\"Writing.Com
*Magnify*
SPONSORED ITEMS
BY ONLINE AUTHORS
Printed from https://writing.com/main/profile/reviews/ness/sort_by/r.review_creation_time DESC/page/5
Review Requests: OFF
616 Public Reviews Given
1,273 Total Reviews Given
Public Reviews
Previous ... 1 2 3 4 -5- 6 7 ... Next
101
101
Review of Autumns' Flower  Open in new Window.
Review by ness Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)

I cannot launch straight into commenting on how this is written without taking time to enjoy how you have shared your memory of your grandmother. Thank you.

The opening was bitter and rundown, which I think is how you intended it to read, with her at a low ebb. The reader rejoices with you as things blossom.

You described how she looked - I am bad about writing visually, and I admire your ability to draw pictures in the text.

I have been told that the easiest way to find the true home of a comma is to read over a sentence and see where the pauses fall naturally. If they break up the sense of what is said, then they get in the way of understanding rather than helping. It's more of an art than a science, and commas are a grey area sometimes, but I think there are 2 commas here which interrupt the sense. Tragedy turned into hope that year, and the new found love, my Nana and I shared, blossomed. The one after year sounds good, but "my Nana and I shared" should run without a break.


my mislead feelings towards her I think that is misled, there.
She had been admonished by most of her family to a life of drunken solitude. admonished is scolded, but this sounds more like she was exiled.
102
102
Review by ness Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.0)

I love fairy tales - thank you for writing this version of Red Riding Hood. It's a fresh take on the story to bring Granny centre stage and end it where you did, and I felt for the poor woman (it has been flu season lately, and of course that may have been what inspired you *Smile* )

The ending was unexpected - I mean, her final thought.

Some wording things struck me:
her fray, fraught hanky frayed, I think. I read fraught in this context as bunched-up, and don't want to argue with alliteration, handy tool that it is, and fitting to a genre rooted in oral retellings. *Smile*
handkerchief.. teeming with wet patches teeming is a word that I would think of as solids or lifeforms, but this line is about liquids, (not to get too graphic) Teeming with germs makes sense by my understanding, but your lady is more worried about reaching the limits of absorbancy. Would another word work for you here?
A Robin’s breast I thought that was her grand daughter arriving on first read. As it is a bird reminding her of the child, capitalising the robin is unnecessary.
103
103
Review by ness Author IconMail Icon
Rated: ASR | (5.0)
What an excellent article, thoughtful and thought-provoking. I had not read anything before on the subject of composing those "meet the author" blurbs you find on the backs of books.

I work as a bookseller, and I can endorse particularly strongly the quote about being able to pitch a book in a soundbite if it is to sell. I am not quite so sure about the value of listing one's membership of a genre writers' association, but maybe the trade are more cynical about this kind of data than the public.

The article and the links are wonderful. I especially like the way you give bullet points at the top, then expand on each instruction.
104
104
Review of What Not to Write  Open in new Window.
Review by ness Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)

I'm going to start with a disclaimer. I do use coloured and font in reviews, mostly red to quote the phrases in your work I'm referring to. I lurk a lot at Wee's reviewing forum, so I know you're unkeen on the colour and the unbridled fontage.

Having said that, while I read this list of peeves, was agreeing with many of your points, although some of them I don't share your strength of feeling on. (Double posting titles is unnecessary, but not worth (IMO) getting upset about. Not that I'm telling you what you should get upset over, am only saying that it's a lesser infraction than, say, txt-speak, u no.


Descriptions: "Great piece" and "Please review"
Wordy Word McWord to that. A dictionary of Word.
Er, I agree.
I detest "please review" more than anything in a brief description, but "a very deep poem, it will change your life" runs it close.

Quick defence of the hobby writers, who say "I don't want criticism." When I started here, it took me ages to get fully to grips with how to post an item. All my things are ratable, because that is, I think, the default way to post. And, once I got some comments, I wanted to keep them on record. I fear that if I altered the setting, my record of those past reviews would disappear. (Have long since deleted the inbox copies.) Unratable items tend not to be as visible on the site, so.. Actually, this argument strays from private to public writing.

Ignoring Your Readership
Another think you just shouldn't do thing.

