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3,207 Public Reviews Given
3,255 Total Reviews Given
Review Style
Casual for the most part. I will point out errors I see and offer suggested corrections. I like to focus on the content and formatting of the item. I love providing helpful comments and feedback that may improve the item if acted on.
I'm good at...
I like to provide suggestions to the author on things I see that may need a second look. I'm not afraid to do a little research to verify a poem's format, or the contents of a story (if requested).
Favorite Genres
Mystery, Horror, Sci-Fi, Comedy, and Suspense
Least Favorite Genres
Honestly, I will read anything if asked. I just prefer those listed above.
Favorite Item Types
Short stories, novellas, books (though a review of that may take days/weeks due to my schedule), Poetry of any format.
Least Favorite Item Types
I find non-structured poetry difficult to review, unless there is a short disclaimer about this non-structure that would help in understanding the reason it's in that particular format.
I will not review...
I'm not interested in Vore, In and Out's, Growing/Shrinking, or other items that are similar to one of these.
Public Reviews
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1
1
Review by Sum1's In D... Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: E | (3.5)
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Hey TheNoMonster Author IconMail Icon,
         I saw your suitcase on the Anniversary Review page and thought I'd drop in to honor this occasion, your 23rd WDC Anniversary!

         Y'know, dream sequences are very hard to write about, if you're trying to remember a dream that is. You seem to be doing that in this essay. Yeah, essay because it's all tell, no show. There is no dialog to carry it along, except in the next to last paragraph. I like your idea for this, but it does need some work.

         These are my thoughts on this, take them as you will.

         1, In this line you say you're packing to return from an extended vacation. I was, somehow, packing to return from an extended vacation and did not have time to search for my dog, but of course had to get him or we would miss our flight, which was a cruise ship with wings, which left from somewhere that I could not recall and I was unsure I even booked the tickets.

         a. The first part is okay, but my initial thought was the following. This is one of the best examples of a run-on sentence I've seen in a while. That's not a good thing. It could easily be broken into at last three separate sentences. Here's what I mean. Somehow, I was, packing to return? from an extended vacation. I did not have time to search for my dog, but of course had to get him. If not, we would miss our flight. Our flight was a cruise ship with wings. It left from somewhere, but I did not know where. Plus, I was unsure I even booked the tickets. This breaks it up for you and the reader,

         b. If you're returning from an extended vacation, even on a winged Cruise Ship, you must have taken your dog with you. So you're telling the reader that there is a street that suddenly appears near the Cruise Ship. I know this is a dream, but still....

         c. This line is confusing. And the audience member was me. It is redundant to these lines. The dreamer awoke with a start. Me. I was the dreamer. You might change this to I was both the audience member, and the performer. Like I mentioned earlier, it is almost impossible to recall a dream, much less write about it. If I may offer a suggestion here. Just remember what you can, if it doesn't make sense in a story, then fictionalize it. Don't make it confusing for everyone, including you.

         d. In an early line, you tell us that your dog is white, but is black in your dream. Now you tell us I sat on the floor next to Otto, my macchiato-colored (hence his name) rescue, part shepherd part husky. You really need to differentiate between your dream and waking reality. All you would need to do is add a line before this one about waking in the morning.

         Despite my comments above, I enjoyed this. Why? Because I find it interesting to hear about, or read about someone's dreams. My wife has some crazy ones, let me tell you. I'd love to read this again, IF you choose to edit this. Add dialog early on, even if fictional! Thank you for sharing.


Sum1

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2
2
Review of No Need for Magic  Open in new Window.
Review by Sum1's In D... Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: E | (4.0)
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Hey Kyle Curcio Author IconMail Icon,
         I saw your suitcase on the Anniversary Review page and thought I'd drop in to honor this occasion, your 16th WDC Anniversary!

         I've learned to appreciate Flash Fiction, and having written a couple I understand how difficult it can be to write a good one.

{indent/}In reading this a second time, I'm left with a couple (few?) questions though. But first, my thoughts on this. As Flash Fiction, it's short, very short, but it needs to be. You've done well with this, though it does seem to be a little disjointed. Keep in mind that I'm now considered a Senior Citizen and may have a warped view of things.

