This was an intriguing read! You understand so well how to create a natural rhythm like that of speech, that it was a pleasure to read this fantastic poem. A very original poem. and one I could read again!
I wish we were all joined in friendship, but in fact, mankind is far away from that. There are borders that keep us away from each other. Racial borders, national borders, political borders, belief - you name it. Humanity will be joint in oneness if we are able to remove these boundaries, but personally, I do not believe it's really possible.
You used really strong words except for one small adverb in line 5. I would change the line to 'Joined in profound friendship and cause.' to remove it, but that's up to you of course.
I have nothing else to talk about or point out. Your poem is great1 ;)
You know how to create a really dark and dense atmosphere around a simple thing such as searching your room for something you have been missing for some time now, no doubt! I had to look up most of the adjectives as English is but my second language and you used a lot of archaic words, so I had to read the poem a second and a third time to grasp it in its entirety. However, Germans do not appear to be your target audience anyway, so that's nothing to criticise!
This appears to be heart-felt! One thing that I'd like to point out that you use many metaphors but they do not feel connected a lot. In fact, it is a little bit chaotic in a sense. You have Thor, God of Thunder, you have Neputune, the King of the Sea, the Christian Devil appear in one poem where you sail on a sea in the Land of Nod, which is a land from the Bible (Genesis?). Try to find a silver lining next time!
This poem evokes questions, even doubts, and is so honest about the circumstances in America, yet so simple. There is a lot of showing instead of telling which is okay, although I prefer not revealing everything at first glance by using many metaphors.
Contentwise - and even though I am a German and not a citizen of the US - I could not agree more. There are so many secretes in American modern history that need to be revealed, but there is so little gleam that that will happen without assistance of whistle-blowers. My one hope is that there will not be war between the US and Europe..
I like how honest you are with yourself. You picture your emotions very well, how you desperatly need some time off the job and need to relax a little if you don't want to freak out from all the stress, and how you then schedule your vacation but cannot go because of a call to duty. It's heart-felt, and I like that. One thing you might take a look into are the rhymes. You rhyme 'drag' on 'bag' or 'tell' on 'swell', which does fit what you want to say and rhymes, but it's monosyllable on monosyllable which is not the highest of standards if you want to say so. I would try to find 'better' rhymes that are polysyllabic. Content-wise, you did a great job, but you can improve from there!
I really like this poem! It's a talent to be able to say things without using many words. I feel just the same about this issue, and hope you do not take this as empty praise ;)
I found your poem interesting, which is why I picked it amongst the others for a review. First of all I want to disclaim that I am one of the 'haters' of America, but there are two sides to this coin, and while you as an American sit on one side of this fictive coin, the rest of the world is on the other side. Our views may not overlap everywhere, but I have hopes that you do not get it wrong.
You have a fixed form and stick to it, which is good, but you tumble into problems, because you limit yourself a lot. The flow suffers a lot from the form, because you wrote so many stanzas. Not everything rhymes, but that is okay. Your poem does not need to rhyme. But you have a lot of 'house mouse' rhymes as you could call them. Very simple rhymes that only rhyme by one syllable and hardly more than that. Personally, I do not like this kind of rhymes, but you are good to go if this is your personal preference.
If I was asked about my opinion of America, I would answer that I have ambivalent feelings towards it. I have never been to America myself and my only source of information are the news (international ones, too) and a few online friends who keep me up-to-date on what's happening over there, because not everything's likely appearing in German news. But I do think that a lot of Americans are trapped inside something I call a 'yes, but..' cycle, which basically means that there is a reason for everything and all claims are wrong. Right now, the world is waiting for honesty in reference to the NSA scandal. There are many great things about America, and not every citizen is overweight or illiterate, I do not believe that. But I believe that there are a lot of things going on behind the official scenes and that is something that I absolutly condemn America as a political entity for. Many a people confuse the people and the head of the state with each other, so do not be insulted by this mistake.
What I want to point out here is that you should not take all this to heart but ask yourself whether you can trust your own government. I could not and would migrate to a European country, but then again, I am a European.
Everyone has their prejudices, and you have prejudices yourself. Don't get offended so easily and you will have a much better time!
Oh! I really liked this one! It is so easy-going and flows very well! Unfortunatly, I found a spelling mistake in the last verse of the second stanza. It should read 'after you're gone' and not 'after you've gone', but apart from that, it's almost perfect.
I do believe that the second verse in the sixth stanza has to be longer, because it interupts the natural flow of your poem greatly. I can of course be wrong and you do not need to follow my opinion, but that's how I feel about it.
It's still a great poem, so thank you for sharing it. It actually made me chuckle! :)
Your words hold truth and capture the essence of what this aphorism pictures. I like this stream of consciousness that you used to explain the circumstances. I am no expert to poetry, so I'd like to ask what kind of genre this is. You have no rhyme scheme, and that's unusual.
I am not quite sure why you chose to use 'U' instead of 'you' or 'Neva' instead of 'never', but it would not be my personal choice to be honest, and all the other typos are hopefully meant to be in the places they are in as well. Maybe you tried to pick someone else's perspective, someone who is much younger. But then again, if this person is that young, how come it knows words like 'withhold'? I am asking these questions, because I am not quite sure what to think and do not want to make assumptions based on assumptions. Hence, I would appreciate a lot if you could reply to my review!
This is a lesson at moral, and I can agree with a lot of points you make, and while moral is something subjective, I still disagree with a few aspects of your lesson. For one, why should I know everything I believe in? Believing and knowing are two entirely different things and not to be confused with each other. Almost everything in modern science can be viewed as theories, and theories are no matter how much 'evidence' you have beliefs like the belief in God.
Second in line is that you say that you should not 'cry for a pain that isn't yours', but I believe (!) that empathy is one of the highest goods a human can hold. You draw a very cold and egoistic picture of a human, and I do not like this picture. Feeling with others and feeling for others is what makes a community work, relationships grow deeper and love spread. The same counts for 'getting into a fight that isn't yours' and 'love someone that doesn't love you'. It is not a logical thing, but heart-felt.
And sometimes you need to 'do wrong when you are expected to do right', even if it is bad for yourself, because it is good for others. It all depends on time, situation and the constellation of people, which is why I have an ambivalent view on the thing we call moral. It is a silver lining and an anchor that we can rely on, but it is nothing that is forced into us by a superior entity. We still have a free will and need not act in a way that others think is 'right', because sometimes 'right' is 'wrong' and viceversa.
This sounds very personal, so thank you for sharing your feelings! It is a difficult thing to get over when the one you love the most turns away from you for things so trivial that it grows to a level of confusion that it is not even believable anymore. It is a poem about waking up from a dream and finding yourself in an adult world, or at least it reads like that to me.
One thing that I do want to point out is that you say that 'each trivial disagreement caused an explosion of hostility', but I personally think it's a process that's far slower than that, like biting bits and bits out of a slice of cake until nothing is left. Or is that exactly what you wanted to say?
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