This is the first review I do on this site so I have no idea what you're looking for or what might be helpful. So feel free to ignore anything that is unhelpful and take whatever bits are of use. First, I'll give you my impression of this part of the novel as I read it.
A little disorienting at first, we're not entirely sure where we are or what's going on, which is okay for a bit but if it goes on too long you can lose the reader. Some tense issues in that section as well, which makes it a bit more confusing.
"No, untouched, like shadows they slip through my hand. And penetrate my heart!" Should that be slipped and penetrated?
I really liked the following: "As disappointment slowly spoiled to disgust, my face contorted in rage. I thought of the word, Begone! but could only mutter, "Must it always be me?"
This bit below is a mouthful... and it perhaps superfluous unless these are important aspects of the novel, in which case it would be good to bring each in separately and give us a little more of each as you do (love the bit about the "little girl-you know").
He seemed pleased with himself as I looked out at the forest under the twin moons–pale Luna, and copper Nasa. The woods, ruled by witch wolves and pig-faced vikings, offered no post for a bladesman whose dread-fever-stunted muscles struggled to whip her arming sword into striking space. "I'm a little girl–you know that. Supposed to be."
... officer nightbird managed to look down his beal at me... (beak)
You start to lose me at the menagerie of squirrels that come next... there are individuals and groups of them in addition to the bird and Aunt Myrrha. As a reader I start to wonder if I have to keep track of all these characters and which ones are important and to what extent. I still don't have a clear picture of who the main character is or why I should keep reading at this point.
And, now there's a family and a mystery there that's only hinted at. Somehow they are prisoners somewhere else at the mercy of enemies while the protagonist is sleeping and then chatting with birds and squirrels.
Now there's Mack who's a swordsman like her Aunt Myrrha? But, they are there but not there, since we don't see them. And, the main character is trying to leave the mysterious building and then there's an owl and then an old man wolf and then a bridge and a lamb... argh.
That's likely more than I would have read in real life. Some overall thoughts:
- The use of language is really nice, there's some nice imagery, cute turns of phrase and insights.
- The main character is too nebulous at the beginning for me. In order to hook me into the story I'd like to know more about who the main character is and what their situation is, what is the goal that drives the narrative here.
- I think it's okay to have a host of characters but I'd prefer it if you stuck with one of them at first until the story gets rolling and then bring in the others, or mention that there are bunch of other critters around in passing so the reader doesn't have to wonder if they need to remember them and focus on one or two of the critters, whichever are more important.
- Same with the other humans. If the driver is saving her family, then we need to understand the danger more, than a passing comment which ends up making her sound selfish and callous (betraying her family by heading off on an adventure).
- The whole sequence feels a bit like a fever-dream to me, a sequence with swirling imagery and no clear point of focus or direction as though we're stumbling around in a interesting world with perhaps interesting characters but a little too aimlessly. Maybe a strong interaction with the bird? Does it speak can we get some dialog?
- Certainly the writer has a gift for language and an interesting world, and perhaps it evens out and starts to make more sense beyond where I stopped reading, but I would worry that other readers might stop as well.
My two cents, I hope some of it helps.
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