Hey!
I'm working on my 7-Day Reviewing Streak MB. (Day 2 -- Woohoo!) Sad to say, this is my longest streak in a good long time. lol We'll see if I can make it to 7 days...
Anyway, I found this is the Please Review. TBH, because it's so very, very long, if it was in Read & Review, I'd have passed by it. No way would I have managed to get the review done before the counter ended. lol I don't enjoy reviewing and it takes me forever, so I don't do a lot of Read & Review...or a lot of reviewing, for that matter. Hahaha!
Anyway, as you can probably guess, I'm not a professional anything to do with writing, so whatever parts of the review you find useful, apply those. The parts you find useless, ignore. These are just my own opinions about the item, nothing else. Also, I review as I read, so you'll see how I'm experiencing things as I go through the piece. This could mean at some point I'm confused and then later, it's cleared up. That gives you the chance to decide if you wanted me to be confused earlier or if you want to work on that part.
Anyway, let's get to it...
The title and description are interesting, especially the description. It makes me want to read more, which is exactly what it's supposed to do. lol I hate ones that say things like, "Entry for Writer's Cramp." "Uh, no one cares. What's it about? IDK. Next item, please." So, good job.
I also see this has been updated...or added to. I prefer to assume there's been editing happening, even if there's also been additions, so GOOD JOB! Personally, I hate editing, so you'll notice a distinct lack of modifications on many of my work. Don't be me! lol
You only have Fantasy listed as your genre. I really encourage you to use all 3 genre options. There's at least 3 reasons, though I can only remember 2 at the moment, but I think they're solid reasons. lol
1. If your item were to be nominated for "The Quills"  , for say Best Novella or whatever (not sure of the word count that this would actually qualify for, but let's pretend...), it would be in the running for a Best Novella Quill and automatically in the running for a Best Fantasy Quill. But that's it. No matter HOW OBVIOUS another genre is, if it's not listed, you don't get put into that category. You are literally missing out on half of your Quill nominations by only listing 1 genre. You could have the Best Novella nomination AND 3 genre nomination opportunities. Don't miss those! Some categories are sometimes combined and if there's not enough entries with those genres, some categories aren't included for Quills, so if you have a variety of options to choose from, consider looking at the most recent years of Quills to see what genre categories they had Quill Awards for so you can make your best choices, especially if you get a notification that your item was nominated.
2. The #1 way people search for things to read here is by genre. Thus, if you are only listing 1 genre, you could literally be missing out on 2/3 of your potential readership. Yikes! Don't do that! Fill in all 3. Some to consider not using include "Other," of course, but also, unless it's actually about writing, link the main character is a writer or the story is about how to write fantasy or whatever, don't use "Writing." Also, don't use "WdC" unless this is actually about WdC. People don't usually search those categories. Also, "Contest Entry" is pretty much never searched for, not that you'd use that for this.
Okay, enough picking on the top of your item. Let's get to the actual story and see what's going on...as well as see what genres might go well for this. Sometimes I can guess from the title or description, but not so much in this case. lol
Wow! Okay, so the first sentence and paragraph don't necessarily grab me and make me say, "I have to keep reading because I need to know what's going on," but they make me say, "Wow! This is a strong writer and this is going to be a very enjoyable read," so that's a good thing your 1st paragraph and sentence should say, too. lol Well done! Also, I like "dizzy stars" because that's not something you see everywhere else. Trite sayings like pinpoints of stars or scattered stars or whatever are all over. But dizzy stars? I don't think I've ever read that before, so I'm very impressed you can find a new way to describe something I've seen a million times before. Excellent!
"On that grassy scroll, the scrawny little boy Jode tossed and turned." I'm pretty sure you need a comma before and after Jode because the sentence makes just as much sense if you remove his name.
Okay, paragraph 2 is already confusing me, but I'm guessing I'm not supposed to understand it. So, some sort of a giant thing is stuff inside the little boy's body and has now freed itself?
