I read far too many broadsheet book reviews; it took me a few sentences to realise this was a joke item. Sad, that. Sadder still, the way we bad reviewers can hype up our responses till we're talking drivel.
A representation of Dali’s masterwork, with the same dark foreboding, the same terrible beauty, but also with guacamole. Guacamole makes everything better. *nodnod*
Extremely readable memoir piece, and you are so spot on about how one's memories sometimes don't match the evidence - yet that's what one remembers, anyhow.
I think my favourite part was the recipe for concoctions. Hah, my Mum wrote an extra letter to me in thrilled excitement, the day it occurred to her, Ness, I just realised! You can use tinned condensed soup as a pasta sauce!!
The hair cutting was priceless. (That happened to me, too. Hmmm, I think my family must've been Irish democrats.)
Runon sentences give a particular pace to a piece but perhaps an edit to break some of them up into their constituent parts would improve this.
My brother Toms' hair - Tom's hair different than - different from
Absolutely. This r/r/r is short, fervently though I cheer on your words, because I want to avoid 250chars. Here, let me help you promote it. We need to appreciate our fortune, and help share it.
What a fascinating recollection of a slice of social history. Options are a wonderful thing, whether to skip fish on Fridays or over more important matters. Also, of course one values the multicultural choices one has today, but a piece like this forces the reader to acknowledge the price we pay - the lack of a shared world of weekly rhythms and sensations. It is extraordinary to think how much daily life changes in the course of a lifetime. And how I envy you those frozen custards; they sound yummy!
You had me wondering for most of this, why your character was so furtive - I guessed the reason, but wasn't sure. I suspect this was the aim of the story, and it worked splendidly. It left me with sad thoughts about modern outcasts.
You made a point that your POV character was being chivvied by the much younger guard. That is hard, too, in that situation; being bossed about by the younger generation and feeling belittled by it. And the cashier's response was very real.
That’s where he had to get too.
There are three too/two/to words - this one should be to as in towards. Too means also, which doesn't work here.
Sandwich is the usual spelling, from the earl of Sandwich who invented them during a marathon gambling session.
I am a "soulless reviewer" who is madly, insanely, Byronically grateful (ie: I may go and fight for Greek independence) for this item. The soullessness rests in preferring prose to poetry - the passion, in frequently clicking on "prose" on the site only to find rhyming stuff in stanzas.
Anyway, a big bouquet *flower* to you Vivian for writing this item. It is, as ever from you, clear and intelligent and English Teacher-ly. Is the example poem yours?
I felt you jumped back and forth too much in the story when you were listing the deviations in the versions. Though, to be fair, it's an extremely wellknown story.
I have to say (slightly off topic) that the Cinderella story always left me wondering.. about those poor courtiers that were handed over to the nasty step-sisters. Since they were such horrible girls, was the prince forcing lords he really disliked to suffer?
similar in some respects and different then others different in others
This was an affecting snapshot in words - thank you so much for sharing it. Children are very endearing when they are so earnest in building their skills, and the parallel between the footballers and the musician was lightly, smartly indicated.
Most of it was in the present tense, which brought the reader into the moment. But some sentences were in the past.
Toward the end, a couple things niggled at me. I let my eyes digress Digress sounds like the wrong verb here. It means wander, yes, but minds and thoughts digress - I don't think eyes do. Perhaps, stray, or something like that?
Shrieking out in thrill In thrill doesn't fit the sentence grammatically. Shrieking out, thrilled - or - Shrieking at the thrill of it. (The second suggestion I just put is borderline okay.)
One of the boy's eyes This boy is the guitarist, yes? If it were the several footballers, it would be one of the boys' eyes. But when you specify that one out of a pair of eyes is doing one thing, you make the reader wonder about the other, and that wondering distracts them from what you wrote. "The boy's eyes," would be simpler.
Ahh, cheap hotels, God love them. But hey, when you're somewhere glamourous, you only need a safe dumping space for luggage and a bed for your unconscious hours - Florence is a beautiful city.
I wanted paragraph breaks for my old eyes in this. I know it's a journal entry, but it is long enough to need breaking up, I think. I lost my place in the read a couple of times.
But I came back and found my place again for the vital reason that you caught my interest and held it all the way through.
was there, at the hotel I would be staying at for one night until my apartment was ready (i.e. the national holiday over so that people go back to work and I can get my key!!) The verb tense inside the brackets doesn't seem to match.
How could I resist clicking on this? My nickname as a child was Nessie (so, of course, I was all rooting for the Scottish beastie).
You have a very authentic child voice in Annie the narrator. Her attitude and reactions were very real and convincing. You must know children very well.
I love her sheer righteous indignation at her parents.
There were a lot of places where words were capitalised to emphasise them - How I Missed Carol for instance, where missed stuck out. Milne does this Random capitalising for Comic Effect in his classic Winnie The Pooh books, but it's a tricky thing, easy to overdo, and often one doesn't get away with the trick. ENTIRE SENTENCES OF CAPITALS FEEL LIKE SHOUTING TO THE READER. On the other hand, this is supposed to be a child telling the story, and that technique makes this look more like a "what I did on my hols" composition.
