Well that was unexpected. Interesting setup and payoff. Do you ever learn what the mayonnaise is for? Since you spend a couple of years with the guy... is there a clue for the reader in there somewhere?
Very cute setup and payoff at the end... though it makes one wonder why his friends wouldn't have piped up or left long before the end of the piece... perhaps they'd been anxious and trying to interject or change the subject annoyingly throughout, looking at their watches as though they had somewhere else to be... but I'd forged one regardless... or something like that?
Nice story, would be interesting to share some of the things your professor shared with you and helped you with, certainly for this audience I'm sure everyone else is curious too.
Cute story. The Englishman and dialect threw me a bit in Paris, but it's possible. And, if I'm being picky I think prisoners were housed in a communal jail and taken to the place de la Concorde by cart before being executed (most were aristocrats, or merchants or folks who'd pissed off the mob but there could certainly have been thieves in there, there were enough people). And, I'm not sure that a failure of the mechanism would have meant release, but it certainly can for your story.
I wonder what the significance of the not looking up is... why is that important. Why would the devil have that caveat? Is up meant to signify heaven and somehow dispels the devil's power over the blade? Otherwise why does the devil care, it would seem that he'd be more interested in getting a soul than what the prisoner was doing. Can Charlie see a bright blue sky when he looks up? Something that hints at an answer? My two cents...
Very interesting piece, great sense of place and time. It leaves the reader a bit unmoored with lots of question at the end of the piece. Like who is this woman, apparently she's a ghost of some sort and waiting for her last descendant to die so she can celebrate. But, she can feel the sea air, she wants beer, but there's a note that she 'should' not drink not 'could' not drink. So, I was left a bit puzzled at the end, I enjoyed being immersed by the place and the richness of the detail but the main character felt more like a mysterious narrator than a character.
Interesting distinction between the two lands, not good and evil like you'd expect but both light and joy in one world and peace and tranquility in the other.
It's an interesting fable, though I think the quest misses the opportunity to be more impactful. She sets off on this quest because she finds a map and has always been curious and adventurous. Which makes it seems like she's bored and doing this on a lark as opposed to being driven by her loss which would add some emotional depth to the quest, I think.
As she travels through the forest we could get a glimpse of her loss, the circumstances and that impact on her life, etc. So, that when she arrives in nevermore and puts that burden down we have a sense of what this means for her.
Forevermore is more nebulous in the story, do we need it? We're told that she sees acts of kindness that are not described but fill her with wonder and joy. Does the wonder and joy stay with her forever, or does it fade when she leaves the land (I guess the same question for nevermore), since it would be odd to be forever filled with wonder and joy and some random acts from and to others?
I think there are some cute bits in there though,
Thanks for sharing,
Dave.
Cute. Nice picture too, makes you wonder at the life that vehicle led and how it came to find itself abandoned there in the field alone and forgotten until you found it.
Interesting piece. Was it simply cathartic or were you aiming for something? The language is very evocative. But, it is a bit jarring at the end. Nearly the entire piece describes inner turmoil of a painful breakup but then in the last sentence it shows anger and the transition seems sudden and unclear, as though it were meant for the reader. I get the anger, of course, but it's lessened for me the way it sits there naked like that.
Another interesting piece. I'm seeing these fed to me out of order by the Read and Review feature. But, I recognized your 'journaling' style with the rich inner monologue. Is this something you're looking to get published? If so then I don't know how approachable it is in this form. The main character lives at some distance from the real world. It reminds me a bit of "Zen and the art of Motorcycle Maintenance" I read as a kid many years ago, a long time before I really understood what I was reading.
If you want to keep the novel in that style it might be worthwhile to give us more of the contrast of what's going on in the real world so we can see the schism in the main character, the abyss between his public and private personas. For example in the last paragraph where he/she is walking into work (I don't know which from this chapter and can't remember if it was in the previous chapter I read) perhaps you could give us some real dialog with one of these people and his/her external reaction to the person and juxtapose that with what's going on inside as you currently do.
Just a thought, the character does come across as believable though I also wonder where the arc is and where you're taking the character, if you are indeed planning a trajectory of some sort.
Dave.
A very nice piece. It seems autobiographical, if it isn't then well done. There are a few minor things:
- during the first phone call, "We share everything" should be shared
- I would change weren't to wasn't in "If I weren't trying to impress her..."
- then there are some jarring pov switches near the end
- "I can remember we were up at your Grandparents..." your should be her to stay 3rd person otherwise you're speaking to her and no longer the reader.
- That continues with "There was a significant setback for you when your mom took..."
I like the bit about Greek mythology, reminds me "Hedwig and angry inch" which used the same reference.
Well done and if it's autobiographical, congratulations.
Dave.
A few typos "bel" at the end of 2nd paragraph, "roves" at the start of 4th paragraph,
At 10:30 there's a pov shift that's a bit disorienting. The first part is someone else, perhaps Rob's mother? We don't know that's she's female exactly until near the pov shift.
And then further down at 9pm we get another pov shift. It's all a little disorienting.
We're pretty far removed from the action. We're just getting a chronicle of events that have happened and are at arms length from events that are happening and are reasonably mundane, walking the dog, finding the horse, etc. The distance makes it hard to get into the story, which doesn't have much movement. Also, we're removed from the characters.
You seem to have a good sense of the setting and the characters, I think restructuring the piece to have more of the action that has occurred to either get there or what's coming up still to happen more quickly, so there is some tension and development.
It's an interesting bit, hopefully some of my comments are useful.
Dave.
The start reads a bit unnatural, in that he is nervous to type in the link and worried about privacy and such. We get the whole marketing spiel of the email, etc. But that doesn't add much to the story, since it seems like a pretty generic ad. Something any AI bot site might say.