"Tteach you to lie, ignorant little backwoods dabbler." I assume that should be "I'll teach you to lie..."?
"Jodemer's demon swung the frying pan over his head, spattering the room with grease.
But Jode grabbed it and ripped it from the burly demon's hands." There's a space and I didn't punctuate the quotes right, but go with it. lol The point is that the "But Jode grabbed it..." makes it sound like Jodemer was going to do something, but didn't succeed because Jode grabbed the skillet. But we don't know what he was going to do. As far as we can see, he succeeded in what he wanted to do -- swinging the frying pan and making a mess. I think just leave off the "But."
"Great mazes beyond!" It's always fun to see new phrases in stories not set in your local area...or universe. lol
"Forester Danril's yelp set even the trees on edge." I definitely like that description of a yelp! Nicely done! This isn't like any description I've read before. Love it!
"Danril's further yell sounded more a whisper, with all the flavor cut from it." You have a serious way with words! Wow! If you've not submitted things for publication, you definitely should!
"I see to your mother." Making sure this was intentional and not a typo that should have been, "I'll see to your mother."
"Y'all right?" As someone from Alabama, I disagree with this usage of "y'all." lol I assume you intend to have him asking if she's okay, but "y'all" means "you all." So, "Y'all right?" means "You all, correct?" as if he's verifying that that group is the correct group. I think, "Ya alright?" would be better.
Is there supposed to be a double space between that bit and Jode calling for his daddy?
"...as her aging mother Nemiah watched over her." Since you have included her name, but it can be removed without impact, I'm pretty sure you need commas here. If you only used her name or only the description of it being her mother, no commas would be necessary.
"My own art is not enough to save my baby." This needs to actually be in quotation marks (like I put it) or in italics -- something so we know if she's speaking out loud or thinking to herself.
"Always you were too hopeful." This isn't bad if you decide to leave it alone. But the other characters were speaking in more slang. Or is she specifically not going to use contractions and such? I haven't paid that much attention to her speech, but I would think, "Always you're too hopeful" would be better. Yes, it could be misconstrued (or will be) as "you are," but does that really negatively impact the meaning within the context? Not in my opinion.
"Like some trueborn in a sorcerers tower, calling fire from the sky? No." Is she thinking this? Should it be in italics? Either way, you definitely need an apostrophe with "sorcerer's tower."
"The ancient poem spoke of hope, but all Relemiah could feel was the despair piling up in layers of white frost on the barren landscape of her soul." Nice description, but what I really love is the reference to something deeper in their culture. Literary references within imaginary cultures are pretty rare, IMO, so I really like that.
"She stared deep into her mothers eyes." That should be "mother's eyes."
The scene where Nemiah turns to charcoal is really strong and interesting. But the thing I don't like is that "Relemiah wanted to scream at her mother, beg her to fight. To rage against the falling night. To fight as she had not, so many years ago." But she actually DOES nothing...at least, not until it's too late and she grabs the potion. I want to see her physically struggle with herself or try to stop her mom, but maybe she's too far from the two of them to get there in time or too scared of what might happen if she does stop her. But we rarely rage inside, but look fine outside, just twiddling our thumbs...not that she's specifically doing that, but you get my point. She's not "doing" anything with all this allegedly powerful emotion going on inside.
"In the time of a single, gasping breath, the charcoal crumbled into a cloud. The bitter-cold stink of mint coated Relemiah's throat and burned her lungs. The cloud formed a black snowfall. It landed in a circle on the floor. Waved away by Relemiah's skirt, the thin circle of dust swirled into nothingness." LOVE IT! What a great description with unexpected things all over here. Exceptionally well done!
I don't love the double spaces between Maril saying he thinks he found them and her saying they live 1000 yrs. I think I'd prefer a transition. Maybe she sits or he sits or she picks up her kid, then they begin talking. The double space suggests to me that more time has passed than I think actually has and it really just looks like an error to me. But I think a transition will fix that right up and there'd be no need for the double space.