Another possible way to emphasise a word or a paragraph is to use italic font (italic). If you click on Author Tools at the top left of your screen, and roll down the menu, it shows Writing ML help and how to change colour of text, or bold or italic a section.
Good ending, too.
Typos:
I know Loch is pronounced Lock, but it's spelt Loch. the other person in this whole wide world who's duty it is whose
I have another 3letters, starts with W, for you: Wow.
You must be a very thorough and excellent teacher.
This piece is so short, so lucid, so thought provoking. I suppose the reason for the mystery is that whys enter the grey subjective zone of opinion, where yes and no are uncertain, but why stumps me too.
It took me a moment to realise all the verses were about the same scene re-viewed from different angles. I liked how you used the back view which struck me as fresh (eyes, for instance, have been done till the reader's numb, IMO) The image is crisp and immediate; it would be fun to read in snowy weather.
In the last verse, the way the poem looped back to its own start was very satisfying, but I felt a slight non sequitur from "track" to "back," as if you were straining for a rhyme there.
This was a story that hooked me in quickly and didn't let me go till it was over. I liked the order in which you told it, with the flashback in the middle, and the pace was perfect, neither too slow nor too rushed. Your storytelling skills are immaculate.
I had a couple of minor niggles with typos: her husbands passing husband's 2 children two looks better She mingled her way into the crowd I think it's mingled with rather than mingled into. How will they continue on without how would they
This was interesting to read, and I was so pleased for you that the love story ended happily ever after. Any snoopy reader, which means almost any human, for we're all curious about each other's inner lives, would be fascinated by this.
The comeback to the snark about legs was fantastic - most people think of these great responses the following morning. Some of the comments aside in this made me smile a lot. You have a quick wit.
this type of searched out discovery of the opposite sex is "searched out discovery" read a bit awkwardly to me. the novel, a great talker of passion but disabled in delivery also read like a draft phrase which needed revising. I could see what you meant, but the way it was put could be improved.
Thank you for telling me about this - now I understand. Well. Perhaps "understand" is too strong a word. This is very funny and I am fascinated by your crazy cat. I love your humour.
By the way, it might be an idea to put a link from Hilda to Riley and from Riley to Hilda, since they read so well in sequence.
If you edit, you can link by typing {litem:963095} at the end of the body of your story. The six digit number is different for every piece posted on the site. That way, one item leads easily to another. You can also do it in emails texts.
I saw one typo, the homonym sites in place of sights. Blast. Can't find it now, but there was a bit where a cat was described as being a nasty site to look at, which ought to have been sight.
I really liked this, with its warmth and focus on people, and I was so bewildered about the bits left out: was Hilda a feral cat? a human? a relative? By the end, Hilda turned out to be human, but I still feel that the backstory needs clearing up a little. How did you meet and who is he?
The part at the end was the best and most touching part, I thought, when you are talking about your differences and your common ground.
The ending and middle were good, but the beginning was confusing, I thought, like walking into the middle of a conversation.
There was a sentence, in the midst of a paragraph explaining that his nickname was "Hilda." The line was, Her name, strangely enough, was Hilda. Given the way the paragraph was running, "strangely enough" niggled me because it wasn't at any kind of tangent to what had gone before.
What a good reminder of the importance of simple empathy for common humanity.
The moral of this is wonderful, but the article is quite abstract. Perhaps some examples or instances would make it more immediate to the reader?
Jesus had a sense of humor (as well as many of the other religious leaders of different religions) This is clear, but if I read obtusely I can interpret the grammar as Jesus having both a sense of humour and a bunch of captive rival religous leaders. I think the line would work better with "so did" in place of the underlined words.
First of all, what drew me into this was the title, which piqued my interest, and then the tag line "A brief look into a Hindu temple celebration on the island of Bali, Indonesia" explained what this was about. Titles are so important, and kudos to you for using one that stood out from the list of new statics.
Then that title was echoed in the first sentence, and we were off! Off to Indonesia, in fact. Clear and vivid descriptions shared your visit with me, the plucked flowers being used to spinkle the worshippers, the enervating heat, and the giggling children.
This was enchanting and I hope you write more non fiction.
I saw a couple of typos in the last few paragraphs: Not far awaay, priests dressed in white..
My little neighbors shoed me how to open the fruit..
We got up at last and said goodby..
I am glad I read this. This death bed story is outstanding. The situation in this, of years of bad relationship leading up to a scene of uncomfortable silence, was emotionally awkward in a way that will stick with me. Torn between being a hypocrite or being a monster to a dying man, that is a very strong situation.
