You are right, this is a strange story, with realistic details about a marriage mixing with symbolic and somewhat surrealistic descriptions.
I quite like the idea and your writing skills allow you to be daring in the choices you make.
Some very good lines:
"She hated being the only one in her bridge club whose children hadn’t moved back into their old rooms. Failing grades, vandalism, manslaughter. If there’s anything she’d learned from her bridge club, it was that these were her children’s tickets home."
This is a hyperbole of the way many mothers can't accept that their children have become independent.
"Maggie, her hunger sated, quickly made her way to the living room to feed her curiosity"
Excellent imagery and transition.
I think that the last sentence "Maggie indecision was over." should be "Maggie's".
-> The only part that I really find too long - the metaphor itself being good, but overexploited - is the whole paragraph on clams. I think that it would be much more effective if it were shorter.
I picked out this item from your port because the title attracted me... Dictatorship is a word that we might have to use more often in the future. Am I being too pessimistic?
What I can say about this poem is that I like the engagement and feel the energy that you put in it. And it works... at least it does for me.
Anyway, the message is clear and it's probably the first thing that counts in this kind of writing.
You asked for an honest review to improve what you feel as "ordinary" in your poem.
I have read your poem once and then once again from that particular viewpoint.
The first change I would make is the use of the word "thing". It is far too common and far too vague.
Your poem is short and it needs to concentrate all the meaning in those few words you used. And in such a small poem, you used the word "thing" three times.
Another problem I noticed is the first stanza. Considering its meaning, I find there's a contradiction:
"Waves of loss
Waves of hurt
Waves of things
That can never be"
To link "loss" and "hurt" with what "can never be" is a little confusing.
I think you might be writing about what can no longer be.
In this case, "things" would refer to "regrets".
The second stanza:
"A ship of dreams
A ship of hopes
A ship of things
That could once have been"
I would say that "hopes" and "dreams" refer to "what could have been" and I don't see what explains the necessity of "once". Or maybe use "that could have come true".
And the link between "dreams" and "hopes" would be "expectations", again, to replace "things".
"A sea of waste
A sea of time
A sea of things
That will never return"
Here, "time" seems the perfect word to replace "things"!
I'd try something like:
"A sea of promises
A sea of waste (logically waste comes after a promise, an opportunity)
A sea of time
That will never return."
So that "time" is reunited with the idea that it's a linear process and one doesn't go back to the past.
Finally, the last stanza is good as it is and makes a fine conclusion for your poem.
Remember, these are only suggestions. I simply hope that they help.
An intriguing title that fits the poem and the thoughts and memories you explore. It is done quite skillfully, leaving the mysterious side of a relationship of which not too much is told.
One line I found confusing: "Seem to tare the pages from my memories."
"tare" as in "weigh"?
I would rather think that the verb you wanted to use here was: "tear". Correct me if I'm wrong.
On the "dramatic" side, an image that is quite well defined is: "Your sight the stab
I still feel those eyes
The razor eyes, I use to wish for
To make my heart bleed for you."
A good way of interpreting a much used metaphor of razors and bleeding hearts.
I like the last stanza, especially the first four lines end the last two.
I am not sure of: "You have left my heart
To forever be kept out of the wall"
It sounds like a complicated line at this point where you make things clear, especially followed by another preposition, "for". Maybe this line could be simplified. I hope you don't mind my opinion.
You can't imagine how I enjoyed looking at these pictures. Both the use of B&W, especially for contrasts, textures (like the tree trunk) and the use of color have beautiful results.
These images of your world are all so soulful, whatever the subject.
I have really enjoyed traveling inside this universe that is both authentic and refined.
It's interesting that you wanted to share your experience and be honest about it.
I think that your story is clear and quite well written, but it could be a little more detailed. The impression one gets when reading the story of a very young student getting drunk and partying all year long is not really "satisfying". It may be interesting to know more about it, so that your story does not seem superficial. (Or at least the author doesn't sound superficial).
It is good to see that the whole experience lead to a change, although what triggered this change is not that clear.
I enjoyed reading this, but I'm sure it can be extended a little and explained a little more to become a more striking essay.