Ironically, you don't have an extra blank space between the end of 3 and the number 4. lol
Something to consider, since you have a VERY long story, divided into parts, since some folks might either be intimidated by the length and not read it or they might need to come back later to finish it and would find it annoying to hunt down their section again if they weren't able to leave that page open, I suggest you consider using dropnotes. Technically, you can just highlight the text you want in the dropnote, then click the button above -- the one that says Drop, closer to the right side. But to me, highlighting a bunch of text in an item that big is too scary. Sure, if you mess up, just don't save it -- close it down and reopen it and start over, but still. I would probably go through and do all the beginning dropnote code first, then go back and paste in all the ending dropnote code. But that's me.
In case you've not used dropnotes before, this is what the code looks like. {dropnote:"Your Section number goes in here"}Your story section goes in here.{{/dropnote}
So, this is what your reader would see for section 4, for example.
4 ▼Shaking from the thought his stepfather could have been murdered by an invisible demon, the tiny Jode trembled behind the door and listened to the man with the shovel–forester Danril?–talk to his mother.
"I'n' right, what happen here."
Mother simply stared for a moment, then closed her eyes. "We just had a passing bad run of luck, that's really all."
"That what you call it?" He dusted his hands and picked up the shovel. "When a man just up and dies from his own ax?"
She looked up at him. "What might you be implying? Jode's not a bad lot."
The man nodded back in surprise. "The boy? No. Just, no."
Veria gave him an arch look. "What then?"
"Haunted?" Danril shrugged. "Living or dead, don't know."
Chin down, Veria stared at the man through her eyebrows, with no sign whether she was sizing him up or demanding an explanation.
Danril spat. "Somebody, something. It ain't safe."
"I'm not any kind of witch, if that's what you suggest." She stepped toward him as if ready to draw a sword–though she had dressed for the kitchen, not for the wilds. She dusted her hands and whispered, "I left all that–the dabblers and miscreants–behind me in the city."
"Heh." Danril stepped back, raised his shovel between him and the woman. He walked forward and laid his arm behind her neck. "Almost had me there. But there something wrong. I get you out of here."
Stiff as a board, Veria whispered, "I will not have you burning me alive over some ridiculous superstition!"
"You're mad, you know what?" He strode to the door. "Questioners will hear this."
"I told you not to call anybody."
He shook his head. "Who you think I am?"
"You!" She shook, and looked out the shutters. "You're the authority in these parts."
"Yep." He scoffed. "Til some man says I'm wrong."
"Damnit, Danril. We can't have them here."
"Well? Can or not, they be here soon." He picked up a roll from her oven and bit in.
"No, Danril." She came up and touched him in the shoulder. "Please? I'll do, ah…"
Darnril gazed into her eyes, a cockeyed smile spreading.
"Any…" Veria blushed and looked at his belt. "...thing."
Danril grinned, and pulled her chin up. "Really?"
Veria shrugged, grimaced, and nodded.
Jode slammed the wall in rage.
The cupboards clacked and the lids on the black fire stove popped.
"I'll be. A witch?" Danril laughed, and pushed Mother to her knees. "Better stop this off."
Her voice quivered as she pushed away. "Please. You don't understand. It's you that had better stop."
"Don't want to hear it." Danril laughed again. "Thinking, 'shove the woman in the oven, save the questioners some trouble.'"
"Don't laugh at mom." Jode bit into the burning fruit, and made a scratching motion.
As though someone had pulled the rug from under him, Danril fell, scrambling to the floor.
"You think this is funny?" He reached up and pulled her face down to his knee. "Not Jode's dad. Not dying easy."
"Don't threaten my mother," Jode whispered under his breath.
The cupboards clacked and the fire hissed.
"Please, just… not here." Mother put her hand on Danril's shoulder. "I told you I'd do anything, and I will. Just not here."
Danril grabbed his shovel and pushed the floor away. Then he pointed it at Veria. "Right attitude, wrong man." He held the shovel by the neck, so that the blade covers his forearm and waved the handle under her nose.