Suggestions:
Using the genres correctly. That would be my peeve, frankly. As a poetryphobe, I loathe clicking on prose to find the rhyming stuff. I thought prose was non-poetry, but am wondering was my definition wrong for years.

Also, it is important - this is mostly something newbies do - to use as many genres as possible (accurately, please: why bother filing your supernatural love story as computer-nonfiction-article?) so that you get exposure to the kind of readers who want to read what you want to write.

Am putting this on public in hopes that others will follow the link back, see this, and maybe give you fruitful ranting topics.

Thank you. I liked the way this was laid out, with the sub headings. And you are a very clear communicator.
105
105
Review of Regrets  Open in new Window.
Review by ness Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (2.5)
The content of this is interesting - an honest account of someone's life can't be anything but interesting - but the way it reads doesn't do you justice.

First, the summary line beneath the title.
Things I would lile to change about me but not worth changing (like to change) This hovers between changing and not-changing, so I don't know which you want.

The body of this article is all one big long paragraph. It would read more easily and look better if you broke it into a few, shorter, paragraphs, with blank lines between. It gives the readers' eyes rest that way.

There are some spelling errors; "quiet" for "quit," "stronggest" for "strongest," "collage" for "college," "indevors" for "endeavours." Wait, you'll want "endeavors." Am writing in UK spelling.

Yet, even from far away, I can identify with what you say. I, too, have less education than my colleagues, and I wish to God I'd paid attention long ago in school. When you're a kid, you don't have the same priorities, and when you're an adult, it's amazing to think back to that mindset.

Are there voluntary programmes, say, through your local parish or some charity organisation, that could use your help? In my experience of working for voluntary (charity) groups, they offer training and support if you can in turn offer to be a reliable adult with regular slots of time. Sunday schools, creches, there are lots of places that are crying out for good and gentle people.
106
106
Review by ness Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
There are a couple of typos - and that's the reason for this not being a five star. Also, for the sake of your readers' eyes, (red-rimmed from sobbing over heartless ladies and faithless men), I would request a blank line between paragraphs.

My, you have suffered. This is almost loving in the way it bashs C+W music. Thank you for the laugh it gave me.

fashion sensible I think I know what you mean, but I think it could be better phrased.
wallow in there own pity, their
107
107
Review by ness Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (3.5)
The self doubting paragraph that opens this.. please delete it. It drives off your readers. Diffidence is natural when you're revealing a story out of your imagination, but fake a brazen attitude.

The land is overrun by a species of Homans, with a lifespan up to 500 years that have never seen before Good sentence up to 500 years, but what does the sub-clause "that have never seen before" relate to?

The first chapter feels crowded - runon sentences (which read as breathless narration) a lot of information delivered in condensed form, too much to take in. You treat this back story as prologue, and you're trying to get to the story proper fast.

All of which means that these short paragraphs are over burdened with info-dumping. My suggestion isn't to lose the material. It's good and it's plotty, and it's essential to the later development. I would say, pick a couple of key scenes (at least) and make set pieces of this, with dialogue and some visuals of the Ganliks. I had no sense of what they were at the end of this bit, and as a reader I should have.

Mind, this is good story, but it needs to be extended with details and speech and people. It's like a stock cube now; add water and make it into something delicious.

By the way, when you do get going with dialogue, it reads very teenspeak to me. I mean, it authentically sounds the way people talk.

Some their/they're, your/you're, to/too type typos.

They are; the Harloquin eighth which is the lowest strata, I’m in that. A Ganlik semicolon has infiltrated your prose to discredit you.

There're a couple of places - the beginning, the end of chapter 2 - where you pause midstream to address the reader directly. This is high risk. Great writers have done it - Thackeray does it a lot for instance, but it's a controversial move, and even the classics which employ the technique get marked down by the literary critics. The reason some readers hate it is that they feel ripped out of the story at the writer's whim then dumped back in again, and the shift in tone cripples their suspension of disbelief.

She wore contacts though she wouldn’t admit it to anyone and perfect eyebrows to go with them. The way this runs I wonder did Maria pick up her nice eyebrows from the same shop she got the contact lenses. Try not to have two different thoughts in the same sentence. Looking at her face, you'd see the eye colour and think "oh, she has nice eyebrows, too." So the one thought led to the other. Put it in the following sentence, maybe? I'm making a silly fuss about a workable sentence, but the thing this made me think was that many times, your sentences would work better broken down a bit into multiple sentences.