         1. You mention the Harpies early on, but never really include them beyond that initial mention. I could be wrong, but you seemed to hint at them when you said, All of them now were guilty. All of them would pay. Just prior to that though, you mention Gorgons. This is a bit confusing, at least to me. You seem to want to keep the Harpies in the forefront, but you bring in other creatures most may have never heard of (Gorgons). Keep in mind this is Flash Fiction. Keep it simple without adding numerous characters

         2. In the last sentence, Amin pulls a pistol. My disconnect is that I thought your story was based in a time before pistols were a weapon in use.

         3. Your brief description says, All of them would pay.... but those in the know. I fail to see how this relates to your story. I do see how the title relates to it via that last line.

         Despite my comments above, I enjoyed your story. It's well written and flows nicely, albeit quickly. That's the nature of Flash Fiction though. I'd love to see it lengthened. To me, it seems a little disjointed due to adding the Gorgons, no further mention of the Harpies other than Amin yelling that the Harpies have come initially. Then add in the line, They'd gotten to the boy. What does the boy have to do with this story? There's just a whole lot going on for a Flash Fiction story. Yes, Flash Fiction, but it still needs to be a complete, very short story. Thank you for sharing!


Sum1

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3
3
Review of A Child's Story  Open in new Window.
Review by Sum1's In D... Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: E | (4.0)
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Hey Chris/Marvin,
         I saw your suitcase on the Anniversary Review page and thought I'd drop in to honor this occasion, your 12th WDC Anniversary!

         This is a story with a lot of potential. This would make an excellent horror story, but it does need some help. The biggest issue with your story is there is far too much telling and very little showing. What's the difference? How can you edit this so it 'shows' more?

         First a definition of telling: telling in writing is summarizing information quickly. It allows writers to move concisely between varying ideas, acting much like an outline to guide the reader from point A to point B. Showing: Showing involves details that help build on these points, giving the reader more cues for understanding the content.

         My suggestions.

         1. Add some dialog. It doesn't have to be completely correct or non-fiction. Adding a little dialog to this would help flow smoother and draw a reader in. Show us more, we (readers) want more!

         2. Adding dialog will also lengthen this a little, again improving the flow of it. When writing something, ask yourself what the character would say. Then just write it! Be careful though, write the dialog realistically. Too many times I've read a good story, but the dialog in it is stilted, unrealistic.

         I guess that's my only real disconnect with this nice story. I'd love to rate it higher than I have, but without dialog I can't. Thank you for sharing.


Sum1

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4
4
Review by Sum1's In D... Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: E | (4.5)
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Hey Starr Author IconMail Icon,
         I saw your suitcase on the Anniversary Review page and thought I'd drop in to honor this occasion, your 23rd WDC Anniversary!

         Being a Veteran myself, I love most anything about Veteran's. This is no exception to that small idea, it's an excellent poem. You've used a consistent rhyme scheme of ABCB throughout that works well in your poem. I Love it.

         The meter of it is a little off in places, something I didn't mind. The longest line syllable count wise has 9 syllables, the shortest one has 4, That's a bit off, but the short lines consistently seem to usually be the second line. I found it read nicely as I read it a second time counting the syllables in each line.

         There are a few very small words for you to look at and consider, should you ever edit this. Let me show you what I saw.s

         1. In poetry, sometimes less is better than more. Here's an example: So with his family, may he be found. You might want to delete the word 'So'. It's not needed, and would make this line a little shorter in syllables,

         2. There are a couple of places missing a comma. Put through a spell checker to test this issue. Here's one. And when the fights over Fights should be fight's. As written, fights is plural, as if he's still fighting. With the comma, the word becomes a conjunction, what the line now says is, And when the fight (is) over.

         Another line where less is more, and still brings the point home. And he's done it for you and for me. Delete the first word, again it's unnecessary, the line still reads the same. He's done it for you and for me.


         You've written an excellent poem that just needs a little Writing TLC to become even better. Thank you for sharing!


Sum1

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5
5
Review by Sum1's In D... Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
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Hey Davy Kraken Author IconMail Icon
         I saw your suitcase on the Anniversary Review page and thought I'd drop in to honor this occasion, your 23rd WDC Anniversary!

