Hello. I am reviewing your piece for the "The Rockin' Reviewers" . We are a group of people who help new members learn their way around the site and help improve their writing skills. If you have any questions, feel free to drop me a note...and welcome to the site!

Here are my two cents for your story. I thought it was cute. I used to mess with my brother that way, too.

There are a couple simple things you can do to make your writing easier for others to read:

1. Always capitalize the letter 'I', the beginning of any sentence, and peoples names.
2. When using dialogue, each speaker gets their own line. Add a space between each new speaker.

Using only these two tips, this is how your piece would look:


I stared at the top of Joshes head like there was a horrid creature growing on his forehead.

"What?' He asked eyes wide.

"My God its getting bigger!" I say, acting melodramatic. My hand shoots out and I smack him on the head the exclaim "Woa, that could have been bad... I hope you know I saved you life from a brain sucker, it connects to your brain and drains it of all juice. Youre almost out of juice."

Josh pales and runs away.

I love to mess with him.

3. Check your spelling. Spell-check sometimes changes words to what it thinks is closest instead of what you want it to be...

I smack him on the head the exclaim "Woa,
I smack him on the head then exclaim, "Woah!"

Use these three tips on your other pieces and you'll probably get more, and better, reviews.






My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .

Hello, I am reviewing this piece for "Gang's Monthly Review Board" . The following review is filled with my opinions. Feel free to use what you agree with and ignore that which you do not.

First Impressions:
    I really like that the lines are short and to the point. It feels rough, and harsh...as suits the subject matter.

My Favorite Part:
    "Tears of crimson" is a great visual for the subject matter!

Plot/Characters/Settings:
    It could talk about anyone...and in fact covers a lot of victims. It's generic and pointed at the same time. Nice work.

Suggestions for Improvement:
    The only line that made me think "Hmmm, what's that supposed to mean?" was 'running steep.' It's an odd turn of phrase.

My in-line-comments are in (orange).

in everyway.
(add a space between every and way.)

Final Notes:
    I can't say that I 'liked' this poem...but I think that's the point. I disliked all the things that were said, and I feel bad for those who have endured any portion of this poem. That's why I will say that it is a very successful poem. Nicely written, thanks for sharing.





My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **

Here's a link to see "Invalid Item" .

Hello. I am reviewing your piece for the "The Rockin' Reviewers" .

First Impressions:
A friend on the IM posted your piece for those of us that were looking for something to cheer us up. I was completely sucked in by the obit. Not having read the intro, I was wondering why someone would post an obit to WDC. (Yeah, I'm having that kind of day. ) The bit about the fireworks made me laugh and remember that I was on a writing site...not in a newspaper. Then the remainder of the piece almost sent me into hysterics.

My Favorite Part:
As above. It was just that sort of day...and you made it better.

Suggestions for Improvement:
I know you've a 55 word limit, now that I've read the intro) but the 'us' at the end doesn't fit with the 'reality' feel of the rest of the piece. Perhaps drop another word somewhere and change 'us' to 'the paper' or 'the police'.
"And unfortunately, homemade fireworks." comma after 'And', which should be lower case.

Plot/Characters/Settings:
You might try changing it to 'currier' font. To go along with the paper theme.

Final Notes:
Very nice bit of work there. I know how hard getting a whole story into 55 words can be...and you've done a great job with it.




My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .

Hello. I am reviewing your piece "A Light Pierced Through"  for the "Invalid Item" .

First Impressions:
It's horrible, what some people go through in life, but it's great to see them rise above! You will be able to find many people here that share a bit of your history. This is a great site for support in areas other than writing. Don't be afraid to talk to people around here if they have poems about similar experiences.

My Favorite Part:
So happy I can taste the stars/and smell the moon (What a beautiful image!)

Suggestions for Improvement:
I stumbled and fell with every steps I took ('step')

Someday, I loved him (You have two tenses here, I'd change all the 'Someday,' to "Some days," to make it all past tense.)

