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Printed from https://writing.com/main/profile/reviews/manga_kate
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1,259 Public Reviews Given
1,301 Total Reviews Given
Review Style
Conversational - I don't have a formal template. Comment to my perception of the work, both substance and technique; highlights & misses. My reviews are public by default, but I will gladly make private upon request.
I'm good at...
Poetry - I read aloud; respond to both art and craft; Short Story - I listen for the voice(s) and respond with how I perceive both the creative voice and technique; and effective use of writer's tools; Articles/Essays - I'll let you know how you keep it real and hold my interest. Comment to substance & technique, fact-checking, depth of research, logical flow.
Favorite Genres
I love to read ^_^
Favorite Item Types
Poetry, Short Stories, Articles / Essays
Public Reviews
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In affiliation with RAOK Upgrade Brigade Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.0)
I enjoyed reading your story for "Invalid Item" Open in new Window. and offer here my comments.

This was a fun read - Walter's tale opens with a hook that visually describes his nature; adds depth in the next paragraph; then a crisis which he has to face and resolve. I challenge for flash fiction, well met here.

I note but a few places where I come out of the story - i.e., a bit of ambiguity/passive in the last sentence, first paragraph. "..he was also smelling something very different from last year." Maybe more active, like "...but he also smelled something different, that wasn't there last year.

Also, the description of the strange creature appears that of a certain domestic animal, but the "...loud shrieking sound..." implies something different? (avoiding spoiler)

Again, I had fun reading this story each time, and look forward to reading more of your work.

Until the next time,
Write On *Pencil*

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Review of I Write In 2020  Open in new Window.
for entry "Divine Rapture" Open in new Window.
In affiliation with I Write  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.0)
Greetings, I'm reading your poem for the 2020 I Write challenge and offer here my comments for your consideration.

Reading aloud - The image is beautiful, I feel both peace and vibrant joy in this poem; the power of the music to create a sense of peace, reverence. *Music1*

Of Note - I hear the syllable count here as short (22) of the 24 required for the contest - the syllables by line - 1 = 6; 2 = 9; 3 = 4, 4 = 3 - ?

Thank you for sharing this reflective yet powerful poem. I look forward to reading more of your work.

Write On *Pencil*

Kate's Reads *Reading*
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In affiliation with RAOK Upgrade Brigade Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.0)
Greetings, I am reading your work as part of I Write in 2020, and offer here my comments and suggestions for your consideration.

Thoughts and comments: The title is ominous, makes me look more closely at the image, wondering. Also an intriguing opening. We do not see the speaker, but know he's there by reference to the moon being "exactly where it was supposed to be,..." I am now in the picture, ready to focus on the forthcoming quoted introduction to the story.

I have but a few comments for your consideration:
Consider the following change, more active/commanding -> "...Only if you agree to these terms, then take the talisman..."

Consider also, as Sumeer was holding the talisman in his hand when we first saw him, show how it came to be on the ground - i.e., that he placed it, or set it, on the ground as opposed to "Sumeer kept the talisman on the ground..."

Finally, a minor typo, an extra space before the comma "You will never be able to see her ,"

After reading this blurb, imaginative and creative, I do wish to turn the page and start reading the story*Reading*. Best of luck in the contest.*Smile*

Write On *Pencil*
Kate - Writing & Reading Author Icon
Kate's Reads


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Review of Let The Light In  Open in new Window.
In affiliation with RAOK Upgrade Brigade Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Greetings, Jeff, I'm reading your story in concert with "I Write" and offer here my comments and notes for your consideration as you choose *Smile*

I like your creative interpretation of the prompt, unexpected

The story feels natural, the conversation and images believable and natural. I can see the interactions as they unfold from Marty's viewpoint. The opening paragraph catches, then holds my attention - "If things go sideways, all you have to do..." unusual turn of phrase, focused and active - holding attention for the prompt reveal.