         Hey Davy, I don't normally read, much less review Free Form Poetry anymore Dropping by your port and reading was done on a whim, but I'm certainly glad I chose to drop by. Freeform Poetry is how I initially started writing poetry long ago, but I don't think I was ever really good at it.

         I think your poem hits the nail on the head. It's full of your imagination; that's all we have when it comes to Black Holes. There are a lot of Science theories floating around about these things, but that's all they are, Theories. I think you described things well in this, at least as well as we can imagine. This is an excellent poem, thank you for sharing!



Sum1

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6
6
Review of Derailed  Open in new Window.
Review by Sum1's In D... Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
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Hey Gaby,
         I saw your suitcase on the Anniversary Review page and thought I'd drop in to honor this occasion, your 19th WDC Anniversary!

         Well shoot, now you have me in a bind. This is an excellent story, but you left me hanging! Was that intentional? I bet it was.

         This is either part of a longer story, or meant to be part of one that maybe, you never updated or completed. You leave me with a few questions that I'll get to in a minute.

         First though, my comments. Well written with a fast paced flow. I was wondering if your main character was male or female, then you had her talk to herself and I learned her name was Catherine. Everything started so quickly I had to run to catch up. Your plot is tight, it was easy to follow, so let's get to my questions/comments.

         1. Who is the man who gave her the package? How did he die. I assume he was killed, so then my question is why, and by who? Why weren't those people around afterwards, or were they those men in the black overcoats?

         2. I assume you were under a word count limit since this is 998 words in length. Since it was written about 12 years ago, isn't it time to edit it and build on it?

         3. Who were the men in black coats and why did they want the package? Since the package contained pages of code, was it computer code, or something else?

         4. Your ending is Horrible, it leaves the reader hanging! That is meant as a compliment too. But this story does need to be completed. It needs a beginning as you know, and a little more filler in the plot before the end. It's an excellent start to things, but man oh man does it need fleshing out.

         I do love the ending, but it needs a bit more build-up to it before you get there. An excellent story that needs a little editing TLC and lengthening to make it complete. Thank you for sharing!


Sum1

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7
7
Review of Oh Life!  Open in new Window.
Review by Sum1's In D... Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: E | (4.5)
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Hey ernest dempsey Author IconMail Icon
         I saw your suitcase on the Anniversary Review page and thought I'd drop in to honor this occasion, your 22nd WDC Anniversary!

         I enjoyed this relatively short poem you've written. I found that last line to be very profound. It can hit you when you read it, as if you are anticipating leaving God's Green Earth, yet starting life anew. I have only two comments about your poem, for your consideration. The comments are not meant to be critical in nature, more of a suggestion/personal preference than anything.

         1. Center the poem on the page using WritingML.

         2. Include the title of the poem above it, also centered, and maybe with bold text. It would look like this (again, a personal preference)


OH Life!

Too far away is the land of peace
My laughter can't be true
My pending heart and staggering breath
Won't make it I always knew
My dimming eyes weep on and on
What else good they can do
My witty lips but smile still
To keep the tomb of grief askew
Oh life! How long did I pursue
The end of me the start of you



         This is your poem though, edit it if you wish. Thank you for sharing!



Sum1

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8
8
Review of Memories  Open in new Window.
Review by Sum1's In D... Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: E | (4.0)
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Hey lucky dog Author IconMail Icon,
         I saw your suitcase on the Anniversary Review page and thought I'd drop in to honor this occasion, your 9th WDC Anniversary!

         First and foremost, Thank You For Your Service! As a former Submarine Sailor, I know a little of what you experienced serving our country.

         You've written a short essay here, in my opinion I feel it could be much longer. You mention memories and the possibility of losing them, why don't you share some of those memories? This would preserve them for you, and maybe your children/wife. Perhaps some concerning growing up, and some about your time in service, or afterwards with the railroad or Cal Edison? This would allow your readers to know you a little better.

         Throughout your essay you seem to obsess over growing older and suffering from Alzheimer's, and though not mentioned, Dementia. My thoughts on this? Don't worry about it too much. If you're (we're) going to be afflicted with that, there's not a lot that can be done, much like Cancer. So relax and enjoy your senior years!

         While this is a good essay, it does need a little bit of writing TLC. I noticed a few very small errors you might want to look at should you decide to edit this.