Your hero/heroine (don't know which yet, and am in chapter 4) appears to be obsessed by everyone's eyebrows. Quirky. *Smile*



“Yeah, I know that there is no way that I could have heard correctly.”

“Because that would mean EDITED FOR SPOILER REASONS.”

“And that would mean EDITED FOR SPOILER REASONS.” I said slowly trying to come to grips with it.

I hereby let you off fixing all the your/you're (not really) so long as you rewrite this passage. It is your classic sci-fi, people-explaining-things-to-each-other-they-already-know scene. I'm an old Blakes7 fan; I was glued to Dr Who waybackwhen, this is familiar stuff. I know it will be hard to write this so that the reader picks up the situation and the characters don't sound weird, but try. Are any of them likely to be yammering and panicking and while they yammer what they have to do flows out of the, er, yammer?

*o blast unfinished*

This is well worth continuing with and concluding, but there are a lot of typo fixes to do, and chapter one, as I said, needs to be less textbook, more novel. People are all too apt to click out if you don't hook em into your story right away, and this is getting better as it moves along into its action-adventure strengths.




108
108
Review by ness Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Interesting essay. I could see you were angry, but you backed up your statements. A couple of places, you said: "go look this up on the internet" - it might strengthen your case if you put a couple of http addresses in to show your backup.


Not a single Christian has been executed for the purpose of being a Christian. "For the purpose of" reads wrong here. I think that phrase tends to mean a result that was intended, while execution is not something many believers seek out - there have been deliberate martyrs before now, but I don't think that's what this statement is about. I would suggest (tentatively) "executed for their Christianity," or "executed by reason of their Christianity."

Criticism yes, persecution, no way. This is one of those telegram sentences which are clearer if expanded. I read it as "Yes, they are being criticised, but no way are they being persecuted." But my preference for the longwinded is a stylistic thing.
109
109
Review by ness Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (2.5)
Good start, needs work.

The ALLCAPS thing is a pain to read. If you do the boring English thing and break this into paragraphs, add commas for breathing spaces and so forth.

Then take another look at the story. What happened before and after the part of the story we see here? What did the other members of the class think of Corky? (Did they think he was funny, or was he the only one to think that?) What was Mr Howard like?
110
110
Review of Myths of Poetry  Open in new Window.
Review by ness Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Wow.

This myth debunker piece breaks down a lot of mystique about poetry. It puts obligations as a reader in place of that disengagment - now I can't tell myself that poetry is another country; they do things differently there. I'll have to read carefully, and try again and understand this form.

(*sigh* I find metre very difficult.)
111
111
Review of Dynamic Duo  Open in new Window.
Review by ness Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
The Emily Dickenson and Emily Post dialogue - would have a lot of dashes - and death - but with frightfully elegantly presented baked funeral meats - and both Emilies would be terribly polite -

WINKLETT YOU HAVE INFECTED MY BRAIN WITH STRANGENESS: STOP IT.

I like the passive aggressive chap in this script.
112
112
Review by ness Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.5)
Thank you for this article - inside track on the mysterious ways of publishers is always worth knowing. *Smile* The made-up names in the letters amused me, too.

The last time I was in a publisher's office, the thing that awed me most was the sheer size of the slush pile of manuscripts sent in on spec. Vast, threatening to topple over. And one anxious man hunched at a desk overshadowed by them.
113
113
Review of City  Open in new Window.
Review by ness Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.5)
Why is it called City? It is about one person. I don't know who. This poem is about the inside of that person, and their outside is a mystery.

I don't know the meaning of this. I've read it over, (and I love the asides within brackets) and I love the way the words sing. But I don't feel as if I know what happened. Perhaps that is the point.
114
114
Review of Medieval Soldier  Open in new Window.
Review by ness Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.5)
Your soldier has a very modernly cynical outlook - though I suppose soldiers always had cause to be cynical. The comedy of this really worked. I think your hero probably fought like Shakespeare's Falstaff. That is, his battle was not magnificent or at all risktaking, but the account of it he gave down the pub afterwards was terrific.