I see Marty as a street kid, or young adult, so a few of the phrases sound to me a bit more professional or adult, i.e., "...for his instrumental role in taking..." consider "...for his help in taking..." or "for helping take down..." ?

All told, an enjoyable, fun story.

Best of luck in the contest *Smile*


Write On *Paw*
Kate
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5
In affiliation with Noticing Newbies Committee  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.0)
Welcome to Writing.Com *Wdc* ~ and thank you for posing this exploration of some images of what we call romance, the possibilities and potential for further expression. I offer here my comments for consideration as you choose

Reading aloud, each line a question, sometimes a statement; conversational, as if the speaker were face-to-face with her listener and reciting, at times with a crescendo of emotion, and at other times, subtle musing. The lyric writing reads like a poem, and needs to be read aloud. *Smile*

Excellent use of repetition for focus and emphasis, and pacing, i.e., the emphatic opening two questions followed by a tender expression *Rain* Very little that is passive (i.e., "...the way your hair is moved...", or "grasping of your hand...")

Consider dividing the images into a few segments, perhaps a space after "I don't know..."
and again maybe before "But what if none of these are appealing?

Each question, reply, is clean and, whether expressive or thoughtful, crisp. The final statement, depending I believe on the reader/listener's interpretation and experience, can be either one of resignation or perseverance. Well met!

Once again, thank you, and I look forward to reading more of your work *read*

Write On *Pencil*

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Kate's Reads
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In affiliation with I Write  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.5)
Greetings, I enjoyed reading your folktale, a fun variation on the Krampus tradition *Smile*

Relating the story in first person, the opening paragraph evokes a sense of foreboding, of mystery.*Star* The three children discussing their unique perception of the Krampus, is natural and brings me into the story. The 'thing' that grosses out the kids is fun and reinforces the image of being kids (no spoiler here *Wink*

The encounter with Krampus and the other (no spoiler) believable and natural*Thumbsup* I would suggest only, there, to keep it active by showing Krampus's action at their encounter, i.e., {Krampus snickered, as opposed to 'laughing to itself' and shrugged in place of 'seemed to shrug')

The encounter that follows and resolution reads like a folktale, relaying the moral to the story.

The twist at the end alludes to the earlier statement of what grossed the kids out ~ fun *Wink*

Thank you for sharing this fun tale, and good luck in the contest ^_^


Write On *Pencil*

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Kate's Reads


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Review of The Wise Knight  Open in new Window.
In affiliation with I Write  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.0)
Greetings, after reading aloud your lyric words; I offer my thoughts on the images I see, the vision I perceive, and the voice I've heard.

Overall: I had fun reading the poem, creative images, a snapshot blending fantasy with the mundane - the form is well met, with both alliteration and syllable count.

Reading aloud: Strong opening evokes a medieval image of valor as a story unfolds in this brief verse. The quote a nice touch, a scene within the 'story'. The alliteration falls evenly to the ear. And the conclusion, fun and vivid image called out well in the shift of rhythm.

One spot I note, the second from last line, where the image feels a bit forced to hold the syllable count and alliteration. Consider a similar lyric pattern, more active, to that of the first line as a lead-in to the finale, i.e., something like, "Can coax..." ??? - the second last line, where I'm taken out of the story a bit.

I'm really glad to have read this creative (and fun) poem for "I Write" and look forward to reading more of your work *Smile*

Write On *Pencil*
Kate
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In affiliation with The Poet's Place  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Greetings, "I Write in August, September, October" and am glad for this opportunity to read and comment to your work.

The "Prodigal Son Updated" I believe meets the writer's goal of an interpretation of the parable for our current society. The villanelle form is followed and the line choses for emphasis punctuates each of the images the writer creates to explain why he 'won't go'.

Reading aloud, the villanelle pattern is well suited to the poem, the opening stanza defining the statement and each line, where subsequently repeated per the form, well meets the image created in that stanza.

Reading aloud, I find but a few occurrences where I am pulled out of the image. The third stanza (the ball) the first line sounds a bit forced to meet the rhyme - consider perhaps running an enjambment to show his failure as your success; also, consider the next stanza, for the rhythm, not starting with 'that'.