         1. I would hate to loose those memories because of an illness. Loose should be lose.

         2. Alzheimer's is a robber and a thief because it steels those memories. Steels should be steals.

         3. It's not just the lose of memories but you loose the ability to know who you are, and what made you the person you see in the mirror. Lose should be loss, and once again you use loose when it should be lose.

         4. Keeping and eye on the rear view mirror will help you navigate those highways. And should be an.


         You're started a nice essay here, just use your memory to lengthen it a little! Thank you for sharing.


Sum1

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9
9
Review of Betrayal  Open in new Window.
Review by Sum1's In D... Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: E | (4.5)
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Hey Thx11283 Author IconMail Icon,
         I saw your suitcase on the Anniversary Review page and thought I'd drop in to honor this occasion, your 14th WDC Anniversary!

         This is well written, you throw your heart out there for everyone to see. Yes, you feel regret, sorrow, and more. This is one reason I love the written word. IF you take the time, you have the chance to read what you're saying and edit it accordingly.

         I recall typing an email at work when I was upset. I wasn't betraying anyone, nor was I getting back at anyone. I just felt that I had been slighted over something very trivial, and was venting. Thankfully I read the email before sending it and deleted it.

         Verbal actions cannot be undone. No matter how much you apologize, you can't retract the words. I've learned, and it was a long, hard path to learning, to watch what I say, to measure my words before I say them. I am not always successful, but I try, it's all anyone can do.

         Thank you for writing this, it serves as a reminder to me to always watch my words, and what I type. Well done! Thank you for sharing.



Sum1

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10
10
Review by Sum1's In D... Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: 18+ | N/A (Review only item.)
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Hey Nikola,
         I saw your suitcase on the Anniversary Review page and thought I'd drop in to honor this occasion, your 21st WDC Anniversary!

         This is quite a story you've written here, but it sort of left me hanging. Don't get me wrong, I enjoyed reading this, very much so. You painted a nice picture of Jenny and Connor, and their relationship. There's no doubt in my mind that Connor had been abusing Jenny for whatever reason(s). You didn't give details as to why she was abused by him, that may be something to delve into should you choose to lengthen this. Maybe it's best to leave the details to the readers imagination, that's for you to decide.

         Carla was also described well, I found myself wondering why Connor drifted to Jenny and not Carla, perhaps it was the cheerleader image that drew him. Star Football player in a small town, Head Cheerleader, a perfect couple it would seem. I like that you did not provide details about his death, or how a 5 foot 100 lb former Cheerleader could overcome a man who stood 6 foot four with a muscular build. Some things are better left unsaid.

         I did see one small thing you might want to look at, should you decide to edit this.

1. Ty bleed out before making the 911 call.
Jenny had unlocked the front door

These two lines are in the same paragraph, and should be on the same line. A double space between the end of one sentence and the beginning of the next sometimes causes this.


         It's not often that I find a kind of gruesome story to read, but this one was enjoyable. Thank you for sharing!



Sum1

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11
11
Review of The Silver Wand  Open in new Window.
Review by Sum1's In D... Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: E | (5.0)
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Hey Brenpoet Author IconMail Icon,
         I saw your suitcase on the Anniversary Review page and thought I'd drop in to honor this occasion, your 23rd WDC Anniversary!

         I love short poems like this, one that tells a beautiful story. I loved the thought your father put into the wand, but I'm so sad your mother didn't live to see the performance. She was there in spirit I'm sure. I just wonder how you managed to perform?!

         I read this seeral times trying to find something to comment on, but couldn't. Oh, I just had a thought though. I know this is a poem formatted as a couplet. If you could somehow add two more lines, it would be a Quatrain. Not that it needs that, it was just a thought.

         An excellent poem, thank you for sharing!


Sum1

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12
12
Review by Sum1's In D... Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: 18+ | (3.5)
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Hey Steven,
         I saw your suitcase on the Anniversary Review page and thought I'd drop in to honor this occasion, your 14th WDC Anniversary!

         You've written an interesting story here, but you also have a lot more telling combined with very little showing. Even your dialog doesn't show as much as it could. Don't get me wrong, I liked your story, enjoyed reading it, but the telling in it really turned me away. Admittedly, I only read thru The Big Day. I could have read more, but a brief look at the following Chapters confirmed what I had already seen. Quite a bit of telling with little showing. Please allow me to give you an example or two, first your words, then my idea of improving it by showing a reader the scene.