"What… whatever do you mean."
"You hadn't got uppity, maybe your husban'd still be aground." Danril swung the shovel handle at her head, only to stop an apple-height above her shoulder. "Not hunting after the gates."
The gates–that's where the ghosts go, when they're done. But, no. Daddy's not ready. He's still coming back from hunting. "You stop!"
She put her hand on her forehead, blocking Danril and his shovel from her sight. "I don't need you to see this. I don't need your help."
"No, little lady. Don't suppose you're going to get my help."
As she continued to beg, her whine raised to a shriek. "Let him do what he wants. You don't need to be here."
The terror in his mother's voice made Jode's skin itch like fire.
"No wonder they burn you." He jabbed her in the chest, sending her sprawled out in front of him.
Jode made a punching motion.
Danril groaned and doubled over, dropping his shovel to hold his hands between his legs..
Mother kicked him in the shoulders, to knock him back. "I bid you not make him watch. Did I not beseech you?"
Danril's head snapped to the side. "Broken gods!"
The shovel blade flew into Danril's face, throwing him back.
Sprawling back before Mother, Danril threw his arms up over his face.
Fireberry juice dripped down Jode's chin as he took another bite, fueling the fire inside–the fire that fed the beast.
"I'm sorry," Danril whined. "Please, no more!"
The shovel slammed against his face and against his head.
Danril fell to his knees.
Mother cried out the door, to Jode, "Do you see what you've done?"
"Stop it!" Jode cried to the shovel, to the space above Danril. "You don't have to keep going!"
Again and again it hammered into the helpless man's head.
"Stop! Stop stop stop! Don't hit him!"
But with every cry it only slammed harder, until at last both Jode and the busted shovel clattered to the door.
Iyanla snuck into the kitchen, grabbed Veria's hand. "Let's go. While they sleep."
Mother shook her head, and took up a bucket of water. "Can't you see? They'll know." She started to wipe away the blood on the floor.
Iyanla grabbed bread and put it in a basket. "I'm not afraid of the questioners."
"You should be." Mother sopped up still more blood. "Maybe they'll believe us."
"Danril was right, though. The questioners are right." She waved at the mayhem. "This is not."
"But my son–"
Iyanla stood aghast. "What about me, Mother?"
Mother swabbed up the blood with her rags. "I can't abandon my son. I can't let the questionersj have you–either of you."
"But why, Mother?" She waved at the dying man on the floor. "What could be worse than living like this."
Then they can just click the section they left off on and read away, clicking to open each new section as they get to it. No need to close the last one above when they are done. But that's my opinion on how to handle so much text in this long a story.
"...listened to the man with the shovel–forester Danril?–talk to his mother." Didn't you capitalize "forester" last time you used it? I am too lazy to scroll through to see, but I think so. I prefer it capitalized, but it's maybe not supposed to be. Either way, be consistent.
"I'n' right, what happen here." You're doing a wonderful job with making the characters actually sound like the speak without making it a burden on the reader. Well done.
You have another double space I don't agree with. You have the transition of Jode listening at the door, so I think it's natural to now just show what he's hearing.
"But there something wrong. I get you out of here." Making sure you didn't mean "there's" and "I'll."
"I will not have you burning me alive over some ridiculous superstition!" This really cracks me up, like it suggests she's actually the one with the power. She could stop the situation if she decided to. lol
"Danril laughed, and pushed Mother to her knees." I feel like this should say "Veria" instead of "Mother" because we're seeing it from the 3rd person's POV, not Jode's. Yes, there was a bit about him just above, but then we snap back to the 3rd person. And when we see him slam the wall in rage, it's not even really from his POV, but also 3rd person, IMO.
"Don't laugh at mom." "Mom" should be capitalized here because it's used as her name, not the description of who she is. He calls her "Mom."
""Don't threaten my mother,"" This is correct here because it's a description of who she is to him. If he's said, ""Don't threaten Mother," it would be capitalized because it's her "name" in that sentence.