One day, a light pierced through the clouds ('through' is redundant, I'd delete it.)
I am in count down mission (it should be 'mission count down.' The mission is not to count down, the count down is part of the mission preparation.)
It’s only a matter of time before I launch (Try changing 'I' to 'we' It would then include everyone you mention in the next few lines.)
Victims of abuse and children of divorce parent will be first class ('divorced parents')
I’ll left('leave') behind a legacy for the next generations to follow

Plot/Characters/Settings:
You have a hopeful poem about a strong girl. Good Luck to her!

Final Notes:
Thanks for sharing such an emotional piece. It's brave to put that sort of information out for everyone to see. Keep writing! And, good luck!

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .

Hello. I am reviewing your piece for the "The Rockin' Reviewers"  and "Invalid Item" .

First Impressions:
It's short, sweet and fresh. I wouldn't have known you were in school unless you has said so in "Please Review" .

My Favorite Part:
And a hole in her heart/Where he used to be. (Simple, honest and clear while still poetic and smooth. Nice.)

Suggestions for Improvement:
I really like the first two stanzas. They seemed to tell a story of lost love, but the third stanza spoke as if she has moved away. They seem a bit disjointed, so I would add a couple stanzas between to tell how she lost him.
Also, the intro really says nothing about the poem to me. They seem unconnected. The poem seems to be about love and love lost, but th eintro led me think I'd be reading about mental illness or depression. The poem seems not to be about either of these things. If it's supposed to be...well, I don't see it.

Plot/Characters/Settings:
The girl in the poem is pretty generic, so any reader will be able to relate to her.

Final Notes:
Thanks for sharing your piece with me. I know you said it was just a beginning, but I think the first two stanzas seem perfect to me. They are a good beginning, now tell me more about the love she lost. If you do add to it I'd love to re-read it. Just drop me an email when it's done.




My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .

Hello. I am reviewing your piece for the "The Rockin' Reviewers"  and "Invalid Item" .

First Impressions:
The poem is pretty straight-forward in form. You might try playing with fonts and colors (greys) to see how it changes the mood. I can see it along-side a dreary photo of a girl staring out the window at a rainy day. It would be great if you could make the lines many shades of gray and white.

My Favorite Part:
I love that you set the word you alone in the second line of the second stanza. It makes it important. It gives the poem more meaning.
You have a great image here, I love the idea of looking out a fogged/misted window and seeing what you want to see because you see nothing at all. It's beautifully sad.

Suggestions for Improvement:
Unless the word 'rain' is the first line I would remove it or change it's font/spacing to make it clear that it's the title and not the first word.
Honestly, this poem is in perfect order. I couldn't find a word that I would change or a place where the spacing is off. I think you've got a winner here.
In the intro, you suggest that you are looking for advice on punctuation. My opinion is that you leave it as it is. It makes readers have to think about each word as they read it. I am usually a fan of correct punctuation in poems, but this one really seems stronger for it's lack.

Plot/Characters/Settings:
I get the idea that these are young students, in love, but too innocent to be able to put the emotions into words. So, I find the lack of punctuation to add to that feeling of uneducated innocents. Not that the poem is uneducated; it's one of the best I've read in a while and each word seem precise and thoughtfully placed.

Final Notes:
Thank you for sharing this with me. I truly feel that this is worthy of publication - somewhere. It's honest, fresh and very evocative. Don't let this one go.




My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .

Hello. I am reviewing your piece for the "The Rockin' Reviewers"  and "Invalid Item" . I am giving at least one review to each member of this new class of the Paper Doll Gang to say, "Welcome to the class!" If you have any questions, feel free to drop me a note. I'm around during the weekday hours, and I'm off-line most weekends. Now, on to your review...

First Impressions:
Stunning! Beautiful and poignant and heartbreaking in its simplicity.