         1. Mounting his hover bike, Max speeds towards the city. At an intersection, he pauses, drawn by the chaos of a recent accident. The robotic police haven't arrived, and bystanders are frantically trying to help. As he prepares to leave, a strange figure across the street catches his eye. The observer, holding a peculiar device, seems to be recording the scene. Suddenly, the stranger notices Max, turns abruptly, and slips into an alley. Curiosity piqued, Max follows. Here is my idea of providing more showing to a reader. Mounting his hover bike, Max speeds towards the city. At an intersection, he pauses, drawn by the chaos of a recent accident. The robotic police haven't arrived, and bystanders are frantically trying to help. The damage to the two vehicles is obvious. One has a shattered windshield, the driver hanging out window, appearing to be unconscious. The other vehicle's occupant is not seen anywhere. As he prepares to leave the accident scene, a strange figure across the street catches his eye. The observer, holding a peculiar device, seems to be recording everything. Max got the impression that this bystander was really the driver of the second vehicle. Suddenly, the stranger notices Max, turns abruptly, and slips into an alley. Curiosity piqued, Max follows.

         2. Navigating the narrow passage, Max sees the alley light up with an intense green fireball. Shielding his eyes, he glimpses the stranger stepping into a swirling tunnel that vanishes, leaving only a brick wall. Shaken, Max races back to his hover bike, fleeing through the city without looking back. He crosses into the "old town," a desolate area abandoned by society, where the marginalized live without social security or energy. The empty streets and eerie silence make his heart race faster. Again, my idea of an edit. Navigating the narrow passage, Max finds the stranger at the end of the alley. The stranger presses a button on his device and the whole alley lights up with an intense green fireball. Shielding his eyes, he glimpses the stranger stepping into a swirling tunnel that vanishes, leaving only a brick wall. Max runs to to the stranger's previous location only to find a solid brick wall. Shaken, Max races back to his hover bike, fleeing through the city without looking back. He quickly realizes he's not being watched or followed as he crosses into the "old town," a desolate area abandoned by society, where the marginalized live without social security or energy. The empty streets and eerie silence make his heart race faster.

         You don't always need dialog to move the story, Dialog does help, believe me. I'm just not sure how you might have used it here, possibly adding some as Max talked to bystanders at the accident scene. But you need to describe what's going on. Otherwise, you're doing as you've written, you're telling a reader what's going on. By adding descriptions. This pulls a reader into the story, their minds race as they fill in gaps you fail to fill, either intentionally, or unintentionally.

         This is a good story, it only needs a little editing TLC to improve it. Thank you for sharing!/size}



Sum1

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13
13
Review of Angels  Open in new Window.
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Rated: ASR | (5.0)
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Hey Ken
         I saw your suitcase on the Anniversary Review page and thought I'd drop in to honor this occasion, your 16th WDC Anniversary!

         As I said in the Newsfeed post, Wow! I love your poem, it speaks to me in many ways. Like you, I rarely write anymore, at times I think I've forgotten how to write well. I love to write about particular subjects, among them Santa, and Veterans. I found this to be incredible.

         I know Angels appear in our lives in many shapes and sizes, and in many forms. It will sound sappy, but I think mine sits across from me right now. *Smile*

         Try as I might, I couldn't find fault with your poem Not a single misspelled word, nothing amiss. The message contained in it is beautiful, the rhyming perfect, with a rhythm that varied a little, but not enough to matter. I'm sure others can and will find fault, but they'll be picking at very small issues. For me, it was the message contained therein. One of Love, Hope, Resilience, and Angels.

         This is a truly beautiful poem, thank you for sharing!



Sum1

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14
Review by Sum1's In D... Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: E | (2.5)
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Hey Silverwindrose,
         I saw your suitcase on the Anniversary Review page and thought I'd drop in to honor this occasion, your 12th WDC Anniversary!

         I would love to give this a 5 star rating, but I can't. You have started a very interesting story here, but you need to finish it. I really enjoyed reading it, but it has quite a few issues here. But, and put a lot of emphasis on the word But here, this needs a lot of work. I mean a lot!