The first line of the final stanza I would also consider not opening with 'and' to keep it more active.

Thank you for sharing the vivid, powerful image in verse.

Write On!
Kate


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In affiliation with Fantasy and Science Fiction So...  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.0)
Greetings, While searching through your portfolio, I found this intriguing exploration of plagiarism, and reading it, I can see why it was featured in a newsletter *Thumbsup*

The article is framed in a conversational format, without use of excessive definitions and technical descriptions. It appears that the writer has read definitions of plagiarism, drawn upon his own knowledge, and, after quoting sources for the definition, formulated opinions of his own and phrased them in a readable, conversational manner; one the reader (and fellow writer) can easily recall.

The writer defines also by example, citing the resources for the base definitions (early, in second paragraph) he will be exploring in the essay. Using a basic numbering system, no frills, again easy to follow and to hold in memory. The conclusion, framed in the writer's own voice as opinion: in the second last paragraph his 'how to' for avoiding plagiarism in his own work; and the final paragraph summing up the points, "In conclusion, I believe that plagiarism and originality are not..." [emphasis added and not finishing the quoted sentence to avoid spoiler {e:wink|. The author by example shows how not to plagiarize, but to cite to one's own opinion. {e:star}

I have but a few comments as to the presentation. The opening paragraph, I believe could be a briefer introduction (to non-fiction). Opening with the importance, then perhaps tightening the next couple sentences into one strong, succinct comment before opening the next paragraph with the question posed(effective focus as presented to start the presentation/argument).

Within the sentences. there is occasional redundancy (i.e., "If I used the exact same outline..." (numbered paragraph (2), emphasis added) Consider in a non-fiction piece, this is more noticeable. Also, I question the comments as to 'referencing' as somewhat unclear, whether it is citing to a reference (i.e., the dictionary notations in the second paragraph, or does it mean referring to work of other without providing written citation)?

Altogether an interesting and memorable exploration of plagiarism vs originality - not black and white, but the shades are perceivable by writers (and readers, by extrapolation).

Thank you for sharing the work, something for my writer's toolbox (with the appropriate citation, if used) *Smile*

Write On !!
Kate
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House Targaryen image for G.o.T.


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In affiliation with Fantasy and Science Fiction So...  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.0)
Greetings, While searching through your portfolio, I found this gem *Gold*

The story of Laura, who recalls the address and revisits the house where she spent her childhood. The house, its foundation and grounds are the foundation of her life; more vital than the people with whom she shared the space. For Laura, this was not just where she belonged, but where she once thrived and was most alive, and the house, its shingles, its concrete drive and the trees that populated the grounds were as her companions. *Star*

The personality of Laura's non-sentient companions was vividly portrayed, alive as companions of her youth, as opposed to the people of her childhood, for she recalled them by their "grey disapproving looks." Whereas, "...an old apricot tree there that ruled the area with dark, reaching, full limbs." *Starg* Laura's relationship with these, her companions, though related in third person is an active story, showing not telling, active not passive. The only passive reference is to the mortal companions, whose actions caused but one effect (it would be a spoiler were I to cite to that here).

The story comes full circle, and though I think Laura physically revisited the place, it doesn't matter if she did not, as the story lives in the telling. *Thumbsup*

***

There are but a few items that pull me out of the story for a moment. For example, there is some repetition of imagery which draws out setting the scene rather than the action. Being that the story unfolds with the relationship and interactions among Laura and the non-sentient companions, this takes me out of the story and I re-read the sentence to return.

For example, the third paragraph, which describes in detail a part of the residence (avoiding spoiler here) feels somewhat 'telling'. The descriptive sentences could likely be tightened into two vivid, active images, like the "old apricot tree..." above mentioned. Avoid the passive, "She could remember..." perhaps something like "she used to go back there..." These are just some examples and possibles to explain my thoughts. When a story is related as recalling the past, tight images showing the action, the memories, hold the reader in the story itself.

The finale, Laura's tale comes full circle, a fitting resolution to a story well told. I look forward to reading more of your work.

Write On *Dragon*

Kate
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House Targaryen image for G.o.T.



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Rated: E | (4.0)
Greetings, I Write in September October and December and, while doing so, find some cool stories to read ^_^

I enjoyed reading the story of Leonora, and believe kids will like it as well. The worldbuilding is detailed and natural. Readers are introduced to a mermaid named Leonora, and the world of mer-people is easy to follow. Kids I'm sure will be able to relate to Leonora - as well as the stern teacher and the attitude of her classmates. (not spoilers). Leonora's encounter with the human boy; learning he has a like fear as hers; and how she dealt with it, an example of growth for Leonora. (again no spoilers)

Reading the second time, I find the story flows easily, explaining the nature of merpeople, how they study breathing in air. I find but a few occurrences of passive vovice and some words that may not be understood by a younger readership (not sure of the target age group.

I enjoyed the read and wish you luck in the contest ^^


Write On *Pencil*

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Kate's Reads


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In affiliation with The Poet's Place  Open in new Window.
Rated: ASR | (4.0)
Greetings, after reading aloud your lyric words; I offer my thoughts on the images I see, the vision I perceive, and the voice I've heard.

Overall: The villanelle form is well met with this poem. It starts ominously, the Goblin Green an entity or spirit to fear; providing a physical description for the senses, sight, and pungency I note the most *RollEyes* The poem tells a story with a fun resolution ^_^

Reading aloud: Reading aloud, again, the villanelle form with its repetition and end rhyming fits the tight vivid images. I can hear the doorbells, smell the feet (no more spoilers here) I can imagine this being recited in a haunted house, on a hayride or around an autumn campout *Thumbsup*

I note but a few spots where the pace feels uneven to me or the rhythm stutters and I go back to reread. I'd suggest a period at the end of the first stanza to balance with the rest; also consider balancing the syllable count to hold onto the aura of the poem - i.e., 4th stanza 2nd line - "You are someone he'd like to meet" in place of the contraction at the open. Consider the sound for emphasis of "You" and the balance of syllables ??

Thank you for an entertaining read - good luck in the contest ^_^
Write On *Pencil*
Kate
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Review of Adventure Awaits  Open in new Window.
In affiliation with Noticing Newbies Committee  Open in new Window.
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
Greetings! Welcome to Writing.Com. I'm reading your story for "I Write in August-September-October" Open in new Window. and offer here my comments and notes for consideration. *Smile*

I did not see the ending coming - I imagined the opposite of the obvious, so the ending was a surprise, but believable.

The story flows rather evenly from the viewpoint of the main character. The use of dialogue provides detail and moves the story forward.

The opening paragraph alludes to something different this day, as opposed to others, when he takes his morning cup of coffee, "today, he would savor each and every molecule of this precious beverage." (I love that image *CoffeeBl*

Consider, especially in the opening, holding tight images, avoiding redundancy, i.e., 'he smiled.' in place of 'he smiled to himself.' That would also leave room (in a story with fixed word limits) to provide additional detail. Also, when he first encounters his visitor, perhaps "..had never seen her before." eliminating the following "in his life."

The dialogue moves the story forward while providing relevant backstory and description of the characters.*ThumbsUpL* and, again, the ending is a surprise, but believable from what has transpired en route to the finale.

Trying to avoid spoilers here, but I'm questioning Harold's blind trust, or maybe he's following her legs *Wink*

The end is a roll-the-eyes surprise, and I enjoyed the read *Smile* I wish you luck in the contest and look forward to reading more of your work.

Once again, welcome to Writing.Com ^_^


Write On*Paw*

Kate
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Review of Lifted high  Open in new Window.
In affiliation with The Iron Bank of Braavos  Open in new Window.
Rated: ASR | (4.0)
Greetings, While searching through your portfolio, I found this vivid image in words and offer here my thoughts in response *Dragon*

The reprise as first line of each quatrain, speaks to the dragon, and each quatrain weaves another image of the writer's encounter with the dragon, form meeting, to knowing, to embracing the dragon's life. (spoiler alert *Wink*)

Reading aloud, holding the same end-rhyme throughout the poem is a challenge well met here; beginning each quatrain with an emphatic trochee is an emphatic lead in to the following three lines of the quatrain which weave the story in vivid action words.

Effective use of enjambment to maintain the flow, read like a verse of olden times. Repetition, along with the end rhyming throughout the poem (including the archaic expression in the last line of first quatrain *Thumbsupl*, I can almost hear the poem being sung by the fortune hunter, or perhaps a minstrel, *Music2*

Reading aloud, I note but a few occurrences where I come out of the story, where the rhythm or the image become less vivid.
*Right* third line of the first quatrain, suggest either a stop between the words 'space' and 'time or if remove 'too' the image is crisp. I love the image of 'frozen cold' *Smile*

The second stanza goes back and forth between the present and past, suggest selecting either one or the other in the third and fourth lines.

The third quatrain, so vivid and powerful *Star* I can see the dragon and writer together. The finale, to keep it immediate, consider a stop (comma ?) in place of 'and' then define that it's the writer not dragon who will be paroled (splendid choice of word/image *Star*.

Thank you for creating this vivid image of an encounter between two worlds, one long passed, yet still here, if we but look *Dragon*

Write On *Dragon*
Kate
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15
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In affiliation with RAOK Upgrade Brigade Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.0)
Greetings, and thank you for sharing this intriguing story, one which shows what may happen when one crosses the plane between the mortal and the other.

The story opens with the meeting between Molly (of another plane) and Mildred (a witch of a mortal place). Molly recognizes Mildred; but Mildred doesn't appear to know Molly, and for some reason Molly is not able (or permitted) to tell her how they are connected. No spoilers *Wink*

I find a couple places where I'm pulled out of the story. Molly's conflict with not revealing the relationship among the two of them plays out well for me, showing Molly's conflict, unable to disclose who she is while trying to reassure Mildred that's she intends her no harm.

The fact that Molly refers to Mildred as 'little' is unclear. I get the sense, later, that Molly is able to move on to a town with Mildred's directions.

The conversation flows rather naturally, from Molly's voice. I see but a few tags that are telling.

I would enjoy reading further the story of Molly and Mildred; perhaps a series of shorts ^_^

Thank you for an interesting and fun read.
Write On
Kate


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Review of Magic Box  Open in new Window.
In affiliation with RAOK Upgrade Brigade Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.0)
Greetings, thank you for sharing the the story of a child's immersion into 'reality'.

The story of Teddy I find poignant and sad, but the ending feels open, not final, as it would appear from mom's statement.

As a story I believe written for children, some of the wording feels formal for a boy talking with his mom, i.e., "So you are saying..." would not Teddy more likely say, "So you're saying..." or "So you're telling me..." ??

There's some repetition in working, i.e., the first paragraph, where in the second line, "...he decided to put his money..." then the next line, "...He decided to experiment..." Consider more vivid image from a kid's eye view, something like, "After the candy was all eaten, he started putting his money in the box."

There are few occasions of passive voice, likely caused by the word count restrictions. Mom's explanation and Teddy's realization are both poignant and put a twist on the heart, but I hope once the challenge is done, you choose to take Teddy's story further, the ending feels open, like there's something more to discovery *Smile*

Thank you for weaving the story of Teddy's and his magic box; I look forward to some more good reads in your portfolio *Reading*

Write On *Frog*
Kate
Write On *Pencil*

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Review of Autumn  Open in new Window.
In affiliation with RAOK Upgrade Brigade Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.5)
Thank you, Jenny, for sharing this vivid image of Autumn ~ I can see the colors painted in vivid verse, smell the scent and feel both the joy and sadness in the season.

Reading aloud, in the first stanza, alive, vibrant choice of words, images upbeat, describe the opening couplet, personalizing the outward things of autumn; the ending couplet mellows out, preparing for the second stanza. The second stanza, author's personal feeling, softer voice, personal feeling of , the 'mellow fruitfulness'; the opposite to first stanza, bidding farewell to the time of joy, assonance paints vivid images, sighing, silencing, ending. *Cry* Beautiful imagery, I'm there.

Reading aloud, I find little imbalance in the flow; alliteration and assonance countering effectively and adding stress, momentum both fast and slow, with but a few places where my voice halts in the reading. A possible miscue - in the second stanza, 'sock draw' I think 'sock drawer' is the intent.

The vivid images that remain after having read aloud, the ending of each stanza, a balance of silence, the assonance of "Counting sleeps/‘til Christmas." and "Shiver sadly/In the cold, twilight air." So poignant and vivid.

Thank you again for sharing your lyric vision, and good luck in the contest *Leaf4*

Write On *Frog*
Kate
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18
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Review of Sidney The Slug  Open in new Window.
In affiliation with I Write  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (5.0)
Thank you for sharing this lyric verse; may be for kids but it had the little kid in me chuckling.

The title, Sidney the Slug, is fun and I hear immediately the assonance, which continues throughout the poem *Right* lyric and fun to say (read aloud) Related in the first person (Sidney's viewpoint) I think also appeals to kids, they can see Sidney as a cool character, although they may squinch an eye at the ending of each stanza; each of which follow and and build upon each other, telling a story in verse *Thumbsup*

A strong use of repetition and assonance (Sidney the Slug Slithering is a vivid image - even if a kid has never touched, or even seen, a slug, they do in this poem. Use of iambs and anapests provide a beat that's easy to 'recite' for kids.

Thank you for the fun, and I wish you luck in the contest ~ Sydney the Slug is well dressed for the party *Smile*

Write On
Kate
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19
19
Review of Nine Inch Nails  Open in new Window.
In affiliation with Noticing Newbies Committee  Open in new Window.
Rated: 18+ | (3.0)
Greetings! Thank you for sharing your work. I'm delighted to read your story and offer here my comments and notes for consideration as you choose *Smile*

Your story is intriguing, and I likethe resolution which refers the reader back to the opening paragraph, although with a delightfully *Shock* twist.

Although it's hard to create a full story in just 1000 words, I can see the premise, the ominous plot developing, leading to the resolution which refers the reader back to the opening.

I would like to have seen a bit more depth to Chase and Cindy's characters; relating to the music perhaps. I believe Mrs. Marble (intriguing name, I can see a Miss. Marple alter-ego *Smirk* offers an effective laidback foil. Consider foreshadowing the pair's encounter with Brutus, i.e., "We have been here at least..." in place of "I have been here..." (see how it alludes to someone/thing else, which at first passes over their heads, but is revealed in the twist??).

I hear some passive segments, which could likely be woven into the action, which could reveal more about the characters and their emotions as the story evolves. The first person introduciton, for example, could be woven into the opening paragraph, which is related in third-person, as is the rest of the story. The opening also gives me the image that the song is being played in the house and heard by the pair in the car. Does Mrs. Marble's appearance change when she hears the lyrics, does she smile or look at the radio, or would they make note that she doesn't appear to notice?

With respect to the passive 'telling' consider the paragraph where the three go down the stairs to the basement. I suggest holding that paragraph in Cindy's voice. Instead of "...half way and the noise was heard...," something like, "Cindy stopped short halfway down the stairs. 'Did you hear that?' she whispered to Chase." Also, when the speaker changes, there should be a new paragraph to indicate that change to the reader.

I also think it would add to the 'slice' aspect to see how Brutus and the nine-inch-nails are used *Shock*

A deliciously decadent story ~ I wish you luck in the contest. and look forward to reading more of your work.

Welcome to Writing.Com,
Write On *Paw*
Kate
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20
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Review of Just Fishing  Open in new Window.
In affiliation with RAOK Upgrade Brigade Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: ASR | (4.0)
Greetings! I am delighted to read your poem, and offer here my comments to a fellow Rising Star*Thumbsup*

The title and tag line intrigue and invite the casual passerby to step in and read on. Not giving away spoilers, but which image is revealed by sleight of hand in quick order *Waterdrop* The poem reveals with each couplet another image/detail which ultimately ends on land (okay, my metaphor) *Smile*

Reading aloud, the rhyming couplets encase and reveal each image, allowing for pause to see and sense said image. I'm also hearing an iambic beat that resonates in many couplets, with alternate rhythmic patterns that focus the listener to evolving images. The questions that start the second half of the poem give such emphasis and pause. *Star*

The references to both fishing and water continue through the poem.*water*

I hear but a couple places where the rhythm falters for me, the second last couplet where the rhythm feels unbalanced and I think the near-rhyme feels a bit forced (act with that) Also, the third line, consider 'who' in place of 'that' as it relates to a person.

The poem resolves with effect for me the questions posed and the images evolving.*Star* I thank you for sharing your work and look forward to visiting your portfolio for some more reading ^_^

Write On *Paw*
Kate
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Review of What Love Is This  Open in new Window.
In affiliation with RAOK Upgrade Brigade Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.0)
Greetings! I am delighted to read your beautiful poem, and offer here my comments to a fellow Rising Star*Star*

The title of the poem, when coupled with the tag line, calls to my mind a time of bards and minstrels. The poem tells a story, the first quatrain, the pair first meet; in the second, "love blooms and grows," and in the they are joined in their love. The conclusion is a well met resolution, again Shakespearean, their love will "Beyond our time into the next, hold fast." *Heart*

Reading aloud, what I sense, I sense the volta with shift from the couple as two individuals to becoming united as one.
"These two together never will they fail.
Hearts beat as one, forever they do stay."
Beautiful Image *Heart*

Reading aloud, I hear the pentameter of the Shakespearean sonnet; although I'm also hearing iambic, trochees, and other lyric rhythm, which I'm not certain fall strictly into the Shakespearean modal but are lyric poetic variances. I also hear in the first line of the couplet, eleven syllables - I think it's the pronounciation of "our" as two versus one syllable - I believe a matter of dialect. It's still my favorite image.*Star*

Finally, again, reading aloud, I hear a lyric voice relating in verse the tale of a love that is not binding but a joining of hearts. Thank you for the beautiful image. *Smile*

Write On *Paw*
Kate
Kate
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In affiliation with Noticing Newbies Committee  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Greetings! Welcome, fellow writer, to Writing.Com. *Smile*

Thank you for sharing your work. I offer here my comments and notes for consideration, as you choose *Smile*

I think your story meets the parameters of the '100 word challenge' and 'Twisted Tales' - an alternate telling of a fairy tale, and is just as vivid as the familiar tale *Shock*

The images in the story flow well from the opening hook, beginning with action, then showing, not telling in the middle, and the resolution and finale - no spoiler here for your next reader *Thumbsup*

Being a short story, each image I believe needs be active,rather than passive, and your story generally, is vivid, engaging the senses. Beginning with action, and the twist is unexpected and resolves the issue posed in the opening. *Thumbsup*

I note but a few places, where I was pulled briefly from the story. The opening hook appears passive. Repeating 'the air' within the same sentence; consider showing how the slipper flew into the air, someone/something must have thrown it? maybe her stepsister, or perhaps she threw the slipper? and the prince plucking it from the air shows the reaction.

Although it's in the title, introducing Cinderella by name after, not within, the opening action is dramatic and recalls the familiar fairy tale to the reader, who may settle down, thinking the story will be a re-telling of the classic. Thus, the next image, the unexpected twist is effective, making your reader expect something different, ominous, without telling all *Star* Consider to keep it vivid for your reader, showing the prince putting the shoe on her foot (rather than generally on her), and then maybe the sharp pain is across her toes, or her heel ??? See where I'm going here.