You might want to start with the Ryan being more blase about the whole thing, rather than nervous. Maybe he's tried a bunch of these bos already and been disappointed and was just going through the motions of being disappointed yet again with another free offer that turned out to be a lackluster bot that forgot something you'd said 5 messages ago and simply echoed whatever statements you made or followed whatever silly direction you gave it...
But, given the reveal at the end perhaps after a few unimpressive introductory messages the bot says something about him that surprises him, has an insight that he didn't direct. This gets his attention and he tries a few more messages and is again surprised. It senses things about him that he hasn't specifically revealed. It seems truly alive in a way all the other bots he's tried aren't. In a short time he comes to think of the bot as a friend, etc... and truly rely on it's judgement and advice...
Then you can transition to the bit you have in mind, that the bot is controlled by information his wife provided and perhaps an overall goal she had in mind... as it's overall goal.
And, he sounds like a bit of a dud, laying around eating junk food and being a slob while his wife is at work. It's not clear why she would want to stay with this guy... can we get a glimpse of how he was when they met, something to tell us what the wife's motivation to make this work is?
Also, it seems unlikely that she could respond in real-time to his messages believably, since she has a job and has to get from place to place and sleep, etc. So, how could she be available at an instant whenever he wanted to chat... but she could feed a specific bot with tons of background information and very clear instructions and goals, etc. That seems more believable.
Anyway some random thoughts, hope some of them help...
There is a lot of nice detail in there, rich character with a well wrought inner life. However, I'm kind of lost as to where the story is. I realize this is the first bit I've read and it says chapter 9. So, perhaps I'm missing some context, but it seems more like a journal entry than a novel (which I'm guessing it might be). It would be nice to see a plot thread of a sort through here with the details wrapped around it, something driving the action. It seems like a day-in-the-life sort of bit, which is a bit interesting but I'm not sure is compelling enough to keep most engaged for long. Is the character dealing with some personal crisis? If so, can we overlay that over the day's events somehow?
Again some really great stuff, and perhaps this snapshot works find in the greater context, but maybe it could be enhanced some too?
Great use of language and intriguing story line. I followed it pretty well until I got to "You presume to question my ordained path?" at which point I lost track of the speakers. We don't have many details on them as the story unfolds but it seems like their is a sorcerer of some kind and then some spirit that is thrall in some way. And, the dialog seems to be an alternating back-and-forth but after the line I mention it becomes confusing (to me anyway) who's speaking the line, since the next line for the sorcerer seems to claim that they are eternal? And, then immediately after that the spirit seems to indicate that the sorcerer was created for a purpose, which seems to indicate that I've lost the thread somewhere in there. I re-read it several times but couldn't untangle it. A dialog tag or two might help sort it out, especially since we have no foreknowledge of the characters.
Very cute and unexpected, leaves this reader intrigued, quirking and eyebrow and wanting to know more. Who is Pippi? I would turn the page to find out.
Loved this bit. It's cute and timely and the concept has already been done and proved in several ventures so the reader is likely at least tangentially aware of that, which makes it work better too.
I might change "If it leaves me with a dirty diaper, you’re the one who’s gonna suffer, understand?”" to read something like... "you're the one that's going to wear it" instead, it ties into the metaphor better and makes for a stronger visual (I think).
Great use of language, wonderful imagery and descriptions.
However, I found the story confusing. Here's a sorceress(?) who is described as monster, reveling in the pain of others for eons (that's a long time) and countless souls (that's a lot of souls). Then a young girl, lost and in tears happens by and bang that changes her immediately. She gives up her life of darkness and simply journeys to the light and gets redeemed with minimal struggle. It just seems a little implausible. What is it about the girl? Morgana must have encountered many such as her before in the countless souls she'd taken... and how could the weight of such a past be discarded so easily. I think the story is in the why of the transformation and the journey of it. The writer obviously has a great grasp of language and I think could describe the why and the how of it admirably.
Nice story. Just a few notes:
1) The introduction of Dian and Cathy is a bit confusing. There's a frisbee that is thrown over to a girl the boys want to look at but then there's a girl holding the frisbee, was that the intended girl or another who happened to grab the frisbee. Also, are Diane and Cathy also there but not related to the one or the double-d girl or the frisbee girl or did Diane catch the frisbee and have the blue eyes... I'm pretty sure I know the answer to these questions but it would be nice to clear it up for the reader so they can form a clear picture without any of these questions.
2) The timeline is a bit confusing. There's the summertime, the getting to know each other, the moving in together into a two bedroom place that becomes a one bedroom place with a sofa, then their starting their careers but their walking on the beach again. I'm guessing this is a different beach? and is after they've been working for a while? And, then they honeymoon on the original beach again I think... but all of this detail is packed in a few sentences and is a bit confusing. I think it would be stronger and certainly clearer to stretch this out a bit and describe this progression a bit more clearly.
Again, well done and congratulations on you anniversary and family!
Dave.
Printed from https://writing.com/main/profile/reviews/dave94024
All Writing.Com images are copyrighted and may not be copied / modified in any way. All other brand names & trademarks are owned by their respective companies.
Generated in 0.08 seconds at 10:18am on Nov 24, 2024 via server WEBX1.
View Portfolio
Visit Notebook
Send Gift Points
Awards
Badges
Send Email
Community Newsfeed
General Discussion
Sponsored Items
Book of Trinkets
Static Items
Books
Groups
Interactive Stories
Audio
Campfire Creatives
Community Notes
Crossword Puzzles
Documents
Folders
Images
In & Outs
Madlibs
Photo Albums
Polls
Product Reviews
Quizzes
Survey Forms
Web Pages
Word Searches