         I saw that you mentioned having Dyslexia, but this is more than Dyslexia, at least it seems that way. There are numerous missing words, misused words, and spelling/usage errors throughout. Let me provide a couple of examples. (Keep in mind these are all very minor in nature, but when there are many errors like this, it really detracts from the read).

         1. technology.The only problem the ship's crew had was this race had a habit of scavenging thing they found without thinking about it. You can see the need of a space between technology and the (I'd used 2 spaces myself). Also though, thing should be things.

         2. Panic filled me what in the world had they done. You need a comma after me, and maybe italicize the rest of that line, as well as using single quotation marks to show she's thinking this, not saying it.

         3. I took a deep breathe just to feel those skittering around inside seam to pause as if something was different than what they where use to. Seam should be seem, where should be were. Additionally, as written the line does not make sense to me. Perhaps you meant something like this. I took a deep breathe, and as I did I could feel those skittering around inside me seem to pause, as if something was different than what they were use to.


         Like I said, I like your story and its premise, but it needs a lot of editing TLC. Perhaps use a spell checker, as well as checking punctuation and grammar usage. Thank you for sharing!



Sum1

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15
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Review by Sum1's In D... Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: E | (4.5)
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Hey DJ. Venson Author IconMail Icon
         I saw your suitcase on the Anniversary Review page and thought I'd drop in to honor this occasion, your 17th WDC Anniversary!

         Your poem {item:1640936) Is beautiful. While I am not a fan of poetr that has an inconsisent line count, this one was easy to overlook that small personal pet-peeve.

         Too many times we leave in anger only to regret our decision later. You handled this small issue well in your poem. The cabbie was wise beyond his years. I do think your main character had a lopsided vide of life in general. This was evidenced by many lines & verses. The one that stood out

"I came home... no dinner ready.
Tells me there's leftover spaghetti.
Said the kids been driving her crazy.
I told her, she's being lazy.


         Yeah, he had lofty expectations. It seems he believed in life the way it was in the 50's and early 60's. Like I said, the cabbie was wise beyond his years. A wonderful poem that I found to be full of love and wisdom.

         Thank you for sharing!


Sum1

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16
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Review by Sum1's In D... Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: E | (4.0)
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Hey Martha,
         I saw your suitcase on the Anniversary Review page and thought I'd drop in to honor this occasion, your 16th WDC Anniversary!

         Your story is pretty cute, the idea of large cats interactting with humans is good, even if it was 'just a game' and not reality. The segue from being in the present fighting the battle, to learning it was really a game was nice. A little abrupt, but nice.

         I have a couple of minor suggestions for you about it though.

1. Use WritingML to enlarge the font a little. I use a font size of 4 as a minimum, which I use here. Maybe even 4.. Some of our members (myself included) are a bit older and have trouble reading small fonts like this

2. I think Photon Torpedoes are ancient technology in today's world. In fact they might have been ancient when you wrote this. I know it's a Trekkie thing, but can you think of something that would be amazing? What I mean is, something like a.... uhhhh,, Oh I don't know, it's your story. Seriously though, I'd change the Photon Torpedoes to something else. Something fictional, a word you make up/create!

         An interesting short story, thank you for sharing.



Sum1

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17
17
Review by Sum1's In D... Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: E | (3.0)
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Hey Detective,
         I saw your suitcase on the Anniversary Review page and thought I'd drop in to honor this occasion, your 11th WDC Anniversary!

         You've written a very interesting story here, one I find intriguing. The flow was good, though it contains many minor errors. The biggest thing I found odd, is that it doesn't have a true ending. What I mean is, every story has a beginning, in the middle of the storyt, the plot builds, and an end. Your ending has a lot of loose ends if you ask me. I mentioned 'many minor errors' at the beginning of this paragraph. You should re-read this and see what you think. At least 2-3 of your sentences didn't make sense to me, this is a wording issue more than anything else.

         Other issues I noticed were just the use of plain English. In one paragraph you italize Harvey's thoughts. Excellent! But in several other places, you don't. Be consistent, his thoughts should be italicized with single quotation marks emphasizing he's thinking. Look at your wording, not a complete sentence, but wording in general. Here's an example for you. In at least one place I noticed the word 'then', when it should have been 'than'

         I would love to give this a higher rating simply because I really enjoyed the story. I can't though, not with it containing the errors (and more). I chose not to pick this apart, it would have taken a pretty long time to do that. Thank you for sharing this! I did enjoy it.


