This is a nice and well-written poem. I think there should be a comma after the sentence "You have the power to change it all." rather than a period.
In stanzas 4 and 5 you suddenly change from rhyming couplets to lines which rhyme alternately. It kind of takes away from the flow of the poem. I think those last two stanzas could be reworked to read more like the first ones.
Because your the only girl
Hi, Jake, an interesting poem. I would like to hear the music to it. I think it would be hard to sing as it doesn't seem to have any kind of set rhythm, but I guess it could work. It definitely needs some work in the grammar department.
When I'm ill your always there to heal the pain - you're, not your
Cause your the only one - 'Cause, not cause
And thats all that matters - that's, not thats
But I don't and that makes me feel like a fuckin bum - fuckin', not fuckin
are love puzzle- our, not are
your devils claw - devil's, not devils
An now are love has been weared away - our, not are
I should of realised this day was coming - should have, not should of
But now thats all changed - that's, not thats
Most men would of fucked you over adventurely - would have, not would of, also I don't think adventurely is a word, and I am unsure of what you are trying to say here.
This poem/song has potential. I would be happy to re-read and re-rate it once you have cleaned up the grammar.
Hi, Mcarolloc, I enjoyed reading your satirical poem about fashion. You seem to know your fashion fairly well for one who writes against it. A clever poem that flows nicely and makes a good point. No obvious grammatical errors or typos. A nice comfortable poem, but it didn't WOW me. Keep up the good work. Best Wishes, Cynaemon
Hi, Denise, Very very nice. Not only have you done a great job of writing an acrostic in couplets, but you have painted a lovely picture of the object about which you are writing. I sometimes think that the shorter the poem the better. It forces us as writer's to really think about what we are saying and to choose our words with a certain exactness. You have gone beyond being a mere technician and become an artist. I felt that I was the kite.
Hi, Kathie, I liked your poem and what you are trying to say, but I felt like maybe you were trying to say too much, or maybe not enough. You start out with a person being born and becoming blind, then move on to talking about that person's life as it is now, then all of a sudden you are talking about that person's (seeing-eye) dog and that relationship. There didn't seem to be a good transition there. I thought you should have either added more about the dog and that relationship, or left it out completely.
However, this was a very good effort. Thanks for sharing about something many of us never think about.
Hi, Tim, I loved your poem. Who could dream anyone would write a poem about a cherry tomato?!? But really it is so much more. You paint a lovely picture of an easy friendship, and invite the reader to share the moment. I like the free flow of this poem, and the way the ending leads the reader to join in this ongoing friendship. I saw no typos or obvious grammatical errors. Keep up the good work. Best Wishes, Cynaemon
Hi, Red Butterfly, I like the twist on this old story, telling it from the Prince's point of view. That is nice.
But there are a number of other problems with this. You have started the story in the present tense, and then suddenly change tenses in the second paragraph. In fact, you seem to change tenses quite a bit.
Also, "never mind" is poor grammar. It should be "let alone". You have used this phrase several times.
Milk-maiden is a hyphenated word.
looked jealously at us as they left - I believe you meant to say as "we" left.
I would like to see you rewrite this piece and improve on the grammatical errors. I would be happy to read and rate it again.
You have written some very nice haiku. I really enjoyed reading them. In a really pure haiku you would probably not use words like you and your. The sentiments should be entirely about nature. But that is a minor point, and I am not picky. I have a tendency to do the same thing.
In "Labyrinth" there are only six syllables in line two. A minor point. Other than that, grea job.
Hi, Jam, Welcome to writing.com. Hope you enjoy your stay here.
This is a really nice little poem. You have done a great job with a subject that could be boring. I didn't see any typos or obvious grammatical errors. Keep up the good work.
