters are realistic and I can tell that you have 'lived there.' I'd like to know what the guys look like and what kind of car it was, but you'll get there.
Ideas and Challenges(take 'em or leave 'em )
I was confused on the timing. If Michael is old enough to drive and have a job, he's in high school and probably can't get to work before 4:30 or 5. If the lunch rush is 5 to 8 and then they clean up, that violin concert is really starting late! Think of some other reason for Conrad? Anyway, you understand what I mean. It threw me off, so I stopped to figure out what time he could be talking about.
The paragraph that starts with “Hey Conrad, right after that has two people's speeches in it. It is customary to separate them, even if they are only a line or two, so that the reader can separate the conversation easily while reading.
the nights events wore off. Possessive on nights; night's.
Thoughts are almost always designated with italics. This first chapter will pull together as you get farther into the story. You'll be able to come back and see the weak spots much more easily.
There are some technical difficulties, but the action and the plot are the first to get going. You are getting there. Please let me know when you want me to look in on it again.
What I like
I like the way you are familiar with the scene and the characters, even the fantasy ones. I'm off to read more.
If you come to swap reviews, I'd love it if you would start with "Invalid Item"
It's unfinished, but your characters remind me of that story in my port.
Write on! Thanks for sharing!
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Hi!
Folders are the doorways from the Main Entrance to the Wings that hold the different categories of our stuff! Portfolio impact is greatly governed by getting the reader interested.
This folder has great information and is a wonderful way to explain what is going on here! Hee Hee! I usually think you need a picture and it is true I came in the back door and am leaving by the entrance, but I think this is a marvelous folder.
My Favorite Part
I love how you give enough info to advertise the book you are learning from and leave out enough to make it new to each of us when we end up going out and buying it! Hah! Write on!
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It's all about feeling! This poem is really well-done. It is interesting how the reader can be lead to visualize. The title and subtitle made me immediately envision a lone tree and lonely castle keeps standing on the high, sharp rocks.
I felt a lot from your choice of words. Very good!
It detracts from the poem a little to put the funny anecdote at the top. You might consider moving it to the bottom to show off the poem.
My Favorite Part
I really liked the way the house popped into my mind with the last two lines.
Write on! Thanks for sharing!
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It's all about feeling! It's exciting to know the first book will be in print, all who have fallen in love with Walker will surely want to own a copy and give some to others! It's a great idea to pull ideas from others in the WDC community for your children.
About the autism, there are several moms on this site who have written excellent blog entries and articles about their children. You might want to look into that. I'll have to think about it. There are zillions of children personalities and quirks and I'm sure you will find a lot who will fit in just right!
My Favorite Part
That the first book is finished and the second is in motion already!
Write on! Thanks for sharing!
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Hello, Maugh! Welcome to WritingDotCom or WDC, as we love to call it. I have been here 6 months this week, so I am barely out of the 'newbie' status. You will find wonderful, generous people to interact with. We have contests, games, puzzles and groups of writers who like the same genre or the same type of writing; in short, Everything.
I like your writing. There are some ragged spots and some spots where the meaning is unclear, but you have come to the right place to work on your skills. You have the natural ability and the will to communicate, so I'm certain you can hone your stories and books here!
Ideas (take 'em or leave 'em )
First, I would recommend you read this aloud to yourself to get the feeling of it. It seems to me that you have a common weakness with me. I go back and fix a sentence and the rest of the paragraph or even the phrases depending on it get shaky.
My Favorite Part
The story line is awesome and I like your main characters. Of course, with the Silver in my name, I was intrigued with your Silver character right away. I longed for more description that told me something about him and about Karen, the mage, as well.
I'm sure you'll be settling in at WDC over the next few days and learning how to italicize thoughts: {i} before the words and {/i} after them does the trick. You can cut and paste these examples and they will work for you, or just type them in. Insert b instead and you get bold, more about the Machine Language we use under the list to the left of this column—Site Tools/Writing ML Help (close to the bottom of the drop down menu).
So, again, welcome! I'm so glad you are here and hope you enjoy yourself! I'll be back to read more and I'll tell my fantasy-loving friends that another fantasy writer is in our midst! Also, if you'd like me to review this or anything else in the future, please let me know!
Write on!
Thanks for sharing!
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Hi!
Folders are the doorways from the Main Entrance to the Wings that hold the different categories of our stuff! Portfolio impact is greatly governed by getting the reader interested.