Sum1

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18
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Review by Sum1's In D... Author IconMail Icon
Rated: ASR | (3.5)
This is not really a review, but I must comment. You should review this carefully because of the 10 items you link here, 6 are Invalid.
19
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Review of Canary  Open in new Window.
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Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
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Hey Mad Doctor,
         I saw your suitcase on the Anniversary Review page and thought I'd drop in to honor this occasion, your 23rd WDC Anniversary!

         Y'know, I love about anything The Beatles released, but I'll confess to not being familiar with all their songs. Norwegian Wood is one of those. I read the lyrics and knew you had done an excellent job in using those lyrics as the basis for this short story.

         The story is a bit strange, then again, the lyrics of the song are the same, strange. I read the background of the song and know it's probably about an extra-marital affair John Lennon briefly had, though the woman's true identity is unknown. In your story, I waited for the woman to do something to your main character. I'm not sure if I expected her to attempt to murder him of what, but I waited, to no avail. That's fine really, being unfamiliar with the song I didn't know what to expect.

         I do have a couple of comments about the story for you though

1. I don't understand why WATCHED is all caps.

2. She took out the wine form the cupboard. Form should be from

3. Your two characters need names!


         An interesting story that needs a little more in it, in my opinion. Right now, it doesn't grab the reader like it could.

Sum1

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20
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Review of Dragon Boy  Open in new Window.
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Rated: E | (4.5)
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Hey Prodigal Son,
         I saw your suitcase on the Anniversary Review page and thought I'd drop in to honor this occasion, your 10th WDC Anniversary!

         This is a nice story you've written here. I even enjoyed reading the repeated blurbs like 'Very!' I think it tells the reader a lot about you (in their mind). Since you've listed Children's as one of the genre's, it fits well.

         The flow of the story is excellent. I loved the way it moved from Tim and Will exploring, to the absence of Margo, and Tim's discovery of Katie. I will say that when you wrapped up the story, it flowed a bit fast. Being a children's story, you don't need to explain why it was so important that Timtu and Katie had to leave so quickly, but a short explanation would have helped, and might help the inquiring mind of a young reader.

         I do feel that the school 'scenes' should be connected, but being a children's story, I'm not sure how you would edit this to achieve that. Also, I don't think it's absolutely necessary, being a children's story. But (there's always that 'but' huh), I do have at least one comment for you.

1. In the first paragraph, you name Tim's teacher Miss Naru. Later in the story, you wrote this. "So, Tim," his teacher asked, whose first name was Nela, “what are you creating for your big science project?” I think you'd be better off just calling her Miss Naru throughout the story. Why? Children (at least when I was in school so long ago) never called a teacher by their first name.

         A very interesting story that should be read by quite a few people. I would love to learn what a young reader says about it. Thank you for sharing!


Sum1

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21
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Review by Sum1's In D... Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: E | N/A (Review only item.)
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Hey Carol,
         I saw your suitcase on the Anniversary Review page and thought I'd drop in to honor this occasion, your 18th WDC Anniversary!

         I really enjoyed this story. I especially liked how you weaved a historic incident in this. Your characters were very believable, but I found myself wondering where Cora Mae's birthday present went. Of course with the earthquake occurring that day, the present became secondary. In a way, you could say, "What a birthday present for Cora Mae, an earthquake and destruction of a city that hasn't been matched in over a hundred years!

         It makes wonder though, why Cora Mae naturally helped everyone she met. Was she a nurse, or just a 'natural'. Either way, you did a nice job describing her helping everyone. And finding/seeing Jess at the end was perfect.

         On a side note here, I do wonder why I don't visit your port more often. I also wonder why you don't have a book of short stories published, or if you do, why I don't know about and haven't bought it. You have a nice talent in writing short stories. Questions, questions, questions.

         An excellent story that should get more exposure. Thank you for sharing!


Sum1

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22
22
Review by Sum1's In D... Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: E | (4.0)
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Hey Christina,
         I saw your suitcase on the Anniversary Review page and thought I'd drop in to honor this occasion, your 14th WDC Anniversary!

