I saw your plug on the Plug Page and decided to read it. Your title and title descriptions already say a lot on the content of this piece. The descriptive quality of the first stanza in strong and enjoyable. The second stanza gives a better idea of the power of the sky and clouds, with impressive examples.
I just thought that, at the end of the first stanza, the last line was somewhat weaker, because at this point, it could have been more effective to give specific examples of those shapes and creatures, instead of simply saying: "Reminding us so of many fantastic creatures and things".
The fourth lines at the end of the poem are very nice, like a summary of the emotions felt while contemplating.
Congratulations on being a Rising Star! I love the warm, familiar feeling that I get from reading your senryu.
It's like a special poetic blend of coffee and affection. I don't have any suggestion for this piece. For me, this has been a nice introduction to your portfolio.
I have just read this interesting poem found in the Poetry Newsletter.
I like the exploration that goes deeper than the surface and I can relate to the ideas expressed
in this piece. Constructions, the work of a lifetime, the energy put in things
that may sometimes feel vain. Perfection... elusive, hard to define, a burden...
This has provoked many thoughts, although the second half I found more wordy and
with a number of repetitions (the word time) that could give strength to some extent,
but in the end make the poem a little "heavier". This is a personal impression,
but as I said, I appreciate the writing and subject.
Isaw your request in the poetry newsletter and I came to read.
I like the inherent simplicity of your lines. They suggest, give an impression of a different world that hides within the writer.
The strongest words, according to me, are "my mental exile", because they express something more particular and specific
than sleeping, waking, or even fake smiles. You have an idea and a structure that could become more precise in painting
something more unique for the reader's mind. This is my opinion, but form general, you have to go for the right detail that makes
the feeling more expressive.
A very disappointing experience, especially for that price.
This was fun to read, and I was looking for something lighter
and more entertaining that what I usually read.
I don't know if there was a specific number of words required,
but I thought that there could have been a few more descriptions,
so that the reader can really imagine the type of food they're being served.
Nice ending, with all the surprise in the closing line.
Interesting poetic vision, with a moving, changing structure that fits the subject.
At first, I was a little surprised to find a poem that rhymes, then I was drawn to the writing
and enjoyed the deconstruction.
I can relate to the style of writing, the use of brackets, the connection between the title
and the poem... among other things.
There is an anonymous quote that you may be familiar with:
"There are but two lasting bequests we can give our children. One is roots, the other, wings."
This quote made me think of all that I was given and all that was missing in my childhood.
It's also the title of a poem that you can find in my port.
Your poem is lovely and written with feeling. I like the love that can be felt for a child that you don't have
and those two words in the end "be free".
I also think that it is a little too abstract and there is a missing connection with the physicality of the world.
This is important in giving the reader a stronger link with the senses and experience,
especially in a poem that speaks to a child, whose experience is made of concrete details,
colors, sounds, tastes that can also be used to make all those concepts come alive.
Just a suggestion.
The short line breaks are a little surprising, I wonder if it wouldn't be better for the poem's inner rhythm
to have longer lines.
An expressive piece of writing, that is also enjoyable to read.
I think that of course everyone knows what you are talking about;
and a line like "some will criticize the best decision" is simply... a fact.
I am not sure I like those lines with a reversed subject/verb,
such as "wherein will relief i find?" as I think that a more natural
word order is more effective at least in this kind of poetry...
but that's just an opinion.
I can also see that you posted an older item, which shows the way you wrote
many years ago. Thanks for sharing.
I quite like the idea of these WDC commercials... I think that there is only one in your port.
I don't know how this one works compared to the story, so I'll have to check this later.
But I can find the typical elements that are supposed to trigger the reader's interest.
I wonder what else could be used to make them stand out... fonts, layout... something that says
"this is not the usual static item"...
At first I wasn't so convinced by your poem because of the "typical" context of revenge.
A woman was killed and she comes back to haunt her lover/killer.
But finally, I think that this is a good writing exercise and it has allowed you to imagine
and portray such emotions. The best stanza is probably the last one,
the way the knife (and the hand that holds it) will turn the perpetrator into the victim.
What I would suggest is to avoid cliches such as "wretched lies"
"the blood you spilled", "my shining prince". I know this isn't easy, but it's the only way
to give new life to an old theme. These are just my opinions, so I hope that you don't mind me
sharing them.
An inspirational and personal piece of writing. This sounds like an experience and a reflection that sometimes feels too personal to be shared.