Come on, lady! We need a pic and some info about what is in this folder. Play like it's the front window or the display counter at your little retail establishment. You can show us a pic of the stuff within or anything else!
Lots of people couldn't even find New Zealand on the map, so put it on the map for us.
It's all about feeling!
What an awesome poem! What an awesome child you have described!
I had one idea while reading, it had to do with a 'great big' SWAK or something similar. The line begs for a little more emphasis with adjectives and perhaps the SWAK should be in red or italics or bold. I don't know how many non-English speakers will be trying to read this, but you might put a little star and a footnote, just to help them.
It's certainly worth it to get across the message of this sweet poem!
Write on! Thanks for sharing!
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It's all about feeling! This kind of poem is a perfect reflection of your heart's song and that of all who knew and loved Spencer. The thing that is important in this type of memorial is your tribute standing firm and true, perfectly understood by others. In this time, in this place, with tears so close to the surface, we are all close in the family of living breathing believers. For we must believe these beautiful young souls go to a place of joy and rest. I appreciate your sacrifice at writing down the words and I feel your pain and joy.
Write on! Thanks for sharing!
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It's all about feeling!
There are a lot of poems that float through our consciousness and stoping them and fastening them to paper or computer screen is the hardest part. These type of emotional, fleeting poems defy our interference with their message. It is difficult to add even a comma or another word to the delicate balance of phrasing which spews forth from our deepest creativity.
Keep writing. Keep capturing the questions of your soul to offer up for the rest of us to see and hear and be.
Write on! Thanks for sharing!
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You did a great job on this analysis of the primary features of Google. It is neat that you even went to the trouble of starting with where the name came from.
Ideas (take 'em or leave 'em )
About the Froogle feature: I look for rare books a lot, even out-of-print or small press, so a feature that goes beyond http://www.Amazon.com is a plus!
Typos and Grammatical Challenges I know, something for everyone!
Typewriters Type writers instead
Write on!
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This is a super-king-sized bit of humor. I like it! You did cute things with the phrasing that made it sillier than ever.
Ideas (take 'em or leave 'em )
First, I realize it tells about the item, but you might want to put the subtitle info at the end of the piece, like a footnote. Secondly, you might want to read back over it. It has a few rough spots. Might be fun to see what you can do for it now that your writing has changed.
I love playfullness in writing. The scene with your sweetie is just precious!
Write on!
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This is well-done rendition of the battle-weary soldier. The valkyries were the battle-field angels and I have thought long and hard about this very scenario.
So often, the soldier has chosen to serve his company and thereby gives up his right to decide where he will go next.
Ideas (take 'em or leave 'em )
The only idea I had as I went along is that I believe the last four words might have more impact if they stood alone as a separate sentence.
Typos and Grammatical Challenges I know, something for everyone!
The last three stanzas have quotes around little phrases, but not around the entire conversational phrase. It might be good to put italics on those parts and expand the quotes or just expand the area the quotes encompass. The wording stands out on its own.
Keep it up. There are a few ragged spots, but this is a expressive and inspirational poem!
Thanks for sharing! Write on!
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Wow! This is well-written. I was drawn in by your precise and thoughtful descriptions. I will be sticking around to see what else your portfolio includes! I appreciate the fact that this was carefully edited, without a word out of place or a typo uncorrected. It is clearly written by one who takes pride in their work!
Ideas (take 'em or leave 'em )
I get a blunt, cut-off feeling at the end of this essay. It is almost as if you are telling the facts of the lie, but not going through to tell us the rest of the story. The emotion is carefully controlled all the way, until the reader is left with that last phrase. Please finish this story. Your brief description says "Have you ever been told a lie of such proportion that it explained your whole life?" I would like to know what you consider to be the lie and what you have done to process these feelings and get the child part of yourself out of the cycle of experiencing these feelings over and over.
Look into your own life and see what you have carried forward from your birth parents and from your adopted family. Your personality is trampled, I'm certain of it. ...Mine is, everyone's is, I suppose. Even if this is a speculative reality, the story needs not to end at the beginning of the lifechanging introspection.
Keep on writing! You are good at it!
Write on!
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I like it! I can almost picture your cool dog. Interesting breed, the Basenji. I am glad you find joy in your dog. It's always so cool to know and love a beastie who loves you.
They adore us like we hung the moon! Such a fun poem!
Write on!
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This is a really good idea! 
Hi! 
Gallows humor. 
My Favorite Part
Hi! 