         You've written a beautiful poem here, one that almost seems to beg forgiveness for not loving someone anymore. My personal opinion is that there's no need to beg. Neither of you control your love, you know that. Despite this being a beautiful poem, I have a couple of comments for you on it.

1. I think centering this on the page would make it stand out more. Along with that, add the title in bold font at the top of the page.

2. You use the words so so in two lines of the first verse. Your poem syllable count is not consistent (which I really like), so I'm not sure what having the extra 'so' in the lines is for, or why it might be needed. Personal opinion? I'd delete one of them.

3. In the last verse you use the words more, and more in the second line. If I may offer a small suggestion here. I'd change the second line in the last verse to read When you gave so much more,

4. In reading it aloud, I feel a comma is needed in the last line, after love. That gives the line a nice pause and emphasizes the word anymore. A nice, forceful (yet gentle) ending to the poem.

         I have other comments, they are not worth writing here because all of them are personal feelings about how I would write this. But you wrote it, not me, so I'll keep my opinions to myself. Thank you for sharing!


Sum1

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23
23
Review by Sum1's In D... Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: E | (3.5)
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Hey indianrediff Author IconMail Icon
         I saw your suitcase on the Anniversary Review page and thought I'd drop in to honor this occasion, your 15th WDC Anniversary!

         I enjoyed reading your ghost story (of sorts), but it is lacking in some areas. If I may, I will list a few things here, I have no wish to tear it apart, so I won't. But I will list major things you might want to look at, should you decide to edit this.

1. It needs dialog! Without dialog, there is a lot of show-n-tell here. I realize that this happened long ago and you don't remember everything someone said. So, make up the dialog! You don't list Non-Fiction as one of your genres, so adding dialog that is close what was actually said will be fine. Besides, you have your friends you can talk to about this to see what or how much they remember.

2. The formatting of this makes your story look more like a poem or prose. Remove the 'hard returns' you have in it so it looks and reads like a story, Here's an example on the next line,

I have had only one so-callled experience. And it happened so long ago and the circumstances are so obviously set for such an event, that I am sure it was my then-fertile imagination playing with my mimd. (called, and mind are misspelled)

3. You have an empty space between your lines as well, formatting it to look like a story can help you removed those. Keep the extra line between paragraphs though. It looks better when reading it.

4. Your time line needs some work, and a little research. There's one line where you tell us "this was before the Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy was written". Your time line is unclear here, a little before this you said this happened in the late 80's (the books being lost). The next paragraph you move to growing up with your father, and that's where the Hitchhikers Guide To The Galaxy is mentioned. Just so you know, that book was written in 1979. You can see the confusion this creates in the reader's mind.


         All in all, this is a good memory of your father. If you want it to shine though, it needs a bit of editing TLC. Thank you for sharing!



Sum1

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24
24
Review by Sum1's In D... Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: E | (4.5)
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Hey Tommy,
         I saw your suitcase on the Anniversary Review page and thought I'd drop in to honor this occasion, your 14th WDC Anniversary!

         Y'know, this is a very interesting poem, I love it! Your rhyme & rhythm in this is great, the flow jus sort of 'hums along' like a well tuned engine. The only problem is, if this is about nothing, then the page should be blank. *Laugh*


         Seriously, this is very good, I can see that you were very good at writing lyrics for a local hair band. I will say one thing here though, and it's not about the poem. Provide us with a Biography, something a little more than your description of yourself on your main page. A different (or maybe the same) photo too).

         About the poem. My only comment would be to add a line between the title and the first line. Other than that, I wouldn't change a thing! Thank you for sharing.



Sum1

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25
25
Review by Sum1's In D... Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
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Hey Two Of Four,
         I saw your suitcase on the Anniversary Review page and thought I'd drop in to honor this occasion, your 22nd WDC Anniversary!

         Wow! I love your twist at the end! Man oh man, you got me there. I couldn't understand what was going on with the crows, why they were trying to break down the glass door. The the twist came about and hit me up side the head. I loved it!

         I can appreciate Ken's distaste for birds. While I don't feel the same, I do about other animals, and understand what he was going through. The only thing is, I might have left via the front door and not come back for a few hours. Of course that wouldn't have made for a very good story, huh!

         An excellent story, like I said I loved it. Thank you for sharing!



Sum1

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