The slow rhythm and hypnotic quality of the writing, however, make it pleasurable to read.
One thing that I would advise you to do is to space it up a little.
A different layout on the page would make it easier to read. To begin a new paragraph, for instance, at
" It has been a few hours and finally Ben asks his real question:" would be a good idea.
Interesting use of the tree image at the end. Well done.
What a striking poem, finely composed.
I read it a few times and each time I felt closer to understanding it,
and yet I also felt that I could interpret it in a different way.
But the imagery that speaks to the senses , before any kind of intellectual speculation,
worked right from the beginning.
Interesting action that symbolizes so many repressed emotions.
I like what you say here as well as what is left unsaid.
I don't know what thos .... lines stand for exactly,
silence? thoughts? pause?
Also, I like the last line, good conclusion.
Your item is one of the statics that appear at the end of one of my poems as "related items", so, I thought I'd have a look.
Your story is interesting and I quite like the natural feel of your descriptions and dialogs. Maybe some parts could be shortened
a little, in order to avoid getting lost with too many details, but that's probably something that you can do later, once you have written
a whole chapter.
The way you introduce the idea that there is something wrong with your character as the past seems to interfere with the present is
good, I think that it is quite progressive and the reader's curiosity begins to grow.
I think that it would be a good idea to pay attention to your tenses as some present tense verbs appear in past tense sentences in a
way that is distracting.
I hope you continue writing, it is worth the effort.
You did a wonderful job: your description is captivating.
I think that you chose just the right distance to describe your character
with empathy and just the most endearing details about her.
Thank you for entering the Rising Stars Shining Brighter contest.
This is a sweet narrative poem. The funny story is told with verve
and technical skills. I like the end, sounds familiar, especially
this time of year.
Thank you for entering Rising Stars Shining Brighter contest.
This is an interesting piece that has a mesmeric charm.
The imagery is incredibly rich and highly symbolic.
I re-read the second stanza, but I'm not sure I understand it...
Just as I Don't know the meaning of "Ogape" at the end of your poem.
Interesting, but somewhat obscure...
Thank you for entering Rising Stars Shining Brighter contest.
This is a very good essay and you made your point clear.
I agree with the ideas you expressed, but you successfully
showed them from a different angle then mine.
The quotes that you used are also very appropriate.
A typo in "Here are some significant quotes to ponder" written in one word.
In the quote, there is also the word "capitalism" with a typo.
Thank you for entering Rising Stars Shining Brighter contest.
This is a very entertaining narrative piece, a story that one ca read just for fun,
but that also shows the cycle of violence and revenge. I admit that I was expecting
to learn more about what exactly happened to the three men. Maybe that there could be
a clearer impression of time between the first crime and the moment the criminals
"pay" for their crime.
Thank you for entering Rising Stars Shining Brighter contest.
This is lovely with its inherent simplicity, with a list of things, followed by the effective imagery
of "rotting pieces of a ginger heart".
One thing that I would advise you is to let your poem flow without using too many periods. But I also happen to think that punctuation is as free as language in free form. The author chooses to use it or not to use it. And can also decide to break some rules if this makes sense and adds additional meaning to the piece itself.
Whatever crosses my mind...
When I read your poem, I enjoyed the soft rhythm,
but I was a little disappointed by the first two stanzas.
The content is lovely, but expressions such as "the murmur of water"
and "caressing the sand" failed to catch my attention.
The two longer stanzas at the end depict a more vivid painting
and show a wider palette... of words.
I have decided to come back and read more from your port.
I love the subject here and your thoughts about it...
This is why I like the truth in:
"Screams of people crying in pain
For loss of things that I have gained".
I also think that if some have less it is because
some have much more than they need. Greed and selfishness ruin the world.
What could be improved, in my opinion, is the rhythm in this poem.
Because you decided to use rhymes and a certain kind of rhythm
throughout the poem, some longer lines break the energy when reading out loud.
Also, I think that the ideas that you express could be expressed in fewer lines
Your imagery and reflections are effective, but by saying too much, you may be losing
the striking clarity that makes a lasting effect on the reader.
These are simply my opinions and I hope that they are helpful.
Keep posting!
This is a passionate piece of writing and it is also a way to share your understanding of purpose and faith.
You said a lot in a few lines, although maybe the poem could be longer and make us understand what you explain in your note...
Thank you for entering Rising Stars Shining Brighter contest.
Axilea
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A very disappointing experience, especially for that price.