The bit about arrows landing three feet in front of the enemy reminded me of old Cecil B DeMille films, or things like that William Wallace film a few years back.

Cavalry are the mounted troops. Calvary is the hill Jesus was crucified on.

I’m the king of the world” those Calvary guys think I think a sentence ended at "world." so that would be of the world." Those cavalry guys
115
115
Review of Little Things  Open in new Window.
Review by ness Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
I loved this, and laughed out loud (in a public place: they're looking at me weirdly now). I can't think of a single thing I'd suggest to alter it.

At this point, I usually go into copyeditor mode, to see if I can say constructive stuff. No, the spelling and grammar and presentation were perfect as far as I could see.

The suggested responses to Murphy's Law covered it all. You have a wonderful droll style.
116
116
Review of The Martha Files  Open in new Window.
Review by ness Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
The Steven King novel etched on a pyrex dish is an image that's going to stay with me. I don't want it to, but it's there for a long stay.

This is five stars for the comedy value, but the presentation lets it down a bit at some points. It looks like a cut and paste job that chopped up some of the paragraphs brutally.

There are a couple of places where the flow hiccups. Hmm, not phrasing that at all well..
Opening paragraph. My husband is insane. doesn't really connect with the rest of the paragraph, and the bit about weather doesn't tie in with the (barbeque) rest of the piece.

The ending was very abrupt - and you know, I wouldn't see that as a flaw if I hadn't been enjoying this so much. This was very entertaining, and it read like someone talking, a great storyteller talking.

I want to read more by you, because this was addictive humour.
117
117
Review of Tough Love  Open in new Window.
Review by ness Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
This read emotionally true - your Ron was thoroughly unpleasant, but you wrote him honestly, with his own compulsion to behave the way he did. He talks with remarkable stiltedness - What love can exist when you will not compromise yourself to my needs? but this is a rehearsed scene for him, right?


The interior of this - the stream of consciousness - was much better than the external scene setting, I thought. The dropped in data about eye colouring, and "her perfect face" jarred a little for me.
118
118
Review by ness Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (5.0)
This was to be of his many major public fasts, Missing word here? This is from the paragraph opening "Owing to his poor health.."

One of the things I most liked about this was the way you gave the quotes first, then the chronology of his life, with very little editorial comment (though temptation must have been fierce), then gave your personal response to Gandhi in the appendix in blue. I knew less than I ought about him, alas, only the Attenborough biopic and the story of him being asked his opinion on Western Civilisation. He said, "I think it would be a very good idea."

Thank you very much for this item.
119
119
Review by ness Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hah! Edition 2 of the review mixer. Good idea to have a length requirement - it will choke the "good job now gimme points" problem.

Clearly set out *Smile* (stays under 250)
120
120
Review by ness Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.0)
Lol, the menu longer than a Russian novel has that effect on me, but I have the excuse that I live in England so I drink tea, thank you Mr Starbucks.

I was smiling and reading this, running through the sentences fast to know what happened. (Not much, objectively. You bought shoes and had a coffee. But the way you told it, I was all agog.) You write like someone talking.

I have to say this, 'cos I always say it when it comes up. Please put a blank line between paragraphs by hitting enter twice at the end. In a piece this long or shorter, it isn't such a big deal, but it's good practice in case you write something long, and big blocks of text are hard to focus on.

The other thing is a minor suggestion:
with out moving my head without is fine, I think (who ever, also, is fine as whoever)
and looked at my toes, they felt exposed maybe I should have got combat boots instead. Full stop after "exposed," perhaps, and give the combat boots their own sentence? You have a tendency to weld two sentences together using semi colons. I too have a weakness for this; but I have been urged to use the trick in moderation. (I like the effect, but I must ration it. I mention this as misery loves company.) *sigh*
121
121
Review of Hold the Pickle  Open in new Window.
Review by ness Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
This is so funny. I love the deadpan way you tell the story, and the economy of phrasing. The way the conversation runs on is very true to that kind of temporary, boring job. Every word in this helps toward the effect. The timing of this is brilliant.

I liked this story, and loved the way you told it.

between the counter and women's casual top's. I think tops doesn't require that apostrophe.
122
122
Review of The Review Mixer  Open in new Window.
Review by ness Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (5.0)
So.. we do a substantial review of a port new to us.. and we get a reward!