My Favorite Part:
The first chapter almost made me cry. This may not make sense, but in the first few lines I moved from thinking you were talking about a toddler (learning to walk) to a teenager (waiting tables) and was slapped in the face by the words "She's old now." I had imagined that a parent was watching a child grow before his eyes. Even though the rest of the piece belied that thought I was still captured by it and the feelings it evoked.

Suggestions for Improvement:
You have a space between several last words and their periods or commas.
         plate of cakes in the other , two, three
         one, two ,three two, three
         struggle to keep the cakes level .I want to get level. I
"Her tiny feet totter along the precariously uneven ground beneath her as she struggles..." I would delete 'beneath her' because it's redundant.
"The slanting right shoulder seems to struggle to..." (Try not to use phrases like, 'seems to'. It's weak, and makes the whole sentence weak. "Her slanting right shoulder struggled to..." )
'I got them some fat balls now where did I put them.' (Use full quotes " " not ' ' for anything people say)
She shoots off faster than her feet can carry her, first in one direction, then the other , she halts briefly then carries on up the steps... (This made little sense to me. Could you re-write it to make her actions clearer?)
"Its such a beautiful day..." (It's)
not twisted by the ravages of time, but the surgeons knife. (This needs more detail, clarification. My mind jumped to plastic surgery gone wrong.)
"She is a soldier who rarely complains and always performs her duties, (start a new sentence here.)
"a constant reliable bed rock for the rest of the satellites in the family to orbit." (You're mixing metaphors here. You stand on bedrock, but orbit stars or planets.)

Plot/Characters/Settings:
I love your mother. You have made her a real person to me, thank you.

Final Notes:
Thanks for sharing. I really love to read pieces from WDC members that helps me learn a little about them. I hope to get to know you better as the class continues. Have a great day and keep writing. You have a gift for finding interesting stories in everyday things.




My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .

Hello. I am reviewing your piece for the "The Rockin' Reviewers"  and "Invalid Item" . I am giving at least one review to each member of this new class of the Paper Doll Gang to say, "Welcome to the class!" If you have any questions, feel free to drop me a note. I'm around during the weekday hours, and I'm off-line most weekends. Now, on to your review...

First Impressions:
I laughed out loud, so your story was a success. Funny bit.

My Favorite Part:
This seems like it is probably a true story, and not something you thought about, but I like that you had a woman in a position of power, and that she could still laugh at herself. It breaks the stereotypes nicely!

Suggestions for Improvement:
The following incident, however, elicited a look of shock, bordering on fear on the face of our secretary. (I would like to have a bit more about who you are, or what your office is before getting into the story. It would make the introduction of the Superintendent flow more smoothly later. Once a contest is over it is okay to revise your story as you see fir to make it the best story possible. Don't worry about word limits or prompts anymore, just write good stories.)
"I calmly looked up at her and said, "We've known that all along, but we've been waiting for you to come to us! (You need a closing " here.)
Luckily for me, the woman had a sense of humor. (I would change this to, "My boss" and change the item intro to make it more generic. You're ruining the joke if you put the punchline in the intro - hold onto it and put it in the story.)

Plot/Characters/Settings:
This is funny, and I wonder if the character is you. If it is, you are pretty funny.

Final Notes:
Thanks for sharing. I see that most things in your port are contest entries. I'd be interesting in seeing something you wrote just for yourself. Send me a link to the piece you're most proud of and I'd love to give you a second review...




My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .

Hello. I am reviewing your piece for the "The Rockin' Reviewers"  and "Invalid Item" . I am giving at least one review to each member of this new class of the Paper Doll Gang to say, "Welcome to the class!" If you have any questions, feel free to drop me a note. I'm around during the weekday hours, and I'm off-line most weekends. Now, on to your review...

First Impressions:
What a beautiful poem. It is simple, yet heartfelt and true. I can feel the unrequited lover's pain and yet I know she will be strong.