Hi, C.J., I love this. What a great mystery. I can't wait to read the rest. It has just the right amount of vampire gore and erotic sexiness. And what a perfect setting for a vampire inn. You really do paint vivid pictures with your words. And the dialog really carries the reader along. Great job! Cynaemon
Hi, Chryseis47, Wow! This is an awesome poem, and a poem which I think will and should touch all readers. I think it hits upon many universal truths for many of us. The sadness and horrors that many of us knew growing up, the elephants in the living room of which we did not speak. And the truth that forgiveness speaks only truth, and that will eventually set us free. It is sad to think that even as adults we still remember, we still feel, and we still continue to heal.
Your poem is beautiful and very well-written. Thank you, Cynaemon
Hi, McKinley Rose, I really enjoyed your little article on how to find time to write. Although I do not have any children to disrupt me, I always find that I have a million other things to do. Clean the house, run errands, vet appointments for the cats.... I guess we all really have busy lives. I am not sure there is an answer to this age old question. Discipline? Concentration? A "just do it now" attitude? Or is it more that we should just give ourselves the gift of time to persue the things we love.
Well, do keep on writing, and best wishes. Cynaemon
Hi, Tim Chiu, I reaaly enjoyed reading your cowboy poem. It is a very well-written description, and the poem flows nicely. There were no typos or obvious grammatical errors. I just wish the poem had been a bit longer. It seems to just stop, and leave the reader hanging.
Hi, Little Momma, This is such a beautiful and heartfelt poem. I really enjoyed it, perhaps because it reminds me of many of my own experiences. Just because we say goodbye does not necessarily mean that we ever stop loving.
The poem is well-written and flows very nicely. Keep up the good work. Best Wishes, Cynaemon
This is a cute and interesting story, and I enjoyed reading it. You answered the prompt in a nice and humorous way. I did not see any typos or grammatical errors. I find myself wondering what happened to the dog and the shoes. Keep writing. Best Wishes, Cynaemon
What a nice story, I really enjoyed this. I love stories about animals, but I also liked the fact that there is a much deeper meaning to your story. it is well-written and easy to read, but keeps the reader interested. I just had to find out if Alfred made it back home. I am glad he did.
One little typo: should be canvas, not canvass.
He wove his own melodies as he glided through the infinite canvass of space
I liked this. It was interesting and different. I couldn't decide whether to laugh or to cry, poor rooster. But at least it did make me stop and think for a minute.
As for the style of poem, it was one I did not recognize. I suppose you did a good job with it. I wish you had explained the style.
I like the way you paint a picture which is easily seen by the reader. Keep up the good work.
Very interesting poem. I like the feelings and emotions which one feels as they read it. The poem has an interesting rhythm. I also like the way you address the "claim" three times. I think this gives it a certain spritiual power. Keep writing. Cynaemon
Hi, Roscoe, Nice poem written in an interesting form. I thought this form was supposed to be a bit more "about nature", but perhaps I misunderstood. I liked the sense of humor in this poem. Congratulations on being showcased in the poetry newsletter. Hugs, Cynaemon
I really enjoyed your poem very much. It sounds a lot like many other poems of this sort, but that is what I liked about it. Even though you used a "tried and true" formula, you still made it sound original. And I did not find any spelling or obvious grammar errors, as is so often the case. Congratulations on being showcased in the Spiritual newsletter.
Intersting beginning to a story. I think this has some good potential. You lead the reader along nicely, and leave lots of unanswered questions, which I assume will be revealed in future chapters.
You need to work on your grammer and spelling though.
For example: "despite there beautiful faces" should be "their"
the door to the padded room opened with a load groan
A very interesting little poem. I see that it is a group of haiku, or senryu, and you have done a good job with them. I like the way the verses leave questions in one's mind. I am not sure that I necessarily agree with your sentiments though. However, from a purley poetic point of view, a good poem. Keep up the good work. Cynaemon
Hi, Biancarayne, I very much enjoyed your poem. I like the idea behind of, of your blossoming and becoming you. This sentence :
"So that it had slowly become me.".
I think should read "so that it slowly became me." Just seems to flow better.
I would like to see you expand this poem. You mention the silence and the rain, but you did not really develop the wind aspect of the poem.
Good Job. Keep up the good work. Hugs, Cynaemon
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