What do I think? I think a poem such as this needs to rhyme because it's lyrically rich. Could I turn it into a rhyming poem? Absolutely but then it wouldn't be your words. I really like the topic and the imagery but it needs the power of well thought out rhyme because written like this does not give it flow. All writing should flow whether prose or poetry.
Okay, first off you know how to write. Second point is that you appreciate format poetry which requires adhering to specific 'rules'. Where you lose my attention is your misspelling renga which made me go look up renge wondering what I'd missed when I worked my way through poetic styles back in 2003 when I was exploring the art of poetry.
Sir, I implore you not to wave your mistake away by 'labeling' it a typo. Embrace your ability to be human and accept your error.
From what I've discovered [just now because I'd forgotten] renga is usually a collaborative style of poetry involving three or more poets and based upon the tanka. I've done a series of collaborative haiku with another poet which was ... well .. it went on for days ... I've written tanka too but never delved into a renga and am unlikely to do so.
Now, I see no reason for a poet to avoid poetry styles because they aren't able to rustle up a couple more writers who are willing to give it a whirl. I don't believe it's imperative to follow pure tanka themes either. I've veered off into writing sonnets about my old truck Zeke rather than fail at producing an acceptable traditional sonnet.
Do I like your poem? Actually yes I do because it has good vocabulary bones. I can write a decent dark poem myself and have done so many times.
Okay, I liked this because it's fun. I won't offer a critque because I don't believe light hearted poetry should be pulled apart. I enjoyed the moment.
Hello there, nice to meet you. I'm new here and just feeling my way around the place. When I first join a site I tend to introduce myself and then spend a few minutes reading poetry and leaving honest comments.
I don't believe written sound effects add to the power of a poem. I really liked your links with explorers and history too. Impressed with you choosing microcosm too because I used that once to refer to a tide pool.
I found the line with enthralled to be redundant because you've proved it without referring to it specifically. I'd keep the 'this water' and then run it into was last leaving Bermuda. I'd remove the other places it might of come from to give emphasis to your 'knowledge' of where it's been. If you waffle it creates an uncertainty you don't - as a poet - want to project. Does that make sense to you?
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