I am speechless. This is an exceptional poem. I have
been lucky lately: I read a few outstanding pieces of poetry and this is one of them.
The subject is terribly painful, but the questions and the inspiration that are brought about by the unacceptable murder of your friend are remarkable.
I love the complexity of the feelings expressed and the simplicity with which it is possible for the reader to share them. This is simply due to the precision and strength of your vocabulary and the wonderful structure of the whole poem.
Some lines that I found striking:
"An unfitting terminal for such a true and
Compassionate soul to depart."
" If God answered not
When you cried out in the darkness,
Where might I
Reach him now?"
I am happy to read a generous poem that shares some simple knowledge that is too easily forgotten.
You have done a great job, particularly by inviting people to see that they have a lot, especially compared to those who have nothing and live in poor countries.
I understand why Gabriella awarded this item with an awardicon!
Listening to this audio file has made me realize the impact of words and voice put together. Not that I didn't know, I love to sing and went to drama school for years.
But to discover an outstanding example with such a strong and committed performance confirmed my viewpoint.
It's a great piece, written and interpreted by a powerful artist.
Thank you for sharing! Oh and... why did it have no rating? Unbelievable!
So much complexity in your poem, so many explanations that call for other explanations that sometimes remain... unexplained.
The path you follow is very interesting, with many strong images:
"And my hands wanting to trace the curve of your waist flaring to become your hips,
And the understanding that a shiny new BMW can never sit in the same garage with a
beat up Volkswagen without a revolution."
images that come back and evolve throughout the poem.
I like the depth and endless search, although I don't understand the difficulty that is expressed in the content of your poem. (It also translates into a complex form).
Why should something simple require a revolution and why does it sound like utopia, a dream that cannot and will not come true? That is my question that comes, of course, from my personal interpretation.
I appreciate the daring and profound approach though, because it makes me think.
Again an item that shows good writing skills and accurate use of words, great precision, great descriptions.
What I like less, but it's just my point of view, is the steady rhythm that, combined with the rhyme pattern and centered layout, makes it sound and look a little too quiet and static. As something really tragic is taking place, I was not so sure about the contrast and how to interpret it.
But the overall impression is that of a thought-provoking poem on war (in general) and the last two lines are really great.
Here, the title attracted me immediately: I live in a country where the sky is gray almost every single day.
It seems that the color of the sky has a very strong impact on us, the way we feel and behave. Stronger than what we may think.
I like how you treated the color you see around you: as paint. It has acquired a very physical dimension.
By playing with this dimension, you've turned the color into matter, speaking to the reader's many senses:
"dripping down the windows
sliding into the corner of my eye
settling in the webbing between my
fingers"
"sound muted against
fog"
it is as if you could see it, but also feel it, touch it, hear it, live in it.
I was surprised to see "infallible gray", the adjective, for some reason, didn't seem so appropriate. Is it incapable of making mistakes? Maybe "indefectible" would be better here. Just my opinion!
I'm glad I discovered such a wonderful poem. It is a piece of creative and inspired writing and I think that "older" items on this site should not be forgotten.
I have a clear mental image of the painting described or re-interpreted. I had to use it at drama school for an improvisation.
You have successfully caught the essence of Picasso's painting, in my opinion and added a story that makes it personal and unique.
Favorite lines: "I'd leave to hint of peace I'd found,
to let you know to where I'm bound,
then man, guitar,
shade, paint,
color and frame,
whatever of me that had a name,
I'd vanish."
This is a good poem in expressing what a dream may be like. I feel that the atmosphere is the right one to describe such a state of mind.
It is nicely descriptive and almost telling a story. Maybe it could be a little more condensed; it would be more striking and also more pleasant to look at.
But of course, these are my opinions and the author knows best.
I am not sure why the second stanza doesn't begin with:
"So how come in my dream"
which would be more natural, it seems.
This is a lovely poem about feeling trapped and bored in a classroom.
It is more poetic and rich - nice imagery - than the usual teenage poem telling us that "school sucks" .
"A blowing breeze makes tall trees sway.
It whispers, "I'll take you away."
But it can't whisk me to golden shores,
For I'm behind closed classroom doors."
Nice writing skills, well done.
Axilea
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