My Favorite Part:
"I want to love you/But I'm afraid to cry for you." (This is a beautiful line!)

Suggestions for Improvement:
You have correct punctuation in most lines, but not others. The first seems like it needs a period, as do the fourth, fifth. A comma would fit after the second and the second to last.

My in-line-comments are in red.

You even tease me in times ('in' should be 'at' )

This feeling inside is giving me madness (This us not correct English, and I am tempted to correct it, but it also sounds very poetic and I think you could leave it. Just so you know the phrase we'd use in English is "...is making me mad.')

This love is just so forbidden, (the word ;just' is a weak word, that weakens almost any sentence it is in. Try to avoid it. )

Plot/Characters/Settings:
I can feel the unrequited lover's pain and yet I know she will be strong.
I also feel that the couple who are together are also truly in love, so to break them up would also cause them all pain.

Final Notes:
I admire your courage to write in a language that is not your own, and I admire you even more for then sharing it with strangers. This site will be an excellent learning tool for you, we're all very friendly and helpful. Welcome to the site and keep writing! If this piece is any indication of your work, you have a talent for writing.




My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .

Hello. I am reviewing your piece "Invalid Item"  for the "Named Heart"  and "Invalid Item" .

First Impressions:
It seems pretty straight forward, and so sad.

My Favorite Part:
You do a good job making the reader feel the pain of unrequited love.

Suggestions for Improvement:
Poetry is so subjective, it's hard to say what should be improved. I like rhyme and meter and I felt a little lost because the lines didn't necessarily move smoothly from one thought to another, they each said something about the theme, but it felt choppy to me. Free verse is not my cup of tea, so I can't say that it would be an improvement to change it. I only offer my feelings as I rad it.

My in-line-comments are in red.

For it will only bring hurt. (You are using past tense in every other line, this should read 'would only' to keep it consistent.)

Why do it hurts ('do' should be 'does', 'hurts' isn't plural here.)


Plot/Characters/Settings:
I feel very sad for this girl. She may never feel rejection, but she will never feel love either. And, she already feels hurt, by simply doing nothing.

Final Notes:
I am a member of the Paper Doll Gang and I am using reviews to say 'welcome' to teh newest class. I hope to get a chance to know you better. If you have any questions, please feel free to email me.
Thanks for sharing your work with me, it seems very personal and 'real', almost raw.




My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .

Hello. I am reviewing your piece "Monopoly Spies "  for the "The Rockin' Reviewers"  and "Invalid Item" .

First Impressions:
Thanks for writing about the prompt, I really appreciate your entry! You did an excellent job!

My Favorite Part:
I love the ending, of course. You made the character of Sam very believable, too. I wanted to give him a hug.

Suggestions for Improvement:
I'm usually a technical editor, but I will skip that for this piece. If you want me to correct typo's and grammar, I will, just ask, but I'm not sure if you have any intention of re-writing.
I would suggest putting the prompt at the end, so others might know what you are writing about. I know, obviously, but I'm not sure if it is clear to others.
You have a mix of tenses in here. When you are talking about the events that led up to the museum opening you should use past tense, " Brittany’s staff worked diligently for months..." needs a 'had'. "Brittany’s staff (had) worked..."
"Alright, on to Phase two of the plan..." titles should always be entirely capitalized. "Phase Two" and "President".

Plot/Characters/Settings:
The museum is pretty generic, I think it could be brightened up by adding a few details as people moved around in it. I know - word limits.

Final Notes:
I think this could be a much longer story, with more details and a few clarifications of relationships...if you're interested in a re-write I can go into detail, just let me know.
Thanks again! I think it's a great use of the prompt and I'm glad I got a chance to read it.





My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .

Hello. I am reviewing your piece "Separation"  for the "The Rockin' Reviewers"  and "Invalid Item" .

First Impressions:
I like poems that seem to say something about their authors. Too many are so generic that they blend in with all the others. This one seems to come from within *your* heart.

