I liked how you used specific words so that your imagery was very vivid.
What didn't work for me is that the relationship seemed to be all physical, no emotions at all. Even in the morning when Charlie woke up, his first thought was about himself. He even described Vicky with a sexist term, not an endearing one. Could the relationship work out? T
Your dialogues were flowing, nothing forced. Omitting the "he said, she said" in the middle quickened the pace.
This reminds me of Psalm 22, which starts, "My God, my God, why have You forsaken me?" It was a cry of anguish and despair, yet, in the end, the psalmist ended with praising God. Perhaps, he has seen his salvation. Perhaps, someone had helped him later on. In the case of Jesus, He knew that the end will not be death but glory.
Do your words really fall on deaf ears? I believe that God works through other people. He tells them what to do, not in the way God speaks to Moses or to the other prophets, but through conversations of ordinary people and circumstances from ordinary events.
So, my question is, "Do the words of God fall on deaf ears?" He may already be replying to your prayers, but do the people He asked to help you listening and obeying Him? Whose ears, then, are deaf?
I can feel your anguish, although there are moments of hope. Still, in the end, it seemed that despair came out the victor. I hope, like the psalmist, you can later say "I will declare your name to my people; in the assembly I will praise you." (Ps 22:22)
I liked the humor in the piece, although some might think that this is being insensitive, that your husband might already have been dead. However, since you are already telling this story in a humorous way means that nothing bad happened to him.
I wonder why you didn't call him on his mobile phone? I expected that you'll get your phone from the box. That scene was funny.
Perhaps, the story about you being locked out can be placed in another piece of work. Having these two different and humorous stories tend to reduce their impact. I hope you will develop the second one and post it.
Your use of italics clearly differentiated the reality from the imagined.
Thank you for sharing. Keep up the good work. Keep on writing.
I like the way you started your piece in a poetic way. You have used metaphors to show how difficult it is to start a new day. However, sometimes I find reading these kinds of works difficult. For this particular piece, even if it is just a few hundred words, I have to repeat reading the sentences in order to get their gist.
I also liked that you contrasted two different events: the ordinary activity of waking up and the grand solar flare. Compared to the sun, a human being may really seem to be puny. But I would like that even with this reality, we, humans, are still significant in this world, or else your work will be dark and depressing.
You have a good sense of irony. Keep up the good work and keep writing.
I love haikus. Those simple 5-7-5 lines can provide so much emotions, I marvel at poets who can write these poems. With few words, haikus can tell a great deal of stories. And this particular haiku is no different from the ones I enjoyed.
The first two lines uses peaceful words, such as "Dove", "gently", "silent", and "drifting". These words lull me into a kind of relaxed state, as if I am in a middle of a garden, hearing the song of birds and the gush of a waterfall.
Then comes the last line which mentions of “broken hearts”. I was jarred by this line, sad emotions coming back to me. I remember past hurts, rejections, and unrequited love, happening so many decades ago but their memories still give me pains.
However, instead of getting down, I feel hope welling up in me. Now, I don't have to face the sadness, for the Dove, or the Holy Spirit, has come to me. I can see the Spirit going through each crevice in my heart, and filling them up so that now, instead of having a heart full of cracks, I have a heart that is solidly whole. I am consoled, for I am reminded of God's promise that He will never leave me. With this knowledge, I felt more at peace than when I imagined myself in the middle of the garden at the start of the poem.
I thank you, Angel, for this uplifting poem. Using only seven words, the poem has stirred in me so many emotions, the last one being at peace.
Printed from https://writing.com/main/profile/reviews/balty
All Writing.Com images are copyrighted and may not be copied / modified in any way. All other brand names & trademarks are owned by their respective companies.
Generated in 0.07 seconds at 10:30am on Nov 05, 2024 via server WEBX1.
View Portfolio
Visit Notebook
Send Gift Points
Awards
Badges
Send Email
Community Newsfeed
General Discussion
Sponsored Items
Book of Trinkets
Static Items
Books
Groups
Interactive Stories
Audio
Campfire Creatives
Community Notes
Crossword Puzzles
Documents
Folders
Images
In & Outs
Madlibs
Photo Albums
Polls
Product Reviews
Quizzes
Survey Forms
Web Pages
Word Searches
My review has been submitted for consideration in "