Was this for a contest entry? I think the imagery is good, and in the beginning you started to develop the characters well, but as I read on, the story seemed to do a 180 and only deal with dialogue and action. A couple of technical points: In lines 14 and 20, the words jonesing, and Big Gulp don't need quotes, and further down, 'discussion', etc. Also, in the end, you misspelled Worcester. I really liked the beginning but it seemed to lose some quality toward the middle, and then regain it in toward the end. I hope this helps, and keep at it!
Interesting indeed. This reminds me of something from the OZARK MOUNTAIN TALES. The spacing in this makes it difficult to read and confusing, but thats an easy fix.
"Sue’s mom was a wise woman. She knew about the way her world works. It was programmed into her genes and strengthened by her mother’s and.." The wording here is confusing is SHE Sue, or Su'e mother? "..knew about the way the world works" is a grammatical error..knew is past tense, works is present tense. There are a few other sentences like this that could use improvement, but this really is an entertaining bit!
Very melodramatic, never a bad thing. If there was more detail about specifics incidents like the camping trip, and the "drug deal", and told a little more through action, it would be a lot tighter. You get the message across, but if there was more detail about the drug use, it would make more sense at the end. Write on!
I like the story overall. I think the background information was great. The plot had me, but the ending is confusing, so i went back to the beginning. I think you could expand the ending to mesh back in with the current events taking place in the beginning. I liked the character development a lot.
This is awesome! You definitely utilized your twenty-five words. Very Effective and I'm interested to read more from you; You seem like my kind of story-teller! I don't have suggestions for improvement because its only 25 words and its great! write on and may the creative force be with you!
This is refreshing! I love it! I enjoy haikus, and a lot of people forget they are supposed to be nature based. I think this perfect, and I'm going to read the expanded version next! Keep writing, you have a keen sense of imagery and placement that is evident even in 3 stanzas!
You have a decent grasp on imagery and you know when and where to use it. I thin k this could be a LOT tighter and you have left room to expand. I like the alliteration, and I think you could take that further as a way to tighten it, and pull it together.
I can't wait to see more! I did not notice any typos, and I am anxious to find out what the real story is here. Since this is chapter 7 and chapter 8, its obvious the characters have been developed in the previous chapters. I would encourage a little more setting imagery, but like I said, i haven't read the previous chapters, so I may do that now.
I absolutely love this story overall! Great character development! I love the imagery of the tattoo, and I also like the way the story was told in a way that the average person can relaye to! I would love to read more about Bill Anderson and his adventures! I noticed one typo, but besides that, the story was well constructed, and well developed!
This is the second story Ive read by you, and I really like the fact that you use different scenarios and characters. I am a huge horror/ comic book fan and this reminds me almost of a graphic novel in its imagery. I don't know that I would change this, but I notice a lack of emotional connection in the main characters' (both in this and in writer's block) overall personality. I don't know if this is on purpose, but it definitely works for the genre. The only suggestion I would make for this story is that you might consider adding a sub genre of supernatural.
Printed from https://writing.com/main/profile/reviews/sara2009
All Writing.Com images are copyrighted and may not be copied / modified in any way. All other brand names & trademarks are owned by their respective companies.
Generated in 0.08 seconds at 1:55am on Nov 26, 2024 via server WEBX1.
View Portfolio
Visit Notebook
Send Gift Points
Awards
Badges
Send Email
Community Newsfeed
General Discussion
Sponsored Items
Book of Trinkets
Static Items
Books
Groups
Interactive Stories
Audio
Campfire Creatives
Community Notes
Crossword Puzzles
Documents
Folders
Images
In & Outs
Madlibs
Photo Albums
Polls
Product Reviews
Quizzes
Survey Forms
Web Pages
Word Searches