My Favorite Part:
"Yet tied together happily/By the bindings that we choose" (I love that you both chose them, it shows that the love is shared, not one-sided. You're in this together, and willingly.)

Suggestions for Improvement:
"I know I hardly ever talk/And often stay in the shadows/Know that I am always there for you" (Instead of 'I know' I would change it to 'Although'. Maybe try 'And am often hidden in shadows.')

You say "Standing here beside you" in the beginning, and use the word 'stand' a few more times in the poem, but then sleep. Should the 'standing' be changed to something that won't contradict with the ending? Perhaps 'resting' or 'waiting' or 'breathing'...

Plot/Characters/Settings:
You've done a good job describing the inner workings of these two people, and I don't think an outward description is needed. The setting is likewise, very generic, but the last line makes it all fit.

Final Notes:
Good luck with your event. This is a very nice poem and I think it will be well received, especially by whomever you wrote it for. :)




My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .

Hello. I am reviewing your piece "Vessel"  for the "The Rockin' Reviewers"  and "Invalid Item" .

First Impressions:
You have taken a simple idea and made it your own. I love the imagery and the meaning, both.

My Favorite Part:
"Shaped like the cupped hands/Of my creator" Perfect image for the theme, and it tells us what the poem is about without beating us over the head with some form of sermon. Beautiful!

Suggestions for Improvement:
As always, these are my opinions, suggestions from which you may pick and choose.

My in-line-comments are in red.
It is not I
That controls my destiny
Or my destination ('or' should be 'nor' in this case.)
But rather those forces ('but rather' is redundant, pick one, drop the other.)
That pull me to and fro
And set me down
Not necessarily where I want to be (You end two lines with 'be', I think this one might sound better ending in 'go')
But where I need to be

And if this trip should be my last
I hope to make it (In keeping with the theme, I suggest changing 'hope' to 'pray')
Safely back
To quietly reside (Perhaps 'retire' instead of 'reside', to make it seem more final.)
Safe upon the shore


Plot/Characters/Settings:
What a beautiful look into the spirit of a believer.

Final Notes:
Thanks for sharing these poems with me, I've enjoyed them. Again, I think this one will be well-received. I wish I could hear you read it, but Maine is oh-so-far from Minnesota. They are both beautiful pieces. And, I hope these suggestions prove helpful.




My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .

Hello. I am reviewing your piece "Invalid Item"  for the "The Rockin' Reviewers"  and "Invalid Item" .

First Impressions:
Sad, but it happens all the time.

My Favorite Part:
"I was a fix for a broken marriage" (This is a good start, it pulls readers in and grabs their hearts.)

Suggestions for Improvement:

My in-line-comments are in red.

You did this(comma) daddy, I hope your(you're) proud
Leaving mum alone, her head always bowed
You left us,(no comma) for your new beloved
I wonder is(if) she has been hit and shoved

How can you be so cold, treating us like dirt (question mark)



Plot/Characters/Settings:
I like this character, but am curious about age. At first s/he is very young, but then s/he must be old enough for the mother to let have some responsibility. I"m less curious about the sex of the character, but it did catch my attention. If it's a teenage boy - he'd want to protect the mother, perhaps fight the father. If it's a girl, the relationships would be different. Right now it's very generic.

Final Notes:
Thanks for sharing your writing. I appreciate that it is hard to let others tear apart yoru work, but I believe that honest feedback is the best way to learn. YOu have a lot of potential as a writer...you just need learn from other people's comments and be brave enough to keep writing! Good luck!




My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .

Hello. I am reviewing your piece "Freedom"  for the "The Rockin' Reviewers"  and "Invalid Item" .

First Impressions:
It seems a bit circular and contradictory upon first read, but a second look shows that you are trying to say that although we should all be free, we cannot be without a fight. Perhaps you could find a way to put an 'and yet' or other oppositional phrase in there to show that 'what should be' is not always 'what is'.