I think the way this was told made it better than a reductive plotpoint list would sound. Not that the sequence of events was weak, but the way you pull us right inside your hero's head makes him real. You split the reader's sympathies by making his feelings understandable, but he doesn't feel unequivocally in the right, and that lends the story tension. The ending, when he said what he did, came as a surprise, given the stream of consciousness he had. But, on looking over it again, you had built up to it when you hinted at his hunger for a rapport.
I've known families with poisoned rifts in them, and this reads completely authentically.
I love this item. A reading list is so in keeping with the writing and reading theme of this site, and yet I don't think I've come across another item that duplicates this: an in + out which offers members the chance to plug pro novels and nonfiction they have recently read. Apart from the introduction to new books, I for one am the kind of snoop who is fascinated when I recognise a handle here and find out what kind of books are that person enjoys. (Yes, I also crane my neck on public transport to see what strangers are reading.)
Present tense is an unusual choice for narrative but you stuck with it consistently and it works. It took me a while to work out that the
"lines in inverted commas" were Tyler's thoughts and
- the lines within dashes - were his dialogue
since usually speech is inside inverted commas, but the context made it clear. I don't like Tyler - he was a disreputable thug and the gaybashing element in him hit my buttons in a bad way - but he's got a distinct voice.
And, to be honest, I think he beats up heterosexuals, too, being an equal opportunity misanthrope.
Some of his vocabulary …I bet it’s completely disfigured! Have I killed him? I hope not, it’s most unfortunate when such things happen. Ah is almost ironically unNeanderthal. It didn't tickle my funnybone that much, given that it is in the comedy genre, but this is an original character and a nonstop action/adventure story.
What a wonderful list of swashbuckling melodramas - a lot of the old ones are old favourites, (Captain Blood! Lion in Winter!) but I noticed one oversight ~
1952 Scaramouche Stewart Granger
If you ever come across it in a video rental, you might enjoy it; it is set in revolutionary France, it has a hissable villain, a frightfully noble hero, thwarted love and the world's longest and most elaborately choreographed duel which goes up and down stairs to end on a public stage. Is the most Errol Flynn film Errol Flynn never made. Brilliant.
One thing that would have enhanced the list would have been a little - even only a sentence each - comment on each film. It would personalise the list.
I used to do RPG, too. It's amazing how diverse are the sources you draw on to create a fantasy world.
How easy it is to empathise with your angry man when he's on hold, endlessly, on the phone. His reactions are extreme, but the situation is designed to bring out his weakness and show it in action, making it more vivid to the reader (who may be remembering thinking the same sort of things, last time they were listening to muzak)
This was short and there were no surprises, no story. It was a scene, well described, realistic and uncontrived. I think, given the way you were building this up and the shape of the overall piece, the rant should not have moved into indirect speech as fast as it did. It read truncated, there.
I liked the dialect in this - it sounded very exotic from here I believed the bits about the furnace were background colour, but when I got to the end realised that they were not.
The first sentence I found a little clumsy. I'll underline the words that threw me (and this is just me reading; other people will react differently) A deep gold antique ring, centered with a brilliantly colored opal, uniquely had a smiling face carved into it. Uniquely was placed in an odd position in the sentence. ..had a unique smiling face..?
The opening paragraphs in the narrator's voice have long and elaborate words in them, but the body of the story is much more informal. I read it as the wife's memories, told long after the event, and that was why she used english differently in the framing part.
Oh, I remember getting an opal ring from a junk shop, when they weren't fashionable. Wearing one all the time is a bit of a no-no, though. The superstition is that they're bad luck (ironically, given your story), but that's not it. Opals are very fragile, and the colours in them can be wrecked while washing dishes or some household task.
One thing that would help the reader would be if you made a new paragraph every time a new person speaks. So when the wife speaks, new paragraph. The husband replies, new paragraph. It would break up those long bulks of text on the screen.
Kennedy's death was the 9/11 of its generation. I remember my parents talking about first hearing the news.
I admire so much the talent for writing a tightly plotted beginning-middle-end story, holding the reader's interest, and painting a picture.
Printed from https://writing.com/main/profile/reviews/ness/sort_by/r.review_creation_time DESC/page/4
All Writing.Com images are copyrighted and may not be copied / modified in any way. All other brand names & trademarks are owned by their respective companies.
Generated in 0.15 seconds at 6:22am on Jul 04, 2025 via server WEBX2.
View Portfolio
Visit Notebook
Send Gift Points
Awards
Badges
Send Email
Community Newsfeed
General Discussion
Sponsored Items
Book of Trinkets
Static Items
Books
Groups
Interactive Stories
Audio
Campfire Creatives
Community Notes
Crossword Puzzles
Documents
Folders
Images
In & Outs
Madlibs
Photo Albums
Polls
Product Reviews
Quizzes
Survey Forms
Web Pages
Word Searches
*flower* to you Vivian for writing this item. It is, as ever from you, clear and intelligent and English Teacher-ly. Is the example poem yours?
This is very funny and I am fascinated by your crazy cat. I love your humour.