"Mother put her hand on Danril's shoulder." I think this should either be "Jode's mother" or "Veria." Again, using "Mother" suggests Jode is telling this part of the story or it's from his POV, but it's not.
"The gates–that's where the ghosts go, when they're done. But, no. Daddy's not ready. He's still coming back from hunting." I'm guessing this is Jode thinking to himself? I'd put it in italics and make a reference, maybe like, "The gates–that's where the ghosts go, Jode thought to himself, when they're done. But, no. Daddy's not ready. He's still coming back from hunting." That way we are clear that it's him and not Veria since we're still getting the feel for everyone's relationships.
"I don't need you to see this. I don't need your help." I assume she's talking to Jode, but it's a bit unclear, especially since Danril responds, so it makes it seem like maybe she was talking to him, but I don't think she is?
"Let him do what he wants. You don't need to be here." Technically, we assume this is his mom talking to Jode because the next sentence is about Jode, but before we get there, we're a little unsure who she's talking to. Maybe she can turn to Jode or push her hand towards him, as if to swat him away so we know she's directing her words at her son?
"No wonder they burn you." We might assume that this is Danril talking because next he jabs her. But since we just read that Jode's skin was itching, we also might assume it was Jode. Maybe say he jabs her "with the end of the shovel" or "the handle of the shovel" or something to be clear, because we go right back to Jode, so it could be assumed that it's maybe him the whole time?
"Mother kicked him in the shoulders, to knock him back." Again, this should be "Veria," unless I'm confused and there are 2 women in the room -- Veria and Jode's mother, but I don't think so.
"Broken gods!" Again, a fun bit of culture here.
"Sprawling back before Mother, Danril threw his arms up over his face." Again, Veria, unless you want to write this whole scene to be from Jode's POV.
"Mother cried out the door, to Jode, "Do you see what you've done?"
"Stop it!" Jode cried to the shovel, to the space above Danril." I don't like "cried" used twice so closely, especially with your level of writing talent. With other writers, I'd just leave it, but you're well beyond that type of boredom. 
"Stop! Stop stop stop! Don't hit him!" I'm pretty sure this is Jode, but it could be his mother. Either add a dialogue tag or, my preference, have some physical description of what the person is doing. Maybe Jode is reaching out toward the shovel or holding his hands over his face or his ears. Have him doing something to let me know for sure it's him speaking here.
"Mother shook her head, and took up a bucket of water." "Her mother" or "Iyanla's mother."
"Mother sopped up still more blood." "Her mother sopped up still more blood." Again, her name is Veria and it's her relationship to Iyanla that is being defined here. You can use either "Veria" or "Her mother," but not "Mother," unless there's something more going on behind the scenes that we don't know about yet. Is "Mother" her name, like she's the mother witch of all the witches? I don't think so.
"Mother swabbed up the blood with her rags." Same issue.
Before I forget, let's look at some possible genres this could be. I'm sure I'd have a better idea at the end, but I'll just throw out some suggestions with only having read 25% of it. Dark? Gothic? Occult? Paranormal? Supernatural? You'd know better than me, but I'm afraid that I'll have forgotten to write something if I wait until the end. I just thought of it for the 3rd time and decided I should go ahead and do it now, before I forget again. lol
"A flickering candle lit the fat, wrinkled cheeks of the haughty innkeeper in the moonless night. Only the dancing of the tiny flame hinted at any doubt behind his bourgeois arrogance."
Okay, that 1st sentence, I like all the descriptions, but they get into a rhythm that bothers me...which is dumb because rhythm is supposed to be good/poetic. But, to me, it seems sophomoric here. Maybe something like, "As the candle flickered, it lit the fat, wrinkled cheeks of the haughty innkeeper, adding the only light to the moonless night." I've rearranged the 1st adjective/noun set, kept the 2nd 2, then put in a bit of space between them and the last one. Currently, you have, "A, adjective, noun, verb, the, adjective, adjective, noun, of the, adjective, noun, in the, adjective, noun." I feel like mine rearranges it a little bit, though you may want to play with that more.