My Favorite Part:
You have a good topic with lots of possibility.

Suggestions for Improvement:
"For some, this priveledge is seized": Perhaps 'From some,' would be better. Spelling error: Privilege
"Their minds will never heal": Is there a way to clarify whose minds are not going to heal, the victims or the oppressor?
Overall: The piece is a bit flat. You are telling us what to think about by asking questions, but there is very little in it to pull emotions from the reader. You make us think, but not feel. In my opinion poetry should be a medium of condensed feeling.

Final Notes:
Thanks for the read, I found your request for reviews on "Please Review" .
I hope this review helps. Have a great day!




My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .

Hello. I am reviewing your piece "Walking on Eggshells"  for the "The Rockin' Reviewers"  and "Invalid Item" .

First Impressions:
Wow! I can see it all in my minds eye. It is heartbreaking in its clarity!

My Favorite Part:
“Let’s dance through the sand instead, Mommy.” The child turns a painful image to a beautiful one. He tried to make it 'okay' in a way that only a child can.
"He sees past her, more than his four years should." lets us know that he's been in this position before, and he knows what will happen if he doesn't keep quiet.

Suggestions for Improvement:
My first thought was that a four year old would be too young to be getting home from school alone. In Minnesota you need to be six to ride a school bus. If he's not coming home from school, the how did the father have time at home alone to get that drunk. As I say, this is just the train of thought my mind took as I read the first couple lines...

I see no technical edits.

Plot/Characters/Settings:
I want them to escape! It seems too real! Nicely written.

Final Notes:
You've done a great job here. Thanks for sharing!




My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .

Hello. I am reviewing your piece "The Day I Made My Mother Speechless"  for the "The Rockin' Reviewers"  and "Invalid Item" .

First Impressions:
Nice pacing and a great punch line.

My Favorite Part:
I could see her useing the fork over having the discussion again. I liked that she listed it as her first option.

Suggestions for Improvement:
Thanks for listing the prompt, but I - again, just my personal opinion here - would rather read the story first, taking it in on its own merits, then read the comments or writing requirements.
You have a different number of spaces before each line. If you use an extra line break between paragraphs, just start all likes on the far left. No indents needed.

My in-line-comments are in red.
...she had made it an hour and fifteen minutes since I walked through the door for spring break before prying into my personal life. (This sentence hold a lot of information in it, I'd like to see it broken up a bit.)

It was(comma) without a doubt(comma) a record for her.

My options were clear here. (Delete 'here' it's not needed.)

(Start a new line, perhaos create a bulleted list.)I could grab the fork and stab myself in the eye, creating a diversion.

My thoughts were cluttered with caring so much for this man that the only sane answer was to set him free, but at the same time being torn because I needed love, too! (It seems that she wants to break up with him, not just leave him out of this conversation.)

after all(comma) fifth cousins aren’t considered close relations.

Smiling into my mother’s well-meaning eyes, I realized there was no choice. Tonight I could not bear this discussion. For once(comma) fate had smiled upon me and placed a somewhat evil, but brilliant, thought into my head. I knew how to thwart the topic. (This paragraph is a bit odd. She seems to make her decision from those listed, then comes up with a new one. That makes sense, but the paragraph is choppy. Maybe start with '...there were no good choices...' instead of 'there was no choice'. Then toss them all out one by one. Then have the 'answer' appear to her.)


Plot/Characters/Settings:
'Spring break' was the only thing that gave the girl any age. She thought of her guy as a 'man' and so I thought she might be older. I never thought of any of my college dates as men...

Final Notes:
Thanks for entering "Reindeer Roulette!"  as well, I'm glad I had an excuse to see what was lurking in your port.




My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .

Hello. I am reviewing your piece "From the Mouths of Babes"  for the "The Rockin' Reviewers"  and "Invalid Item" .

First Impressions:
Haha, my boys are three and a half...we're just getting to these moments. I can't wait!