Fantastic idea for getting us out and about! There are so many people here, that it's tempting to stick with the ports we know, but who knows where a bit of exploration might lead.

*is all surprised* How long has this feature been running? *looks at creation of item date* Oh. *Wink*

Sticking this on public review pour encourager les autres

Thank you
123
123
Review of Beloved Benny  Open in new Window.
Review by ness Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Thank you for emailing me when you altered this piece.

I think the rewrite strengthens it. You've given a lot more background to her journey to this point, and she seemed more real as a result.

There is, though, one line which remains cloudy for me ~ It would have been easier except for the unbalanced weight of the table, with thick granite tiles covering half of the surface, only to meet a soft, foamy wood on a jagged line down the middle. I think that is a sentence trying to do too much. Perhaps if you ended at "weight of the table," and put the description of the construction/appearance of Benny into another sentence/sentences? I still could not visualise the furniture: the blend of stone chip and "soft, foamy wood" (balsa?) sounded odd. I'm assuming it was an ugly table, that few would love. *Smile*
124
124
Review by ness Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.5)
What a wonderful topic Boswell is. His diaries so full of himself, of everything around him, and still more of himself. Social history, and smut, and anxious attempts to impress the neighbours, together with carefully plotted strategies of how to achieve his aims. He incriminates himself into your affections with the most appalling revelations of himself like Pepys before him.

Um. *Blush* Yes, I already liked Boswell. You've done him justice in this biographical essay.

not with writing a book, though he had that in mind; it was living his own life with style and prepostorous secrecy.. entered upon life with a more over-weening ambition than himself, and none ever left it with a more complete real-ization of failure.( These lines I admired for the way you summed Boswell up. Judging from the diary excerpts and biographies I've read, it sounds accurate, and the shape of the sentences here, ebullient with sub-clauses, echoes the period gently.

There's a wealth of data here. *Smile* Bibliography appended, too. Seeing the note at the end reminds me of the fuss over the extra Boswell papers being discovered in Malahide Castle - by the way, did you ever get to read the recent biography Boswell's Presumptuous Task? You might enjoy it; it was sympathetic to the man. The author shares your feeling that Boswell wrote his own biography in writing Johnson's.

Back to the bibliography. I wonder would it be possible to put that in a separate item, and make links out of the numbered footnotes in the text, to save scanning up and down from top to bottom of the item. I suggest that because of the length of this at 47KB.

This starts with two almost-sentences. James Boswell in London is a series of extended stays. From, in 1762, he visits London at twenty-two, through brief excursions for the purpose of seeing Samuel Johnson, his business ventures to Oxford as a man of letters and on up to the time before and after his admittance to the Literary Club. They read like notes - the information compressed past grammar. This ultra-compression repeats all the way through this piece.

struggles with his father were mere scirmishes.(12) misspelling of skirmish? (I had to look it up)As his (Johnson's) circle of friends, they took the idea as his good nature unfolding. This sentence confused me. It followed the list of nicknames he gave the group. I was not able to work out what "idea" it referred to.
There are typos, particularly in the latter half of this because of the sheer length, I know. Mostly truncated words, such as when "be" made it to the screen as "e," "wre" for "were," or "acomplisment."

Overall, thank you immensely for all the work you put into this (so many years ago *Smile*) Boswell is fascinating, and so is your essay on him.
125
125
Review by ness Author IconMail Icon
Rated: ASR | (5.0)
I wish I were erudite enough to review this as it deserves, but thank you for posting it. I learned a lot from this piece, and it was fascinating. Especially interesting was the part about how the plot and sub-plot of Lear interweave despite their originating in different texts.

I think this was cut and pasted from elsewhere - the column of text is quite narrow on the page at the mid-point of your essay.

There is one sentence that lost me. Note here that the particular critics of the King Lear sources is perhaps the most interesting, thought-provoking
point in case. I'm not clear what this sentence means.


typos:
a kind of projection of the mad Kind, the mad Fool, and the beggar typo, King.
As well his custom, he amp-lified and complicated his original fable As was his custom
170 Reviews • *Magnify*
Page of 7 • 25 per page   < >
Printed from https://writing.com/main/profile/reviews/ness/sort_by/r.review_creation_time DESC/page/5