As for the next sentence, I don't like the "dancing flame." I've read it a million times and you're better than that.
"Let not even the wild winds hear of your quest." Another example of phrases they use there that are unfamiliar to us, but totally understandable. I love this unique peek into their culture because each culture definitely has words and phrases they use that others don't. But it's often not incorporated into stories. Well done!
"The shadow of your fists, the stain of my blood." LOVE THIS! Sometimes, I think to myself, "I'm a pretty good writer." Then I read something like this and think, "Uh, never mind. I write like a grade schooler." Hahaha! You have serious talent!!!
"Find the pulsing shade…." Even though it's at the end of a sentence, this should only be 3 dots. But I'm impressed to see you apparently used some ML code for this. Cool! I didn't know we had code for that. What is that code?
"The rustling grew louder and Jode's fists balled up." He just balled them up a few lines above. Maybe he tightens the balls of his fists?
"In the mythic age of glass, without the simplest of sorceries, humanity had stacked glass and iron higher than mountains. Buildings rose tens, even scores of stories covered in walls of glass. Quela had seen the pictures, but felt certain that their genesis–and also the moon NASA–had been forged in the fires of magic. Most of all she feared that the lost Amerik empire had been as divided against their fellows as the urgan and the hinn against those still called human."
This is an exciting paragraph that makes me really take notice and get suddenly way more interested in this story! I love that you wait so long to put in a reference to our world! Fabulous choice that I'm sure I wouldn't have made...which is just 1 example of why you are the far superior writer! One thing -- I think you are saying the moon's name is NASA? If so, there should be a comma after "moon."
"She had to admit, since donning the robes of the questioner, she herself had already turned away a handful of travesties." Pretty sure you need commas before and after "herself" because it's referring to the same person, just like if it was a name there.
"The Black Dragon made us what we are." When you referred to the black dragon king, you didn't capitalize "black dragon" there. Should you have? Seems to me like you should have.
"To destroy us, rather. Quela had been taught another story: the Black Dragon had taught early humans to eat of the fruit of death, calling it 'knowledge' and promising meaning and adventure. Perhaps the fireberry had been the other fruit, the one denied us for our supposed rebellion. Did he really mean to fix what he had started, or finish it? No mortal could ever be sure, and thus he wove his way into the many orders. A teacher, a patron, so different from the higher dragons. Surely this paragon of ancient magic stood at the center of the anti-magic crusade of the questioners." WHOA! Another thing that circles back to us and our world! I LOVE THIS! Very exciting storytelling! You really know how to keep an audience interested!
"I just love the idea of being near it. To bask in the flickering shade…" Oh, wow! And now we get a call back to a previous thing that now makes sense to us, plus shows us where a phrase came from. I love this so much! Yeah, I know. Half this review is just telling you how awesome you are. But it's not my fault that you are a fabulous writer! lol
"Well, my love, whatever you wish, that is where I shall build." First, you forgot the ending quotation marks here. Second, I get the sentence as it is, but I would prefer he say, "...WHEREVER you wish, that is where I shall build." Partly, I just think it's more correct. lol But also, I like the matching set of where's.
"A small bottle appeared in Old Man Wolf's palm." I feel like you are using "Old Man Wolf" too much in this section. Since it's just 1 man and 1 woman, I think you can refer to him as "he" more...unless there's a reason you aren't. Knowing you, probably. lol But if not, cut the name down by at least half the times.
"He must have been seven, maybe six." Such a small thing, but it's one of the many, many things you do to keep the reader happy. I would have expected "...maybe eight," because I feel like that's how it always goes -- guess a number, then "maybe" the next higher number. Nice, simple twist on an expectation!
"He waited eight clicks of the hooves before he continued." OH! I definitely love that way of marking time! I have ridden horses much of my life -- owned them, showed them, even done some training, but I wouldn't have ever thought of that phrase, I'm embarrassed to say. lol Wonderful idea!