My Favorite Part:
Well, the ending..of course. I think it is extra funny that there were only girls in the car as well. Cute!

Suggestions for Improvement:
Hmmm, you write in the first person a lot and so I am uncomfortable telling you to change it. Take this with the best possible intent, or ignore it if you simply disagree.

When I read things in this format - a mom telling of a cute thing her kid did - it seems like it should be in the back of a parenting magazine, where all those cute stories are held. If you were to write in a third person format it might be able to sell as a short story. As it is now it sounds like an essay. As I said, I mean well with this...and I know that the format here is pretty common for you. I think you know that these are little essays or personal stories you're sharing with friends. If you wanted to create a book of short stories, I would suggest a change of format.

My in-line-comments are in red.
My mother truly believes that(comma) next to herself(comma) I am the greatest mother in the world, yet there are insignificant (is this the word you want here? It fits with waht comes next, but the wording makes it seem that there might be something serious coming. Is there a way to restate this so that we know it's only the little things that upsetting your mother?) issues that leave her shaking her head unable to bite her tongue.

From the time my son Reese could talk, I taught him the correct names for the human anatomy. I didn’t do it as a personal rebellion for the names my mother taught us as children of “woohas” and “woos.” Those are perfectly delightful, (new sentence) it just never occurred to me that it was supposed to be a family tradition. Everyone knows what you're talking about, so I didn’t see a purpose of giving his private (add and s) a cute little name like “wingy-dingy.” It hardly seems fair. The armpit doesn’t get its own nickname. And, to be honest(comma) it is much more fun to use the correct term and shock the hell out of Nanny. This brings me to my favorite “woo-ha” vocabulary memory.

My mother and I were taking my three nieces and my son, who at the time was four, to the zoo. Because of the invention of car DVD players it was a peaceful ride. (Loved this line!) I was almost dozing off when we went over one of those little hills where your stomach drops just a little.


I don’t know who was trying harder not to laugh, me or my little nieces. (perhaps add ages here. It will change the image if they are 6 or 16 years of age.)


Plot/Characters/Settings:
I like your personal writings, they're clever and entertaining.

Final Notes:
Thanks for letting me poke around your portfolio, and thanks for entering "Reindeer Roulette!"  as well.




My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .

Hello. I am reviewing your piece "Knotted"  for the "The Rockin' Reviewers"  and "Invalid Item" . I found your request for reviews on "Please Review" .

First Impressions:
I have never gone through anything like this, so I am afraid to review your piece. I read it, but it's hard to say I enjoyed something, knowing that it came from such a dark place. It succeeded in getting the mood across, that may be enough.

My Favorite Part:
It’s her silent battle/To which I have no/Sword,
I loved that you wanted to fight, but had no weapon. This says everything to me.
I wonder if you intended the individual words to make a poem within a poem; In senses poison, sword cries. (Intentional or not, that line almost makes me weep, knowing what the poem is about.)

Suggestions for Improvement:
Again, I know this is very close to your heart, so take these technical edits as options. I don't mean to take anything away from your emotions, and I don't review pieces unless I think they are worth improving.
I wonder if you intended the words to make a poem within a poem; In senses poison, Sword cries.

My in-line-comments are in red.
Her heartbreaking corner, ('heartbreaking corner' doesn't make sense to me. I think I know what you are trying to say, but it seems that 'the corner she sits in is what breaks her heart' instead of 'because her heart is broken she sits in a corner' or 'she wants to be alone in her heartbreak.)
She surrenders to the pain.

It’s her silent battle
To which I have no (try changing 'to' to 'for' and see if you like it.)
Sword,

My only witness to ('witness' seems an odd word here. Again, I have no specific suggestions, but wanted to let you know that the word is not letting the thought flow freely.)
Every wound...

Final Notes:
Thanks for sharing such an emotional piece.
I have to ask, "Did she make it?" I really hope so.




My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .