Wanted to check out at least one more of your pieces before I moved on today.
I like this story too. The character development is nice, and I like the way things are starting to happen. I like that you've allowed the reader to make their own assumptions about Riley and Malachi instead of spelling it all out for them instead. The voice of the story is good too.
I've noticed two things that tell me that you're a young writer - the plethora of long sentences, made by using lots of extra phrases, and words close together that are either the same or very similar.
Here're samples of what I mean:
This sentence has an extra phrase (& in this case, a duplicated idea):
I looked around at the laughing groups of our peers surrounding us and smiled to myself; Riley was all the friendship I needed.
I like this sentence. It tells me a lot about Bekah and how she thinks of her friend, but I noticed that "surrounding us" is an extra phrase. From the 'looked around' part, the reader already knows that they're in a group - choose one phrase or the other. There are several instances of this kind of thing throughout - great sentences and ideas, just too much info expressed in extra phrases. Go through and decide what you really want to express with each sentence. If the idea of the sentence needs the phrase, leave it in. If the idea falls apart without that phrase, leave it in, but if the sentence reads easier and the idea is strong without the phrase, take it out, like I suggested with this sentence revision. (Does that make sense?)
Here's a needlessly long sentence:
After what seemed like hours the bell to end the period finally sounded and a collective sigh ran through the crowd around me as people pushed themselves out of their chairs and began trudging towards their first classes of the year.
See... I like all of the ideas expressed here, but by the end of this sentence, I'm tired. Be kind to your readers by making it flow a little better.
Here's my suggestion: After what seemed like hours, the bell ended the period. A collective sigh wafted through the crowd as people pushed themselves out of their chairs and trudged towards the beginning of yet another school year.
In this one, your ideas are intact but it's easier to read because it's more succinct and to the point.
Here's a sentence that repeats a word close together:
Waving my arm over my head, I wished – not for the first time – that I was taller than my five feet, and I grew increasingly impatient as he continued to search over my head.
I like the action of this sentence and the sentiments expressed, but it could use a little fine tuning. See that 'head' is used twice in this one sentence? That's something to be avoided if possible. Try to express what you mean by pushing yourself to come up with another way of saying it. Try something like: Waving my arm over my head, I wished - not for the first time - that I was taller than my five feet, and I grew impatient as he continued to overlook me.
You've got just a few run-on sentences scattered throughout, but what I noticed more was the lack of commas. Punctuation has never really been one of my strong points, so I'm not the best person to tell you where to put them, but I noticed the lack of them in your work because of the long sentences. In general, a long sentence isn't taboo or anything, but it needs to be constructed in such a way as not to make your reader notice it's length more than the ideas you're trying to get across. I have trouble with that too. I've always written really long sentences. It's like I can't seem to let the idea end without putting all my knowledge into the space between the capital letter and the period.
I'm not sure what kind of school they're at - is it a private school with lodging and such? Perhaps give the reader a little more setting detail - not a lot, just a little. All you'll need are a few specific details. Think about it. I'd also like to see a little more detail about what Riley and Bekah look like other than their heights. I mean, it seems that the only person in the story that the narrator seems interested enough in to give a descrip is the new guy. I understand that... donno, on second thought, maybe it's part of the characterization of Bekah. I mean, the reader's looking at things through her eyes and Riley's so familiar that she doesn't really see him any more. Perhaps you can play on that a little later in the story - something could happen to make her notice what he looks like. And a general description of her would be easily done as she checks her reflection in anticipation of seeing the new guy or something. Just some standard things - hair, clothing - doesnt have to be specific.
And just so you know, the thought that kept ringing in my mind as I read this was that this kid's definitely a talented writer. I hope the comments I've offered encourage you to keep going. You have a good way with words and with some practice and just a little training, I'm sure you'll continue to blossom. Good work.
Happy writing,
Jen
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