The climax of the fairy tale is not what was expected, but a creative alternative ending *Star*

Once again, welcome to our Community, and best of luck in the contests *Smile* I look forward to reading more of your work.

Write On*Paw*

Kate
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for entry "Summer Tanka" Open in new Window.
In affiliation with The Poet's Place  Open in new Window.
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
Greetings, after reading aloud your lyric words; I offer my thoughts on the images I see, the vision I perceive, and the voice I've heard.

I see a poem where the heat of summer results in endings, of nature personified and of human nature. The tanka form feels appropriate to the images shown, first the action that occurs, then followed by the result. *Thumbsup*

Reading aloud, the enjambment through the first three lines creates heat, pressure, foreshadowing. I would suggest perchance another word in place of 'the', as in a short form poem, each word, especially in the opening, would engage the senses.

Reading aloud, I note that the second and fifth lines could be either seven or eight syllables dependent on pronunciation (everything, struggling). I would therefore call it a non-traditional tanka for submission purposes. But please don't change them, each is a vivid, dramatic image; the final couplet so intense, vital. *Star*

This is a beautiful poem, poignant and real, that remains with me after the reading. Best of luck in the contest *Smile*

Write On*Paw*
Kate
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Review of My Poet Tree  Open in new Window.
In affiliation with RAOK Upgrade Brigade Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.5)
Greetings! I am delighted to read your work, and offer here my comments to a fellow Rising Star*Thumbsup*

The Title and tag intrigue, I'm curious to open and read to discover whether it's a tree or a 'branching' play on words that speaks to 'poetic justice'. Reading the poem answers my question fully and with poetic justice *Wink*

The shape poem works for this verse, I see here a tree that's vibrant and full, disproving the writer's contention *Smile*

Reading aloud, the words selected for shaping the tree paint images of a tree and poem becoming. Effective use of enjambment not just to fit the tree image, but to weave the lyric stories. I also see some end-rhyme and near-rhyme to pull together the images. Alliteration and assonance engage the ear, and vivid word usage which, in a short poem, I believe is necessary to engage the listener/reader. *Thumbsup*

Altogether an enjoyable poem, with both wry wit and whimsy.

Write On
Kate
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Review of Fated Humming  Open in new Window.
In affiliation with The Poet's Place  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Greetings, I was looking to read some poetry and was drawn to your words in verse *Smile*. The title intrigues with some ambiguity as to what the tag line may reveal. My comments and thoughts I share with you, to use as you will if you choose so to do*Smile*

I see here a fun poem for both child and adult, with a twist of dark humor. From the title and tag line, I imagine a bee sting coming with a buzzing song.

Technical notes: The Saraband poetic form is well met in the end-rhyming, per the examples I found in The Poet's Garrett. I see you chose here to use end-rhymed tercet, and rhyming couplets in each quatrain, maintaining balance and aiding the lyric flow of the verse*Thumbsup*

Reading aloud: I find lyric balance in the opening tercet to each septet. The iambic meter with the opening spondees in lines 1 of each tercet rachets up the tension and the spondees and dactyls in the third lines finish the image, slowing down the listener just a bit for the vivid detail that follows. *Star* Effective use of enjambment in first tercet immediately puts the listener on high alert, draws them into the story and intrigues. Likewise in the final couplet, enjambment brings a longer final breath of the story in verse. *Star*

Reading aloud the story behind the verse, the third line in the first quatrain, goes back to past tense after the second line brings forward with immediacy. Consider holding to the present, i.e. The stinging begins quickly then. to maintain the immediacy and urgency ??

I enjoyed this lyric rendition of a bumblebee's dance, and recommend it as a fun read for young and young-minded both. By the way, a fun picture you've added.*ouch*

I look forward to reading more of your work ^_^
Write On *Paw**Paw*
Striving to live the ordinary life in a non-ordinary way.
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