"The Sons of Adam were not meant to fly, for what that was worth, thrown down to earth like the black dragon king." Again, should "black dragon" be capitalized here?
"If only she knew what that was." If you sometimes struggle to find the bit I copy/pasted, remember you can do a search (Ctrl + F on Windows computers) to find it. lol Anyway, this sounds like a sentence I would write...and I don't mean that as a compliment. Hahaha! I don't know how/if you can say it better, but I suspect if you worked at it, you could find something more "Joto-Kai" and less "Schnujo." lol
Also, next "He gave her a comforting nudge in the upper arm." Uh, I mean, it's not impossible, but they would likely be riding SUPER close, like their feet in the stirrups could be almost touching each other. I'm not saying to take this out, but reconsider it. It suggests they are riding MUCH closer than is normal. Maybe "He moved his horse closer to give her a comforting nudge in the upper arm"?
"Milos slid his hand from Lebarac and addressed my room." Uhh...I think you mean "addressed the room" since they are in the main room of the inn?
"Is it her cooking or her bosom that is bothering you?" Huh? Is he referring to some unknown girl the guy is interested in? Because it sounds like he's referring to the guy being interested in Quela.
Even the grand questioner is not allowed to judge his own neighbors."
Even Lebarac looked visibly relieved at Milos' statement."
I don't like the 2 "evens" being so close together.
"I would ask you the location of the tree, but I see Maril's curse on your cheek." Just checking here -- has it already turned into a bruise and I didn't get that? I think what he means is that he can see that his cheek is cursed, but the bruise hasn't shown itself. Making sure that's what was meant.
"In the sleeping room:" I both like and don't like this. I like that you don't just call it an ordinary bedroom. Nice touch. I don't like that you've not set the scene like a play for any of the other locations. I think you can do it for each, setting your story apart from others, though it may annoy some folks, but I think it would be a fine idea. Optionally, to stick with the norm and not get negative comments about your style, you could just write, "In the sleeping room, Quela grabbed the charm from Milos' fingers." Now, we know where they are, but you didn't do anything strange that would turn the reader off.
"'The Hunger,' they call it." I think this should have single quotes around it because he's quoting what they call it.
""If magic is so bad, how do you justify using it yourself?"
He shrugged. "When a man does something wrong, he will be very bad at it. At first."
"That's not an answer."
"Like anything difficult, it gets easier." He looked her in the eye. "Most eschew magic altogether. I admire them. Attend their funerals, when I can.""
Yeah, yeah, I'm using quotes wrong above, anyway, I really like that exchange!
"You are a dastard and a devil." Huh. I have never seen "dastard" as a noun. I literally looked it up to see if that's the correct usage. Yep. Fun! I learned something new (that I'll likely quickly forget, but still, it makes me happy lol). Thanks for that!
"His smile didn't reach his eyes before he let it drop." I like the smile dropping -- probably seen it before, but don't think it's overused. However, I want you to stretch yourself with the smile not reaching his eyes. Yes, it's accurate, but it's also SO overused. You're more creative than that. I have faith in your ability to say that better/differently. Could I? No way. But I know you can. Hahaha
"She stared in horror." Meh, acceptable, but can you show us the horror instead of telling us?
Huh. Never heard of an alicorn, nor did I know there was a word for that. I'm feeling smarter and smarter all of the sudden. Why wasn't I learning so much earlier? Hahaha! Just teasing. I am really enjoying your story, though. I sincerely hope you're submitting things to publishers!
"There are no answers, let alone right answers." LOVE THAT!
"Familiarity breeds contempt." Okay, so this is supposed to be (I assume) our world in the future (at least, in an alternate universe), so I can see that they might keep some phrases we use today. But also, you've had some really creative phrases that are all theirs. I think I'd prefer to see that here. Or, at the very least, use a new phrase, then add something like "...or as they say, 'Familiarity breeds contempt.'"
"To draw your attention to the fact that you have not." He took a sip, slow and careful, eyes closed for exactly the time it would take to see the killing blow. "Why is that?"
"I don't know."
"Then how can you be a threat to me? You will always not know." Another great scene! Your talent is astounding! You put my feeble attempts at creativity to shame! I'm glad I don't have to compete against you. Hahaha!
"The thundering in their ears and in their hearts came from just up ahead." I'm just being picky here, but your writing is so good, if I wasn't picky, I'd have nothing helpful to say. lol Anyway, I feel like this is saying that the thundering up ahead is also vibrating their hearts like it is their ears. I don't feel like it's saying the thundering up ahead is terrifying them. Maybe something like, "The thundering from just up ahead pressed into their ears and reached down into their hearts" or "The sound just up ahead thundered in their ears and griped cold around their hearts." IDK. I'm sure you can do better. But just something to say that their hearts aren't responding to the loud sound like their ears are, but responding to what the loud sound means.
"Stay behind."
"You know I cannot." Okay, normally, I'm the one taking out the extra space to make it easier for you to see this is the whole part I'm talking about. But in this case, there needs to be a space between the dialogue in the text.
"If you have your hand in my decisions how will you weave your own?" Another great saying from this world!
"She kissed him, a warrior's kiss–a kiss of farewell." Are you getting tired of me telling you all the bits I love? Hahaha! This is another fabulous piece!
"Magelocks" -- Cool name. Not overused, but descriptive. Great choice!
"At the top we see a red faced ogre stamping amid a handful of peasants..." Huh? Shouldn't that be "they see"?
"...lungs breathing cinnamon fire..." Oh, that's fun, different, and unexpected! Great job!
"Eyes bleeding tears of green..." Nice use of alternate phrasing, instead of boring old "green tears." lol
"My mistake," answered Maril. "I thought he was one of the enemy." I'm a bit confused. Maril suddenly appears and is trying to hurt/attack/trap someone? I thought it was Jode, but if the peasants are telling him to stop, I'm guessing not. Milos, maybe? I'm not sure. This situation should be a bit more clear, also we should see the action he's doing. I'm not even sure what he's doing, let alone who he's doing it to. Just a brief sentence description is good enough.
"Maril ran to the abandoned battlefield, bringing a healing kit and tending to Jodes mother and sister." Okay, and now I'm more confused. I thought he'd just run to the battlefield. Where was he before and who was he interacting with before and what was he doing? Also, that should be "Jode's" with an apostrophe.
"She had the right and the duty to impose the will of her heart–one she had never before dared to claim." Check the spacing between "to" and "impose." It seems there's a double space there, though IDK how you can do that without using {s}, but it seems you might have managed somehow. lol
Anyway, great story! Yes, it took me 2 days and over 36k characters to do this review. I'm pretty sure it's my longest review, ever! But it was a really fun and interesting story and in a world that you brought to life through showing language and culture in unexpected ways. Fantastic!
Thank you so much for sharing this! It's a wonderful piece of art! |
| (3.5)
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My review has been submitted for consideration in "
Also, you don't need to capitalize "cowboy" or "businessman." 
It's apparently trickier than I thought. lol
Whether it is or not, I'm back to thinking the instructions don't go with the words like you have them here. 
Keep sharing your work with us. I do enjoy it! 
Thank you!
Anyway, I'm assuming you listed the genres in a dropnote because the contest said to? Otherwise, they aren't necessary. 
You just posted the exact same thing (as far as I can tell) right above. Am I missing something?
Nope, definitely want to remedy that with another review. 
), so good job! You can change that genre to something useful. Genres are the #1 way people search for things to read, so don't miss out on 1/3 of your possible readers because you only used 2 legit genres. 
I totally forgot they died! 
Without having even read the story, if you're listing Pets, I'm sure you can list Animals. I would guess also Home/Garden, based on the title. I've started reading and think you should go with Comedy as the other option. 
